johnnienaked Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 One word: CONFLICT. After having invested so much emotionally into the relationship that you were in, only to have it end from the party you invested in, some people (including myself at this point) are gooing through a rough patch trying to move on. The reason for this is because the brain has put trust and emotional investment continuously for months and months and sometimes years into someone else, and now that they are gone the brain is conflicted bettween accepting the loss and continuing to invest in them. The reason it does this is because the loss of a relationship is almost never final in the sense that a loss of money or the death of a loved one is. In those situations it is easier for the brain to let go of hopes, aspirattions, future plans because of the finality of it. When a relationship ends, nothing changes except the unwritten agreement between the two parties. The person you loved is still here. They are alive and experiencing life without you, and that is extremely hard to take. Our brain is juggling the loss of someone that isn't really gone! I know for me, personally, even though my ex is a total whore and was ann absolutely horrendous excuse for a girlfriend, that TO THIS VERY DAY I have trouble letting go of my committment and investment towards her, even though we have been broken up for almost a year (though only stopped sleeping together 2 months ago). I realized that in order to get over your ex and finally move on you must resolve this conflict. 1. Some people force themselves to hate their ex and focus on the negative things about them, and by doing so they force their brain to change the way they view the person they once loved. In doing so, they change the loss of a person they loved into the relief of losing a person they hate (but really don't). This is both deceptive and dangerous. We cannot try too force ourselves to feel things we do not. This can, for obvious reasons, turn into all sorts of future emotional problems. Obvioously, our exes have both good and bad qualities to them. Things we love and things we hate. It's very important to continue to realize that all human beings are like this. 2. Some people turn their conflict inwards, and try to figure out what they did wrong. By doing so, they resolve their personal conflict by blaming themselves. If they can figure out what they did wrong, then the real reason why the relationship ended become clear, and the conflict is resolved. 3. Some people turn their conflict outwards, to other relationships and life in general. They blame the world or the way things are, and fantasize that they are living solo in a messed up situation, where the world should be a certain way to fit the way they are, or that their view of relationships is somehow contradictory with that of the worlds. Finally... The real answer to this is to allow your brain and heart to feel pain for a certain period of time, say a couple of weeks to a month (which >90% of us are past at this point) and then to just completely dismiss all thoughts about them. It's gonna be ****ing hard at first, but with anything it gets easier and you can train your brain. Ever had a noon-serious bad thought creep into your mind, like 'oh man, I could totally run my car into oncoming traffic right now?'(don't lie we all get them). How do you get rid of that thought? You ignore it. And when another thought you don't want comes up, don't fight it annd question your sanity (which is what a lot of us do, see #2 above), just ignore the damn thing. You must do the same with your ex. The most important thing is you cannot indulge in trying to consciously find an answer. Your brain processes things way more efficiently through the unconscious, and it is up to you to make sure all thouoghts of your ex stay there. If they are in your conscious, they won't be processed by the unconscious. And really, that is what the point of NC is all about, a fact a lot of people fail to realize. All coontact is cut off for precisely this reason, as it allows our brain and thoughts to other things, while unconsciously processing the real, honest reasons whyy the relationship ended and what we can do to bettter ourselves and what we can learn from it. The fact is that pets die, friends move away, and relationships end. If you want true peace and contentment and a real, honest ANSWER as to why, you must first forget. In the very short future, once you train yourself to do this, the emotional investment will abate and your brain will have unconsciously processed the conflict. Then, and only then, will you be able to connsciously look back an see the truth. Good luck.
justine4 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 One word: CONFLICT. After having invested so much emotionally into the relationship that you were in, only to have it end from the party you invested in, some people (including myself at this point) are gooing through a rough patch trying to move on. The reason for this is because the brain has put trust and emotional investment continuously for months and months and sometimes years into someone else, and now that they are gone the brain is conflicted bettween accepting the loss and continuing to invest in them. The reason it does this is because the loss of a relationship is almost never final in the sense that a loss of money or the death of a loved one is. In those situations it is easier for the brain to let go of hopes, aspirattions, future plans because of the finality of it. When a relationship ends, nothing changes except the unwritten agreement between the two parties. The person you loved is still here. They are alive and experiencing life without you, and that is extremely hard to take. Our brain is juggling the loss of someone that isn't really gone! I know for me, personally, even though my ex is a total whore and was ann absolutely horrendous excuse for a girlfriend, that TO THIS VERY DAY I have trouble letting go of my committment and investment towards her, even though we have been broken up for almost a year (though only stopped sleeping together 2 months ago). I realized that in order to get over your ex and finally move on you must resolve this conflict. 1. Some people force themselves to hate their ex and focus on the negative things about them, and by doing so they force their brain to change the way they view the person they once loved. In doing so, they change the loss of a person they loved into the relief of losing a person they hate (but really don't). This is both deceptive and dangerous. We cannot try too force ourselves to feel things we do not. This can, for obvious reasons, turn into all sorts of future emotional problems. Obvioously, our exes have both good and bad qualities to them. Things we love and things we hate. It's very important to continue to realize that all human beings are like this. 2. Some people turn their conflict inwards, and try to figure out what they did wrong. By doing so, they resolve their personal conflict by blaming themselves. If they can figure out what they did wrong, then the real reason why the relationship ended become clear, and the conflict is resolved. 3. Some people turn their conflict outwards, to other relationships and life in general. They blame the world or the way things are, and fantasize that they are living solo in a messed up situation, where the world should be a certain way to fit the way they are, or that their view of relationships is somehow contradictory with that of the worlds. Finally... The real answer to this is to allow your brain and heart to feel pain for a certain period of time, say a couple of weeks to a month (which >90% of us are past at this point) and then to just completely dismiss all thoughts about them. It's gonna be ****ing hard at first, but with anything it gets easier and you can train your brain. Ever had a noon-serious bad thought creep into your mind, like 'oh man, I could totally run my car into oncoming traffic right now?'(don't lie we all get them). How do you get rid of that thought? You ignore it. And when another thought you don't want comes up, don't fight it annd question your sanity (which is what a lot of us do, see #2 above), just ignore the damn thing. You must do the same with your ex. The most important thing is you cannot indulge in trying to consciously find an answer. Your brain processes things way more efficiently through the unconscious, and it is up to you to make sure all thouoghts of your ex stay there. If they are in your conscious, they won't be processed by the unconscious. And really, that is what the point of NC is all about, a fact a lot of people fail to realize. All coontact is cut off for precisely this reason, as it allows our brain and thoughts to other things, while unconsciously processing the real, honest reasons whyy the relationship ended and what we can do to bettter ourselves and what we can learn from it. The fact is that pets die, friends move away, and relationships end. If you want true peace and contentment and a real, honest ANSWER as to why, you must first forget. In the very short future, once you train yourself to do this, the emotional investment will abate and your brain will have unconsciously processed the conflict. Then, and only then, will you be able to connsciously look back an see the truth. Good luck. This has to be one of the very best posts written in these forums. Well done. You've hit the nail on the head and talk absolute sense. Really and truly, well done.
Recommended Posts