dannysurfer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 This is so long but here goes!!!!! I've been going through mental torment the last couple of months. I met someone really special (Jayne) at the end of April. Things got hot and heavy very quickly and I ended up spending every single night with her for a solid month. I knew things were going to go sour but I was extremely comfortable around her and really enjoyed spending time with her. She had an extremely big impact in helping me open my mind and become an open minded person, to try new things and not make judgements/etc without knowing truth. She helped me realize alot of the frustrations I had in life were all my own doing and as a result I became a much happier person. I had never met anyone so open minded and free spirited and it influenced the way I now view life. I've experienced some great things with her that I never have in my entire life (I'm 27 years old). Towards the end of May I noticed she started becoming very standoffish and we hadn't been intimate for a week or more. I still spent many nights with her (in separate beds because she has two beds but absolutely no intimacy!!!) but eventually I talked to her and found out that she wanted to just be friends. She said I wasn't giving her enough room to breathe and she didn't want to be in a relationship with not just me, but with anyone. I had always felt super threatened while we were bf/gf and even friends because almost all of her friends are guy friends and she keeps in touch with many Ex bf's and some of them would stay over her place because she had two beds. She would frequently hang out with them and I was always super nervous. She told me flat out that she doesn't cheat and also that she has a very hard time keeping people out of her life. She said she wanted to be friends with me and that she didn't want me out of her life. She didn't really say anything until I brought it up because she said she knew I was a "sensitive" guy and she didn't want it to come out wrong. She mentioned it took her previous ex bf 6 months before they became good friends again and she was patient/persistent and kept trying to keep that friendship with him. I asked her to please let me know if she meets someone new so I could cope with it and she agreed to do that. She said it wasn't easy for her either because she still missed some of the things we had (intimacy, etc). I obviously still have very strong feelings for her. After we had that talk towards the end of May I was saddened but I still hung out with her alot but not as much as before and I still spent nights over at her place (in separate beds and no intimacy). I was always afraid one of her guy friends/ex'es would be my replacement and most likely it is all in my head, but I kept fearing that it was something about me that caused her to not want a relationship and she was simply lying. I don't quite get it because I have all my **** together, I'm no super model but girls have thought im attractive (and im humble !!!), I went to school at MIT for my bachelors and masters, have a great job, I've been extremely caring and generous to her, etc... but I perhaps may have bored her since I can be a bit serious most of the time (I dont know). About three weeks ago I went to Boston for a week and when I left she started becoming very flakey. We no longer hang out as much as we used to and she calls me and doesn't leave a voice message or says she'll call back when I'm on the phone with her and never does. She's been busy with work lately (she works on yachts sometimes) so it could be that, or perhaps she met someone else. I don't know if she is just busy, or really did meet someone because maybe she thinks I'm too sensitive and that it would hurt to tell me. I'm too afraid to even ask her. Regardless, even after we talked about being strictly friends she would call me almost every day and we would still hang out (but no intimacy!) up until a couple of weeks ago. I'm starting to understand I no longer have control over anything. After I got back from Boston I told her I have feelings for her still and she asked me if I needed time to get over it and not hang out with her, or hang out less. I told her its extremely difficult for me to not have feelings for her, even if I gave it time, because any time I see her again (even if in years) I would still want to be more than friends. I told her I still wanted to hang out with her though because it would suck to not have her in my life. She again said she didn't want a relationship and she was being standoffish so as to not lead me on. She said it was wrong of us to have gotten so hot and heavy like we did so early on, yet she didn't regret any of it. She says she still cares about me very much and worries about me when I get bummed out (mostly because of her). After our talk I also vented about job and family frustrations. She went out of her way the next day to talk to a counselor that could help me out with some of things (including her) that were causing me frustration. I know she still cares about me! Even as just friends we did alot of fun things (hiking, surfing, etc), but I always hoped maybe she would change her mind and we could have a relationship again. Even after that I was still super caring, offered to lend her money when she needed it, would take her to dinner, offered to help get her back on track for going to school, finding her a new surfboard, offered to loan her a substantial amount of money so she can go to school, I bought her a new wetsuit, etc..... I even lent her one of my surfboards a couple of weeks ago that she is supposed to return (but she continues to be flakey) and I'm thinking of getting it back from her and ceasing all contact with her or playing the game back and saying I will call and not doing it. It really hurts to do that but I'm not sure what else I can do or how to approach this problem. I still have strong feelings for her and the hardest part is we never had a bad breakup. I've gotten over ex'es that cheat on me in no time, but this is different and I've never remained friends with an Ex. I keep hoping that maybe if I stay friends with her and see her less she will eventually have feelings for me again and we can go back to how things were but on a much much slower pace. I often wish I could go back in time and have slowed things down, and maybe it would have worked...... This is bizarre, our relationship was very brief, and we've still been friends, yet I've gone through this torment for quite some time! I just really enjoyed alot of things we had as both lovers and friends! She's supposed to be going to the east coast Thurs for work for a couple of weeks or more, but when she gets back she is planning on attending a community college. When she gets back I know she is going to be bugging me to help her with her coursework, finding a new surfboard, etc..... Have any of you been in this situation before? I keep checking my voice messages on my cell while I'm at work hoping she calls and wants to hang out, and I get my hopes up when she does, but she's become very flakey lately and I keep getting upset. I wish I knew the truth as to why things went the way they did and why she is behaving this way towards me, but I am also nervous to find out what is really going on. I'm not sure if it is even worth it! Its sad to say but I would be a bit jealous if she was with a new guy. I hate to have those feelings because jealousy is such an awful thing that I've tried to eliminate in my life. The thought of her being intimate with someone else really warps my mind though. I've been with far more attractive girls in the past, yet she feels so real and down to earth and I feel so comfortable around her. This keeps running through my head. I don't know what to do. I have few friends here in San Diego (since I moved here last year). I can be shy and its hard for me to meet new people, and the few people I've gone out on a date with the past few weeks haven't interested me at all! I still miss my ex Jayne. I often lose sleep over this and am in a bad mood. I think alot of my recent frustrations with other things are linked to this main problem. She just called a little while ago and left a voice message saying sorry it took a while to get back to me because she had to work on a boat and that she wanted to make sure she got the surfboard back to me before she left and also to say good-bye before she goes on her trip. The biggest issue I'm having is that I get ultra happy when I hear from her or see her in person, but when I don't see or hear from her for a while I start to have all these crazy thoughts/doubts. etc. I'm not in a rush to get into another relationship but I get lonely at times, and I keep telling myself I would wait for her if she needed time, but I don't want to waste my time if it will never happen. It seems silly to try and predict this. I'm willing to let her go fully... but does anyone have any idea how I might be able to leave the door open in the future??.. maybe if I stop seeing her on good terms she will realize at some point she misses what we had when shes ready again for a relationship (if she is being truthful about not wanting one with anyone) ??? This constant up and down of my mood with respect to this is no good. I don't want to play mind games with her either in order to make her want me again... I know she isn't the type to do that either. I just want to be myself!
madgun68 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 You can't be her friend because that isn't all that you want from her. I've been in a similar situation and let me tell you, if you decide to go the friends route, the only thing you're going to wind up doing is prolonging your own suffering. It will take you longer to get over her and you'll likely never get yourself out of the friend zone. I would have a talk with her and tell her that you can't be her friend because you aren't satisfied with just her friendship. Perhaps, in the future you can attempt this once you're completely over her.. but not now.
arian_ma Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I completely agree. When the ex says they want to be your friend, they really mean "let me stay around you so you never get over me while I destroy you from the inside out by dating other people. I just want to keep my eye on you to make sure you never stop feeling for me." Ie, you are their backup. Don't do it, that is not what you want out of that relationship, and even though it might not hurt as much in the short term, it will only make it infinitely worse in the long run. Stay away, make new friends and heal. Good luck and be happy.
mariposa89 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I agree with everyone here, I broke up with my ex a little more than a month ago and he said he just wanted to be friends too (we started out as friends) and for the first 3 weeks he would call me everyday, and we talked forever (like old times) he told me he stilled cared for me, and even get upset as to why I didnt call him so I told him that it would be too hard for me to be just his friend for now because thats not what I wanted and I didnt want to be lead on or get false hopes. So I have stopped calling and seeing him and he doesnt call me anymore either. My best advice for you is to let her go, let her realize what she has done, let her miss you. If she keeps you around its just cuz shes too afraid to fully let go of you. But you have to let go, even though its hard to do it will be easier for you to get over her and she wont be playing games with you. If she really loves and misses you, she will come back.
bill1234 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Really, to remain friends with someone you still have feelings for will only mess you up more. I am friends with my ex wife and that's cool because we both lost the romantic love for each other a long time ago and don't want each other back. But my ex girlfriend? I still have such huge feelings for her that it would destroy me to be around her any more than I have to. She sent me an email that said "Yeah I'm with someone else but I always want you as part of my life." In a way it's flattering, but it's too damn painful to do, so f*** that. I have to work with her so I have to remain civil, but it would just hurt so much to remain in her company while she's with someone else. I sent her a last, friendly, email yesterday, and I will now go NC and contact her only for work stuff from now on. At first when she said she wanted to stay friends I begged her then to make time for me to be her friend and hang out - and she didn't. I'm not going to be that wuss any more; I need to grow a spine. I think you should think about your actual feelings and why you want to hang out with her, and question if that will help you in the long term.
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