CGR 444 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I have been married with my wife for 7 years together for 15 and have 3 beautiful girls. This past year and a half has been the toughest time of my life. During the majority of 2007 my wife and I began having communication issues which lead to various other problems like her mood changes which cause me to think something was terribly wrong in our relationship. She would come in from work always tired, upset, and cold towards me which lead me to believe that she was not in love with me anymore and possibly was having an affair. I mentioned this to her on several occasions but she would deny it and would cause an argument between us. I love my girls so much (13, 9 and 5 year old girls), they are my life. I have had the pleasure of working from home for an engineering firm for the past 8 years and have been blessed in learning the values of raising my children teaching myself how to be a loving and responsible father. This I believe was the caused of our constant arguments as I felt unwanted and being taken for granted a lot! Understand that my wife would get home from work and the girls had homework completed, dinner made, bath’s taken care of and at times put to bed. I thought since I worked from home I would help my wife in these areas which now that I think about it caused more harm than good. I felt that our relationship was not based on 50/50 cooperation and I was raising my children on my own. Last November I finally had to tell my wife I could no longer go on living like this and ask her for our separation. She tried to make me understand that this was a mistake to give our marriage another chance but I just couldn’t. Two weeks after I separated from my wife, she came over the house to pick up the girls but forgot her cell phone which temptation took over and cause me to check for text messages or anything I could find. What I found next has changed me in ways I can not describe. I found text messages going back to March 2007 all the way to Nov of last year in which my wife was having an emotional affair with my daughters first communion god father a person that I have known for the past 12 years and a person which I considered a good close friend (this explained her mode swings all last year). The text messages consisted of flirtatious dialog and pornographic pictures/video amongst other things. I confronted him and my wife and both apologized to me and are very sorry this took place. They both confirm that no sex ever took place and that this was texting that got out of hand hmmm!! Since then I have meet a wonderful woman that I fell in love with and made me very happy. The problem I am having is that my wife wants to get back with me, has apologized and has promised she will do what ever needs to be done to gain my trust in her back and she says she still in love with me. I still love my wife but I do not know if I can ever trust here again and I have also strong feelings for this other woman. I just want to do what is right for me and my children but I am so confused of making the wrong decision, one that will impact not just me but my beautiful girls. I am so lost and need some advice please!!!!!!!!
WTFOVERMAN Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 The act of wanting to come back is on the beginning. What has she done for herself during this time other than miss you? She needs to seek counsel for herself. I am not telling you to not take her back but has the value of marriage been learned by her? It would be a tough situation for me but the decision is yours! Be strong and dont let your emotions ruin your life with this new woman. If she is the world to you why give her up for someone who ruined your world? Food for thought.
SingleDad Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 You are still married and have three kids together and 14 of 15 years of a wonderful relationship (the "better") and then one year of "or worse". She wandered, separated, so then you wandered. Talk with your wife, see if you can work things out and re-kindle the love. Trust can be re-built over time. Over and over again (from those of us who get separated/divorced) I keep wondering what ever happened to the Committments two people make when they exchanged their vows. Committments which are magnified when they have children together.
Author CGR 444 Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Since our separation she mentioned to me that she regretted ever having this affair. She has mentioned to me that she wants us to seek marriage counseling but I do not know if it would help me. The fact that she has had this affair with this person who I have known for so long, and was such a close person in my life is tearing me apart. She expresses to me that she felt lonely during those months and he was there for her…. Where was she all those days I needed some comfort and help with our children and daily home responsibilities!!!! She sounds like she took the selfish way out of this one… All I know is that I need to make my decision soon as to what I want to do with my life! I do not want to hurt my children but I guess the damage has been done.
SingleDad Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 People are often selfish by their very nature - its called self preservation. It's taking the corrective action and being true to your feelings for yourself and with your spouse that can determine whether the marrriage can be repaired.
Billy Bob Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Since our separation she mentioned to me that she regretted ever having this affair. She regretted getting caught and now that the fun is over, she regrets giving up what she had. She wanted her cake and to eat it too. Don't believe for a second that it never got physical.. Of course she and OM would swear upon confrontation that they never had sex, all cheaters say this. She lied to you over and over about having an affair until you discovered the truth on her cell. I guarantee she will never admit to sleeping with him unless you had a video tape to confront her with. If you get back together with the wife, the mistrust will erode the relationship away and you will just be prolonging the pain. Would you have married her in the first place if you found out she had an affair while you were dating? No.. the commitment level isn't there. Give this new gal a shot (although she is probably just a rebound), find someone that will treat you right. Your kids will be better off in the long run with you happy and seperated/divorced, than together with the wife and unhappy/suspicious/questioning... It will be an adjustment, but worth it to you in the long run.
Billy Bob Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Oh, and these fellows who tout the sanctity of wedding vows, all that sickness and in heath, through the good and bad times BS... I think your spouse banging and blowing another guy behind your back or a spouse beating up the other trumphs any stupid vows to stay together forever. I'd probably add illegal drug use and extreme financial irresponsibility as other good reasons to kick their butts to the curb. Once someone's spouse crosses these lines, the decision to stand by them is foolishness in my opinion.
Woggle Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Kick her to the curb and seek custody of the kids. If she did this once she will do it again and the only reason she wants to get back together is that she wants to be the one to drop the divorce bomb on you in the future. Of you hadn't asked for a seperation she would have eventually givewn you the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. She doesn't really love you but she wants to have the final word so get rid of her now.
TrustInYourself Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Oh, and these fellows who tout the sanctity of wedding vows, all that sickness and in heath, through the good and bad times BS... I think your spouse banging and blowing another guy behind your back or a spouse beating up the other trumphs any stupid vows to stay together forever. I'd probably add illegal drug use and extreme financial irresponsibility as other good reasons to kick their butts to the curb. Once someone's spouse crosses these lines, the decision to stand by them is foolishness in my opinion. I know when my wife gives me a look that just pisses me off, I go get the divorce papers ready.
Woggle Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 There is a huge difference between a look and an affair. I would bet money that his wife already had plans to do the walkaway wife thing and he was smart enough to spot it before it happened. Props to him but I hope he never takes her back.
TrustInYourself Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I'd hope he does what's best for his children and his own happiness. It has absolutely nothing to do with his wife's infidelity and everything to do with his happiness and his children's happiness.
TrustInYourself Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 That look comment was a joke and also a response to cta's statement about those fellows who tout the sanctity of wedding vows, all that sickness and in heath, through the good and bad times BS. That would be me.
Recommended Posts