notgoodatthis Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 This message, I cannot take credit for because someone else wrote it. I would like to share it with you all... I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot. So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down. You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months. You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything. You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful). They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague. For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope." You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t. You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive. Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did. Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called. Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson. Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had. And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought. And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be. But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery. I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. And the universe will take care of the rest."[/COLOR][/sIZE]
birdyjess Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Your message of hope to all that are hurting is the first thing that I have ever responded to on any type of blog/forum etc... I am in the midst of experiencing everything in that message. My boyfriend of 8 1/2 years treated me poorly for the last year. I gave more of myself to him instead of paying attention to me. I knew things weren't well, but I gave more of my time to his projects, spent more of my money on anything we did together, blew off opportunities to do anything without him, etc... Eventually, he cheated on me and now 3 1/2 months later has a new girlfriend(not the one that he cheated with). I have behaved like a total lunatic on a high speed roller coaster for the past 3 1/2 months. I have skipped town at a moments notice on a number of occasions traveling as far as 3,000 miles away to escape my hurt. I have threatened to never see or speak with him again at least a million times and time and time again I call or show up at his house, sometimes crying or pouting or even worse yelling ridiculous things. I had convinced myself that we had a really special relationship, that we shared something that not too many other people did. We had such a fun time together and how could he possibly think that he will find that in another person. Most of these last months have been incredibly confusing... we would have a great fun night out but oh yeah, remember...we are broken up. He would hold my hand an tell me he loved me, but oh yeah, remember...we are broken up. We went away on a holiday, had great sex, laughed, fished, camped, rode our bikes, laughed some more but oh yeah, remember...we are broken up. I have been wanting to believe that we were strong enough to work through this and come out on the other side happier than ever before. He started dating a girl during all of this confusion and it just made things go from bad to worse. I became obsessed with what they were doing, where they went out, what they talked about, if they had spent the night together and had sex, if our friends knew about her or had met her, did she make him laugh and so many more ridiculous things I am embarrassed to say. I feel alone, rejected, hurt and betrayed by some of the people(the ex and a group of friends) that I cared about most. I have recently made plans to move away for a while. I am going to sublet my place and move to a different city where I have a few close friends to hopefully get away from all of this hurt. It seems a little drastic, but I don't know what else to do. I feel kind of crazed in this environment. Yesterday was his birthday and I swore to 2 close friends and to my mom that I was not going to call him and I did. It was horrible, he was prepping for a bbq at a local bar and had invited all of our friends and the new girl. I know all of this because I asked. Apparently I feel like I need to know all of this stuff that hurts me and want to make him feel bad because of it. I started to yell and cry and say ridiculous things, things that are embarrassing and should not have been said but I said them anyway. Adding to the whole mess are our joint friends. If I didn't say it before, 8 1/2 years is a long time. Most of our friends were mutual and were all at his birthday(with the new girl). I am not speaking to many of our friends at this point. They haven't called me and I have kind of given up in a sense. I don't feel like calling because I know that they have been regularly seeing him. I am hurt, hurt, hurt and want it to stop, stop, stop. So I am trying something new and relocating for now. I want to cut the cord and not call or see him...treat myself nicely...have a new experience...be brave and strong and grow out of this...and I thought if I was away, it might be easier. There would be no chance of bumping in to him or the new girl or any mutual friends who were on their way to see him with the new girl. I would only have to worry about the phone calls. I have to stop TODAY! Do you have any other words of wisdom, promising thoughts or strengthening tips?
brightskies Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Notgoodatthis, Thanks for the message, it rings so true. Where'd you find the original post?
trans Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 thanks for the post, can sum how relate to that .. just, the problem is , its very easy to read n think about, but the actually happening of all this is too painful to go through .. so,
JustinWolf Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 haha, I swear I laughed. So true, so true. Kudos to whoever wrote it. I remember those great times. Time spent in front of the computer waiting for that special girl to pop in her msn and then stare at the screen like it was going to pull up a silly stunt... But it doesn't. You keep staring though and then bang! it happens, she says "hi" then a voice in your head says "everyone suggested not to reply too fast... so i'll make her wait." you keep staring at the screen for at least 50 seconds before you decide to say "hi" but just as your eyes go back to the screen a message haunts your half lifeless body:"User has disconnected." You fall into your subconscious where you try not to pity yourself over it and blame yourself for what happened... so you think:"I know what to do, next time I'll just reply immediately." and the cicle goes on until you realise:"Eh, screw this."
hades07 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Haha Justinwolf, I think msn is the worse thing when it comes to breakups. Over the last month I have deleted and added my ex so many times I cant even count. One second I dont want to see her name to see what shes doing but then suddenly I want to add her to see if shes online or has anything in her name she might be doing that night. Facebook is even worse, that is why I have deleted on that too. And you know what, now that I care alot less and am in a much happier place then I have been in a long time, now shes msging ME telling ME she misses us cuddling, wants to come over, calling me saying she misses calling ME, etc. Not contacting your ex or when you do not talking about your relationship and relaying that your happy, well that actually does work.
JustinWolf Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Facebook should be called Facesmack, seriously. For all those who keep their exs on their facebook, your knocking your balls like they were a punching bag (sorry for the balls, ladies, but you get it) You love the girl or you used to love her. You connect on a happy wednesday afternoon to see who you can virtually poke at the right places. But no, you get there and the first thing you do is get on the list of peoples online after deleting your ex on msn (Now wondering if she's even online). You watch the online list and you see her name there screaming at you to poke her just to see what kind of reaction you're going to get. You decide to check her profile, way to go. Over her wall you see a guy named "Alejandro El Amores De Internal Paciones (or whatever)" who wrote: "Baby girl I miss you it's been so long I havent seen you, what are you doing? Oh by the way those sweet kisses last monday were awesome, don't I deserve more? PS: Your ex boyfriend is a retard." There. Now you done broke your heart again because that Alejandro guy is probably getting some loving while you're sitting and stressing. lol. For the next few days, you want to ask her who that Alejandro kid is and what is going on with him. More stress and all, just leave it be, enjoy life, make her want to look at YOUR profile ^^
hades07 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Yeah facebook definitely does not help when you break up with a person. I force myself to stop checking, even though i have my ex deleted i can still search and see her profile, which is not a good idea at all though I am doing a good job lately and I am not far from being over her even though we still see each other and hang out and stuff I just never ask about other guys or bring up our relationship.
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