CandyGirlXO Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I really need some help in deciding what to do! I broke up with my BF of 4 years about 4 months ago and just recently we have started talking again. I am still heart broken about it. I felt like I had no other choice in the matter because we fought too much, and I just got so sick of it. I miss him so much, but I just am not sure if I miss him because its just habit or if I miss him because I do love him. I just don't know what to do. He wants us to work on eachother first and then eventually maybe if I was up for it try couples counseling. I am just not sure if I want to do this, because we are not even married and we already have to resort to couples therapy. I mean how normal or common is this? We have some major issues, and its not just him personally but me as well. We both have had messed up childhoods etc... that I won't get into, but thats why he thinks we should get individual therapy as well as couples therapy. I am just not sure what I want to do, everyone would think I was nuts if I went back to him, but I have to do what makes me happy. I mean when is enough enough? When should I just give up? I feel like I have no one in life. But I don't want to settle either. The issues we had consisted of trust issues and verbal abuse issues mainly. Any advice?
Ronni_W Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Candy, how you've posted it seems that he is in any event suggesting individual counseling BEFORE couples'? To me, that sounds like a good and reasonable sequence. You can always make a decision about couples' after you've done some individual, and are clearer about what direction you want to take. Couples' is a good idea that can help to prevent/minimize future problems, and/or teach effective tools on how to cope with them. It's my own bias that, no matter the phase, ALL relationships can use some (and sometimes a LOT of) help.
orangesean Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think couples counseling is a good idea for reconciling relationships, as they are going to take a lot of work and a lot of pieces to pick up. The only thing I disagree with is that I doubt you guys need individual therapy first. While most of all people have unresolved childhood issues that screw them up, you usually can't even fix them or you have to overcome them yourself. A lot of professionals are rejecting the whole Freudian idea of "tell me about your mother" and such. The past is just too much the past and it's just sort of a cliche to sit with a therapist and talk about every childhood incident and how it somehow makes you mess up or have problems today, even though it's probably true. Find a therapist that wants to work on who you are now without dwelling on how you grew up, and in my opinion just go straight to couples counseling. Usually in couples counseling they schedule times with individuals as part of it anyways.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Thanks for the replies! It is just such a hard decision to make. I hate being lonely and that is the one thing I need to work on in therapy. Also my issues with codependency and he has issues with that as well. Not only that but we both need to work on our own insecurities as well as our own self-esteem issues. So that needs to be worked on before we can even think about couples therapy. I want to work on myself first because I don't even know if going back to him and trying couples therapy would be best for me. We have had a pretty rocky relationship all along and I am not sure if it did improve HOW LONG we would be able to keep it that way. It is just so hard, because I spent all of my time with him, and he knows everything about me and vice versa. The problem is that he doesn't seem to think that the relationship was all that bad, whereas I think it was really bad. Its wierd how people have different perspective on things. I miss him but like I said I think maybe I am just lonely and I feel like I need SOMEONE there. I just hate this. I just wish it wasn't like this. I always have to remind myself that it could always be worse, and that I should be grateful for the things I have but I guess that is just part of my depression. My main question was how common is it for just COUPLES to be in therapy together, I mean if its this bad now won't it only get worse when we are married? If I were married I would certainly do therapy especially if there were children involved, but we are not married and there are no children. This should be the happiest time of our lives and IMO it wasn't. We were always working on something. He said well that is true but we never really gave it an honest effort like we are doing right now. I just don't know I feel like maybe he is just too immature and we are not compatible. Any advice or personal experiences here? Sorry for the post being so long. Thank you
orangesean Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I want to work on myself first because I don't even know if going back to him and trying couples therapy would be best for me. We have had a pretty rocky relationship all along and I am not sure if it did improve HOW LONG we would be able to keep it that way. This concerns me, because I once read a book called Too Good to Leave, to Bad to Stay, and it says if you focus on your happiest memories are worth getting back and outweigh the bad, then the relationship should be salvagable. To me, if you say it was rocky all along you may be better off, it's your call. In general most long term relationships start out wonderful from the first 6 months to a year into it because of the infatuation stage. That is a very important stage for strengthening bonds and good memories that should reverberate through the rest of the relationship even when things get bad. Was it truly rocky the whole time? Why did you stay in a relationship if it was rocky from the beginning? Or did it become rocky after a while? My main question was how common is it for just COUPLES to be in therapy together, I mean if its this bad now won't it only get worse when we are married? If I were married I would certainly do therapy especially if there were children involved, but we are not married and there are no children. This should be the happiest time of our lives and IMO it wasn't. We were always working on something. I think for reconciled relationships it is fairly common to go to couples therapy to make sure to strengthen yourselves for the long run and learn skills on how to properly treat the one you love. Seems like a no brainer for some but it's not that easy. Relationships take tons of work to last, not just at some times but the whole time. Some people hate therapy and think it's useless, also sometimes you have to watch out for bad therapists who give generic TV type responses. So it's all a variable type thing in a way. Also I guess I still don't think you guys needs individual therapy first unless you both think there is something inherently wrong with you, as in without interaction between eachother in the relationship.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 This concerns me, because I once read a book called Too Good to Leave, to Bad to Stay, and it says if you focus on your happiest memories are worth getting back and outweigh the bad, then the relationship should be salvagable. To me, if you say it was rocky all along you may be better off, it's your call. In general most long term relationships start out wonderful from the first 6 months to a year into it because of the infatuation stage. That is a very important stage for strengthening bonds and good memories that should reverberate through the rest of the relationship even when things get bad. Was it truly rocky the whole time? Why did you stay in a relationship if it was rocky from the beginning? Or did it become rocky after a while? I think for reconciled relationships it is fairly common to go to couples therapy to make sure to strengthen yourselves for the long run and learn skills on how to properly treat the one you love. Seems like a no brainer for some but it's not that easy. Relationships take tons of work to last, not just at some times but the whole time. Some people hate therapy and think it's useless, also sometimes you have to watch out for bad therapists who give generic TV type responses. So it's all a variable type thing in a way. Also I guess I still don't think you guys needs individual therapy first unless you both think there is something inherently wrong with you, as in without interaction between eachother in the relationship. It was truly rocky within the first 4 months and we have split after that but only for about 2 weeks. I stayed out of fear of being alone, and because he promised me things would get better. They were getting better in some ways but then getting WORSE in other ways. It is such a hard call for me to make. I have issues with feeling all alone, fear of being alone, and overall just feeling bitter about everything. I believe I stayed with him out of insecurities and him the same as me. We did of course have some amazing times together, but we fought alot! I mean he has a bad temper, and I didn't help any. We both have said some pretty mean things to eachother, and eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. I need to go to therapy for myself because I am so confused in my life, and I feel like MOST people don't think that life is this hard. I am struggiling. I really feel like I am drowning!
orangesean Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I mean if you had some really good memories, they really need to be played up. That is important to remanence on. In my relationship of 4 years, I was the one the one with the bad temper, but it did not really set in until at least 1.5-2 years into and continued to get worse. We fought a lot, to the point of ridiculousness, to breaking things that didn't need to be broken. I felt she was controlling me and she felt I was controlling her. I don't know what was what really except that I clearly had a huge anger problem over everything. But I share a lot of similar things to you. Some people love to play up being alone, and I have done it, spent a lot of my high school years alone, lived alone for 3.5 months during the break up. Fear of being alone is not such a bad thing. Humans need comfort and others. But you shouldn't stay with someone if you suspect you are doing it just because you don't want to be alone. That's up for you to decide. I'm hoping my ex did not stay with me just because she was afraid of being alone. I also feel like I'm drowning a lot too with or without a relationship, it's been that way for a long time with me... same unresolved childhood issues and such I expect. I am going to therapy, or more specifically psychocognitive behavioral therapy on recommendation from someone on Loveshack 4 months ago and I think it's helping wonderfully, although I get bad bouts of depression and anxiety I may need medication to take care of. So if it's really so bad and you'd like to work on yourself first, you definitely should do that then. Also I guess I should stop calling her my ex since we got back together yesterday, and although it's very soon I'm hoping she can stay my whole life this time and that we can fix things to the point where it will be better than ever.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Well congrats to you and your EX trying to work things out! I really hope it works out this time around. I also have some of the same issues, anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed bipolar, but not what people might think. It’s not extreme like how movies and TV love to display it. I am mostly just depressed but SOMETIMES I am really happy. That’s the one thing I really liked about my EX is that he knew all of this about me but loved me anyways. I feel like A LOT of people wouldn’t accept me. I am so confused; I have never been more confused in my life. His issues involve mostly his attachment issues, and ever since I left him he is suicidal. I understand because I have been there before, but I also know that I am NOT responsible for that. He needs help, and I will remain single until that happens. I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I don’t know what the future holds for me and that is scary. I like to have everything planned out, and right now nothing is planned out for me. I feel like a lost girl in the world with no one or nowhere to go. Thanks for listening.
orangesean Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think upon hearing more, maybe some therapy for both of you would help individually then. Also, do you have any best friends to turn to or someone to help take care of you? Maybe a parent is around or someone? I never do well alone when I'm feeling really sad, I just start wishing I was dead and that something miraculous would change to make things happy again. If you feel like things are spiraling out of control, you should get someone to lean on. Maybe not your ex if he's flipping out himself... I don't know.
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 My main question was how common is it for just COUPLES to be in therapy together, I mean if its this bad now won't it only get worse when we are married? No, it won't necessarily get "worse" when you're married (or even if you stay together forever without making it legal.) There is also the good chance that neither of you will even feel the need for couples' after the individual. Your fellow is being extra-cautious right now, by the sound of it -- that really isn't such a bad thing, given his intention to ensure a long and happy future. I do agree with OS that sitting around talking exclusively about childhood incidents can be time-consuming and get expensive...without bringing more immediate insight into current-day issues and solutions. You certainly can gain a lot out of individual therapy simply by working with attitudes and patterns that are present in your adult relationships -- no need to go back in time, if that's not of particular interest to you. Best of luck.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Yes I agree too, I don't plan on sitting around talking about my childhood. I have a bachelors degree in Psychology so I kind of already know where my problems stem from. I just need someone to talk to about what I already know. Thanks for the input. I guess I will see how my own therapy goes, and I will make up my mind later on about whether or not its worth another shot. I just wish someone would make up my mind for me.
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