shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 There are a few things that happened in the chaos of the break up that are just sinking in now, intensifying the pain for me. I keep trying to not rehash them, but the hurt seems to be building up rather than subsiding. It's hard to not internalize some of the things he told me. I think I'll feel better if I just write them out here. 1) "Honestly, I prefer extraverted people." Before breaking up with me, my bf made sure I had heard everything he dislikes about me. At one point he said, "And you know...honestly, I prefer extraverted people." It felt like a really low blow. He's known since the day we first met a year and a half ago that I'm shy, I've made a real effort to be friendly to all of his friends, and he's never once complained about this before. He also knows I've improved a lot socially since we first met and have been trying hard to overcome my social anxiety. If he doesn't like shy girls then why the heck did he get in a relationship with one? He also knows I'm sensitive about my shyness and has said in the past that it doesn't bother him and he thinks it's "cute." WTF. I had this fear all along that he secretly wanted to be with a super extraverted type, the total opposite of me. And he always told me I was being completely paranoid. Since my shyness among strangers is such an intrinsic part of my personality, I felt that it was a very personal rejection. I was tempted to say, "Honestly, I prefer guys who aren't going bald." (His hair is already starting to thin at the age of 24). Btw, I don't need to be told that shy people suck or are unhealthy or that I should try to be more extraverted. I AM trying, but I will probably always be slightly introverted. That's who I am. I can't change my whole personality for some guy. I worry now that no extraverted guys (who I'm usually attracted to) will ever like me because I'm shy. 2) "You were trying to sabotage my party." The event that immediately precipitated our breakup was a beach party that both me, my bf and S (the friend) attended. Here's what happened. He called me up in the afternoon and said "I'm going to this overnight beach house party on an island with S." Apparently S told him about the party and was angling for a ride from my bf, but the people throwing it were also my bf''s old friends from high school. They had lost his cell number. I asked him, "Okay, well why are you telling me? I'm confused. Are you inviting me, or just telling me you're going?" He said he was inviting me if I was interested but was worried about the awkwardness. I told him there would be tension, but we need to get over it eventually since the three of us will inevitably intersect at get togethers. I wanted to go for a couple of reasons. One is I'm eager to make friends and meet new people. Another is I felt weird about him going to an overnight girl/guy party without me. Especially since the girl throwing it was an old crush of his. Suddenly when I expressed interest in going he got angry at me and revoked his invitation. I asked him why he bothered inviting me at all. Then he called S and S said he would find another ride there. I thought it was resolved. On the way to the party I got drunk on vodka, which is out of character for me. I was hoping it would ease the awkwardness of seeing S. I only wanted a buzz, but underestimated how far a little would go. Only when I got out of the car and stepped through the door did I realize I was drunk. I had fun for the first 30 mins or so. I ignored S and focused on my bf and chatting with other people. My bf disappeared onto the balcony with S to smoke, while I played Boggle with some other people. He came back a few minutes later and asked me if I wanted to take a walk on the beach. We went out and kissed. At some point I was overcome with nausea so we went to his car. I started to panic because I'd never been sick from alcohol and I have a phobia of throwing up (hadn't in 11 years because I've always suppressed the urge). Finally I threw up out the window but felt like more was coming. I remember saying to him, "Please stay with me right now." I meant stay with me for a few minutes while I'm sick. Later he told me he was really angry at me for this comment because he interpreted it to mean "stay with me in the car all night and don't go back to the party." WTF. He also told me he thought I got drunk to sabotage the party and pull him away from his friends by being sick, as if it was all some calculated trap. He didn't buy my explanation. Apparently after throwing up I immediately fell asleep and he went back to the party. I woke up in the car at 5 in the morning confused. I called him and he came back to the car, telling me they had had a great time and went skinny-dipping. I was happy to hear he had at least enjoyed himself, but was disappointed I had missed most of the fun. We camped out in a tent and had sex a few times at his request. Things seemed better. The next morning in the car ride back he half broke up with me. It started when S sent him a text message that said,"F##ck you." (presumably for bringing me to the party.) I think S was upset because he had drunken texted me a week before with, "I want to f&ck you," and felt awkward about seeing me after that. Btw, this was after my bf had gone out of his way to help S move his **** into a new apartment on several afternoons. After receiving the text from S my bf started yelling at me for coming to the party. Then he said how he didn't always want to have to bring me along to parties, even if S wasn't there. When we got to my house he apologized profusely, said he really wanted to stay with me and would try to work on his anger. He told me he was puzzled by his anger and wondered if he had hypomania (he was diagnosed with it as a teen). He held me tight and even started to tear up a little, begging me "not to go" inside. 3) "Maybe I'll send you an email or something." We had plans to go to another party together on Saturday night thrown by the same crowd. My bf had explicitely invited me to this one, no reservations about it this time. I was looking forward to it because I wanted to redeem myself for passing out at the last one and get to know the people better. By five o'clock the night of I still hadn't heard from him. Finally, I called and he didn't pick up. I waited a couple of hours and called a few more times. He picked up now. He told me, "sorry, I'm not going to that party, I made other plans. I think you should just make plans with somebody else." I was kind of stunned because our last meeting had ended with a lot of hugging. I hadn't done anything to provoke this. His extremely flat demeanor on the phone was chiling. I started choking up and telling him he was really hurting me but he only responded with robotic lines. I asked him who he was hanging out with and he said "that's none of your business." To make matters worse this conversation happened on my first real night at my new restaurant job. (Fortunately I was in the bathroom.) I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said he was. I told him I deserved to see him in person once more for some closure. He said he didn't think that was a good idea and maybe he'd "send me an email or something." Finally, I got him to agree to meet me briefly that night after my shift. I took the train to his apartment. After his rant, he confessed that he had lied and was in fact going to the party without me and giving S a ride there. He also told me was that his original plan was to not call me or answer my calls for a week at least. So he was going to disappear for a week without even telling me that he was blowing off our plans or wanted to break up. ------- Again, I'm not writing this stuff out to be judged or scolded. Just to vent.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 If you don't care to hear responses, maybe you either preface your opening posts with that statement so we don't bother reading, or post in the Rants section?
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I didn't know you broke up .. sorry shadow... You do sound like you are working thru the emotions though.. keep it up
blind_otter Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I'm sorry that you had to go through a breakup like that. Personally, I think he was especially cruel in the way that he handled things...
Author shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 If you don't care to hear responses, maybe you either preface your opening posts with that statement so we don't bother reading, or post in the Rants section? No, I do want to hear responses. I just don't want it to devolve into a personal attack fest like some of my threads do.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I really don't know what to say. I mean, it sounds like typical behavior coming from him. Are you surprised?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 No, I do want to hear responses. I just don't want it to devolve into a personal attack fest like some of my threads do. I think you should be glad that you guys broke up. The whole drama between your bf and S was never really resolved and this was the result from everything that had occurred. I personally feel this break up is your liberation from the emotional abuse that's been present. The fact that your bf chose S over you says something doesn't it?
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 One thing, Shadow. I don't think this breakup is permanent, and I worry about that.
JP77 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 The fact that your bf chose S over you says something doesn't it? It signals that he hates her and got his revenge.
Author shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 It signals that he hates her and got his revenge. I can understand why he'd hate me, but why not S too? Especially after all the favors if he's done for S with nothing in return.
Author shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 One thing, Shadow. I don't think this breakup is permanent, and I worry about that. Why do you think that? We actually still have plans for tomorrow to go down together to visit the school we'll both be attending in the Fall. It's weird since we're not together. I don't want him back, though. I have no love left, only resentment and pain.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Why do you think that? We actually still have plans for tomorrow to go down together to visit the school we'll both be attending in the Fall. It's weird since we're not together. I don't want him back, though. I have no love left, only resentment and pain. I'm not trying to start a fight here, but honestly, if he "requests" that you have sex with him, you probably will submit. If he "requests" that you get back together, that you tolerate him treating you poorly and making S a priority, you will likely submit. I say this because as badly as he was treating you, you waited for HIM to break up with YOU, not the other way around.
Author shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I'm not trying to start a fight here, but honestly, if he "requests" that you have sex with him, you probably will submit. If he "requests" that you get back together, that you tolerate him treating you poorly and making S a priority, you will likely submit. I say this because as badly as he was treating you, you waited for HIM to break up with YOU, not the other way around. I think I'm too weak-willed to break up with somebody. I've never actually ended a relationship. Usually if I lose interest, I just wait around for them to notice and break up with me first.
Walk Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I'm floored that he wasn't going to tell you for a whole week. I'm sorry you're having so many problems right now. Drop contact with your exbf for good and start working on enjoying your life. p.s. I've always found that extroverts and introverts tended to work well as couples. I think your exbf was just stabbing you in an area he knew would hurt most. He sunk low with that one.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think I'm too weak-willed to break up with somebody. I've never actually ended a relationship. Usually if I lose interest, I just wait around for them to notice and break up with me first. I used to be the same way.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Why do you think that? We actually still have plans for tomorrow to go down together to visit the school we'll both be attending in the Fall. It's weird since we're not together. I don't want him back, though. I have no love left, only resentment and pain. If you don't love him anymore, why are you still willing to be around him? I honestly believe it would be best if you distance yourself from him as much as possible because you're too easily influenced by him.
Walk Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Are you really considering going with him to visit the school? Why?
blind_otter Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Why do you think that? We actually still have plans for tomorrow to go down together to visit the school we'll both be attending in the Fall. It's weird since we're not together. I don't want him back, though. I have no love left, only resentment and pain. Huh. If it were me in your situation, I'd be like "See ya, chump. Find another traveling buddy, lose my number and my email, and don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out." No way I would be going anywhere with a guy who spoke to me in that fashion, with all those digs and just plain cruel remarks for no real reason other than to hurt you.
Author shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Huh. If it were me in your situation, I'd be like "See ya, chump. Find another traveling buddy, lose my number and my email, and don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out." No way I would be going anywhere with a guy who spoke to me in that fashion, with all those digs and just plain cruel remarks for no real reason other than to hurt you. I think at this point I'm just scared of starting a new school alone with no connections. It's already bad enough at the places I work where nobody my age seems interested in talking to me. To be totally alone in a new environment would be terrible.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think at this point I'm just scared of starting a new school alone with no connections. It's already bad enough at the places I work where nobody my age seems interested in talking to me. To be totally alone in a new environment would be terrible. In doing so, you're carrying old, painful baggage into a completely new, fresh environment. You're poisoining what could be an amazing experience for you.
blind_otter Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think at this point I'm just scared of starting a new school alone with no connections. It's already bad enough at the places I work where nobody my age seems interested in talking to me. To be totally alone in a new environment would be terrible. I think it would be more terrible to be dependent on someone who talks to you and treats you like that.... You'll never get to a point where you feel good about yourself, and strong and happy, until you break away from a negative influence like that. Think about the Audrey Hepburn movie "Sabrina"....she was such a wallflower, and so shy. Then she goes to Paris to be a photographer's assistant, and she does all this alone - completely alone - and she blossoms into the confident, happy woman. It's inspiring, I think. Sometimes you do have to do things alone to realize that you are the strong, powerful woman you hoped you would become. Sometimes it's all inside of you, waiting for the opportunity to show itself.
Walk Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think at this point I'm just scared of starting a new school alone with no connections. It's already bad enough at the places I work where nobody my age seems interested in talking to me. To be totally alone in a new environment would be terrible. Its not bad at all. Think of the possibilities! You looking at it as solely a negative, and allowing your insecurity and fear to persuade you to hide from a really amazing opportunity. Think about it, you have the chance to complete re-create who you are into who you want to be. You won't have a single person pulling you back into old molds, or preconcieved notions. You're scared. That's normal. But there's nothing to be scared of except what you've created in your own head. I started college without knowing a single soul around and I really enjoyed it. Not only was it easier to focus more on my studies, but I also made some really great friends who I NEVER would've met if I hadn't been forced to keep that option open. If I have someone I know around me, then I won't talk to others. I claim up and hide. Not knowing anyone really pushed me to rely on myself, learn how to interact and build friendships with others, and develop my own sense of self-worth. I'm really glad I did it, even though it was hard and extremely scary. Don't let your fear stop.
Author shadowplay Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I think it would be more terrible to be dependent on someone who talks to you and treats you like that.... You'll never get to a point where you feel good about yourself, and strong and happy, until you break away from a negative influence like that. Think about the Audrey Hepburn movie "Sabrina"....she was such a wallflower, and so shy. Then she goes to Paris to be a photographer's assistant, and she does all this alone - completely alone - and she blossoms into the confident, happy woman. It's inspiring, I think. Sometimes you do have to do things alone to realize that you are the strong, powerful woman you hoped you would become. Sometimes it's all inside of you, waiting for the opportunity to show itself. I hope you're right, and I agree with your logic...but let me explain mine, even if it's distorted: I spent years alone. I had no friends at all, not even aquaintances through most of high school, spent two years of college practically alone. Being alone was hell. It didn't inspire me to break out of my shell. I wish it had. If anything it had the opposite effect, it stunted my emotional growth and I believe it played a huge role in my present problems. In many ways I still feel like an eighth grader. That year was the last time I had real friends, and in turn a real connection to the world. I'm so tired of being alone.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I hope you're right, and I agree with your logic...but let me explain mine, even if it's distorted: I spent years alone. I had no friends at all, not even aquaintances through most of high school, spent two years of college practically alone. Being alone was hell. It didn't inspire me to break out of my shell. I wish it had. If anything it had the opposite effect, it stunted my emotional growth and I believe it played a huge role in my present problems. In many ways I still feel like an eighth grader. That year was the last time I had real friends, and in turn a real connection to the world. I'm so tired of being alone. I understand how you feel, but it's not an excuse to cling onto your bf after the way he had hurt you. No matter how hard it is, its best to make other friends on your own instead of relying on him all the time.
Kamille Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think it's normal to rehash things, especially when they end this badly. You need to process the break up, and in due time, the relationship. One question about your previous College experience. Did you live with your parents? And what about in this new town... What will your living arrangements be like? Have you considered a dorm? (I lived in a dorm for the first few months of my first year of university and it allowed me to meet people easily).
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