SadGreenEyes Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Commitmentphobia Is this a real fear or some lame excuse for not wanting to commit? I know they have books on the subject, in fact my bf's ex graciously left behind a book that she read and highlighted in regard to some of his traits. After 4 years of dating I think I have earned the commitment, not just the bare minimum he puts forth. Im not looking for marriage either, just the loyalty. The other post about the anxiety sounded familiar. Anyone been involved with one of these? SGE
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I was involved with one in college. I worked and worked on that relationship - put time and worry into it, and when it came time to really commit, he couldn't. He said that he didn't believe in marriage, weddings, etc. We broke up, and a few years later he married - two ceremonies: one in the states and one overseas in a romantic city. We are talking the whole nine yards, big huge engagement ring, lavish wedding, committing for life, etc. He was a commitmentphobe, but only with me and the girlfriends he had before me. Some people are like that - shopping for long term relationships, while refusing to fully commit in case something better comes along. Is your guy a commitmentphobe in general, or just with you? Hard to say. When it comes right down to it, it wouldn't matter - a man who won't commit regardless of reason isn't going to change in the relationship he refuses to commit in.
xjohnsgirlx Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 After reading this i feel a bit better?... my last bf couldnt trust me no matter what i did ... i bought him so many gifts gave him money everything he always said he loved me and we talked about marriage and babys but when it came to the actual do it... he cudnt .. like i duno how to explain .. he had had 7 other gfs and i know he was very romantic aswell with them .... but they never lasted just like me ... i dont exactly no what to say but i didnt actually know this was a phobia?
thebrunette Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I used to be very phobic about commitment but am now happy to commit. It didn't mean I wanted to sleep around or anything like that, I was just scared of feeling claustrophobic or suffocated. Some people say they are afraid of commitment and mean they like to sleep with many people or have an easy excuse to break up with people, but some people are genuinely frightened. Your best bet is to not be pushy and to give him space. If you feel there are more sinister reasons for the lack of commitment then think about confronting him or ending it. I find it strange he is 'phobic' after four years with you. I've had to end it with people in much much shorter periods of time because i 'had to get out'. It's like a claustrophobic person who lives in a little cupboard or something, it doesn't add up to me. Four years seems like a good amount of time, if he was phobic he would have ended it by now maybe.
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Many times what's deemed as commitment phobia is situational. They might have recently been burned in a relationship and are still working through issues, wrong time in their lives or the sad one, you're not the person who they can bond with. If the same commitment issues manifest themselves in multiple consecutive relationships, there's only one constant...a true commitment phobe.
thebrunette Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Many times what's deemed as commitment phobia is situational. They might have recently been burned in a relationship and are still working through issues, wrong time in their lives or the sad one, you're not the person who they can bond with. If the same commitment issues manifest themselves in multiple consecutive relationships, there's only one constant...a true commitment phobe. I agree with this completely. I think the OP needs to talk to her boyfriend about it in depth and find out what's going on. If he can't communicate anything to you if you try to get him to open up then I think it's time to start reviewing your options. What would spell commitment to you? You've been with him four years so what is there you want him to do in order to make a commitment? If you can answer this then you need to tell him your answer and see what he says.
Recommended Posts