Time to move on ..... or hang on more ?

[steve9417]

Hi, I'm in a a quandary with an ex girlfriend and would appreciate some thoughts on what to do

 

We went out for 18 months and had a great first year together, whilst we lived apart by 200 miles that never made a difference as we spoke daily and met most weekends and shared in so many things together. In all we were both in love and had so much hope. After a year i became upset with the way she treated some people and that was reflected in how i treated her as she then got hostile and aggressive with me at times. I talked with her about these upsetting things and that helped a lot and we always got back on track. We continued from then having needless arguments and after one of them it must have broken my belief in us and we started to drift apart and late last year we both ended it.

 

In the past 4 months she's seen a therapist (something i'd always suggested would be helpful when we were going out) and as we've kept in email contact she told me some 2 months ago that she misses me still and has so much to say to me, she is also still very hurt by us ending. I told her that I miss her also and that i've found us parting difficult as well and suggested that we meet and talk ..... she said that she would think about meeting (we've not met since we split) as she's very protective of her heart and that was 7 weeks ago, since then i've given her lots of space and only emailed her when she's made contact. She has remained illusive on meeting though last weekly indicated that she might be in the same town as me soon so we could go for a walk together

 

I'm fairly emotionally mature but recognise I was at much at fault in our downfall by being cold and unconditional when we argued. I've no idea if she's seeing anyone, i'm single and this is holding me back from moving forward either with or without her. I've found the past 2 months difficult as this has been on my mind almost all the time and has impacted my sleep and health - thus appreciate thoughts on what to do.

 

I've two questions - what do you think she's experiencing and what's the best thing for me to do .............. Thanks Steve

[sacg]

I personally feel for you, i see similarities in the casues of breaking up. Although yours didnt tell you she doesnt feel the same anymore. dont know why im giving advice as im currently trying to accept my loss. I guess your story may be hopeful, for me as well as you. i guess she may have had a chance to "clear her head" and see what she really wants. I dont want to get hopes up, but take things slowley and remember, if you do meet up, remember what it was that destroyed it first time round, and work like mad to prevent that happening again. its only now i realise that this is what they mean by working at a relationship. You both seem mature and capable of making decisions, so I'd say,(and this is biased as its what i wish for) go for it. Arrange to see her and take it slow. Rediscover each other and who knows.

 

I wish you all the best my friend, keep us posted.

[justaman99]

I would be careful with taking too much blame in the failure of this relationship. You voiced your concerns and your needs and it seems she let her anger and attitude continue. Sure in most cases both are at fault for a failure but from what I am reading it was something in her that you just wouldn't accept. The good news is she is accepting of her behavior existing and is doing something about it. If you love her I would stand by her and be supportive. Relationships do take work and this scenario is just that. She's working on herself and you are working on potentially being supportive in her efforts. I would say stand by her and be open with her. Best of luck.

 

I am very optimistic when people in her situation take initiative to better themselves. It has a great chance to make your relationship stronger because you went through this challenge together with hopefully a positive ending for each as individuals and as a couple.

 

-Just

[steve9417]

Well thanks for the feedback.

 

I spoke with the ex for a bit earlier as we'll meet this weekend. She was hard as nails / very defensive & showed little in the way of wanting to really talk on an open level, instead matter of fact. Essentially she embellished what she was up to and gave little hint towards any feelings for me, she used past tense and that as strong a guide for me. In many ways it was helpful to spend time talking with her as she demonstrated traits that i struggled with (lack of humility and contemptuous). I suppose i had hope before the call and now that's waning, which of course is part of the letting go process & i'm fine with that.

 

She said that she'd found me very unsupportive in our relationship and that her time with her therapist was coming to a conclusion as she's worked through the issues she wanted to (me !!). Also she said its expensive so she's conscious of making it "results orientated". Essentially therapy appears to have helped her realise the fundamental issues with me and my behaviour/s (!!!!)

 

Thus my meeting with her is highly unlikely to have any other outcome other than stalemate. I'm very comfortable about why it ended and the reasons that underpinned it, though had hoped she'd have have shifted in therapy to want a more open dialogue about why we ended and explore if the we had any feelings (which i still do - although "did" is a more word now the calls over). I'm angered by the approach she took but know that she was being "protective" of herself and "getting on with things". I was also disappointed by that and it would be all to easy to respond in her style, though i shouldn't be surprised after all the hurt and pain she's gone. So i expect the meeting will be a cold and blunt occasion. I'll work hard at being unconditional and open - needless to say taking an emotionally mature stance is how i'd like to be ..... might be a bit difficult if she starts pressing some of my "buttons" or makes personal statements about my behaviour as i'm highly protective of myself and proud of the person I am. Besides I deserve a better partner than her. There's a lot i could share with her about my feelings but thats not appearing to be on the agenda. This will i suspect be a last chance to say hello and wish her well.

 

In all fairness i'm relieved and glad for going through this "process" and the time leading up to waiting to hear from her - its given me time to reflect and grow in myself ...... I'm close to moving on and starting a new chapter - just now have to get the final meeting out of the way - as she would put it

 

Oh well the world's gone round a few times since i last met her and not in the way i might have wanted or imagined ........ but i know its for the best

 

Might send a final thread after the weekend & thanks again for feedback - take care Steve

[Emmeline]

Hi Steve,

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on this situation. I suspect that your ex-girlfriend is confused about a lot of things in her life and the rocky relationship you two had was just part of her problem.

 

Ask yourself this: are you willing or able to keep this woman in your life as a friend and a person you care for platonically (at least for now), or do you still have romantic feelings for her? If you still have romantic feelings for her, it will be very difficult for you to move on if you allow her to remain in your life. Without knowing more about her issues and how/if therapy is helping her, it's hard to say what her motivations are. But from what you've said about her thus far, she definitely strikes me as someone who really doesn't know what she wants. My concern is that it would be difficult for you to remain in touch with her under those circumstances if you still have feelings for her.

 

But if you can honestly say that you can remain in contact with this girl as only a supportive and caring friend, then by all means do so.

 

I hope you do check back in after you see her this weekend and give an update. I was just dumped in about the most brutal way possible and being here and reading others' stories is helping a bit.

 

I thought it might be all women here, but I suppose there's some comfort in knowing that men are here too and that they go through the same things we do.

[steve9417]

Well we met and had a nice time.

 

I took time to explain how I felt us breaking up was sad esp. as we'd a lot of value going for us (and more besides) ...... I was conscious that me sharing this would lead to complexity for her & i'm not going to interpret how she'll absorb and process my message (else i'll go stir crazy). I said i only had one thing besides saying what I did and that was to let her know that we could either keep talking or close shop and just remain friends (of course the latter would not work for me, not that i shared that with her). I'm very protective of myself and if things are to rebuild then it would be over time .... i can't think for a moment that she'd look at it any differently.

 

She reinforced how much she has missed me though i'm aware that words can change on reflection, so don't read them as literal. Thus I'll leave her with space again and see what unfolds.

 

I'm finding this process deeply valuable. Being obsessed is more about wanting to fill a vacuum ..... if we're to rebuild things then I want someone who'll complement my life & not make up for parts missing in me.

 

Take care .... Steve

[justaman99]

Seems like the whole therapy thing was a farce. It wasn't at all to help her deal with her anger and discontent with herself but to find support to blame you for everything. My thought is that she told the story as best she could to make her sound like a victim. People that do this are living a lie. They tell the stories in a way that get them support and consolation. The poor me syndrome. That is so typical of people in her position. I know people like this. What is the point of telling a story with so much bias without truth of her own doing? It's simply to hear what she wants to hear. I was hopeful for a minute there.

 

You're better off now. Let it be.

 

-Just

[steve9417]

hi again - i would really appreciate some thoughts from people on my position since my original post - i'm very confused and hurt by events since my posts and could do with some help - responses such as ditch her she's a loser are not going to help me right now.

 

since my last meeting with her she's told me she still loves me, we've kissed, made love on the 2 times we've met, spoken at length about my true feelings for her and i've explained my sincerity behind that and that i see a long term future together - there's a huge problem though besides the distance - she's with a man whose 13 years older than her and has been for the past 2 months - they work together and he's a practising therapist - he's just left a 15 year relationship to be with her and naturally this is getting a lot of office gossip - he provides her with love and security that i was not providing her at the end - she's still very hurt about me - she knows that "i'm the one" but this guy is putting pressure on her to stay with him - also this guy since i turned up nearly 3 weeks ago has been distraught about losing her as she's told him about our meetings - so much so that he's been started sleeping with her without any protection to get her pregnant - she of course has allowed that to happen - since our last meeting she's accepted that a baby is not the solution and will ensure that stops (assuming she's not pregnant already) - he's putting a lot of emotional pressure on her to stay with him and when i speak with her she is holding back from me - once we spend time though she knows in her heart that i'm her true love and knows she will always look backwards - she's in the past 4 days decided to leave this guy and work out what she needs - i know he will not allow her the space to do that really and will play the "oh help me i'm so hurt card" which i believe she will struggle to ignore after all the support that he gave her about me - i see him as a desperate man and doing everything he can to keep her - what she really needs is support, care, time and space to decide

 

i wrote an email to her in the last 24 hours and the crux of it said "you need to know in yourself that we're finished from your perspective so that there will be no looking back for you - this is about your needs and you need space to decide that" - none of her friends will talk with her about it as they see me a hopeless case after all the hurt (but they only get 1/2 the story) - her therapist says take a step back and look after yourself, pray and time will allow you to know what to do (the therapist knows how much she loves me) - her mum knows what i hold for her as the love of her life and so does this new man which scares the hell out of him - he's not prepared to let her go - he saw a therapist himself one morning last week and it was obvious that space for her to decide was what was needed - that did not stop him making love (unprotected) again that same night and then calling her constantly since that point saying he needs her

this is a terrible mess and she says that she had wished i had spoken to her 2 months earlier - she see's this new relationship as something special but to me it is a man offering to please and support her at a time when she's been very very hurt (a rebound shoulder to cry on and he's fallen for her and she in turn him) - they have little in common that is the stuff of real relationships - he's desperately in love with her and clearly after just leaving a failed 15 year relationship very insecure and needy - she is stressed, not sleeping well, behaving totally irrationally and lost

 

this has become the stuff of movies and i'm living in it !!!! well thats my story and i suspect there are no answers except via time - as for me i'm very very hurt and confused about how to play this now although i really know that NC and to meditate / exercise / see friends / talk with close love ones and talk with a therapist as well (at least someone's doing well out of this financially ..... lol ) - she knows that her life is at a fundamental stage where her it will go down one of two paths and she's struggling to decide on what's best for her (she knows if its not with me then she will always regret it) - this new man will i sense try to take the decision out of her hands by emotional manipulation

 

if anyone has thoughts to help me or this situation then i'd really appreciate it ........... thanks steve