Egoolps Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 My plan is to propose to my girlfriend the beginning of the fall, as we’ve been dating for exactly 5 years. However, I’ve been doing some heavy thinking…and honestly, I’m very afraid that we are too different and this could be a short marriage. I love her, I am EXTREMELY attracted to her, and we make each other laugh and enjoy each other’s company. However, there are some major differences that I’m afraid might not make it work. She likes to stay very close to home. She either wants to watch movies or lounge around the house. While that is ok with me half of the time, the other half I want to go out and try new restaurants, go to different bars, etc. She does not care to travel (hence, staying close to home as mentioned above). I want to go on vacations once/year (or more). I want to be able to vacation with her and us be alone with none of our “normal” life following us. I like to drink and occasionally (notice I say occasionally) get drunk. She is completely against drinking due to alcoholism in her family being rampant. She accepted it a bit early on, but now simply gets upset when I even have a beer because she thinks I am going to turn out like her family members. I will admit, I do like to go out drinking once every couple of weeks with my friends and do it secretly because I don’t want to hear her complain about it. So, it’s better off I don’t say anything. She does not like to have sex and I do. Early on, she had sex with me quite often. Later on, as the sex declined, she admitted to me that the only reason we had sex 2-3 times/week (which is not often for most couples) was because she didn’t want me to break up with her. We tried oral early on (her a couple of times on me, me a couple of times on her), and since I really didn’t do it before, I must not have been good. She said she got nothing out of it. She also didn’t try really hard to please me that way, as she always stopped. Regular intercourse she says does nothing for her. On a similar topic, when I make sexual comments she refers to me as “disgusting” and “gross.” For example, if she’s wearing a short skirt or tight tank that looks good, if I say anything sexual like it turns me on, etc. she’ll tell me to stop being “sick.” She’s very cheap, and I like to spend money. That doesn’t mean I go and blow money left and right. But if there’s a shirt I want to buy, she’ll say something like “wait til it goes on sale, don’t waste your money.” All the time. I guess I didn’t realize how different we were until we go out of college (and turned 21). It’s now 3 years after that. My question is: what do I do? Can I possibly tell her that for the past several years we haven’t been doing things I like to do? I mean, I certainly can’t tell her I go out “late nights” without her (even though they are innocent), as that will cause problems.
Keridan Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Well, you have a tough one there. It's something that depends on the people involved. I don't think the way to start a marriage is to hide what you think will upset her. It's not fair to either of you if you start things with dishonesty. Obviously you love her, but you have some issues to work out before you sign on for a lifetime together. I would suggest some form of counseling on the issues. There is all sort of pre-marital counseling available. If you are religous, you can talk to your priest. If you just want couples counseling, it's the same as if you are already married, but with still having the option of walking away kid-free if you can't settle it. Some even charge on a sliding scale (cheaper if you don't make much money). At the very least, you need to talk about the differences. The problem with the straightforward approach is that things can seem insurmountable when they aren't. Or they can seem solved when they aren't. You are making a very important decision here. You are smart to consider it with your head even when your heart is already decided. Take the steps necessary to be sure. Good luck to you!
Lishy Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Oh dear I think you need to seriously ask yourself if this is the woman for you. If it is this bad now, imagine it in 5 years? 10 years? I do believe that you do not have to have all the same interests to make a relationship work, opposing hobbies, likes etc can be good as it gives you space and time alone BUT you are hiding things from her, that is not good! I do not think you should marry this girl at the moment, I think you shold have a bloody good think about what you REALLY want!!!!!!!!! This is your life so why choose to live it miserable? My advice is to be honest and open and admit that you have to go out in secret through fear of her reaction etc - Get it out there - If you are thinking of marrying her you must be honest with her Good luck
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 She does not like to have sex and I do. Early on, she had sex with me quite often. Later on, as the sex declined, she admitted to me that the only reason we had sex 2-3 times/week (which is not often for most couples) was because she didn’t want me to break up with her. We tried oral early on (her a couple of times on me, me a couple of times on her), and since I really didn’t do it before, I must not have been good. She said she got nothing out of it. She also didn’t try really hard to please me that way, as she always stopped. Regular intercourse she says does nothing for her. Holy crap... don't get married. Unless you want to be a miserable prick down the road. I made this mistake once, believe me, it won't make you happy.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Wow if you don't like all these things about her right now, imagine a lifetime of it. I know you said you love her, but love doesn't hold a marriage (or relationship for that matter) together..only compatability. You might want to consider getting everything out on the table. Have a nice long talk about waht you are feeling. Don't accuse her of not making you happy or that she is a bad person/gf, just honestly tell her how you are feeling. If you can't tell her what is bothering you right now, then you certainly wont be able to do that in a marriage. Obviously your relationship has it's strong points and good times or else you wouldn't have lasted 5 years. Talk to her about this and if she gives you a bunch of B.S. and gets upset about what you are feeling then you have your answer on what kind of a partner you have.
Walk Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think you've been scared that if you don't fit what she wants then she'll leave you. You've been trying so hard to fit that mold that you've gotten to the point where you'd rather toss the whole relationship then put the effort in to change it. I don't blame you either... you've been putting in a great deal of effort to be who your gf wants you to be without getting the same back from her. Before you attempt to make such a big decision about whether to leave, or stay with this girl for life, I think you need to open your gf's eyes as to who you REALLY are. Start communicating with your gf about what you really want, what you really think, and what your true expectations of a healthy and fun relationship are. Be honest about who you are, and attempt to enlighten your gf in a calm and compassionate way. If you keep quiet about what you want, or think, then you have absolutely NO CHANCE of ever getting it. Give your gf a chance to help repair the relationship and hopefully turn it into something both of you can enjoy. Give her a figurative thump on the head and demonstrate to her that you are serious about changing the dynamics of the relationship. Give it one last big shot. Talk to your gf about how you feel, be confident that you deserve to have your needs met too, stand up for what you know you need in order to be happy in a relationship. Give your gf a chance to realize how close to losing you she is, and give her the opportunity to work with you to repair the damage that's been done. Don't just spring it on her at the last minute that you're actually really unhappy and you've already decided you're done with the relationship. No one will know how you really feel, or what's really important to you unless you tell them and back it up with actions to support it. If she doesn't want to change, if she isn't willing to open her eyes to the situation... then you'll know its time to leave. And you won't need us, or anyone else, to help you with that decision. You'll know what you need to do.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 ^ Excellent advice from Walk. You have poured yourself into her mold, and while you may have been comfortable there long enough to date, that's not going to last for a marriage! I would strongly advise that you resolve these problems before you think about getting married. They are not insurmountable, but it is going to take some good communication from both of you.
mental_traveller Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 You would be insane to get married. You have way too many differences, there's no way it will work.
Recommended Posts