simpson198621 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Been married for 11 years and have a 4yr old son. There has been a lot of verbal abuse over the years, disrespect, condescending behavior, dominating personality, trying to mold me into the person he wanted me to be, etc. For the 3rd time in the last 1.5 years I told him I was unhappy, but this time I stuck to my guns and told him that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. He begged, pleaded and cried for me to give him another chance, promising he would change and become the man I wanted him to be. I told him he could have that chance, but that I didn't know if it would work because I was so unhappy and didn't feel we were soulmates or that we were meant to be together. So he is trying his darndest to be a perfect wonderful loving guy. People suggest counseling to make the marriage work, but I don't want counseling, I want out. People say to remember what I loved about him in the first place, but the problem is that he was a rebound guy. I was tired of dating and being hurt and he was the first guy to come along. I though his uniqueness was cool back when I was 21. Now that I am 33, I can't stand it. I hate that he wears tie dye all the time and that his clothes rarely match. I hate that he won't cut off his mullet. I hate that he is into heavy metal and a hippy. All those things that I liked, I cannot stand now. I feel like I am leading him on, saying that I will try to make it work, even though I know in my heart that it HAS to end or I will go insane. But I just don't know how long to give it before telling him that all the work he has been doing to be the guy that I want (which can never happen) is in vain. Thoughts? Advice? Thanks for listening.
J2FT1 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Wow, those types of guys seem to be easy-going. Hippies... Be sincere and tell him honestly that you dislike everything that he is and represents. This will give him a reality check that it's over. Be firm that it's over. I guess this is the typical answer but it's always the straight one. Good Luck.
carhill Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I'll only add that, given the realities, counseling could help you better understand the issues and your own psychology so to better prepare you for the future as a single parent and potential romantic partner for someone else. Relationships take two people to succeed and two people to fail. Simply walking away won't solve everything. I'll bet you've never been alone. Are you up for that?
Author simpson198621 Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 The most alone I have been in the last 12 years was when he was in school 300 miles away, and it was the best time of my life, even though I was pregnant and then alone with an infant at the time. Granted that is not the same as being truly alone, but it certainly gave me a taste of how nice it is without him around. And I WANT to be alone now. Earlier in life I was desperate to not be alone, now I think being alone is what I need to find myself and my own happiness. I have been going to counseling on my own. When I asked him to go to marriage counseling, he took the gun into the bathroom and threatened to kill himself in front of me and our then 2 yr old son for 3 hours.
jerbear Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I have been going to counseling on my own. When I asked him to go to marriage counseling, he took the gun into the bathroom and threatened to kill himself in front of me and our then 2 yr old son for 3 hours. This is not a healthy situation for your son and you to be in. You remind me of a friend who went through a similar situation. It took years to recover. To me, it sounds like a control freak to the extreme. The threaten to kill himself is traumatizing and if he did it, he will do it again but it will only escalate. If he was that adamantly against marriage counseling then, he would be even more adamant now. IMO, it is time to NOT let him try again. You might even have to put a restraining order against him as a legal ramification. There are searchable threads on LS that have some opinions on restraining orders.
Author simpson198621 Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I removed the gun from the house recently because things have been so emotional and although he hasn't gone that far, he was definitely saying things like "life is not worth living" and "I'd rather be dead" and "would it be better if I just killed myself?" I got his step-dad involved, who doesn't want to see us split up, but is totally on my side in anything that happens. He said that if I decided to end it, I could stay at their place, or call him to come help out with the situation. I don't think I'd stay there cuz that is just a little strange, but I can go to my parents house. I have started stockpiling some cash and making a list of things I need to pack. So I have a plan in place. I don't even care now if I have to leave the house, though it would be better for son to stay in the home. I think it would be better in the long run to be with a happy mom and not be around dad so much because even though he says he is going to never be mean to us again, he still has unrealistic expectations for a 4 yr old. I just have to get through the next month or so, and then the timing will be right for me to head for the hills.
TrustInYourself Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 The most alone I have been in the last 12 years was when he was in school 300 miles away, and it was the best time of my life, even though I was pregnant and then alone with an infant at the time. Granted that is not the same as being truly alone, but it certainly gave me a taste of how nice it is without him around. And I WANT to be alone now. Earlier in life I was desperate to not be alone, now I think being alone is what I need to find myself and my own happiness. I have been going to counseling on my own. When I asked him to go to marriage counseling, he took the gun into the bathroom and threatened to kill himself in front of me and our then 2 yr old son for 3 hours. Uh yeah, he needs to talk to someone if he's doing crap like that.
TrustInYourself Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I removed the gun from the house recently because things have been so emotional and although he hasn't gone that far, he was definitely saying things like "life is not worth living" and "I'd rather be dead" and "would it be better if I just killed myself?" I got his step-dad involved, who doesn't want to see us split up, but is totally on my side in anything that happens. He said that if I decided to end it, I could stay at their place, or call him to come help out with the situation. I don't think I'd stay there cuz that is just a little strange, but I can go to my parents house. I have started stockpiling some cash and making a list of things I need to pack. So I have a plan in place. I don't even care now if I have to leave the house, though it would be better for son to stay in the home. I think it would be better in the long run to be with a happy mom and not be around dad so much because even though he says he is going to never be mean to us again, he still has unrealistic expectations for a 4 yr old. I just have to get through the next month or so, and then the timing will be right for me to head for the hills. It's obvious you want out. Does your husband not recognize that his behavior is just another attempt at controlling the situation? Of course you don't want to give him another chance. He's not changing, he's reinforcing the reasons you want to leave. I suggest moving out immediately. The sooner you get out and heal the better and more prepared you will be to address the situation with your husband on better terms. Keep in mind, he may not be truly prepared to make the life changes that you require. That's ok though, we all react differently to crisis. I recommend you try and be understanding, but break those chains of control. The sooner the better for both of you.
LakesideDream Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 You had me at the mullet... Seriously though you need to document his threats, and leave the home immediately. More often than is know "control suicides" turn into murderers or family destroyers. It's possible that he threaten suicide and a minute later decides to zap you and the kids. Anybody whoo threatens himself or others with a gun has a high potential of being dangerous or homicidal.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Have you considered calling a crisis or mental health centre, to find out what they would recommend?
hot123 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 You had me at the mullet... Seriously though you need to document his threats, and leave the home immediately. More often than is know "control suicides" turn into murderers or family destroyers. It's possible that he threaten suicide and a minute later decides to zap you and the kids. Anybody whoo threatens himself or others with a gun has a high potential of being dangerous or homicidal. I couldnt agree more...the mullet would have been the deal breaker...
wannabehappy Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think you do need time apart. How about a separation. I know you dont think it now but you may feel different once you two are not together. I believe you have grown tired of those things or maybe matured beyond what you once liked. But all those things can be changed they are not things that have to remain the same. How would you feel if he changed all those things to what you want? Would you want him then? Ask yourself that question. I dont believe the answer to all is divorce but a separation maybe what you need to attempt at this point. It is not as definate as a divorce and you will see how you feel and him also. I will never give advice to end a marriage unless it is dangerous to the people involved. But if you are content with a separation and feel that is what you want to continue a divorce maybe the best for the both of you. As time progresses you will resent him more and find more things you do not like and care not to live with. Stand your ground and make him know you feel this is the best thing for you now, for the whole family. Hope all works out keep us all updated.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 hey if your unhappy and want out then do so; your a big girl and you deserve your own happiness and well you make your own happiness. It's unfortunate that the relationship went rotten. All you can do now is find a good lawyer and straighten things out so you can leave safely with you and your child. Good luck to ya and keep us posted!
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