mma_j Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Just curious on anybody's take.. My SO and I have been together for 10 years. We had a breakup 2 months ago for 1 week because I wouldn't move to another city with her. I took 2 weeks of anguish and talking to figure out the problem. This was the second time in 10 years we had trouble so our relationship has been strong with just 2 downs and all the rest ups. The SO got into grad school and went on vacation about 3 weeks ago for a total of 6 weeks. She's in the EU with one of her ex-male coworkers (his father died so he needs some time off). I was okay with this in the beginning because I trust her completely. I also didn't mind that she had male company because I didn’t' want her to fear for her safety. I've never met the guy before and it didn't matter. It's about 3 weeks into the trip and they both update their online profiles with photos with labels such as "we" or "our." I'm usually pretty secure, but now I'm beginning to second guess everything. She's labeled things as "we" not referencing me and her before, so I shouldn't be concerned, but I'm concerned about her male friend doing the same w/o knowing him. However, I'm not about to bring it up because I don't want to seem insecure and there is no solid proof of anything. The communication between the SO and myself is limited to email (blackberry) and since I pay for the account, I have access to everything. I've done a quick check once in a while (when I have to pay bills, I go into her email). Nothing indicates anything is going on and we email daily, telling each other our days events and ending it with the "I love you/miss you." I need to just learn how to deal with this insecurity and realize it's all in my head. I don't want to think about something I have no control over yet the thought creeps into my head. I work out daily, have a great career, but am studying at home for a graduate school entrance exam. This leaves my social life (which would have helped me with the above situation) nonexistent. I have a lot of time to think about things, and recently, it's bothered me. Any ideas on how to deal with this? Thanks in advanced.
Megolicious Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Honestly, I wouldn't make yourself upset over it. It sounds to me like you two are still doing great and the "we" and "us" doesn't really mean anything as a label most of the time. Usually it just helps to point out that there was two of them together instead of one. If you have access to everything and you haven't bumped into anything that would be considered odd then you shouldn't sweat it. On my Myspace I always add the labels of "us" and "we" just so that the people I'm in the photos with feel acknowledged that they were there too with me. I know what you mean with the having free time to think of things. I have a pretty decent social life and i STILL always seem to have time to dwell on little things. If you keep on dwelling on problems their going to seem bigger than they really are. Trust me, I know ha. You should try reading in your spare time or finding a hobby or maybe go out and get yourself a nice tan..wish I could tan haha
dazed.1 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Correct me if I am wrong....but I could swear I read this post yesterday and it was a little different. I remember you said something like you came across an email you SO wrote saying something like in another life she would have been with the guy she is on vacation with? If my memory is right and you said that initially, can I ask why you removed it? Perhaps that is the reason you feel insecure. I would feel insecure in your situation if the above is true. But if you never wrote that (I read a lot of posts and maybe I'm confusing yours with another one) then you really shouldn't worry at all, since you really have no indication of your SO having any feelings for this person.
Lucky_One Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 "We" and "us" are pretty common pronouns. "Here we are in front of the Eiffel Tower" seems practical and unpretentious - "This is my platonic friend Jack in front of the Eiffel Tower and I am beside him" seems a bit wordy. You have been together 10 years? Why in the world wouldn't you move to be where she is, or move to an agreed upon city? What are your plans for the future? Bc after 10 years, if plans to be together are "on hold" bc you are both in grad school in totally different cities, I (as your GF) would have to wonder about our commitment to each other and to a shared future. She's giving up a lot of child-bearing years for you and her.
Lucky_One Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I am SO confused. You posted this yesterday? "I am currently in a rocky 10 year relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world. We met when she was 20 and I was 22. We were very much in love and even going to get married at one point. However, things have been distant in the past year. Ever since she got into graduate school, her wanderlust has really come full swing and she would like to discover the world. I want her to. We've broken off our engagement last year (she initiated), citing that she was curious what life was like w/o me. I was hurt, but for some reason I understand. To be in a relationship with such a woman, I find both heart breaking and fortunate that I want the girl to go and discover herself. I know exactly what she desires. I've had these feelings before, but felt tha tit was best to work through the relationship. Some people need to discover life because you've only got one. It's hard to break up with her for HER own good, but after reading about it on these forums, I do not want to be the one who holds her back. I also want to discover who I am without the love of my life for the past 10 years. It's the scariest thing in the world. I am about to take a 2 week roadtrip with this girl to drop her off at graduate school. After, we are going to take a trip to Trinidad and Tobago with her class and vacation. I need this break, as I'm applying to an MBA program myself. Once that's through, we'll be long distance until January 2009 (her choice to see what it's like living alone). She just got back from a 6 week vacation in EU (I couldn't go and was working). It felt kind of weird picking her up from the airport and when we were together, things had a fire, but weren't exactly the same. Is it wrong for me to break up with her to allow herself to grow? I think it would hurt me a lot more than her. However, it if were meant to be, then it were meant to be...." What's the deal, pickle?
Author mma_j Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I am SO confused. You posted this yesterday? "I am currently in a rocky 10 year relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world. The timing is off. The mind tricks were happening before she came back and I was alone here, while she was in EU. dazed1. yes, she said that when we spoke 2 days ago... she was sleep talking and said the travel partner's name, then said "i like you, but i love mma_j" I confronted her about it, and she said it was the truth. I then asked her about more details of her trip. She said that she felt it was weird because the guy she went with tried coming onto her a few times during the trip, even though he has a gf. He said "I wish I could kiss you, etc." And she said "no, i have a bf." She def. got confused at that point, and who wouldn't. While she may be secure in a relationship, it's empowering to have such feelings. I can say that from experience. Well, the conclusion is final. I couldn't take the wait any longer so I expressed my feelings and told her that she's free to do what she wants. She started crying and said she wants to be my best friend and tell me everything and doesn't want to lose me a friend. I told her that when she moves to Chicago, I won't contact her for 3 months. If she feels differently, she can email me or whatever, but I'm not going to respond. We've agree'ed to some permanent time off to grow as people. I was told if I wanted her to really love me, I wouldn't hold her back. It's not about me. It's about her life. If it were meant to be, then it were meant to be, but I'm not waiting. This forum has been so helpful in allowing me to organize my thoughts. A lot of my insecurities turned out to be just that... I realized I need to grow and develop as a person. If it hurts me this much just making up scenarios in my mind, then I need to get stronger. Thank you all so much. I'll probably be posting more in the breaking up/coping forum now.
dazed.1 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Are you two still going to T&T together?? I think maybe this "separation" or whatever is a good thing for your relationship. You have a really great attitude about this and you are right; it will give you a chance to find yourselves apart from each other. If you are meant for each other you will be together, and the growing you both do apart will only enrich your relationship. Right now you are both being really honest with each other and that is a great thing. Good luck.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 separate vacation when you're living together is NEVER a good idea.. NEVER... trust me..
Author mma_j Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Are you two still going to T&T together?? I think maybe this "separation" or whatever is a good thing for your relationship. You have a really great attitude about this and you are right; it will give you a chance to find yourselves apart from each other. If you are meant for each other you will be together, and the growing you both do apart will only enrich your relationship. Right now you are both being really honest with each other and that is a great thing. Good luck. Thanks dazed. It's going to be a weird couple of weeks (mostly because of our vacation), but as long as it's final, I think we can manage. I want her to grow. But more importantly, I want myself to grow. I want to know that eventually, with time, I won't feel this way. Whenever I am faced with such pain, I realize maybe I'm not strong enough to deal with it. There are a lot of things I can improve about myself as well. I hope I can just find the strength and motivation to continue my studies so I can get into the school of my choice. We have a lot of details to figure out, but as long as we can continue to discuss these things and move forward, I think I can do this. Thanks, you guys are the best. 10 years is tough to let go of, but I also need to see who I am as a person without her...
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