frame313 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 My wife and I have been married 5 1/2 years. We have a son who is 4 1/2 and she has a 12 year old from a previous marriage. She is 33 and I am 35. We've had minor problems but overall never fought much and admired each other through our marriage. However, we have struggled the last year and in the course of our struggles, lost touch with each other. We had talked about divorce a month ago, in which we had decided to work through things as we truly love each other. After one week of trying to work through things, she had left and wanted to divorce. Her parents became overly involved trying to protect their only child from her 'terrible marriage'. 2 days later, she had filed for divorce wanting sole custody of our son. 4-5 days later, her parents laid down $20,000 on a new house. Leaving our upside down mortgage to me. 6 days later, they bought her a new/used vehicle. Leaving both vehicles to me. 14 days later, we finally agree on 50/50 custody of our son. 21 days later she wants to use the divorce as a means of cleaning the slate in our relationship. Only to continue to "date" each other exclusively, eventually reconciling through counseling, and eventually remarry each other. Throughout this process, I have offered marriage counseling over and over again. I love my wife and went into this marriage with a death do us part, for better or for worse mentality. I'm having a hard time figuring that a fresh start means a divorce, new homes, cars, etc. Her parents had left nasty messages to me 3-4 days while everything was new...now they are acting as if nothing has happened. So far, the most important person, my son, is doing great with this transition (in fact, he seems happier), however, I'm confused as hell.
SingleDad Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Wow - very similar to my situation if you follow my threads. 7 yrs together, 3.5 married, 2.5yo daughter, she filed for divorce in january, froze our attorneys in April to go to mediator instead, legally separated on June 12, she bought new house and moved out June 27 - using my lump sum payment to her to buy the house and child support to pay the mortgage for the next 19 years. On June 14, two days after legally separated - she said we need to be friends for our daughter's sake. Not quite - we should be married for our daughters sake - I've got 12 months for her to see the light. You love your wife and your child. Be the best father you can be for your son. Love your wife - and give her the freedom she needs.
TrustInYourself Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 My wife and I have been married 5 1/2 years. We have a son who is 4 1/2 and she has a 12 year old from a previous marriage. She is 33 and I am 35. We've had minor problems but overall never fought much and admired each other through our marriage. However, we have struggled the last year and in the course of our struggles, lost touch with each other. We had talked about divorce a month ago, in which we had decided to work through things as we truly love each other. After one week of trying to work through things, she had left and wanted to divorce. Her parents became overly involved trying to protect their only child from her 'terrible marriage'. 2 days later, she had filed for divorce wanting sole custody of our son. 4-5 days later, her parents laid down $20,000 on a new house. Leaving our upside down mortgage to me. 6 days later, they bought her a new/used vehicle. Leaving both vehicles to me. 14 days later, we finally agree on 50/50 custody of our son. 21 days later she wants to use the divorce as a means of cleaning the slate in our relationship. Only to continue to "date" each other exclusively, eventually reconciling through counseling, and eventually remarry each other. Throughout this process, I have offered marriage counseling over and over again. I love my wife and went into this marriage with a death do us part, for better or for worse mentality. I'm having a hard time figuring that a fresh start means a divorce, new homes, cars, etc. Her parents had left nasty messages to me 3-4 days while everything was new...now they are acting as if nothing has happened. So far, the most important person, my son, is doing great with this transition (in fact, he seems happier), however, I'm confused as hell. Ridiculous. You don't clean a slate through divorce. Who brought up the divorce idea? I would treat the divorce as the real deal. You may love your wife, but her actions do not show that she loves you. Take control of the situation for yourself. Are you happier on your own? Give her time to reflect on the situation by withdrawing. It's obvious she already regrets the decision to divorce you. Now you need to decide what you want and what's best for your son. Is he not happier in the situation that you now have? Good luck and take my advice for what it is. Advice. I don't have all the answers, I am all about empowering the person seeking advice to find the answers for his/her own situation.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Date??? WTF? She does all that crap to you, just to date you again? Is that the kind of woman you want to be with. a woman who ruins your life and tears your family apart? I wonder why you would even be willing to place your heart out there like that knowing she could break it again. and most likely will!!!
Lynettemck Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Have you asked her why she did everything so quickly? I think the key here is in communication - you can't make decisions without information that would be unfair.
SingleDad Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Ask STBXW if she can freeze the divorce process for now and instead have a trial separation so sort things out, experience life apart for a while, and get a fresh perspective on things. If a trial separation is not accepted then how about a legal separation where the financials and custody is determined, but still gives 1 year to clear your heads and try the dating thing. Divorces are often nasty and it will be hard to even want to date each other after fighting over the divorce. Even the legal separation is tough. I have been so angry the last month since my legal separation that I have been doing the limited communication thing... even though I love my wife and want a fresh start - she refuses... other than to be friendly for our daughter's sake. Good luck.
Author frame313 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 She stopped over this week to show me her new car....(sports car, sunroof, all the options) and she greeted me with a hug and a kiss. I put a stop to it and asked her if she had any ideas of how we can successfully reconcile. Her response is that I'm moving too fast and this needs to be taken day by day. The church offered to meet with us this week. I went, she declined. I forwarded some info to her for counselors in the area and being that I have asked for counseling 3 out of our 5 years of marriage, I'm leaving this responsibility up to her. This was Monday and nothing has been mentioned as of today (Friday). To me, living life day by day, trying to regain that blissful love feeling we once had is too dangerous for everyone, especially the kids. I will not allow my son and myself to be dragged into another mess. I feel my son and I have the ability to pick up the pieces and be stronger and we are doing very well. I'm not giving up on her just yet, but I'm not trying too hard either. She has the tools to make a counseling appointment but doesn't show the will. If she ever makes the call, I will go, but for now, I've advised my attorney to proceed quickly in this matter before she changes her mind again.
Billy Bob Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 21 days later she wants to use the divorce as a means of cleaning the slate in our relationship. Only to continue to "date" each other exclusively, eventually reconciling through counseling, and eventually remarry each other. Something fishy going on here... I think she is using your wanting to reconcile as a carrot. You need to figure that she wants you out of her life, but she is going to play the game to get everything she can out of this divorce. Best way to do this is to lead you on and make you think that she is willing to rebuild the relationship. It's a bunch of horseshiit! I've seen it before and even manipulated my ex-wife during our divorce.. acting like I still wanted her and would do anything to save the marriage... meanwhile subterfuge was the game!
SingleDad Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Your STBXW sounds just like my STBXW in all respects, age 33, bought house, moving too fast, and acting friendly like she didn't just tear your heart out, chew it up and spit it out !!! You are doing the same thing I am. Limited contact, focus on the kid(s), taking each day one at a time, trying to be strong for yourself and your child, and wondering what the hell just happpened to your life !!! I'd try to give advice - but we are on parallel tracks doing the identical things.
LostHusband Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 You are doing the same thing I am. Limited contact, focus on the kid(s), taking each day one at a time, trying to be strong for yourself and your child, and wondering what the hell just happpened to your life !!! I'm still wondering what the hell just happened to my life and I got the "speech" 9 months ago! Been separated now 1 month, and next Saturday is our (would have been) 5 year wedding anniversary. When we were still living together the previous 8 months it seemed like we were on track to reconcile, I was even planning an anniversary trip for the two of us. But when I told her about it she asked me if that was a good idea, and that started the wheels to be in motion for her finally moving out. Yeah what the hell did happen to our lives??
Author frame313 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Well...........in preparation for a possible contested custody case I did a little research. I ran a study of 13 years (since she was pregnant with her first son). She just moved into her 14th known public address in 13 years. 2 divorces. 7 jobs. This will be her second quick claim deed in 7 years. 1 bankruptcy. 6 known relationships of 6 months or more. Me... 5 known public addresses. 4 are with her.(I hate moving) 1 job for last 13 years. First marriage. 1 previous relationship of 12 years. I'm sorry, but I walked down the aisle with "death do us part" in mind. I think she wrote "sucker" all over me. Caught me on the rebound, party gal with no morals. Reconciliation will never happen. I've been played. This is her pattern. I have a beautiful son out of this. It is my debt to him and to society to raise him with a high level of standards and values. I may be only 35, but I come from the old school. This will not kill me, it will make tougher. I can play her game and help her move, mow her lawn (yes, she has already asked me to) or.....build the wall and put up the fight. Anyone have any bricks?
TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Damn right. You're making the right decision and I'm proud of you.
Lookingforward Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Well...........in preparation for a possible contested custody case I did a little research. I ran a study of 13 years (since she was pregnant with her first son). She just moved into her 14th known public address in 13 years. 2 divorces. 7 jobs. This will be her second quick claim deed in 7 years. 1 bankruptcy. 6 known relationships of 6 months or more. Me... 5 known public addresses. 4 are with her.(I hate moving) 1 job for last 13 years. First marriage. 1 previous relationship of 12 years. I'm sorry, but I walked down the aisle with "death do us part" in mind. I think she wrote "sucker" all over me. Caught me on the rebound, party gal with no morals. Reconciliation will never happen. I've been played. This is her pattern. I have a beautiful son out of this. It is my debt to him and to society to raise him with a high level of standards and values. I may be only 35, but I come from the old school. This will not kill me, it will make tougher. I can play her game and help her move, mow her lawn (yes, she has already asked me to) or.....build the wall and put up the fight. Anyone have any bricks? Too bad you didn't do that research before you married her frame.....(not that what looks bad on paper always is) As you said, you have your wonderful little boy from this........he's your priority now.
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