SadGreenEyes Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Hi, it's been a while since I last posted, and my pathetic story remains the same. I want to ask the forum a question regarding intimacy in a relationship: How many relationships are in jeopardy because their mate is overweight? In a nut shell, my boyfriend says he wont be affectionate or intimate because of my weight. Dont get me wrong, I am FAR from obese, I just have your standard couple of extra pounds and could use some firming up. He said men are extremely visual creatures. Funny....before this guy I NEVER had a problem with any of that. Didnt seem to matter to my exhusband or assorted other exboyfriends. The lack of touch, a kiss, the embrace to be held, caressed, to be one with someone, it is so hard and I dont even want to tell you what it had done for what ever is left of my ego. Any input would be helpful! SGE
quankanne Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 he's a jackass if he's withholding affection just because you don't meet his standards. I'd dump his *ss if my man was doing/saying this, because he's made it into a conditional relationship ... you doing what HE wants, period. visual creatures, eh? Flip him off and see if he "gets the picture" :laugh:
stoopid_guy Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Yeah, dump him. There are plenty of us guys that appreciate "cuddly."
quankanne Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 best compliment I got was a from a friend when we were reminiscing over our college days together. I've always been heavier (though much less so 20 years ago!), and made a comment on it, but sweet sweet Timbo replied in a VERY appreciate voice, "I dunno, quank, I thought you were curvy!" needless to say, I walked on air all that week because someone saw my "not a pin-up model" figure and thought it was great, even after all these years.
blair08 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Wow! You don't need that kind of treatment. You deserve better.
Author SadGreenEyes Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I was heavier when we first met and I have told him a thousand times that if he didnt like what he saw the night of our first date then he should have never called me or emailed me again, as opposed to talking marriage in the first month of this "relationship". From some "research" and basically snooping I have come to learn that this didnt only happen with me and he did the same thing with his exgirlfriends. Why me? Thanks for your responses, I appreciate every one of them! keep 'em coming, I can use some reinforcement and proof that Im not the one who is insane, except maybe a little because Im still with him. What's wrong with me? You would think after 4 years I would learn. Thought I was a smarter woman SGE
quankanne Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 you know what they say about continually smacking your head up against a wall: Eventually, you realize the pain just isn't worth it. Kinda like your BF's comments. am curious, though: Is he some kind of health buff, or just chauvinistic?
Author SadGreenEyes Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 He is the farthest thing from being a heath nut nor does he ever work out. He is going bald and has a little belly on him as well. Funny, huh? Yet I look past his "faults", I actually like the receeding hairline and the little extra poundage doesnt phase me in the least.
Kamille Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Since you say you aren't the first girl with whom he pulls this kind of stunt, it sounds to me like he is pinning his lack of sex-drive on you and doesn't care about the consequences to your self-esteem. Perhaps you should tell him to go see a doctor to discuss his sex-drive. Oh, and tell him that where men are visual, women are sensual. And, uh, I don't remember your story, but, perhaps you would be better off with a partner who loves you just the way you are.
JackJack Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Respect yourself more, and get out of that unhealthy relationship.
Keridan Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Gah ... I wish my wife would gain a couple pounds. I worry about her sometimes, but it's her body and whatever condition it might be in, I love it. The guy's an idiot. He's no adonnis, but he expects you to be too thin? He needs to work on himself ... mentally even more than physically. His priorities are all messed up. Tell him to get his head out of his butt or you will find someone who likes you for you. Hell, the new guy will probably be better looking
Krytie TV Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If I'm in love with someone, I really don't notice a relatively minor weight gain. They take on more of a persona than merely their physical weight after I am "together" with them. Using that, I would say that it is more than just the weight that is bothering him. Personality maybe? Do you guys have a rocky relationship? Does he have reason to spite you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Why me? The better question, methinks would be... "why him?" What is it you see in him that you would want to work on a relationship with someone who would treat you (and other women) this way?
Author SadGreenEyes Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Rocky is an understatement. If you have a few extra minutes maybe you should read some of my older posts on this subject.
Karyyk Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Get out...the sooner the better. Sounds like the usual case of getting someone into a relationship to the point where they're emotionally vested, then trying to change them. Time to jump ship, because he's a jackass.
mental_traveller Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I'm a guy, I'll give you my honest reaction in past relationships. 1 serious relationship, my ex-gf was a tad overweight for her figure, but just normal like 10 lbs overweight. It didn't bother me. She later started working out and got into athletic shape, and to be honest it didn't really make any difference to my level of interest. Another relationship, she was a bit above average weight, then ballooned up to way overweight. I was patient for a while since she had quit smoking. However, eventually it really put me off especially when she would stuff her face in front of me, and I lost interest in her physically. We broke up for that and other reasons. Another relationship - she fluctuated between in shape, and about 1 stone overweight. However she had a pretty curvy figure and it suited her well. Overall I preferred her a bit over normal weight, since it ended up mostly on her ass and chest She started dieting of her own accord once she got about 1 stone over normal weight, so I never had any problem. So, based on my experience, if you are only a bit overweight, it won't make any real difference to a guy who actually finds you attractive. However, if you get significantly overweight, there is a limit and it will eventually turn guys off. Your boyfriend sounds like a weight fanatic and IMO he is just making excuses. If you're 2+ stones overweight yeah, but not from what you describe of just being a few extra pounds.
BentSpine Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 First of all, trying to change someone is a game I won't try playing. Anymore. You both seem to be seeking validation for your opinions: He says that guys are visual and you talk about standard pounds overweight, if I read your post correctly. Both of you are trying to convince the other to adopt your own point of view. If I were you I would immediately drop any 'shoulds' and start thinking: "THIS particular man/woman has this preference, can I meet it?" The conclusion might be that you two will be more happy with other partners. Does a 'few' pounds matter? Sometimes it does. It depends on his preference and on where you store fat. If he prefers a narrow waist more than prominent breasts, and you store fat on your belly instead of your hips, even a few pounds will decrease his attraction. By experience, although I'm a man I myself turn practically unattractive to the opposite sex (at least the women whom I'm interested in) if I gain 7 pounds.
stoopid_guy Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Different strokes for different folks... I don't care what you're shaped like, someone's going to find you attractive. Personally, I don't care as long as the lady looks healthy. Skin and bones? No thanks. Waddles when she walks and gets winded walking up a flight of stairs? No thanks. "Normal weight?" I think the average American woman weighs 160-ish, the perfect size to cuddle up with. I pay a lot more attention to a sweet smile, and if giggles and/or smiles come easily to her, I'm smitten.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Umm why are you still with him? If he expects you to lose weight, expect him to lose that belly and grow some hair. Double standards.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Umm why are you still with him? If he expects you to lose weight, expect him to lose that belly and grow some hair. Double standards. Meow, the girl has a point.
bede86 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 i dun know bout anyone else, but i like a girl whose a couple of pounds over weight, nice hips and butt etc lol. maybe its just me .
LolitaAnastasia Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hey hun, The first man I slept with (who by the way is a great friend and always will be) was obese. I was a skinny girl at the time lol. I love my friend as he is one of the most important things to me. My current boyfriend is tall and super skinny. Where as over the past four years I have gain a few kilos and got nice sized love handles and big breasts and a pot stomach, I'm not the morbidly obese type. Although I am overweight. However the other night I was complaining about my weight when my boyfriend turned to me and said "It would be great if you were 61 to 59 kilos." "Maybe a goal would be five kilos each year." I think he is mainly concerned about my health as I have a muscluar wasting condition. I was a bit offended but I knew he was right I'm endangering my health. Although in the past with him, I always felt he was embarassed to take me anyway. Especially to nightclubs or bars, he openly said he was embarassed at going to this places with me. Some people can be shallow.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 A rocky relationship can be caused by unresolved problems where resentment builds. Why don't the two of you write down your unresolved issues and work in a mature way to resolve the major issues? It sounds like he's using your insecurity about your weight, to maliciously push your buttons. Have you been reciprocating this treatment, whether in regards to his pot belly, baldness or something else he's insecure about?
grogster Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 "In a nut shell, my boyfriend says he wont be affectionate or intimate because of my weight." Sex is a great weapon. Use it against him: Date other men. Live by the sword; die by the sword.
FadedSign Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Maybe he's thinking he is somehow "encouraging" you to loose weight by making those remarks. He needs to learn that positive encouragement works much better, the best thing he could do was work out with you. I happen to like my women with a bit of extra meat on them :-) Don't let him get away with making comments like that! The longer you let him get away with it the harder it will be to turn around!!
Recommended Posts