sveltskye Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I dated this guy for a couple months and he dumped me yesterday... I should've taken it slower and I kept insisting about it in the beginning and really thought about whether it was a rebound or not, but he was so gung ho about me being his girlfriend and everything. I feel kind of used, like he was just so eager to have a girlfriend (his first) and then just lost interest in me, and stupid because it feels so pointless to have gone through all this emotional process of catagorizing ourselves as gf/bf only to have it end in a few months. And I had just gotten over being SO incredibly hurt by my first boyfriend. I had really felt like I was going on a limb to date him but I was thinking so much about how it could be a good thing for me and I didn't want to hurt him by rejecting him (haha) and then I ended up really liking him. I don't think I'm gonna date for a long time. I just don't feel like I'm going to be able to trust a guy when they act like they're so over the moon about me. It seems like I always have reservations and then as soon as I'm hooked they lose interest. He said he's attracted to me and has fun with me but doesn't love me and feels like there isn't long term potential. That we aren't the "right for eachother". How come I never understand that term? I just don't understand how there's this magical connection where you're perfectly right for eachother... and how am I ever supposed to know when I've found it? I just don't trust myself to like someone anymore or that someone is truly going to find me worth giving a chance beyond several months. I feel like I should have known better than to get into another relationship in the first place, but I didn't know it was going to end so soon. Oh, and he wanted to be friends. I told him I didn't know if I could. I'll think about that later. Right now I'm just trying to get over this as fast as possible. I'm so tired of being back in this place again.
foxy12 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 :sick:SISTER i am going through the same thing - i just got hurt badddd by my ex last year- then this new guy comes along i didnt want anything to do with him- i finally go out with him and next thing you know hes at my house every nite , im his girlfriend , he hasnt felt like this for someone long time, he wants me to meet his family, i meet his daughter then out of the blue he quits calling me, no explanation i thought he was dead somewhere i finally got ahold of him through a friend by her texing him asking him where he was- he says im agreat girl but he doesnt want a serious relationship blah blah blah HE was the one telling me all this for 3 months and after he knew had badly i had been hurt then bam hes gone - then he calls me month or so later telling me he misses me so we start talking again hes sorry blah blah then i tell him we need to talk because i dont wanna get hurt again guess what he quit calling fell of face earth- so i asked him when i found him why did u call me after a month and tell me u missed me - he said just because i miss u doesnt mean i want a relationship with you!!!and he was with someone else and wanted a relationship with her- i have never ran across a man like this before i thought he was a good man boy was i wrong so good luck to the next man that trys to come in my life because i dont trust anyone either -why do people have to do things like that how can they live with themselves???
Author sveltskye Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Aw I'm sorry that happened to you, Foxy. Isn't it terrible? You warn them that you are hesitant, you've been hurt, but they want you SO bad, and then all of a sudden they just turn it off. Thanks for making my trust issues even worse! I really thought this guy was more emotionally stable and mature than my ex. I thought he was READY for a girlfriend- he was the one that was pushing it so much- but he just turned out to be a dissappointment because he didn't know what he wanted.
SarahT111 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 omg!!! Thats like my exact stroy!!!!! It scares me how close your story is to mine!! I got torn to shreads by my 1st bf who left me for someone else after 2.5 years. Then another guy came into my life. He was really desperate to have a gf aswell. I went out with him for a bit and he was all over me. At first I thought he was kinda strange and that I was doing him a favour going out with him! Then I REALLY fell for him. Of course around this time he starts to become wierd, his behaviour became all hot and cold then sudddenly he leaves me for someone else!! I am shattered!!! Once was hard enough but to be left for someone else twice in 5 months is really shattering! I am so glad you posted this! I really wanted some advice but was afraid people would start to get annoyed with my constant rantings and not reply!! And I am so sorry for your pain I no how bad it hurts!! I think im going to have major trust issues now to! Id love to give you some advice but I really have none as im stuck in the same situation! We can get through it tho Hopefully there are better things just around the corner! Thanks so much for posting this again! You have no idea how much it helped me just to read it! Hope you get some good replies that I can relate to!! keep smiling
Author sveltskye Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I'm really glad that my post actually helped you guys. I thought I'd just get a bunch of people going "2 months? Get over it!!" I just don't think these people realize how much they're toying with other people's hearts when they convince someone to be in a kind of "rebound" relationship (and I only say that in the sense of it being immediately after the end of another one) and then changing their minds in a few months. Its like reopening an old wound and rubbing salt in it to add insult to injury. I'm feeling not too bad now, though I really liked him. I've just been resentful that I could have been the best thing since sliced bread a couple months ago and then suddenly not so interesting once I wasn't so shiny anymore. I told him when he told me that it wasn't working out that it said more about him than me and that I had really thought it through *before* I got into anything. Too bad he didn't do the same for me, but whatever. I'm sorry to hear about your pain Sarah. Isn't it better now though, the second time around? It was a lot better for me. I just don't think I had the energy and I had just been through the process so I could just accept it and move on easier. I am disappointed though, and not eager to give someone such an easy chance next time. They're gonna have to work for it!!
SarahT111 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Hi Sveltskye Thats why I didn't post my story! Because I thought people would be like "2 months? get over it" also! I read how people come out of divorces with kids and money etc involved and I feel stupid complaining out my 2month relationship falling apart! And yes the 2nd time was alot easier, my first love tore my heart to shreads and absolutly ruined me. I didn't think it was possible to ever hurt that much. I think its just a confidence thing for me this time. Getting dumped twice within a short time really crushed me. What hurts most is that both guys left for somone else. Someone better. Feels like im not good enough for anyone and that theres always someone better out there. It scares me that it will alway be like this! That someone will always be better and I wont be albe to hold on to anyone! Glad to hear you are feeling better this time. Hopefully it will only get easier. And thats excellent that your going to make to make you next man work for it. Probably the best way to find a keeper! I wish you the best of luck!
Author sveltskye Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 "And yes the 2nd time was alot easier, my first love tore my heart to shreads and absolutly ruined me. I didn't think it was possible to ever hurt that much." Oh my god I know EXACTLY what you mean. My first boyfriend was actually a lot much less of a catch than my second, but that breakup was absolute torture, and yeah, what you said I didn't think it was possible to hurt that much. But I was so hopeful for the second being better, and I really liked him. I was feeling almost indifferent and good about things earlier today, but the depression has hit now. Its kind of like the first time, but like 100th of the magnitude. And the hardest thing is that I really WANT to be friends with #2, because he was a genuinely nice guy and I think we'd have a good friendship. But I'm afraid its going to just leave me slightly tortured and always hoping that he'll change his mind about us "not being right" for each other. I've gotten that line twice, for each breakup, and it just seems like the kind of thing that makes a lot of sense for the dumper to say but the dumpee can never understand, because we just don't agree with it. I just get so tired of being the girl who will appreciate a guy for their good traits and get content with them, while at the same time they somehow find some mysterious magical traits about me that make me not right for them. I guess I'm a pretty accepting person because I've never felt like anyone I've dated seriously (which, admittedly, is a sample size of 2) couldn't have been a person I could have gotten along with for the rest of my life. And its weird because looking back now, my first ex so didn't have his **** together and was really shallow, but I was content with even his flaws. I don't know if that would have worn off or not, but it would be nice if someone would stick around long enough for me to find out! I've never found myself "unnappreciating" someone at some point in a relationship, even a friendship, unless they were mean to me. Usually people end up growing on me, and that's especially true in relationships. I usually take a long time to warm up to them and accept that they were someone I could be content with, but once I get there I'm there. Unlike the guys I've dated, who somehow think I'm wonderful in the beginning and then become disenchanted. Why is that? I'm the same person I was in the beginning! I feel like I'm gullible for believing them when they tell me I'm so wonderful. I should just be like "yeah, you think so? Well, I know that... will see how you feel about me in the future"
SarahT111 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 haha my first bf was also alot less of a catch than the second one aswell! Although I didn't get to know the second one that well as he was all over the place! But like you said it was torture when we spilt up. How long were your with your first bf for? You sound like such a sweet girl thought, maybe you have just got involved with the wrong guys at the wrong time? Even tho it really hurts you have to look at the good in the situation. For example I didn't think I could EVER have feelings towards someone else after my first bf left. But I did. Even tho my second ex hurt me again he did help me realise that I can have feelings for someone else again and that I can move on with my life. He also helped me in a way to get over my 1st ex. Again I didn't think I would ever get over him, but once I met my second ex his memory and all the massive hurt began to fade and I could honestly say now that I am over him. I didn't really go out with him for a rebound, it was a good 4 months later of touture that I meet him. I was honestly at the point where I wanted to die and didn't want to go on with my life. This guy helped me in a way to realise a few things then get myself back on my feet again. In saying all this tho I know it does hurt, and no one likes being rejected. And especially not left for someone else TWICE. But if I focus just on me and not everyone else involved I learned some very important lessons and got through it and back on my feet eventually. I do fully understand what you say about being the nice girl and getting nothing in return! I feel that way to. I went out of my way to make my exs happy yet they go off with someone else who treats then like crap! It is defiently going to be hard to trust again!!
iwanttolive Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 HA-HA, happened to me too. I was dumped twice last year and i'm about to get dumped again. Now i'm questioning myself, is something wrong with me? Is there something that i can learn to have a successful relationship? Any insights?????????????
ate_the_paint Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Wow! When it rains it pours! Have you learned anything about how you feel each time you get dumped (aside from sh**ty)? For instance, if you feel the pain of rejection equally intensely each time, then maybe there's something there to work on about yourself. It's so hard to NOT get into relationships sometimes, isn't it? I got dumped, when on a few dates, and ended up in a quasi-relationship with a girl who ended up quasi-dumping me!
rawkwell Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I was dumped last night out of the blue and now I'm questioning everything too. I'm sorry for everyone's pain, but it's kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there this stuff is happening to. Here's hoping the next one doesn't dump me because he "can't see himself falling in love with me" but then continue the sentence with "but maybe if we keep hanging out, it'll happen a few months down the line."
lorilynne Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Wow!!! I know I shouldn't feel so reassured by other people's pain but I've been there too & it really helps to know that others have as well. I'm still dealing with the ex that did that to me. We've known eachother for 15 years (since high school) He had a crush on me for 13 years off & on through relationships we both had. I always told him I didn't think we should date because I didn't want to lose our friendship. Two years ago we gave it a go. I was SOOOOO hesitant in the beginning and it frustrated him. We dated for four months before being intimate & calling ourselves a couple all because I was scared of getting hurt. But he wasn't...oh no, he was so sure and so in love!!! Just three months after we decided to be an official couple, he dumps me for the first time! Then it's been a pattern of apologize, get back together, dump, apologize, get back together, dump...etc! Well, I don't what the answer is to this dilemna that men create. They are so compassionate and forthright in the beginning and retreat as fast as possible when we give in! I understand not wanting to date again...I often feel that way myself! Good luck to everyone that has gone through this as well!
Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Hi Svelt- Two months is enough time to start to let your guard down with someone and start to trust him a bit. Your feelings and emotions are your own, and don't ever let anyone make you feel badly about mourning the end of a relationship whether it was for 2 months or 2 years. One thing I have learned in my years of dating is that most men will pursue a woman pretty aggressively in the beginning. I actually think it's a biological thing. Don't make the mistake (as I and lots of other women have done) of thinking that a man's enthusiastic pursuit of you means it's safe for you to start to emotionally invest in him more quickly than you otherwise would. Most relationships settle down a bit once the initial ardor has worn off, but there are some for whom the pursuit and thrill of the chase is everything. Make sure you guard your heart a little. If a man really cares for you, he won't rush you or try to force you to move at his pace. If you sense that a guy is really trying hard to convince you to be with him, it's a potential red flag that some slowing down may be in order.
Author sveltskye Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks to everyone for their comments. I'm glad that so many people are getting comfort over my story and knowing they are not alone. This time is different from the first one, ate-the-paint. The first one the pain was so intense I was *dramatic*- I cried for so long and was just crying out to everyone around me and none of my friends and family knew what to do. I felt like I was dying inside and kept questioning myself and feeling like there was maybe something I could do. I thought about it obsessively thinking somehow we would get back together. This time is bad in a different way. I'm just so completely disillusioned. Its like I had some faith left in this whole process and now I've just given up. I don't even want to try anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to trust that anyone isn't going to just give up on me for some reason that I'll never understand. It wasn't me, I didn't do anything wrong, I just can't comprehend how someone could want someone so bad and then two months later leave them without looking back. I've just never shut off my feelings like that. And the baffling thing is that this guy was *nice*. I thought he would be able to appreciate me, because when I decide to be in a relationship with someone, I choose to appreciate their good points and focus on being happy with them. I know people always say that its not right or wrong it just is that people fall out of love (or infatuation, whatever) and I accept that. I just feel like it is terrible. And I don't feel like dealing with it anymore. I just feel like I'm better off concentrating on being the best person I can be and concentrating on building my strengths and being happy within myself, instead of having someone else have to validate me. I have friends and family that I can count on, I'm really happy with myself, I'm just tired of not being appreciated when I work so hard to appreciate my partner. The sad thing is that I *really* thought about dating him and wanted to protect him from getting hurt as he seemed so vulnerable, having never had anyone date him before. I really took it upon myself to do my best to give him a chance and not hurt him. I'm so tired of looking out for another's feelings and then finding that they weren't trying to protect my feelings in the slightest. It just means that I was unwise for giving so much of myself. I'm just not going to bother for a while. I imagine one of these days I'll feel healed enough to venture out into the dating game again, I just don't think I'll ever be as trusting again. I'm not crying this time. I just don't want to think about it.
foxy12 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 omg thats what was going on with this guy i didnt want anything to do with him then bam hes all i havent been this happy in long time i want you to meet my mom i think im falling in love with you i thought it was going to fast was worried i would hurt his feelings then he dumps me out of nowwhere and didint even call me found out he didnt want a relationship through a text message through my best friend cos he wouldnt answer phone she texted him and was like so have u heard from so and so (ME) and he was like no then proceded to tell her what he didnt have the balls to tell me in person LOSER SAY IT WITH ME they are LOSERS where are the real men at sisters cos i havent met any since my grandpa
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