Rav Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. I've had a moment of clarity and have been able to get down my thoughts on everything that happened in my last, mercurial relationship. Quick synopsis is that I held an idealized image of her and when the puppy-love phase started to fade I started to lash out at her whenever she failed to meet that image until she left. (I know... I'm my own worst critic here...) I just wrote a letter to her explaining what exactly caused me to act the way I did. I told her she didn't deserve any of it and that I'm going to be doing my best to work on myself. I am committed to changing myself and although I have no misgivings of getting back together or even hearing from her again, I still like to think of someday down the road our paths crossing and her seeing that I was sincere (hardly likely since I'll be moving to another state shortly). So... do you think she would rather get the letter as some sort of closure or just to just leave her alone? If I do send it, I feel like I'll get some closure for myself. I also believe I will get no response, regardless of whether or not she reads it and forgives me or just discards it; and this would most likely start to eat away at me and set me back. I may have answered my own question right there, but I'd still like to hear what you all have to say. Thanks.
CaliGuy Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Send the letter if it makes you feel better. But do so expecting not a single word of reply from her. Do it to make yourself feel better, do not do it to get a reaction out of her.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Send it without expectations... you will only feel worse if you have expectations of the result. The result should be that you feel good letting your ex know you have grown and taken something good from it all. I think the email a mature response; assuming your intent is only to gain understanding and share it.
Meaplus3 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. I've had a moment of clarity and have been able to get down my thoughts on everything that happened in my last, mercurial relationship. Quick synopsis is that I held an idealized image of her and when the puppy-love phase started to fade I started to lash out at her whenever she failed to meet that image until she left. (I know... I'm my own worst critic here...) I just wrote a letter to her explaining what exactly caused me to act the way I did. I told her she didn't deserve any of it and that I'm going to be doing my best to work on myself. I am committed to changing myself and although I have no misgivings of getting back together or even hearing from her again, I still like to think of someday down the road our paths crossing and her seeing that I was sincere (hardly likely since I'll be moving to another state shortly). So... do you think she would rather get the letter as some sort of closure or just to just leave her alone? If I do send it, I feel like I'll get some closure for myself. I also believe I will get no response, regardless of whether or not she reads it and forgives me or just discards it; and this would most likely start to eat away at me and set me back. I may have answered my own question right there, but I'd still like to hear what you all have to say. Thanks. I think you should send it as long as you can cope with the possibility of no reponse. Perhaps this message will give you the closure you need to move forward. Best of luck. AP:)
kizik Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 He can't cope with that. "I also believe I will get no response, regardless of whether or not she reads it and forgives me or just discards it; and this would most likely start to eat away at me and set me back." I understand you have things to say, but it's going to hurt a lot when she ignores you. She is probably deeply hurt by your previous actions, and not responding is one way she will "get back" at you. Save your draft and send it in a month or two, if you have to.
northstar1 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Send the letter if it makes you feel better. But do so expecting not a single word of reply from her. Do it to make yourself feel better, do not do it to get a reaction out of her. Dead on. If you can send it and not agonize/wait for a reply - then do it. But most of us who have sent those emails, have had some expectation of what will come back and 99 % of the time, it's not what we want to hear.
v33 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Send it but be aware that you likely may feel differently than you expect if she doesn't respond.... it may give you closure or it may make you hurt. I'd think about it for a couple days.
FauxVowel Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 My final e-mail was to her new boyfriend, not to her. heh
Peter_pan Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 strange Y. yeah i was in the same sort of position as you, i wrote her letters untill she told me no letter or email will change her mind. and she is with the new twat. anyway, save yourself and dont bother man. you dont need that **** or send it if you like and prepare for your heart to get beaten again and again and again
Author Rav Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Thanks for your replies all. I'm going to go with the overwhelming advice and not send it. It felt good to write it out but nothing good can come from sending it. It's really hard not to be reminded of her all the time here but I only have to make it two more months before I move to another town. ps triple Y I've lived vicariously through you with all the posts you've made. It's good to see you chilling out these days though
LikeCharlotte Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 If I were her I'd like to hear the "she didn't deserve any of it part". But your choice...
Peter_pan Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 reading it again actually you may have a point. forgiveness will help you move on, by forgiving yourself you will find it easier to not have it holding on to your memory. i wouldn't however let her know how much you have changed. in her mind it will just let her know that she was right for leaving, you are justifying to her that she is right and you DONT want that. as you say, it dosnt matter since you are moving state
Luz Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I believe in closure letter or conversation and it doesn't have to happen immediately . I think we need to spent sometime and enough time to do some real self-reflections , to get over the emtional roller coaster , to get ourselves fully prepare to accept that it is over . And that composing and sending this letter is a form of self healing , a sign of maturity to acknowledge our mistakes, contributions to the demise of the relationship , to give this person the recognition of his/her impact on us . The hardest thing of course, is how to truly accept that we might not hear from them and that's still ok. No expectations . I've been thinking about writing one myself and at this point I do not know if I would ever send it or at any particular time . In my current situation, we have been dating for only 4 months but he did make an impact on me . Though I do not appreciate the silent ,disappearing act he's taking right now . This closure letter will not about begging , trying to win him back but about being a loving , mature person . Perhaps , he will also learn his final lesson from me that's how to behave and conduct himself better in handling relationship issues, breaking up with kindness , maturity .
Author Rav Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Charlotte and peter_pan: The problem is that I can ask her for forgiveness right now but I truly don't feel like it was entirely my fault. She has never expressed any regret even though she had been hiding parts of her life from me that were real shady. We honestly just weren't right for each other. Luz: I agree that someday down the line when the emotions have settled down is the time to take stock of it all and see what we've learned. I know the feeling of wanting to teach someone how to go about things as a decent person but that feeling shows I'm still not over things. Writing these e-mails has helped me put things into perspective. But stay strong and don't send it. The best thing is to boot him on out of your mind (easy, right?) and get back on your feet. Someday down the road you'll be able to think back on it and be proud of yourself for walking away
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