Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Uhm, no SG. I never said that. Jumping to conclusions again. And thanks again TBF. It's ok. Look, let's not fight. We're here to try to help LB. Ok, LB. As you may or may not know I'm married for 13 years. This is the way I'd approach it. "Honey, that sounds like it will be a fun time for you and your friends. I'll be happy to give you your space. And while I support you bonding with your buddies, I don't agree with your asking me to leave our apartment for the weekend. I'd never ask you to do that. I'll be happy to leave for the evening but I'll be back. And I expect your friends to conduct themselves like gentlemen when they're in someone else's house." That's it. I have more to say about the fact that he is even doing this to begin with, but I'll shut up on that for now.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 anyway. i like Touche. but the truth is that you two are too quick to label. you guys almost never give anyone or the situation the benefit of a doubt. what is that called? It's called having advice and being willing to try to help people who roll over in every situation. Know anyone like that? I see her right now.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Yes, he suggested she find someplace else to stay, but whether she does or not, his friends are coming over to take the place over whether she likes it or not. He didn't ask her if they could all come over, he assumed he could do what he wants. And the suggestion that she leave was more than likely wishful thinking....either way, they are all staying there whether she likes it or not. Yeah I guess that's the part I'm upset about it. He just didn't really consult me just told me the weekend they were coming and that they were staying at our apartment. I do need to talk with him and tell him that in the future I would appreciate him consulting me before inviting 7 guys to our apartment and asking if that would be okay. And that I will give him the same consideration if I want to have girlfriends over. (which that may happen for like a birthday party or bachelorette party or something).
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I'm confused too, believe me. I left things so that I was going to come back sporadically throughout the weekend. Actually I think it would be disrespectful for his friends to trash our apartment and my bf not make an effort to clean up after his nasty friends. He is a clean freak so I have no clue how he could leave our apt looking like that. They come home at 2 a.m. They're drunk. They continue drinking. They pass out around 3:30 a.m. You come back at 11 to get ready for a party. One dude is sleeping next to the porcelian god, so you're unable to pee or shower. There's puke in the sink, and Jack in the Box wrappers and half eaten food all over the kitchen. This is what you have to look forward to if you return prior to the dudes leaving and your BF cleaning up.
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I just don't see this as disrespectful. So what would you do if your SO invited 7 guys over without consulting you and giving you no choice in the matter and you weren't too fond of the idea? Would you see that as the utmost repsect?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Bish, is there a reason why you're only singling out my responses? This thread has gone on for quite a while. How's about you get up to speed before isolating only my responses, okay? LB's said a LOT in between...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 They come home at 2 a.m. They're drunk. They continue drinking. They pass out around 3:30 a.m. You come back at 11 to get ready for a party. One dude is sleeping next to the porcelian god, so you're unable to pee or shower. There's puke in the sink, and Jack in the Box wrappers and half eaten food all over the kitchen. This is what you have to look forward to if you return prior to the dudes leaving and your BF cleaning up. That would be very gross. For some reason I just dont' see that happening though, I mean he has had a few friends over before at his old apartment (I was just staying there, didn't live there) and they didn't really trash the place. I guess 7 guys is a little different but my bf is such an anal neat freak that I can't imagine him letting our apt get like that.
shadowplay Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 e.clipse, I've never been anything but supportive of you. Touche has put herself out greatly in supporting you through crisis moments. Unbelievable.... Doesn't mean she hasn't seen you be bitchy to others. I can't speak for Touche as I haven't interacted with her much or seen her be nasty to another member.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 They come home at 2 a.m. They're drunk. They continue drinking. They pass out around 3:30 a.m. You come back at 11 to get ready for a party. One dude is sleeping next to the porcelian god, so you're unable to pee or shower. There's puke in the sink, and Jack in the Box wrappers and half eaten food all over the kitchen. This is what you have to look forward to if you return prior to the dudes leaving and your BF cleaning up. And LB should accept this state of affairs...why? There's no good reason for it. He's not a "bachelor" anymore. It shows lack of respect and little class.
e.clipse Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 whatever, TBF. i'm an ingrate, blah blah blah. you win. happy? Yes, he suggested she find someplace else to stay, but whether she does or not, his friends are coming over to take the place over whether she likes it or not. He didn't ask her if they could all come over, he assumed he could do what he wants. And the suggestion that she leave was more than likely wishful thinking....either way, they are all staying there whether she likes it or not. yes, he should have discussed this with her more, certainly. but the way Laurie puts it, it just kind of dawned on all of them to suddenly have the party at their new place, which is fine, i think, but the way that conclusion was reached was off-base. however, i don't think he did it to hurt her or any similar variant. it seems like bad communication on his part, if anything. Laurie can stay if she wishes, but he can have people over if he wishes. also, just because you are staying elsewhere for the weekend (if that is what you end up doing), it doesn't mean you are banned from your home. i personally wouldn't try to find excuses to be dropping in, but if you want to go home to change for the graduation, you have every right. if he is at lunch or not, that is not your problem. it's nice that you told him aforehand, but, really, you can drop in to pick something up or whatever whenever you so please, and he has absolutely no right to be upset or be giving you dumb answers like, "Oh...well...we'll try to be out then..." that is just irrelevant.
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Uh, actually, yes I do. I threw a Bachelorette Party once for a friend when I lived with my BF. I didn't have to ask him to leave, he just did. If I had actually had to say to him, "Hun, there are going to be 15 girls here this weekend, you know this, for a very important bonding weekend. Girls only. Do you know what that means?" I would have been a little irked if he stubbornly refused to give us our girly time. He would have lost karma credits with me. You all can have your girly time. Your SO doesn't have to be kicked out of his own place for you to do it. If a SO of mine decided to have a couple of her friends over for something like what you were doing, I can make myself scarce. Go out and have a beer with the guys, come home and sleep in the basement on the couch. I can stay out of the way very well. But for that many people to come over and basically say, "I have all these friends coming over, you'll need to find someplace else to stay" would mean to me that your karma credits would profoundly be depleted. Its one thing to ask someone to be scarce, its another to kick them out of their own place.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 And LB should accept this state of affairs...why? There's no good reason for it. He's not a "bachelor" anymore. It shows lack of respect and little class. Yeah I mean I know my bf. He freaks out if I leave a cup on the coffee table (even if it is on a coaster!) I just have a hard time believing that he would let his friends do that to our apartment.
Walk Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If I were in your shoes, the absolute ONLY way I would feel okay with being pushed out of my home for a weekend would be if my SO gave up something huge for me in the future. I'm not even sure what that would be.... To me, my home is my refuge. Its the only place in the world I can lock out all the stresses, problems and issues of the outside world. I can't imagine not being allowed to use that refuge for a couple days or full weekend. Its on par with someone telling me I have to sleep in my car for the full weekend because they want to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't get over the resentment that would create. Not unless I knew that what I was giving up (which I consider HUGE) would be returned in full, or even greater, in the very near future. Otherwise, it'd break my relationship completely. My advice... since this seems a done deal, and your stuck with moving out for a few days... figure out what you feel would be an equal effort from him, and then let him know you expect it from him if he is going to expect it from you. I don't know if that's the best advice to give... but I would absolutely blow my top over this. It wouldn't be a matter of merely being upset, I would destroy the relationship rather then live with someone who will shove me from the only refuge I have from the world. And I wouldnt' comprimise or "discuss" the issue past telling my SO he was wrong, and he needs to fix it pronto. This issue would be my deal breaker for the relationship. No if's, and's, or butt's. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I sincerely hope the both of you can come to a mutually satisfying resolution. I really hope he understands and appreciates the sacrifice he's asked from you, and is willing to repay that with extra.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Yeah I guess that's the part I'm upset about it. He just didn't really consult me just told me the weekend they were coming and that they were staying at our apartment. I do need to talk with him and tell him that in the future I would appreciate him consulting me before inviting 7 guys to our apartment and asking if that would be okay. And that I will give him the same consideration if I want to have girlfriends over. (which that may happen for like a birthday party or bachelorette party or something). Exactly. AND...you wouldn't keep trying to push him to leave.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Bish, again. Why are you so focused only on my comments?
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Doesn't mean she hasn't seen you be bitchy to others. I can't speak for Touche as I haven't interacted with her much or seen her be nasty to another member. TBF is never bitchy. Some may not like her (or my) no-nonsense advice. That's ok. Some actually understand it and respect it. For those who don't appreciate that kind of approach, they can just dismiss what we have to say. No problem, right? whatever, TBF. i'm an ingrate, blah blah blah. you win. happy?
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 whatever, TBF. i'm an ingrate, blah blah blah. you win. happy? No. I'm not happy with any of your behaviour. If anything, it goes to reinforce why you have no coping tools in real life and fold whenever things get tough. Start making some healthy decisions in your life and maybe then, you'll stop resenting others who have.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 LB, maybe your BF is actually a closet slob who doesn't want you to see his true colors...? Probably not possible..remember the thread last year about him giving me a dirty look and running upstairs when I spilled coke all over his shirt? I think he would FLIP OUT if our apartment was covered with puke and clothes.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Actually, and only LB can correct me if I'm wrong, but it does seem to be the case. He didn't ASK her if he could have his friends over. I think he is going to have them over no matter what she thinks and whether or not she leaves the apartment or not. Sometimes people are faced with situations where someone's not going to get their way. Friends come over = LB's upset. Friends don't come over = BF is upset. Question is, how can we find a way so that no one is upset?
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You've BOTH supported me at times, this is true. But you've also been equal cruel towards me. Don't start with me Star. It could get real ugly this time after your stalking behavour.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 how guy-friends whipped is your bf exactly??? I think he's 26??? Typical.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Yeah I mean I know my bf. He freaks out if I leave a cup on the coffee table (even if it is on a coaster!) I just have a hard time believing that he would let his friends do that to our apartment. Yes, so just talk to him LB. This doesn't have to get ugly. I had a similar situation early in our marriage. But I don't want to make this about me so I won't get into it. But we resolved it just by talking about it and compromising. Shadow, ok. SG and Eclipse, please let's not fight ok? I respect your points of view. We're not always going to disagree. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that you guys are. We just approach things differently sometimes. Maybe you two DO give people more chances. But let's see how you are when you reach MY age (almost 47) and you're tired of being burned? Does that make me jaded? Or does that make me experienced and just a tad wiser? You decide.
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I think everyone is right who is saying that we should reach some sort of compromise. Ok, what would the compromise be? You leave the house and let him have what he wants. That is YOU compromising yourself. So what are you getting out of the deal? Oh ya, the chance to remove yourself from the apartment so you don't get upset with what they are doing. Sorry, I don't see the compromise here. Maybe you can tell him, "ok, I'll leave my own apartment so you can have your little fun.....but you are gonna give me a 3 hour massage when I get back on Sunday."
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 It sounds like you need to get more details of how he see the weekend unfolding. You seem to have reached an idea of what you can offer (stay elsewhere all weekend, which I think is beyond generous, and the right to come in during the day to have access to your things). I'm wondering a lot of things though: Is the plan a whole weekend of party (ie does he really think it would be 'best' if you were gone both days?)? Since you aren't a neat-freak, why would it matter whether or not the guys are there when you go in to get ready for graduation?? how guy-friends whipped is your bf exactly??? I think the weekend is Friday night they are going to get trashed, Saturday afternoon they will sleep in then go get lunch of something. Then start drinking at like 5 or 6 and call a cab to go downtown to go to bars. As far as the neat freak stuff goes, I mean if there are clothes on the couch or bags on the floor I don't care. If there is some stuff in the bathroom its not a big deal either, I draw the line at like underwear or puke in the bathroom. (my boyfriend would NEVER let that happen though, even from his friends).
Walk Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 LB, what does your gut tell you? Look at the responses you're getting and consider the source. Those of us telling you that you're asking for trouble by giving in to his "suggestion" are strong women and men who are never kicked around. Many of us have the life that we want now. And some will soon. Those who are telling you to leave are confused. If they want to be in a relationship, they can't seem to hold on to one. They pick the wrong people. They get beaten down time and time again. They're victims. I completely agree with this.
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