Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Knowing when to take a stance will nip future problems in the bud. Her b/f needs to start thinking relationship before himself.
Kamille Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Knowing when to take a stance will nip future problems in the bud. Her b/f needs to start thinking relationship before himself. Here is what I would do: Gracefully commit to spending the whole weekend at my parents and not hold it out against him or as a 'you owe me one' kind of thing (and Laurie, I hear you about that being a sacrifice, mine drive me nuts within 15 minutes!). Then I would "suggest" that from now on, any plans that involve the appartment be discussed together as a couple prior to making engagements with other friends.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Here is what I would do: Gracefully commit to spending the whole weekend at my parents and not hold it out against him or as a 'you owe me one' kind of thing (and Laurie, I hear you about that being a sacrifice, mine drive me nuts within 15 minutes!). Then I would "suggest" that from now on, any plans that involve the appartment be discussed together as a couple prior to making engagements with other friends. I agree that's probably the best course of action.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Knowing when to take a stance will nip future problems in the bud. Her b/f needs to start thinking relationship before himself. I completely agree. But doesn't she also have to put the relationship before her convenience?
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Here is what I would do: Gracefully commit to spending the whole weekend at my parents and not hold it out against him or as a 'you owe me one' kind of thing (and Laurie, I hear you about that being a sacrifice, mine drive me nuts within 15 minutes!). Then I would "suggest" that from now on, any plans that involve the appartment be discussed together as a couple prior to making engagements with other friends. Where I would have a discussion with him, ensuring that he fully understood how disrespectful he was being by suggesting that she leave her own home and also, committing to plans that weren't seriously discussed in advance. The two can then proceed with whatever works for both of them.
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 My gut is saying I want to give him his space. My head is thinking that this may be rude on his part I vote to go with your own gut -- good Intuition is a terrible thing to waste . Your b/f was naive in how he planned all of this, but I can't see where he was acting maliciously or from bad faith. I see it more as him trying to be considerate than wanting to be 'rude'. He missed the 'considerate' mark by a rather long way but, hey, he's still learning...as are you, too. Call it a 'relationship lesson' -- it can help both of you get a clearer picture of the consideration needed in a live-in situation; set better boundaries around how your space is shared and how decisions are made that affect the other. You can either feel like you're "sucking it up and/or giving in", or you can feel like you're taking the high road with the intention of having an even better relationship in the future. If it's impossible for you to get a hotel for the weekend --during which you will pamper yourself silly, regardless-- then, yeah, looks like mom & dad will have to do. Making the best of a bad situation is the mature thing to do, no matter what lies above and below the rest of the garbage.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I completely agree. But doesn't she also have to put the relationship before her convenience? Where we differ is that it's her home too and she has every right to take a stance. He cannot make her or should even suggest that she leave "for her own good". That's b/s.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I should also illustrate that she in no way has vetoed this weekend. He's the one making all the demands, where she's been shuffled to one side.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Huh? WTF did you get THAT idea? That's really effing insulting. I make that decision every single day that a guy who's not good enough isn't in my life. You've stated before that being single is not your preference. But it's irrelevant. You didn't see my point and you're not going to. YOU ASKED why my relationship ended (the healthiest one I've ever had...the one where I GAVE HIM his space on occasion, and he did the same in return). Well then those obstacles shouldn't have stood in the way. Are you reading her posts, or just arguing with me? She's stated several times now how she intends to compromise on this. Actually it was YOU who took issue, and made personal, something that I stated that wasn't even directed at you. Like she's said before, and I've repeated for you... This would NOT be a problem for LB if her best friend still lived here. She'd happily stay with her and give him the space to spend time with his friends. SOOOOOOO....why is this a problem? Why not ask LB that? She's obviously still having an internal conflict about this? Didn't you read her posts in this thread? Please go back and don't skip over the pertinent parts this time.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I should also illustrate that she in no way has vetoed this weekend. He's the one making all the demands, where she's been shuffled to one side. Oh but she'll probably leave. I love LB. She seems like a sweet girl but she's a bit of a doormat. What's funny is that SG is a self-admitted "goddess-in-training." So it's like the blind leading the blind here.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Oh but she'll probably leave. I love LB. She seems like a sweet girl but she's a bit of a doormat. What's funny is that SG is a self-admitted "goddess-in-training." So it's like the blind leading the blind here. I think sometimes people, including myself, can sometimes get too wrapped up in rolling over because we care too much about making peace or making it work. You have to learn to let the little things slide and take a stance with the things that are meaningful.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I think sometimes people, including myself, can sometimes get too wrapped up in rolling over because we care too much about making peace or making it work. You have to learn to let the little things slide and take a stance with the things that are meaningful. Bingo. Thank you. And having your SO ask you to leave your home doesn't come under the heading of "trivial" matters in my book. Some people can't see the big picture. I've always believed in "picking your battles." This is NOT a trivial matter in my book. It speaks to respect and boundaries. I'd be telling LB the same thing if she came on here asking whether it's ok to ask or "suggest" that her b/f leave if she was having her g/f's over. It's ridiculous. I swear I'm shocked that people who are even just roommates would do this. I've been a roommate/had roommates and wouldn't think of being that discourteous. And thank goodness I didn't have any that were that rude and inconsiderate towards me.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I swear I'm shocked that people who are even just roommates would do this. I've been a roommate/had roommates and wouldn't think of being that discourteous. And thank goodness I didn't have any that were that rude and inconsiderate towards me. They're not "just roommates." They're in a committed romantic relationship. Had to get another little dig in, though, didn't you, Touche?
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 They're not "just roommates." They're in a committed romantic relationship. Had to get another little dig in, though, didn't you, Touche? You obviously missed the point. My point was that even ROOMMATES normally treat each other better than this. Get it now? No dig. Not sure where you're getting that from. I've always supported LB just as I am now. I want what's best for her. Try not to make this get personal ok? You do know what happens when you do.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Bingo. Thank you. And having your SO ask you to leave your home doesn't come under the heading of "trivial" matters in my book. Some people can't see the big picture. I've always believed in "picking your battles." This is NOT a trivial matter in my book. It speaks to respect and boundaries. I'd be telling LB the same thing if she came on here asking whether it's ok to ask or "suggest" that her b/f leave if she was having her g/f's over. It's ridiculous. I swear I'm shocked that people who are even just roommates would do this. I've been a roommate/had roommates and wouldn't think of being that discourteous. And thank goodness I didn't have any that were that rude and inconsiderate towards me. You and I see eye-to-eye on this so no thanks are required. One more idea. Your b/f is very fiscal minded. If you want to play hardball, suggest he pay for a luxury spa/hotel weekend for you so he understands the trade-off. Okay, okay, don't do that. It was just kind of fun to suggest!
e.clipse Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Laurie, i honestly don't think he is "kicking you out," as some other posters have suggested. i think he suggested you stay at another place for that weekend because he wants to spend time alone with his friends without having to worry whether they are being too loud, too noisy, too whatever; in other words, he wants to have fun with them without being worried about upsetting you. if he really didn't give a ****, he would just inform you of the party and bring everyone over. then, if you stayed there and got upset, he wouldn't care. but this isn't the case, now is it? you yourself said that this isn't an often occurrence, so i really don't see the problem. he is not kicking you out. he never told you you had to leave. that is not true. he suggested you stay elsewhere for your and his comfort. it really, really is the best thing to do. i'm surprised some people are suggesting you cancel his entire plan.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 OH hey I'm with ya on that. LB can do totally better than this guy.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I think sometimes people, including myself, can sometimes get too wrapped up in rolling over because we care too much about making peace or making it work. You have to learn to let the little things slide and take a stance with the things that are meaningful. I don't think it's so much that I am a doormat, but like TBF said, it is usually because I am willing to let things go and not been stubborn. If my bf and I were always stubborn and never willing to compromise I seriously doubt either of us could live together. I mean sometimes my boyfriend lets little things slide, sometimes I do, sometimes we both do. It works for us. Lets not argue to much guys, I don't want this thread to get off topic or close. Anyway, I do agree that it was a little rude that my bf just kind of picked a weekend for his friends to come and told me about it, then suggested I leave. It would have been nice if he would have consulted me prior to this and see if I did have any plans or friends I could hang out with that weekend. I think that would have gone over a lot better.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 What's funny is that SG is a self-admitted "goddess-in-training." So it's like the blind leading the blind here. Excuse me, but you're conveniently forgetting that I made this suggestion based on my HEALTHIEST relationship ever, before there was any semblance of a doormat, when I was, in fact, a raging controlling, you-can't-walk-on-me b*tch. I'd rather still be "in training" than be so jaded.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 You and I see eye-to-eye on this so no thanks are required. One more idea. Your b/f is very fiscal minded. If you want to play hardball, suggest he pay for a luxury spa/hotel weekend for you so he understands the trade-off. Okay, okay, don't do that. It was just kind of fun to suggest! LOL, my dad did suggest that there is a weekend where I get to do things I want to do. Not even with him, but maybe him compromising so I can watch Mister Ed or Cheers dvds (both of which he despises). Then he can see that we both can do nice things and comporomise for each other.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I don't think it's so much that I am a doormat, but like TBF said, it is usually because I am willing to let things go and not been stubborn. If my bf and I were always stubborn and never willing to compromise I seriously doubt either of us could live together. I mean sometimes my boyfriend lets little things slide, sometimes I do, sometimes we both do. It works for us. Lets not argue to much guys, I don't want this thread to get off topic or close. Anyway, I do agree that it was a little rude that my bf just kind of picked a weekend for his friends to come and told me about it, then suggested I leave. It would have been nice if he would have consulted me prior to this and see if I did have any plans or friends I could hang out with that weekend. I think that would have gone over a lot better. Then talk to him so he understands that you won't put up with disrespectful behaviour. Let's see what kind of compromise he can and will put on the table too. The two of you are adults and have proven you're capable of coming to a satisfactory agreement. Don't roll over by letting it slide.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Who suggested she cancel the "entire plan." Speaking for myself, I'm just suggesting that she not leave for the entire night. Also, TBF I was just saying "thanks" because you so succinctly stated what I had in mind and didn't convey quite as well as you did. Look, all the other nonsense aside LB, you can leave if you think that's what you should do. It probably won't be the end of the world but I do think the dynamic of the relationship will shift. You're setting a precedent that will be difficult if not impossible to change later. I don't know where the idea came up that some of us who are suggesting you not leave for the night, have never been in your shoes. Hogwash. I've made no bones about the fact that I used to be a doormat. We goddesses who were once doormats are worse than ex-smokers. Know what I mean?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I vote to go with your own gut -- good Intuition is a terrible thing to waste . Your b/f was naive in how he planned all of this, but I can't see where he was acting maliciously or from bad faith. I see it more as him trying to be considerate than wanting to be 'rude'. He missed the 'considerate' mark by a rather long way but, hey, he's still learning...as are you, too. Call it a 'relationship lesson' -- it can help both of you get a clearer picture of the consideration needed in a live-in situation; set better boundaries around how your space is shared and how decisions are made that affect the other. You can either feel like you're "sucking it up and/or giving in", or you can feel like you're taking the high road with the intention of having an even better relationship in the future. I really couldn't have said it any better.
e.clipse Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Look at the responses you're getting and consider the source. Those of us telling you that you're asking for trouble by giving in to his "suggestion" are strong women and men who are never kicked around. Many of us have the life that we want now. And some will soon. Those who are telling you to leave are confused. If they want to be in a relationship, they can't seem to hold on to one. They pick the wrong people. They get beaten down time and time again. They're victims. I don't want to be bashed for this. I'm not saying it to hurt anyone. I'm just asking LB to consider the source of the advice given. It might clear the confusion up. :rolleyes: how did i know you were going to say this? what sources? why are you indirectly bashing people? and what strong women? you and TBF? sorry to be blunt, but you two act like some really big bitches some times. no, thanks.
shadowplay Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You obviously missed the point. My point was that even ROOMMATES normally treat each other better than this. Get it now? No dig. Not sure where you're getting that from. I've always supported LB just as I am now. I want what's best for her. Try not to make this get personal ok? You do know what happens when you do. I think people often feel they can get away with things with their SO they'd never try with their friends or even acquaintances. This lack of boundaries and respect may be why so many relationships fail.
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