Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If my best friend hadn't just moved to California I'd spend the weekend at her apartment. Exactly. You don't want to leave the apartment NOT because your BF is some ape or because it's disrespectful, but because it's an inconvenience to you. Like you said, LB: A relationship is about compromise... I think your BF's suggestion was perfectly reasonable, and fair.
Art_Critic Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Uh, actually, yes I do. I threw a Bachelorette Party once for a friend when I lived with my BF. I didn't have to ask him to leave, he just did. If I had actually had to say to him, "Hun, there are going to be 15 girls here this weekend, you know this, for a very important bonding weekend. Girls only. Do you know what that means?" I would have been a little irked if he stubbornly refused to give us our girly time. He would have lost karma credits with me. I do see where you are coming from SG.. I'm glad you could do that in a committed live type of relationship... I couldn't.. There has to be a baseline of respect for the other person's wishes in any relationship I'm in.. I ask my wife her input about things.. I never tell her...
Lyssa Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If my best friend hadn't just moved to California I'd spend the weekend at her apartment. If you're totally okay with him having his friends over, there's always your parents place. It may be hard for you but it's just for the weekend.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 LB, what does your gut tell you? Also, I don't know how to really say this without offending anyone but at the risk of offending someone, I will say it anyway. Look at the responses you're getting and consider the source. Those of us telling you that you're asking for trouble by giving in to his "suggestion" are strong women and men who are never kicked around. Many of us have the life that we want now. And some will soon. Those who are telling you to leave are confused. If they want to be in a relationship, they can't seem to hold on to one. They pick the wrong people. They get beaten down time and time again. They're victims. I don't want to be bashed for this. I'm not saying it to hurt anyone. I'm just asking LB to consider the source of the advice given. It might clear the confusion up.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Touche, I'd be careful about that generalization. First, several of the posters who are against this have had equal troubles "holding on to a relationship." Secondly, the relationship I was in where I did as I said I have done in this thread was by far the most healthy, secure, stable, wonderful, loving relationship I've ever had. It was the LAST relationship I've ever had like that.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I ask my wife her input about things.. I never tell her... IMO, that's the difference between a relationship and MARRIAGE. I don't think LB can expect the level of partnership found in a marriage in a brand-new cohabitation. Nor can anyone.
blind_otter Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I do see where you are coming from SG.. I'm glad you could do that in a committed live type of relationship... I couldn't.. There has to be a baseline of respect for the other person's wishes in any relationship I'm in.. I ask my wife her input about things.. I never tell her... Word, AC! I don't see a double standard at all. If I were to kick my S/O out so I could party for the weekend, I would be a bitch. If he were to attempt to kick me out (I say attempt because it would never happen in a million years) to party with his friends, then he would be a jerk. Period. Sounds pretty equal to me. I have pretty strict standards about my living space, though. Even when I had roommates I was like this. My home is my place that I go to to destress, to relax. It's my home, my sanctuary. I will not allow that space to be violated by anyone.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Just go spend the weekend with your parents. I know you say it would 'drive you crazy' but my mom died when I was 26 of cancer and there isn't anything I wouldn't pay to be able to spend the weekend with her. They'll appreciate it and you might, too. Please consider this.
Lyssa Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Will they be partying both Friday and Saturday? If not, and if you think you can put up with sharing space with seven guys, I don't see why you should be out of the appartment on whatever night they won't be getting foolishly drunk. But I'm still as confused as you are about all this. One night sleeping elsewhere doesn't sound like much. A whole weekend of limited access to your own place? well, that wouldn't really jive with me. Well, one that she could do is go out and have a nice dinner then a movie with a few friends. After that, go home and sleep. I mean don't drunk people usually end up sleeping all over? I don't drink so I wouldn't really know. I think one of the posts said she doesn't have to be away the whole weekend.
blind_otter Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 IMO, that's the difference between a relationship and MARRIAGE. I don't think LB can expect the level of partnership found in a marriage in a brand-new cohabitation. Nor can anyone. Huh. I totally expect it, from someone I am living with. Of course I've been married before, and IME marriage doesn't magically make a relationship any different.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Touche, I'd be careful about that generalization. First, several of the posters who are against this have had equal troubles "holding on to a relationship." Secondly, the relationship I was in where I did as I said I have done in this thread was by far the most healthy, secure, stable, wonderful, loving relationship I've ever had. It was the LAST relationship I've ever had like that. No. I stand behind what I said. This has nothing to do with "holding on to a relationship" necessarily. I said that some of those who are against this are HAPPY with their lives and have gotten what they want...whether that's having a relationship now or not. See what I'm saying now? No offense, but if it was so good why aren't you still together? I think you missed my whole point. And my comment wasn't directed at you, SG. Try not to take it personally. I'm here to help with LB's confusion. That's what we're supposed to be on this thread for. I stated my opinion and I stand behind it.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 LB, what does your gut tell you? Also, I don't know how to really say this without offending anyone but at the risk of offending someone, I will say it anyway. Look at the responses you're getting and consider the source. Those of us telling you that you're asking for trouble by giving in to his "suggestion" are strong women and men who are never kicked around. Many of us have the life that we want now. And some will soon. Those who are telling you to leave are confused. If they want to be in a relationship, they can't seem to hold on to one. They pick the wrong people. They get beaten down time and time again. They're victims. I don't want to be bashed for this. I'm not saying it to hurt anyone. I'm just asking LB to consider the source of the advice given. It might clear the confusion up. You're also suggesting that those of us who have been-there-done-that in ruining relationships with "shrew-like" behavior aren't qualified to warn LB against making the same mistakes. While you and others might claim yourself to be strong women who are never beaten around, you're also the first to label others as bad people (abusers, controlling, etc.). You don't give anyone a chance.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Huh. I totally expect it, from someone I am living with. Of course I've been married before, and IME marriage doesn't magically make a relationship any different. I was JUST going to post that. I completely agree. Why the different expectations?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 No. I stand behind what I said. This has nothing to do with "holding on to a relationship" necessarily. I said that some of those who are against this are HAPPY with their lives and have gotten what they want...whether that's having a relationship now or not. See what I'm saying now? Who says I'm not happy? I'm perfectly happy, even without a relationship. There are equal numbers of happy people both for and against this. No offense, but if it was so good why aren't you still together? 400 miles and law school. We grew apart. I think you missed my whole point. And my comment wasn't directed at you, SG. Try not to take it personally. Didn't you say "look at the source"? Well, I was the source. Give me a little credit, T. Your dig was patently obvious. I'm smarter than you make me out to be.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Of course I've been married before, and IME marriage doesn't magically make a relationship any different. If that's the case, then why aren't you married? Why isn't LB? Why isn't T still just living with her H, as opposed to married to him?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 My gut is saying I want to give him his space. My head is thinking that this may be rude on his part to suggest that I leave when it IS my apartment. I know my boyfriend is NOT a complete ******* or jerk, we actually get along great AND LOVE LIVING TOGETHER.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Laurie, I think you need to take a stance on this, in that he needs to understand his disrespectful behaviour (putting self-interest first and foremost before the relationship). If you recall, he also had issues with what he considered your disrespectful behaviour with money issues and the two of you talked it out.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You're also suggesting that those of us who have been-there-done-that in ruining relationships with "shrew-like" behavior aren't qualified to warn LB against making the same mistakes. While you and others might claim yourself to be strong women who are never beaten around, you're also the first to label others as bad people (abusers, controlling, etc.). You don't give anyone a chance. Sorry, but I wouldn't label it "shrew-like" behavior to expect my SO not to suggest I leave when he has his friends over. I have given people chances when I was dating. I don't get your point. I mean how many "chances" do you have to give someone to prove themselves to you? It's a waste of time. I know from experience that you pretty much know what you have within a few short weeks. That's if you're very attentive.
blind_otter Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If that's the case, then why aren't you married? Why isn't LB? Why isn't T still just living with her H, as opposed to married to him? Why aren't I married? I thought I had stated this all over the place on LS several times. I don't believe in marriage anymore. I don't believe it confers anything magical or special to a relationship, I think it's nothing more than a legally binding contract. If I one day decide to marry, it will be to make my S/O happy - it does absolutely nothing for me. As for LB or T, I have no idea about their beliefs regarding marriage.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 LOOK, LB has already said that IF she had a girlfriend's place to go to, that she would just go over there, no problem, and a thread about this wouldn't even have been started. This is not about the quality of her relationship or her BF being controlling and calling the shots and making the rules. This is about LB not wanting to be inconvenienced. I get that. I wouldn't want to be inconvenienced either. But seeing as she'd be willing to leave without even being asked if her best friend still lived in town, what's the problem? Why isn't anyone answering that? Why is this have to be all "WTF?!?!? Ooooh you better nip this in the bud now before your relationship with this a-hole spirals out of control and you end up an abused wife!" (because we all know that argument is next)...?? Jeeez.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Personally I do think it's time to leave his frat boy days behind. They shouldn't be getting so out of hand that you would feel more comfortable leaving. But I think you should also spend the weekend with your parents, as I said before.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Who says I'm not happy? I'm perfectly happy, even without a relationship. There are equal numbers of happy people both for and against this. You don't CHOOSE to be single. 400 miles and law school. We grew apart. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't see the relevance though. Didn't you say "look at the source"? Well, I was the source. Give me a little credit, T. Your dig was patently obvious. I'm smarter than you make me out to be. Take it as a dig if you choose to. It wasn't meant to be. I was trying to help LB with her confusion...nothing more and nothing less. And SG, what's the difference whether I'm married or living with Mr. T? I expected the same respect when we weren't married...no difference. BO is right on that. She and I don't agree in that I believe in the institution of marriage and she doesn't but I completely agree with her that the expectations for respect and courteous behavior should be NO different. I don't get your confusion in this regard at all. LB, think about how you solved issues in the past. How about a compromise instead of all your way or his?
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 LOOK, LB has already said that IF she had a girlfriend's place to go to, that she would just go over there, no problem, and a thread about this wouldn't even have been started. This is not about the quality of her relationship or her BF being controlling and calling the shots and making the rules. This is about LB not wanting to be inconvenienced. I get that. I wouldn't want to be inconvenienced either. But seeing as she'd be willing to leave without even being asked if her best friend still lived in town, what's the problem? Why isn't anyone answering that? Why is this have to be all "WTF?!?!? Ooooh you better nip this in the bud now before your relationship with this a-hole spirals out of control and you end up an abused wife!" (because we all know that argument is next)...?? Jeeez. I've personally jumped on LB's arse, when I felt she was being unreasonable. In this, I don't feel she's being unreasonable. This is something worth taking a stance on.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 LOOK, LB has already said that IF she had a girlfriend's place to go to, that she would just go over there, no problem, and a thread about this wouldn't even have been started. This is not about the quality of her relationship or her BF being controlling and calling the shots and making the rules. This is about LB not wanting to be inconvenienced. I get that. I wouldn't want to be inconvenienced either. But seeing as she'd be willing to leave without even being asked if her best friend still lived in town, what's the problem? Why isn't anyone answering that? Why is this have to be all "WTF?!?!? Ooooh you better nip this in the bud now before your relationship with this a-hole spirals out of control and you end up an abused wife!" (because we all know that argument is next)...?? Jeeez. Say what you want but the fact of the matter is that I look at the big picture. He HAS called her names in the past. You "do the math" and add all of this up.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You didn't CHOOSE to be single. Huh? WTF did you get THAT idea? That's really effing insulting. I make that decision every single day that a guy who's not good enough isn't in my life. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't see the relevance though. YOU ASKED why my relationship ended (the healthiest one I've ever had...the one where I GAVE HIM his space on occasion, and he did the same in return). LB, think about how you solved issues in the past. How about a compromise instead of all your way or his? Are you reading her posts, or just arguing with me? She's stated several times now how she intends to compromise on this. Like she's said before, and I've repeated for you... This would NOT be a problem for LB if her best friend still lived here. She'd happily stay with her and give him the space to spend time with his friends. SOOOOOOO....why is this a problem?
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