Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Wow, I've never had the balls to make plans about a shared living space without asking for an OK from my roommate. Especially if it would involve one or the other vacating the premisis for an entire weekend. I just assumed it was common courtesy to consult with people that you share a living space with prior to making any solid plans. Like I said, I don't think he's making/asking her to leave. He's suggesting, for the benefit of their relationship, that she avoid being there because he knows she'll get mad...which will cause a big old stinking fight between them.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Wow, I've never had the balls to make plans about a shared living space without asking for an OK from my roommate. Especially if it would involve one or the other vacating the premisis for an entire weekend. I just assumed it was common courtesy to consult with people that you share a living space with prior to making any solid plans. Well, he did ask me to see if it was okay they could come that weekend. I didn't expect him to suggest that I find another place to stay.
Lyssa Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Where I am from, we always ask if it's okay or not - out of respect for one another. I don't feel comfortable planning something like a party without asking my room-mates (even though cost and rent are split between us), just in case they have something planned as well - who knows. Maybe it's just me - I always prefer to discuss first.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 You've hit the mole on the nose! He rarely goes out with his friends, as they all live out of town. They see each other once every 3 or 4 months IF that. This isn't a usual thing for him, he doesnt get hammered with friends and bring them to our apartment. Actually this probably won't even happen again after this weekend (all of them here for the weekend).
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Sounds like your bf is immature and isn't committment material. Looks like he still has alot of growing up to do and still holds partying with friends above your R. Well, yes. Many of us have agreed with that sentiment from the get-go. The BOTH have to make the right decision and they BOTH have to have the same level of commitment. But just because he's not doesn't mean she should stubbornly stay around to cause a fight. Let him enjoy the weekend with his friends, and deal with it later. Timing is everything.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Like I said, I don't think he's making/asking her to leave. He's suggesting, for the benefit of their relationship, that she avoid being there because he knows she'll get mad...which will cause a big old stinking fight between them. You are right SG, he did suggest that I find a place to stay. And I honestly don't think he would ever force me or make me stay somewhere else if I didn't want to. And yes he did say that he was trying to avoid me getting mad at tons of drunk guys taking over our apartment.
Alpha Female Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I understand your point JB, but I'm wondering where the line is between giving a guy space and being a doormat and when one is allowed to stop worrying about gaining or losing points. Basically, when does the relationship become about the relationship? Well, when I was 23, I started living with my BF who was 26 at the time. Though he held a responsible white collar job and we had an excellent relationship, he still liked to party with his friends from time to time. When he did, I didn't want to be anywhere around it. They would get completely tanked, rank on each other, generally act like stupid frat boys. They were loud, obnoxious and it was not fun for me. When they came around, I made myself scarce. Not because I felt like I was "losing" anything, but because 1) I didn't want to be around them, and 2) I knew that giving him his space with them would bring us closer. Which it ALWAYS did. I never viewed it as drawing a line in the sand, or feeling like it set me up to be a doormat. Men need very few things in a relationship to be happy. 1 - sex 2 - sports 3 - no constant relationship "talks" 4 - sleep 5 - time with their guy friends And if you can cook, that's mere bonus. lol
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 He rarely goes out with his friends, as they all live out of town. They see each other once every 3 or 4 months IF that. This isn't a usual thing for him, he doesnt get hammered with friends and bring them to our apartment. Actually this probably won't even happen again after this weekend (all of them here for the weekend). If that's truly the case, then again....what's the problem? Seriously. If you're not concerned about creating a common pattern and practice, why can't you just give him this one thing?
Kamille Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Well, he did ask me to see if it was okay they could come that weekend. I didn't expect him to suggest that I find another place to stay. Since he's suggesting it, and you seem open to the idea of 7 guys partying it up in your appartment, then it is up to you to decide what you want to do: 1)stay in your appartment and put up as gracefully as you can with 7 drunk men 2)Wish them all a great weekend and vacate. whatever you decide, make sure it is what you feel like doing.
shadowplay Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Well, yes. Many of us have agreed with that sentiment from the get-go. The BOTH have to make the right decision and they BOTH have to have the same level of commitment. But just because he's not doesn't mean she should stubbornly stay around to cause a fight. Let him enjoy the weekend with his friends, and deal with it later. Timing is everything. How has he shown he's not ready to commit at other points?
Art_Critic Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If you agree to it then I think you should also have the same thing with your GF's.. Asking him to leave.. This is his being courteous.. this is him flexing his muscles in the relationship and showing you who rules the roost...and it is also disrespectful since hotels are in abundance...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Well, yes. Many of us have agreed with that sentiment from the get-go. The BOTH have to make the right decision and they BOTH have to have the same level of commitment. But just because he's not doesn't mean she should stubbornly stay around to cause a fight. Let him enjoy the weekend with his friends, and deal with it later. Timing is everything. His problem is that he has never lived with anyone our had a fully adult-committed relationship..a problem that we had to overcome. It has gotten better, we are in a committed relationship and this is the first time he has ever done anything like this before (at least while he has been with me and we have been living together).
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You are right SG, he did suggest that I find a place to stay. And I honestly don't think he would ever force me or make me stay somewhere else if I didn't want to. And yes he did say that he was trying to avoid me getting mad at tons of drunk guys taking over our apartment. Perhaps you'd might want to consider who's benefit this is for. I doubt it's for you or the relationship.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 How has he shown he's not ready to commit at other points? He has never shown me he isn't ready to committ..its more his relationship inexperience that has effected our relationship.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You are right SG, he did suggest that I find a place to stay. And I honestly don't think he would ever force me or make me stay somewhere else if I didn't want to. And yes he did say that he was trying to avoid me getting mad at tons of drunk guys taking over our apartment. Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, people! Ugh. You assume too much. LB's BF isn't some chest beating neanderthal. He might not be the most mature person in the world, but he does have her interests in mind. They're getting there... they're just not there yet. How they handle things like this will be very telling re: whether they make it or not. Well, when I was 23, I started living with my BF who was 26 at the time. Though he held a responsible white collar job and we had an excellent relationship, he still liked to party with his friends from time to time. When he did, I didn't want to be anywhere around it. They would get completely tanked, rank on each other, generally act like stupid frat boys. They were loud, obnoxious and it was not fun for me. When they came around, I made myself scarce. Not because I felt like I was "losing" anything, but because 1) I didn't want to be around them, and 2) I knew that giving him his space with them would bring us closer. Which it ALWAYS did. I never viewed it as drawing a line in the sand, or feeling like it set me up to be a doormat. Men need very few things in a relationship to be happy. 1 - sex 2 - sports 3 - no constant relationship "talks" 4 - sleep 5 - time with their guy friends And if you can cook, that's mere bonus. lol Hallelujah! Amen.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Perhaps you'd might want to consider who's benefit this is for. I doubt it's for you or the relationship. I completely believe it's for the relationship. Not getting LB mad is also a benefit to LB. She works herself into a tizzy when things don't go her way. (You know it's true, LB. )
Lyssa Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You sound as if you're okay with him having the party but the thought of nowhere to go that is giving you the 'headache', hey? Any other GFs you can stay the weekend over with besides the one that likes to stay out till 5am?
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I completely believe it's for the relationship. Not getting LB mad is also a benefit to LB. She works herself into a tizzy when things don't go her way. (You know it's true, LB. ) The more you put up with disrespectful behaviour within the relationship, the more people will take advantage. LB has to draw the line somewhere, for blatantly disrespectful behaviour. This is finally something worth taking a stance on, so at minimum, he understands her side, regardless of what actions she chooses to take.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Like I said I can see both sides of the coin here. I didn't flat out refuse to leave or start screaming at him that he can't have them over or that I shouldn't be forced to leave. Actually it was a fairly civilized conversation that wasn't an argument at all. More like a debative conversation if there is such a thing. What I think I might do is come back to the apartment sporadically when I know they won't be trashed and stuff to get some things then possibly just try to do something with my sister and suck it up and stay at home. Then I can still go to my apartment and just spend the night somewhere else. I think I'll run that compromise by him.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If you agree to it then I think you should also have the same thing with your GF's.. Asking him to leave.. I hope you're not suggesting an eye-for-an-eye "just because":rolleyes:.... THAT would be immature. But, she should certainly expect that he'd "owe her" for this. Not necessarily in vacating the apartment, but doing something he doesn't want to do because it's important to her. This is his being courteous.. this is him flexing his muscles in the relationship and showing you who rules the roost...and it is also disrespectful since hotels are in abundance... She's already explained that money is tight. If it weren't tight, they could just as easily put LB up for a mini spa-vacation.
Kamille Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Well, when I was 23, I started living with my BF who was 26 at the time. Though he held a responsible white collar job and we had an excellent relationship, he still liked to party with his friends from time to time. When he did, I didn't want to be anywhere around it. They would get completely tanked, rank on each other, generally act like stupid frat boys. They were loud, obnoxious and it was not fun for me. When they came around, I made myself scarce. Not because I felt like I was "losing" anything, but because 1) I didn't want to be around them, and 2) I knew that giving him his space with them would bring us closer. Which it ALWAYS did. I never viewed it as drawing a line in the sand, or feeling like it set me up to be a doormat. Men need very few things in a relationship to be happy. 1 - sex 2 - sports 3 - no constant relationship "talks" 4 - sleep 5 - time with their guy friends And if you can cook, that's mere bonus. lol The difference is between you deciding not to be there and it being suggested you not be there. I think LB is being reasonable thoughout this discussion as she's the one who pointed out he suggested she stay elsewhere for her own well-being. However, I've never had a bf throw a party in our appartment without consulting with me or including me in the plans, so I can see why some people feel it is an area of concern.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 What I think I might do is come back to the apartment sporadically when I know they won't be trashed and stuff to get some things then possibly just try to do something with my sister and suck it up and stay at home. Then I can still go to my apartment and just spend the night somewhere else. I think I'll run that compromise by him. I think that sounds like a good option. I don't get the feeling he wants you gone entirely - just when he knows they'll all be acting a fool (i.e., most likely at night).
Lizzie60 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Wow... I'm stunned to see so many 'doormats' here.. some I thought were much 'stronger'..
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 The difference is between you deciding not to be there and it being suggested you not be there. Honestly, if I were in his shoes, I'd be a little perturbed that the offer wasn't made to voluntarily leave and that I actually had to suggest he do so.
Art_Critic Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I hope you're not suggesting an eye-for-an-eye "just because":rolleyes:.... THAT would be immature. But, she should certainly expect that he'd "owe her" for this. Not necessarily in vacating the apartment, but doing something he doesn't want to do because it's important to her. She's already explained that money is tight. If it weren't tight, they could just as easily put LB up for a mini spa-vacation. Well then.. in that case I suggest she just lie down and let him kick her out for a weekend .. SG.. I know how strong willed you are and I don't think you would allow this to happen in a committed relationship that you might be in.. Most of us wouldn't.. What he is doing is flat out disrespecting the fact that she shares an equal flat with him.. including the bedroom... Why all of a sudden is it okay for him to just up and make rules like that in an instant that never existed before ?
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