Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 They planned this weekend back in March but didn't know which weekend it was going to be. Now it just happened to be AFTER we had moved in together. So I did know that they had planned some kind of thing but I had no clue it was going to be 7 guys crashing in my apt for the whole weekend. He told me a few weeks ago that they were having some "unbachelor" party in OUR apartment and that it may be better for me to stay somewhere else. If situations change, he also needs to adapt his plans to change. Your buy-in is key. It's your home too. You have every right to either remain or veto the entire party. If the roles were reversed, it would still hold true. I don't see you vetoing his weekend so he should at least appreciate that part and be willing to compromise accordingly. This pressuring through manipulation, isn't the way to do it.
Lizzie60 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Who pays the rent ?? Yes and who will clean up the apart.. after 7 goofs bash it? I just can't believe threads like this... and then women wonder why they are walked all over???? really...
SugarKiss Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I agree in the sense that it will be better for their relationship for her to consent (giving him space), but if she does I think she's not standing up for her own needs. It's a situation where you have to choose between what's best for the relationship and what's best for you. what??? that's crazy!!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Who pays the rent ?? We both do. We share all the rent and expenses of the apartment, including food and utilities.
shadowplay Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 EXCELLENT point. I mean I brought up about what if a SPOUSE asked that. But yeah, I'd even expect better behavior and more respect from a ROMMATE..never mind spouse or b/f. Good point. He would never ask a roommate to do this...so why is it ok to ask his gf?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It's a situation where you have to choose between what's best for the relationship and what's best for you. One shouldn't be in a relationship unless they desire to put the relationship first. All decisions should focus on not what is best for them, or best for you, but what's best for the relationship. How will this decision affect the relationship? In the way they're BOTH handling this, they're BOTH making decisions that are more focused on themselves than on the relationship.
SugarKiss Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I often find it's hard to strike a balance between training someone to respect you and not pissing them off (in this case by not giving him what he perceives as "space"). the way you do it is by not worrying about if you will piss them off, if they get pissed off they will have two jobs 1. be pissed off 2. get over it
SugarKiss Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 In the way they're BOTH handling this, they're BOTH making decisions that are more focused on themselves than on the relationship. Are you serious??? He never asked her HE IMPOSED this on her. how is she handling this poorly!?!?
blind_otter Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 We both do. We share all the rent and expenses of the apartment, including food and utilities. Soooooo. You share the living space and expenses, but he gets to call the shots?
Kamille Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Why does fairness have to do with it, LB? Remember the old adage - you hold people closest when you hold them at arms length. Leave for the weekend. Let him have his guy time. If you stick around, youll lose a LOT of points, as it will show him that once married to you, you will no longer allow him to have his own private fun with his guy friends. It will make you appear like a shrew of a gf. No guy wants to feel like he has to give up his time with his friends because of a GF who's being a nag. Trust me on this, LB. Leave for the weekend, all of his guy friends will tell him how wonderful and cool you are, he will agree, and be ALL over you for being so understanding. I understand your point JB, but I'm wondering where the line is between giving a guy space and being a doormat and when one is allowed to stop worrying about gaining or losing points. Basically, when does the relationship become about the relationship?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 EXCELLENT point. I mean I brought up about what if a SPOUSE asked that. But yeah, I'd even expect better behavior and more respect from a ROMMATE..never mind spouse or b/f. I've had plenty of rooommates in my time. Not once has someone ASKED permission to have friends over, even for an entire weekend. I haven't asked the same in return. Instead, we have ADVISED one another of our respective plans to allow the other to decide whether they want to stick around or find a weekend of peace elsewhere. They treat each other more like roommates than partners. I suspect that's natural for a pair their age. (Another reason why I suggested you should never move in with a dude before engagement....)
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I can't keep up with you all!!!!!!!!
Art_Critic Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 We both do. We share all the rent and expenses of the apartment, including food and utilities. Then make him pay the rent for the month by himself since he wants to treat you as if you don't live there and pay rent to be there.
SugarKiss Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I've had plenty of rooommates in my time. Not once has someone ASKED permission to have friends over, even for an entire weekend. I haven't asked the same in return. Instead, we have ADVISED one another of our respective plans to allow the other to decide whether they want to stick around or find a weekend of peace elsewhere. They treat each other more like roommates than partners. I suspect that's natural for a pair their age. (Another reason why I suggested you should never move in with a dude before engagement....) yes but the point is you would NOT expect to kick out your roomate for a whole weekend so that you could bring over 7 people.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Basically, when does the relationship become about the relationship? When they BOTH stop being selfish and stubborn. I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Art_Critic Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I can't keep up with you all!!!!!!!! I know.. this thread is making my head spin too .. a lot of posts quickly..
SugarKiss Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 When they BOTH stop being selfish and stubborn. I don't see that happening anytime soon. both being selfish???? are you for real? he never even asked her about this he imposed this on her, what kind of a relationship deal is that?
shadowplay Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I understand your point JB, but I'm wondering where the line is between giving a guy space and being a doormat and when one is allowed to stop worrying about gaining or losing points. Basically, when does the relationship become about the relationship? I'm wondering the same. Actually, this is a problem that comes up a lot in relationships.
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I often find it's hard to strike a balance between training someone to respect you and not pissing them off (in this case by not giving him what he perceives as "space"). I know. That's a tightrope to walk sometimes. My feeling is though that ok, so what? They'll get pissed off. They'll either get over it or the relationship has nowhere to go anyway. I have to be treated with respect. My need for respect and courteous treatment comes before the fear of pissing someone off. That's the difference between a doormat and a goddess.
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I think you're being jealous and stupid. I don't think she is being jealous or stupid at all. It is her place too and she pays rent there(I am assuming). For him to decide he wants to put her out for the weekend is absurd. he should ASK her, not expect her to go somewhere else. If I were you, I would find somewhere else to stay for the weekend. He, and his friends, will greatly appreciate and respect you giving them time and space to bond. they can bond without having to force her out of her own apartment. They are cheapskates not wanting to get their own hotels.
blind_otter Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I've had plenty of rooommates in my time. Not once has someone ASKED permission to have friends over, even for an entire weekend. I haven't asked the same in return. Instead, we have ADVISED one another of our respective plans to allow the other to decide whether they want to stick around or find a weekend of peace elsewhere. Wow, I've never had the balls to make plans about a shared living space without asking for an OK from my roommate. Especially if it would involve one or the other vacating the premisis for an entire weekend. I just assumed it was common courtesy to consult with people that you share a living space with prior to making any solid plans.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Soooooo. You share the living space and expenses, but he gets to call the shots? Oh, c'mon. He's not calling all the shots. They just moved in together. This is a first time thing. She's probably more pissed that he even has the opportunity to have his 7 buddies over because she doesn't. Should she be able to call the shots and prevent him from having them over?? Is it LB's way or the highway?? I hope not. yes but the point is you would NOT expect to kick out your roomate for a whole weekend so that you could bring over 7 people. I really don't see this situation as one where he's asking or making her to leave. He's SUGGESTING she leave to avoid the drama that will inevitably ensue.
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Okay split advice here. In response to what everyone has said. A few more details here may help bring more opinions. 1. He saw his friends over the 4th of july when we went to his hometown. He spent like 10 hours with them playing a game while I was at his house visiting with his family. He missed the fireworks with his family and I because he was blocked in at his friends house and couldn't leave. 2. He is going to visit his best freind in Ohio next weekend. I am probably going to be able to come with him, but it's up in the air as I may have some family plans. He is going with or without me though. 3. His friends are coming that weekend from out of town therefore have nowhere else to stay but our apartment. Sigh. Sounds like your bf is immature and isn't committment material. Looks like he still has alot of growing up to do and still holds partying with friends above your R.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Sounds like your bf is immature and isn't committment material. Looks like he still has alot of growing up to do and still holds partying with friends above your R. You've hit the mole on the nose!
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