Touche Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Yeah, my friend suggested the same thing. It's in the back of my mind. Maybe he just didn't realize that he was going to have to make MORE of a committment than he thought he would. What I fail to understand is that I have tried to talk to him about this before, that I asked him if he liked living together and if he was having any problems or issues. He said he loved living together and loved being with me. He even said last night that it was so good to come home to me and that he loved me and hoped we'd always be together. Was that just BS? I don't think it was BS. I think he loves it as long as things are exactly the way he wants them to be. If you start expressing your expectations, he's going to insult you and not like it so much.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I kind of agree. I think they're at different maturity levels concerning the idea of a committed relationship. He treats LB kind of like a roommate in a sense. I think he's too young and not ready for a live-in situation. But I also think LB needs to "lighten up" a little and not be so intense. You can put your foot down without being a bytch. (It takes practice..haha.) And I'm not saying you're a bytch but he might perceive it that way. And you have to be firm without nagging. Exactly. Like I've said a million times before, they've both got a LONG WAY to go.
Ariadne Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Ok, This relationship is in serious trouble: 1) They get along like cats and dogs. Just too much drama. 2) Then: he did lay into me pretty hard regarding everything he dislikes about me When you are with a partner for the long run, you are supposed to like everything about the other person. Maybe some things might annoy you, but basically you like him 100%. 3) The guy wants to get "trashed" with his buddies. Seems like his mentality is in Spring Break or something.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Ok, I'm not getting something here. The fight was about him not coming home when he said he would and not even calling? Well if that's the case I don't blame you for being upset. That's inconsiderate. Yes, that's why I was upset. He thought that my behavior was "naggy and uncalled for." You both should have stuck to THAT issue and that issue only and resolved that one so that it doesn't happen again in the future. The mistake I think you both made was in bringing up other stuff that had nothing to do with what the original problem was Oh, believe me I totally tried to stick to the issue. When he brought up his friends I kept TRYING to bring him back to waht we were talking about and it didn't work. It was one thing after the other. And I agree that you should stop saying things about "no wonder I'm insecure." No. You're responsible for your insecurity. Not him. Don't give him that power. Yeah SG said the same thing. You guys are right about that.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Yeah, my friend suggested the same thing. It's in the back of my mind. Maybe he just didn't realize that he was going to have to make MORE of a committment than he thought he would. What I fail to understand is that I have tried to talk to him about this before, that I asked him if he liked living together and if he was having any problems or issues. He said he loved living together and loved being with me. He even said last night that it was so good to come home to me and that he loved me and hoped we'd always be together. Was that just BS? Well, presenting the conversation in that way is a really loaded question. Do you expect him to answer truthfully and say, "Ya know, actually, I kinda don't like this situation"?? No. He's not stupid. I think he loves the convenience of having you around. I also think he loathes the added expectations.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Well, presenting the conversation in that way is a really loaded question. Do you expect him to answer truthfully and say, "Ya know, actually, I kinda don't like this situation"?? No. He's not stupid. I think he loves the convenience of having you around. I also think he loathes the added expectations. Yeah I'm going to try to talk to him tonight. I think maybe he expected that we were going to be like "roommates" and not in a "marriage-like" situation.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Yeah I'm going to try to talk to him tonight. I think maybe he expected that we were going to be like "roommates" and not in a "marriage-like" situation. That's something you should've figured out BEFORE moving in together. Many people, myself included (and likely your BF), don't think that moving in together is equivalent to a "marriage-like situation" UNLESS there's already a ring involved.
Touche Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Yeah I'm going to try to talk to him tonight. I think maybe he expected that we were going to be like "roommates" and not in a "marriage-like" situation. I agree. Because that's the crux of these little arguments lately. You both need to establish your expectations about this arrangement and see if you can each negotiate for want you want/need. Neither one of you will get exactly what you want I'm sure. But if you can come up with something that you're both agreeable to, then you'd be doing well.
Touche Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 That's something you should've figured out BEFORE moving in together. Many people, myself included (and likely your BF), don't think that moving in together is equivalent to a "marriage-like situation" UNLESS there's already a ring involved. I agree with you about the part about that they should have figured out before moving in together what the expectations would be. Oh and you know I don't agree with the last part. I think there's no difference or shouldn't be one. Want to hear something funny though? I asked H about that and he agrees with you! I was shocked! He couldn't even tell me WHY he thinks it's different just that it is. I was like "what?" We normally agree on stuff like this. And we only lived together for 5 months before we were married but he was the same as when we were married. So I don't even know why he's saying that but there you go. We don't agree on this one. I still don't get that. I still don't get why it should be different.
Ariadne Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I agree with you about the part about that they should have figured out before moving in together what the expectations would be. They shouldn't even be negotiating expectations or any of that. Those things should be done naturally, as a partnership, and it shouldn't even be an issue. Say, they guy is staying longer. He calls, dear, I'll be late, is that ok? Sure honey. When you get to the point of negotiation things are already crap.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 We DID talk about this prior to moving in together. We did discuss that this isn't a roomate like situation, that it was more of a committment. Oh and honestly, I know we aren't married, so marriage expectations aren't in the picture..nor did I really care if they were. I decided to move in together knowing full well that we wouldn't be married or have those types of expectations. HOWEVER, I do agree that there should be SOME higher expectations than just dating. Moving in together is a serious committment, more so than just being in a committed relationship and dating. I seriously did think that this was the case prior to moving in together. We talked about that and agreed. Maybe he changed his mind when he realized that he wasn't going to party with his friends all the time like he did when we weren't living together. I don't know, I'm a little confused here.
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Art_Critic Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I still don't get that. I still don't get why it should be different. I don't think it is.. or at least it never has been to me or any of the girls I've lived with before. In each live in relationship you are BF/GF not roommates.. You swap bodily fluids and share bills as well as plan the future together.. How is that a roommate situation ? I've lived with many women thruout my lifetime.. the longest.. 4 years and the shortest was just a year and in each case whether there was an apartment or my house we lived as a couple almost married... LB.. If your BF wants a roommate then he needs to consider long and hard how that will effect his sex life/love life and the partner whom he shares a home with. Your BF isn't in a relationship with his friends that will lead to marriage but you are and he should really decide if he wants to be married/snuggled up to his sweaty friends or a nice looking sweet girl like yourself.. Priorities.....
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 We DID talk about this prior to moving in together. We did discuss that this isn't a roomate like situation, that it was more of a committment. Oh and honestly, I know we aren't married, so marriage expectations aren't in the picture..nor did I really care if they were. I decided to move in together knowing full well that we wouldn't be married or have those types of expectations. HOWEVER, I do agree that there should be SOME higher expectations than just dating. Moving in together is a serious committment, more so than just being in a committed relationship and dating. I seriously did think that this was the case prior to moving in together. We talked about that and agreed. Maybe he changed his mind when he realized that he wasn't going to party with his friends all the time like he did when we weren't living together. I don't know, I'm a little confused here. Well then, I'm convinced I'm right. Prior to moving in, you established a baseline: "Our relationship will now be like XYZ." That's what you wanted, that's what he said he wanted. But he's certainly not acting like XYZ, now is he?
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I don't think it is.. or at least it never has been to me or any of the girls I've lived with before. In each live in relationship you are BF/GF not roommates.. You swap bodily fluids and share bills as well as plan the future together.. How is that a roommate situation ? NO, Art. You're confusing the issues. I agree that living together is NOT like a roommate situaton. Where Touche and I (and her Hubby!) differ is that I don't see living together as being the same as a "marriage-like situation," UNLESS there's a ring/engagement involved. Otherwise, it's no different than committed dating...just more convenient.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Well then, I'm convinced I'm right. Prior to moving in, you established a baseline: "Our relationship will now be like XYZ." That's what you wanted, that's what he said he wanted. But he's certainly not acting like XYZ, now is he? No, that's what I need to discuss with him.
Art_Critic Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 By the way LB.. I do stick with my original assessment and think you don't have a long way to go.. don't let people tell you otherwise.. Relationships are hard work... long hard work There isn't a person here that doesn't have to work long and hard on a relationship and from what I've seen here on LS you do... Maybe some readers could take a lesson or two from you and maybe they might have better success in their relationships.... Good luck with your BF on the talk tonight.. Try not to make any discussions or arguments an exit fight and you will work out what is the right thing...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 I agree with Art though (and I know a lot of people differ when it comes to this issue). I agree that living together is not like marriage unless there is a ring/marriage in the picture. However I do think that there is a higher level of committment when it comes to living together as opposed to dating. I did talk to my boyfriend about the level of committment, because I DID know that he had been hesitant to talk about serious things like that (engagement, marriage, ect). He did say this is what he wanted. I actually I asked him a few times if he liked living together and he always said yes. I told him to talk to me about issues and we would work them out..which we have. I think I might have struck a cord when I told him that he should have called yesterday. I think that might have made him feel like he was married or something. That might be the real issue.
Art_Critic Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Where Touche and I (and her Hubby!) differ is that I don't see living together as being the same as a "marriage-like situation," UNLESS there's a ring/engagement involved. Otherwise, it's no different than committed dating...just more convenient. It can be.. there is the whole " why buy the cow when the milk is for free " deal and that does carry merit in living together.. I don't know if he is that type or not though...
Touche Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 NO, Art. You're confusing the issues. I agree that living together is NOT like a roommate situaton. Where Touche and I (and her Hubby!) differ is that I don't see living together as being the same as a "marriage-like situation," UNLESS there's a ring/engagement involved. Otherwise, it's no different than committed dating...just more convenient. Oh well we were engaged when I moved in 5 months before we got married but still...I really agree with Art. And I don't get it. And I wish Hubby and you, Star would explain it to me. You both haven't come up with a satisfactory answer (and you're both lawyers! ) What gives? Convince us that it's so different. Oh and Ariadne, I couldn't disagree with you more on that one. We wouldn't still be married (and happily at that) if it weren't for the fact that we negotiated our expectations along the way. Just because we love each other doesn't mean we can read each others' minds you know.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 It can be.. there is the whole " why buy the cow when the milk is for free " deal and that does carry merit in living together.. I don't know if he is that type or not though... Thats not the case. He wants to get married and have children. By the way, I HATE that saying..who the heck cares.
Art_Critic Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 (and you're both lawyers! ) What gives? Lawyer are always looking for loopholes
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It can be.. there is the whole " why buy the cow when the milk is for free " deal and that does carry merit in living together.. I don't know if he is that type or not though... "Can" is the operative word there, though. It can be, but that doesn't automatically make it so. Both partners have to have the same expectations...which doesn't appear to be the case here, now does it? Doesn't make either one of them right or wrong, just different.
Touche Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Lawyer are always looking for loopholes Well I'm still waiting for them to find the "loophole" on this living together vs. marriage difference.
Lishy Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I do think he is struggling with the added pressures of living together, I also think that is quite normal when you are still young and wanting to party like you did when single - I still struggle with it at 37! You will have many teething problems and all you can do is pray that he will be honest and open and not try to paper over the cracks. I do, however, think that he has something on his mind that he is not being honest about, and I do not mean another woman. Communication, communication, communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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