"Guy Weekend"

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think this is true SG....

 

They ARE in a relationship that they seem to always work out their issues..

They live with one another and that isn't easy.. they have both compromised for the good of the relationship and they seem to keep that the basic goal

 

I personally feel that they have a very good relationship and with their age they will mature as time goes on..

 

Good for them.. They are learning the real and true secret to making it work

 

Thank you AC. It's good to have support. It's true that living together and just relationships in general are not always easy..it's about constant compromise and being able to admit that you are wrong. I personally think the lack of communication and compromising in marriages is the reason for so many divorces.

 

So who knows, maybe in a year or two our relationship will be stable and strong enough to get married and make it work.

[melodymatters]

Thank you AC. It's good to have support. It's true that living together and just relationships in general are not always easy..it's about constant compromise and being able to admit that you are wrong. I personally think the lack of communication and compromising in marriages is the reason for so many divorces.

 

So who knows, maybe in a year or two our relationship will be stable and strong enough to get married and make it work.

 

 

I absolutely agree with you both AC & LB ! I have noticed SO many differences between me in relationships in my 20's, and now at 40.

 

Most things are just NOT worth fighting over nowadays, whereas at 22, if I found a pic of an old gF i'd have a meltdown !

 

Thank God, age is good for something !

[Trialbyfire]

Relationships are partially built on the ability to conflict-resolve. The two are working their way through these issues. Hopefully, they can continue doing this with open communication.

[Lauriebell82]

Relationships are partially built on the ability to conflict-resolve. The two are working their way through these issues. Hopefully, they can continue doing this with open communication.

 

Yeah, it's REALLY hard to do that. I'm afraid to post this because I fear that everyone will flip out on me but here goes. (I appreciate feedback, but please lay into me too hard, I'm just asking for advice, not insults.)

 

We had a big fight last night when he got back from Cleveland. Long story short, I got an attitude with him when he didn't come home when he said he was going to and didn't bother to call me and say he was staying later. He got pissed, we started arguing. He threw back a lot of things i have done back in my face (yeah I admit I can be selfish and spoiled) which is waht he basically said. I'm NOT trying to make myself look like the innocent victim and that he is the bad one, I can be spoiled sometimes. Oh and he said all his freinds think that about me too, including the one he went to visit in Cleveland. We went to this 5th of July party at his friends house when we were in his hometown and apparently I made a bad impression on everyone and they all didn't like me. (because I complained that there wasn't any diet coke.) I'm starting to wonder whether his friend is manipulating this situation, and if people really think this about me.

 

So anyway, he did lay into me pretty hard regarding everything he dislikes about me, yet did say that he loves me like crazy and I'm the best thing that ever happened to me. He said I'm insecure, which yeah I am. I'm trying to work through that. Anyway, we DID work everything out and talked about everything. We are trying to work out our issues, We did resolve everything like adults, and had a really great rest of the night. He said that he was glad to be home and that he did miss me.

 

Maybe the reason why I'm so insecure is because of what happens when we fight as opposed to when we get along and everything is happy again. Does anyone else experience this or is it just me?

[Lishy]

Laurie, I am not going to get on your back or try to make you feel bad, you know my feelings around this situation and I won't reiterate on it.

 

Is there any chance that your boyfriend has listened to his friends bad mouthing you at the weekend and it sort of made him angry at you?

 

I believe there is a chance that something has happened that has made him mad at you and that was why he did not come back 'on time' or let you know he will be late.

 

Young men can be very led by their friends and also, is there any chance he is feeling a bit claustaphobic with you both living together?

[Lauriebell82]

Laurie, I am not going to get on your back or try to make you feel bad, you know my feelings around this situation and I won't reiterate on it.

 

Is there any chance that your boyfriend has listened to his friends bad mouthing you at the weekend and it sort of made him angry at you?

 

I believe there is a chance that something has happened that has made him mad at you and that was why he did not come back 'on time' or let you know he will be late.

 

Young men can be very led by their friends and also, is there any chance he is feeling a bit claustaphobic with you both living together?

 

Yeah, those are definate possiblies. My one guy friend said that it may be his passive aggressive way of "proving" that I don't control his life or have him "whipped." I'm sure his friend isn't all innocent either trying to convince him to leave on time. I still think he might have even made that crap up about the party, I mean Iknow I complained a little but 20 people don't like me because I was a tiny bit upset there was no diet coke? I am a little suspicious of his friend, I even suggseted to my bf whether or not he knew for sure if that was true, if he didn't find that out for himself. He told me I was being paranoid.

[Lishy]

I have a strong feeling that your friend was right! I think his friends have ripped the pi*s out of him for being 'whipped' and then gone on to bad mouth you, probably in a light way so that your bf would not get too upset and fall out with them. I think that this, inturn, has caused your boyfriend to feel he has to prove he is his own man by not doing what you wanted him to do i.e be on time/call.

 

I do not doubt that your bf loves you or that you love him. Living together is hard LB, it takes time to get on even ground and set firm boundaries without making the other feel 'whipped'.

 

He has basically caused an argument with you and then nailed into you what a bad person you are and how everyone dislikes you etc - I do not know your bf so I think you need to take an honest look and work out why he did this.

 

Do you think there is any chance that he is secretly upset that you will not leave the house for the whole weekend and not just one night and is taking it out on you in other ways?

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for replying Lishy. I think that he did do the whole "not coming home/not calling thing" on purpose to prove that he wasn't whipped and that he could do what he wanted.

 

This "my friends don't like you" crap has come up during fights before. I always try to tell him that it isn't about his friends, it's about me and him and that I don't like when he brings other people into our arguments. It's so weird though, that he says totally different things when we fight as opposed to when we are getting along. We went out with a couple the other nigth and towards the end of dinner (around 9ish) I started to get quiet and tired because I had been up since 5 am. He said he understood that I was tired when we got in the car. Next day at work he says that they both (he works with the guy) said they had fun and understood that I was tired.

 

So during our fight it was a completely different story. I was rude during dinner and acting grumpy and didn't smile at all. I acted negative and rude. when I questioned him that his friends had told him they had a good time his response was "oh they were probably just being polite." And he wonders why I'm so insecure. He did something similar regarding the picnic in which his freind said "nobody liked me." My boyfriend had told me AFTER the picnic that I looked like I was having fun and everyone seemed to like me. (I tend to be shy and quiet when first meeting people). Then it all comes out that I acted spoiled and selfish and everyone hated me because I complained there was no diet coke.

 

WTF?

[Lishy]

LB I am going to throw this out there, I could be so wrong and probably am BUT the first form of defense is attack, Is there any possible way he has done something this weekend that he feels bad about and is trying to cover up by starting a random argument, getting nasty and attacking you to make you feel bad? It would be a way used by many men previously to cover tracks and make their partner not question them as they are too upset.

 

Men (and women) do this all the time!

 

I could be very wrong though, I am just giving you something else to consider as it seems he has been very nasty over absolutely nothing! It is never nothing LB you just need to work out what it is.

 

Oh and one other thing LB, it is so not healthy to allow your man to talk to you and put you down in the way he does. That really needs to stop. Everyone argues, that is normal and healthy ... Personal insults are another matter completely!

 

How would he react if you said "well actually all of my friends and family think ytou are a huge prick and that I could do so much better than you" and then follow it with "I love you baby you are the best thing that ever happened to me"

 

Can you see how bizarre that is?

[Star Gazer]

LB, you know I love you, but you ARE a little uptight, and you know that you can be selfish and spoiled, and yet you're not really making efforts to change that...at least, not that I can see. Insecurity, yes. You're making improvments. But selfishness and short-sightedness, no.

 

You complained about there being no diet coke at someone else's party? Where you were a guest? WTF? Why would you do that? I'm sure that's only one of many examples your BF could have come up with; it was probably just the most recent in time that he could think of. You present yourself as a spoiled princess sometimes, LB. You really do. You seem to have an air of entitlement in a way. I do not mean that to be insulting at all, but something's GOT to change there or this relationship will go down the sh*tter fast.

 

If you want this relationship to last, you need to change your perspective from "not really having a problem" with his friends to actually putting effort to developing a friendly relationship with them. Whether you like it or not, his friends are important to him; therefore, they need to be important to you too. What they think about you does and will matter in the long run. Why wouldn't you want to have a friendly relatinship with them? If you choose to be naive about that, your relationship will fail. Complaining about what's offered at a party and crashing guy time are not going to win their hearts.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for your responses guys. I think you both made really good points.

 

Yes, I got spoiled rotten as a kid. He on the other hand comes from a poor family who have a hard time managing finances. He has always had to pay his way for everything. I will admit that I do act a tad spoiled sometimes (some comments that I make) HOWEVER I don't think my bf should lay into me to that extent. He did insult me a lot during our fight even after I admitted that I did act spoiled sometimes. He overreacted about the party and the double date. I do still think his freind manipulated the situation a tad, and my bf didn't want to look like a p*ssy in from of his friend.

 

In my defense, I didn't complain to the extent that my bf said I did at the party. I simply did not see any diet coke, therefore ASKED if there was, and said "oh no diet coke, oh well." Thats it. My bf made it seem like I started screaming at everyone and making a big deal about it. I realize that I do complain sometimes, something that I am working on, just for myself as well.

 

The thing that I am most bothered about is the "hot/cold" bs. One minute he is telling me how everyone hates me and how he hates all these things about it, next minute he is telling me how much he loves me, he cant live without me, im the best thing that has ever happened to him, blah blah, ect. WTF? That is messed up. And he wonders why i'm so insecure.

[Lishy]

The problem here is not what LB has done in the past IMO - He came home and started a row for no apparent reason ..... why did he do this? Yes she may have acted a bit brattish at the party but she is also leaving her home to accomodate his friends, that is not a spoiled attribute in my eyes. I do not consider myself spoiled but I wouldnt have left home and I would also be upset if he turned up late with no phone call, I call that a lack of respect. He did this deliberately to start a row!

 

LB probably does need to work on her issues (I think we all do!) but why did he come home and deliberately start an argument?

 

There seems to be a bigger issue underneath ......

[Lauriebell82]

The problem here is not what LB has done in the past IMO - He came home and started a row for no apparent reason ..... why did he do this? Yes she may have acted a bit brattish at the party but she is also leaving her home to accomodate his friends, that is not a spoiled attribute in my eyes. I do not consider myself spoiled but I wouldnt have left home and I would also be upset if he turned up late with no phone call, I call that a lack of respect. He did this deliberately to start a row!

 

LB probably does need to work on her issues (I think we all do!) but why did he come home and deliberately start an argument?

 

There seems to be a bigger issue underneath ......

 

Yeah, I mean the issue isn't even really that I'm spoiled or wahtever. I know I can act that way, he already knows I can act that way. Something I'm trying to work on. Like you said, we all do.

 

The main thing that puzzles me is the weird hot/cold behavior. One minute he criticizes then we make up and he tells me how much he loves me and i'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Which one is it???

 

It seems like it's some kind of idealistic delusional behavior or something.

[Lishy]

LB you have ignored my previous post so do you mind if I ask again ... Is there any chance he did something he regrets this weekend?

[Star Gazer]

And he wonders why i'm so insecure.

 

You keep saying that. Since when is YOUR insecurity HIS fault? He's talking about YOUR behavior.

 

Your BF can LOVE you to pieces and really HATE certain things you do, LB. It's possible. In fact, it's almost required, as no one is perfect.

 

Would you rather him not tell you what bothers him, and quietly build resentment until one day you come home and he's moved out without telling you?

[Lauriebell82]

LB you have ignored my previous post so do you mind if I ask again ... Is there any chance he did something he regrets this weekend?

 

I really don't think so. I really do trust him, he called me Friday night at 10:00 and said he was just gong to have a couple beers with his friend and stay in because they were going to Cedar Point the next day. Saturday they were at Cedar Point all day, he called me at 9:30 when they got home and said goodnight and that he loved me. Sunday they went to a movie and lunch, then he left to come home.

 

I trust him, I don't have a reason to believe that he would do anything to betray me.

[Star Gazer]

The problem here is not what LB has done in the past IMO - He came home and started a row for no apparent reason ..... why did he do this? Yes she may have acted a bit brattish at the party but she is also leaving her home to accomodate his friends, that is not a spoiled attribute in my eyes. I do not consider myself spoiled but I wouldnt have left home and I would also be upset if he turned up late with no phone call, I call that a lack of respect. He did this deliberately to start a row!

 

LB probably does need to work on her issues (I think we all do!) but why did he come home and deliberately start an argument?

 

There seems to be a bigger issue underneath ......

 

She is leaving the home for ONE night, and admitted she's not even really giving him any guy time.

 

This isn't the first time LB has acted like a brat, she admits to that. He's getting annoyed because while he was the only one who had to deal with it before, now it's becoming even more obvious to his friends. I'm sure his friends ARE talking about her behavior, and he's not liking the reminder.

 

LB, YOU need to change YOUR way of thinking and YOUR behavior. Stop comparing yourself to your BF (who came from less money). Regardless of whether you come from old oil money or poverty, you can still behave in a gracious, appreciative, pleasant manner...at least in front of his friends.

[Lauriebell82]

You keep saying that. Since when is YOUR insecurity HIS fault? He's talking about YOUR behavior.

 

Your BF can LOVE you to pieces and really HATE certain things you do, LB. It's possible. In fact, it's almost required, as no one is perfect.

 

Would you rather him not tell you what bothers him, and quietly build resentment until one day you come home and he's moved out without telling you?

 

I know where you are coming from, I really do. I really do want him to talk to me about issues. I talk to him about issues all the time, like I said we do have good communication.

 

What he said about hating things I do..he actually didn't say that, he said he hated that PART of my personality. He said it like it was part of me, not an action that I was doing. I don't have a problem talking about issues, it just did not work last night. I kept trying to get him to calm down and not insult me but tell me what was bothering him. He didn't really do it that way.

[Lauriebell82]

She is leaving the home for ONE night, and admitted she's not even really giving him any guy time.

 

This isn't the first time LB has acted like a brat, she admits to that. He's getting annoyed because while he was the only one who had to deal with it before, now it's becoming even more obvious to his friends. I'm sure his friends ARE talking about her behavior, and he's not liking the reminder.

 

LB, YOU need to change YOUR way of thinking and YOUR behavior. Stop comparing yourself to your BF (who came from less money). Regardless of whether you come from old oil money or poverty, you can still behave in a gracious, appreciative, pleasant manner...at least in front of his friends.

 

Yes, like I said, I want him to talk to me about issues that he has. I do that all the time, and mostly we can resolve it without even getting into a fight. Like I said, I think his freind DID manipulate the situation a little bit for his own benefit. He certainly didn't like the idea of him leaving early to come home to his gf.

 

I just wasn't comfortable with the fight. I tried several times to try to talk to him and he overspoke me (if thats a word). I tried to steer the convo in a more productive direction, but it didn't work he kept insulting me. So that's why I was so confused regarding his hot/cold behavior.

[Star Gazer]

You want to know what I think, LB? Honestly?

[Lauriebell82]

You want to know what I think, LB? Honestly?

 

Oh geez. If it's not going to insult me or really make me feel like crap then yes. Constructive criticism please.

[Star Gazer]

Well, I doubt this will make you think of sunshine and roses, but here goes...

 

I think he's regretting moving in together. Not because he doesn't love you and want to be with you, but because he's just not ready to give up his complete freedom. What he perceives (rightly or wrongly) as your "bratty" behavior is only compounding those feelings.

[Touche]

Ok, I'm not getting something here. The fight was about him not coming home when he said he would and not even calling?

 

Well if that's the case I don't blame you for being upset. That's inconsiderate.

 

You both should have stuck to THAT issue and that issue only and resolved that one so that it doesn't happen again in the future. The mistake I think you both made was in bringing up other stuff that had nothing to do with what the original problem was.

 

Also, you shouldn't have been rude and grumpy with him during dinner.

 

And I agree that you should stop saying things about "no wonder I'm insecure." No. You're responsible for your insecurity. Not him. Don't give him that power.

 

The way I would have hadled this was to not engage him in the insults..not react. But instead bring him back to the issue of not calling if he was going to be late.

 

I once read that the number one mistake couples make when in the middle of a disagreement is to bring up PAST issues and also to hurl insults.

 

Those couples who do that, don't have a very good chance at a long-term relationship.

 

To me, the BIG issue here is HOW you fight..not what you're fighting about.

 

And for most couples their success/failure depend on how they fight and not what they fight about.

 

Think about it.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, I doubt this will make you think of sunshine and roses, but here goes...

 

I think he's regretting moving in together. Not because he doesn't love you and want to be with you, but because he's just not ready to give up his complete freedom. What he perceives (rightly or wrongly) as your "bratty" behavior is only compounding those feelings.

 

Yeah, my friend suggested the same thing. It's in the back of my mind. Maybe he just didn't realize that he was going to have to make MORE of a committment than he thought he would. What I fail to understand is that I have tried to talk to him about this before, that I asked him if he liked living together and if he was having any problems or issues. He said he loved living together and loved being with me. He even said last night that it was so good to come home to me and that he loved me and hoped we'd always be together.

 

Was that just BS?

[Touche]

Well, I doubt this will make you think of sunshine and roses, but here goes...

 

I think he's regretting moving in together. Not because he doesn't love you and want to be with you, but because he's just not ready to give up his complete freedom. What he perceives (rightly or wrongly) as your "bratty" behavior is only compounding those feelings.

 

I kind of agree. I think they're at different maturity levels concerning the idea of a committed relationship. He treats LB kind of like a roommate in a sense.

 

I think he's too young and not ready for a live-in situation.

 

But I also think LB needs to "lighten up" a little and not be so intense. You can put your foot down without being a bytch. (It takes practice..haha.) And I'm not saying you're a bytch but he might perceive it that way. And you have to be firm without nagging.

 

But he needs to stop with the insults. I've said that before. It's a very bad sign.