bish Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 What bothers me the most is the fact that not once have you mentioned any concern on your BF's part as to where you'll stay, who you'll hang out with, what you'll be doing that weekend. No recommendations, no offer to help make arrangements, no effort to make sure you'll be safe... not even a curious question. Just, "you really shouldn't be here." He got his way, so of course he's going to be conciliatory ("I feel bad" ) toward you during your "talk." I was thinking the same thing with regards to him being agreeable during the talk because of him getting his way. But on the other hand, maybe not, but what you brought up is a possibility.
bish Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 LB is happy now, she has resolved her problem and is happu with the result so why carry it on people? Because we are discussing possibilities as to what might be going on with the bf. If she is happy with the results of her talk with him, then she can pay us no mind. We can still talk about it amongst ourselves in a general context rather than make assumptions on her specific situation.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 I was thinking the same thing with regards to him being agreeable during the talk because of him getting his way. But on the other hand, maybe not, but what you brought up is a possibility. He didn't say that "I really shouldn't be there" to my face. He said that he didn't knwo if I would WANT to be there with tons of drunk guys around. (Which is sort of the same thing, just a little less harsh I guess). His friend was one who told me flat out that "I shouldn't shouldn't be there." He actually DIDN'T his full way because I am not leaving for the whole weekend. I'm going to spend Saturday at my parents and go to the bar with my sister. Why should he have all the fun?
bish Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 He didn't say that "I really shouldn't be there" to my face. He said that he didn't knwo if I would WANT to be there with tons of drunk guys around. (Which is sort of the same thing, just a little less harsh I guess). His friend was one who told me flat out that "I shouldn't shouldn't be there." He actually DIDN'T his full way because I am not leaving for the whole weekend. I'm going to spend Saturday at my parents and go to the bar with my sister. Why should he have all the fun? Why don't you go to a male strip club and stuff some bills in the guys' g-strings?
JP77 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Why don't you go to a male strip club and stuff some bills in the guys' g-strings? Yeah and give an extra tip to the one's with the cucumbers.
JP77 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 OK well at least you admit it. Haha, oh look me, I am John and I attend Eaton and I suck daddy's wopdong.
Mary3 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Yeah and give an extra tip to the one's with the cucumbers. mmmmm cucumbers
Storyrider Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Wow, I'm glad I stayed off this thread until now. LB, I think your boyfriend is trying to keep his "individual" identity from mixing with his couple identity. He is a different person with you than he is in guy mode, and he is trying to keep those two worlds separate so that neither will threaten the other. That is the crux of what is driving his decision-making process. If these two worlds overlap too much, they will not be able to co-exist. He will have to choose which identity will prevail, and he doesn't want to be forced to make that choice. Eventually, if you did marry, he would give up these ways entirely, or the marriage wouldn't work. But he's not ready for that yet. Luckily, you have worked it out for the short term. Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode about "killing independent George?" That is what this is about.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Wow, I'm glad I stayed off this thread until now. LB, I think your boyfriend is trying to keep his "individual" identity from mixing with his couple identity. He is a different person with you than he is in guy mode, and he is trying to keep those two worlds separate so that neither will threaten the other. That is the crux of what is driving his decision-making process. If these two worlds overlap too much, they will not be able to co-exist. He will have to choose which identity will prevail, and he doesn't want to be forced to make that choice. Eventually, if you did marry, he would give up these ways entirely, or the marriage wouldn't work. But he's not ready for that yet. Luckily, you have worked it out for the short term. Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode about "killing independent George?" That is what this is about. Thanks for the response. Honestly, I don't want him to give up his guy time. I think it's good not to spend every free moment with each other, and have other friends to go out with. I don't want him to give up his friendships, just like I wouldn't want him to make me give up mine. In my other thread people responded that I might be making a big deal out of him spending 4 weekends in a row with his freinds. I guess so, it's so weird not having him in our apartment this weekend. I miss him! I know he is having fun with his friend though. What you said is true, sometimes I do find that I am competing with his friends. I suppose I'm just afraid that I'm the one who is going to lose out. I guess that sounds kind of silly.
Art_Critic Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode about "killing independent George?" That is what this is about. My worlds are colliding..... If Relationship George walks through that door, he will kill Independent George! A George divided against itself, cannot stand !.. hahaha.. I loved that one... Worlds Collide Theory A theory which states that a man must keep his personal life (i.e. friends) separate from his relationship side (i.e. girlfriend). Should the two worlds come into contact with each other (by means of his girlfriend becoming friends with his friends), both worlds blow up.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for the response. Honestly, I don't want him to give up his guy time. I think it's good not to spend every free moment with each other, and have other friends to go out with. I don't want him to give up his friendships, just like I wouldn't want him to make me give up mine. In my other thread people responded that I might be making a big deal out of him spending 4 weekends in a row with his freinds. I guess so, it's so weird not having him in our apartment this weekend. I miss him! I know he is having fun with his friend though. What you said is true, sometimes I do find that I am competing with his friends. I suppose I'm just afraid that I'm the one who is going to lose out. I guess that sounds kind of silly. I think you missed her point. She's saying that he's trying to keep his individuality, which is inconsistent with being in a relationship. For the time being, the resolution you reached is acceptable. But if marriage is on the horizon, he must learn to shed that individual, "me" focus.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 I think you missed her point. She's saying that he's trying to keep his individuality, which is inconsistent with being in a relationship. For the time being, the resolution you reached is acceptable. But if marriage is on the horizon, he must learn to shed that individual, "me" focus. Yeah, that's how he feels I suppose. I remember he once told me that you can still maintain inviduality and interests and still be a couple. I understand that but I think that he sometimes he may feel that because all his friends are single, he feels like the "committed relationship" guy. I bet that razz him about that too. I still think that you can maintain some inviduality while in a relationship, but he still tries to keep two seperate worlds and it's hard for me.
Ariadne Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Oh no!!! I missed this whole thread... I just read all those responses. Laurie, are you in the apt now? How are things going? (Ps: If it were me I'd get the hell out of there, safe proof the apt, you know, put extra trash cans in diff rooms, cover the sofas, the carpet, plastic cups, buy snacks, make all the beds, etc etc)
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Oh no!!! I missed this whole thread... I just read all those responses. Laurie, are you in the apt now? How are things going? (Ps: If it were me I'd get the hell out of there, safe proof the apt, you know, put extra trash cans in diff rooms, cover the sofas, the carpet, plastic cups, buy snacks, make all the beds, etc etc) The little "get together" is next weekend actually. This weekend he went to visit his other friend in Ohio and they went to Cedar Point. I talked to him tonight and he said Cedar Point wasn't that great because it rained. He told me he tried to win me a prize from the arcarde games too! (he couldnt though) He says he misses me a lot. As far as next weekend goes: I'm going to go out with my friend Friday night drinking and then come back to the apartment where they are all going to be playing some card game or something (my bf said they aren't going out partying). and then coming back. Let's see how they like drunk girl invading THEIR party. (just kidding). Anyway then I'm going out with my sister Saturday night and spending the night at my parent's, then coming back Sunday. So really he's not going to have much "alone guy time." He's really not going to be messing the whole thing up (he's an anal neat freak). Like I said before he'll probably be passing out coasters for his friend's to put their beer on lol.
Storyrider Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Thanks Star, that is what I meant, along with his one-of-the-guys persona which may be very different from his boyfriend persona. He may not be able to play those roles simultaneously with much comfort. Art, yeah, that is exactly the episode I mean. Lets hope LB doesn't lick any envelopes...just kidding!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Thanks Star, that is what I meant, along with his one-of-the-guys persona which may be very different from his boyfriend persona. He may not be able to play those roles simultaneously with much comfort. Art, yeah, that is exactly the episode I mean. Lets hope LB doesn't lick any envelopes...just kidding! He tries to get me to socialize with his friends and I have hung out with them. I really don't have any problem with any of them..sometimes I do feel very left out though. We do have a lot of mutual friends though (couples we go on double dates with) so we do hang out with friends together a lot. He does try to "mesh" the two worlds I suppose, like all of us going out to the bar. And that's fun, I enjoy doing that. I guess it's more when they sit around and do "guy stuff" that's just not my thing. I don't think he should have to give that up though, should he?
Lishy Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 No, he or you should never give up your own life seperate from each other! You must have space to do what you want to with friends etc - That makes for a much happier/healthier relationship But it is slightly different when you have to be thrown out of your own home to accomodate it! He was wromg to do that, however nice he put it. He had other options but chose to inconvienience you
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 So really he's not going to have much "alone guy time." That doesn't sound like a compromise at all.
Lishy Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I do not believe he compromises much at all. LB, to me, seems like a really sweet girl who loves her bf very much and tries to make him happy. The problem when you try to make someone else happy is 1. they start to expect it and 2. you start to lose your own happiness. LB is now acting like it is fine to stay in a place that she was adamant about not staying at to begin with. She has convinced herself that she is ok about the situation and her boyfriend must love the fact that he can utter the right words and have her eating out of his hand. No way would I ever feel forced to leave my own home to make someone else happy. However he has dressed it up, he has still called the shots and LB is doing as she was told!
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I do not believe he compromises much at all. I was talking about LB, not her BF. I don't think she's compromising at all if she's "really not giving him his guy time" afterall.
Lishy Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 'guy time' is one thing Being kicked out of your house and having to stay in a place you do not want to stay in just so he can have his 'guy time' is quite another! Act like a doormat and you will get walked on!
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 We disagree, Lishy. He's clearly not kicking her out if she's choosing to stay. Not only that, but LB admitted within this thread that he merely SUGGESTED (not requested, not asked, not kicked her out) that for HER comfort she might want to stay somewhere other than where the drunkenness would be going down. She's simply allowed y'all to categorize it that way, if only to make herself look like the innocent victim in all of this. It's funny how everyone's always jumping on the BFs in these threads. They both have a long way to go.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 We disagree, Lishy. He's clearly not kicking her out if she's choosing to stay. Not only that, but LB admitted within this thread that he merely SUGGESTED (not requested, not asked, not kicked her out) that for HER comfort she might want to stay somewhere other than where the drunkenness would be going down. She's simply allowed y'all to categorize it that way, if only to make herself look like the innocent victim in all of this. It's funny how everyone's always jumping on the BFs in these threads. They both have a long way to go. I NEVER said he was kicking me out. That's a term that you all coined, NOT me. The purpose isn't to make myself look like a "victim" either. Actually I think a lot of posters have done the EXACT same thing, including women who have responded to my thread.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 He suggested that I go stay at my parent's (which is not an option, I think I would go crazy) or stay at a girlfriend's house the whol weekend. The only really good gf that I could consider staying with is a freind of mine, who is all about getting drunk and staying out till 5 in the morning (which is something I REALLY don't want to do.) First part of my original post. SUGGESTED! Re-read my original post, the purpose was NOT to make myself look like a victim. It was to get advice on the situation. Actually I don't think I ever once even eluded that he had "kicked me out". That was all of the other posters words not mine.
Art_Critic Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 They both have a long way to go. I don't think this is true SG.... They ARE in a relationship that they seem to always work out their issues.. They live with one another and that isn't easy.. they have both compromised for the good of the relationship and they seem to keep that the basic goal I personally feel that they have a very good relationship and with their age they will mature as time goes on.. Good for them.. They are learning the real and true secret to making it work
Recommended Posts