Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I like his friends, however I think they are a little immature in the way they look at relationship (his friend got divorced after being married for a year,so this is like his "unbachelor" party.) Most of them are concerned with partying and not so much committment. They may look at me as trying to take him away from them. Or YOU might feel that they would take him away from you, crazy bachelors that they are....?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Assume he see's your point, agree's with you, and the conversation goes well... will that make you happy with the situation as it is right now? Is that going to make you happy with what happened this weekend? I'm worried that this will cause resentment in the future, and if you can do something to avoid that, it will really help the relationship. Hmm, well I guess it would make me happy if he would agree to do something for me one weekend (like book a romantic spa or something) or do things I enjoy as a good way of showing his appreciation.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Alright everybody.. a big group hug .......... No way! I don't do group hugs or sing kumbaya!!
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I realize you're wise, T. I do. That's why I always welcome your advice. But you are a little quick to jump to conclusions sometimes. Perhaps I don't reach a conclusion soon enough (well, actually, "perhaps" isn't even right - I know that DON'T reach a conclusion soon enough). Thing is, weren't you just my age (30, maybe 33?) when you met your H? You're happily married now. So, while you're older, we've spent the same amount of time dealing with B.S. Thanks for saying that. And yes, you're right that I'm too quick to jump to conclusions sometimes. I once thought you'd found the "one." Remember? Everyone was saying otherwise. This was the one who moved away. I at first saw all the right things. He was treating you the way I thought you should be treated. So yeah, I'm not aways right. I didn't have enough info to go on. And I do sometimes just go with my gut on these things..rightly or wrongly. As for the rest. No. You act like I just stopped growing and having to deal with things since I was 33 and met H. NO WAY! Are you kidding me? I've dealt with loads since then. We've weathered many "storms" together. We've made many compromises along the way. Trust me on that one. Wow, if I ever implied it's been all "easy street" well I'm sorry for that. Yes, we're at a place now that's very good. It has been some time now. Maybe we've solved every issue that could ever come up between us! (Yeah, right...hahah, I should be so lucky.) But we've learned how to handle conflicts like these and other more serious ones. If I can help others I like to try. No one has all the answers though. And the dynamics are different with each couple. What will work for one couple won't always work for another. WALK, thanks! Nice to have someone agree with me for a change! And yes, LB you're learning how to live together harmoniously now. Talk to him. If after you talk he doesn't budge on his stance, then you've got an issue. But until then, I wouldn't worry so much about this.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Or YOU might feel that they would take him away from you, crazy bachelors that they are....? Hmm, that's an interesting twist. I'll get back to you on that one...
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I didn't think I was the one to drag you into it. If anything, I was starting a fight with T. (Love ya, T.) I simply stated that you have been cruel towards me, which you must admit, you have been (at times). But I also said that you've been quite supportive. I've never been deliberately cruel to you. I've given you tough advice and most definitely disagreed with your stance on many issues.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Hmm, that's an interesting twist. I'll get back to you on that one... I knew it...
Kamille Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I like his friends, however I think they are a little immature in the way they look at relationship (his friend got divorced after being married for a year,so this is like his "unbachelor" party.) Most of them are concerned with partying and not so much committment. They may look at me as trying to take him away from them. I have hung out with him and his freinds before, and they do talk about high school and guy stuff and I sort of sit there feeling out of place. (that paired with the fact that I am shy). I do try to talk to them and get to know them, but maybe they think that I don't because I am sometimes quiet around them. Well my question really wasn't about what they think of you. More why your boyfriend is so worried about you being more inconvenienced at being around his friends then you having to stay out of your appartment alltogether. In other words, did you ever give him any reasons to believe you don't like his friends by either critcizing them or judging their actions in front of him? Or is this just a case of he means well but is only complicating things for no good reason? Or, third possibility, and you seem to be leaning toward that one, he is just really guy-friends-whipped and wants to make sure that doesn't come undone on unbachelor weekend by keeping you as far away as possible from the guys.
Walk Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Hmm, well I guess it would make me happy if he would agree to do something for me one weekend (like book a romantic spa or something) or do things I enjoy as a good way of showing his appreciation. Do you think he'd agree to something like that? If I were in your situation, I'd incorporate that into the discussion. I think you need to set forth a resolution for the problem, give him a solution that will allow you to feel comfortable with what happened. Then give him a rough timeline, and a big huge. I'd spell it out for him too, so he understands what he needs to do, why he needs to do it, and when he needs to complete it. i.e. Discuss with him how you would appreciate him discussing plans like this with you prior to making them in the future. Then let him know how this instance made you feel, and a solution to how he can make it up to you. That's what I have found works best. I've tried sweeping past hurts under the rug after talking to my partner about the issue and him agreeing not to do it again... but I still carried around that bit of resentment over what had happened. I never felt that anything was done to make it up to me. That feeling would stay there, and inevitably my partner would do something again that made me feel taken for granted, or put out of my way, and those feelings would pile up. Eventually, it breaks the relationship if the two of you aren't able to find solutions to make up for those instances and remove the resentment. Please offer him some solutions on how he can make this up to you. Sometimes our partners aren't very good at figuring out what they can do to remove the hurt other then to swear they won't do it again. Its important to tell him what you need in order to feel most comfortable with the entire situation.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I knew it... Well all of you know that my insecurity does get the best of me sometimes. I know his friends mean a lot to him, but he says he loves me like crazy and I am the only one for him. So that does put my mind at ease a tad. I don't want him to chose his freinds over me or compete with them for him. I think he should give me special consideration however, because I do live with him.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Well my question really wasn't about what they think of you. More why your boyfriend is so worried about you being more inconvenienced at being around his friends then you having to stay out of your appartment alltogether. In other words, did you ever give him any reasons to believe you don't like his friends by either critcizing them or judging their actions in front of him? Or is this just a case of he means well but is only complicating things for no good reason? Or, third possibility, and you seem to be leaning toward that one, he is just really guy-friends-whipped and wants to make sure that doesn't come undone on unbachelor weekend by keeping you as far away as possible from the guys. I have never told him that I don't like his friends..yes they are immature sometimes and say crude things in front of me but oh well, they are guys. I have never bashed them in front of him, but maybe my bf thinks that they will act like crude guys while they are here, and he knows that it is a little annoying for me. Seriously these guys are immature.
Walk Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Well my question really wasn't about what they think of you. More why your boyfriend is so worried about you being more inconvenienced at being around his friends then you having to stay out of your appartment alltogether. In other words, did you ever give him any reasons to believe you don't like his friends by either critcizing them or judging their actions in front of him? Or is this just a case of he means well but is only complicating things for no good reason? . I assumed it had more to do with the fact that Laurie stated she's not a big partier. She mentioned she didn't want to hang out with her friend because the friend would want to stay out all night drinking. Maybe he's concerned Laurie won't have any fun, and he's worried that he'll be too focused on making her happy that he won't have the fun he really wants to have? That's how I interpreted what Laurie posted.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Well all of you know that my insecurity does get the best of me sometimes. I know his friends mean a lot to him, but he says he loves me like crazy and I am the only one for him. So that does put my mind at ease a tad. I don't want him to chose his freinds over me or compete with them for him. I think he should give me special consideration however, because I do live with him. Requiring respect in a relationship should not be considered special consideration. If you already look at it this way, you're going to be sunk.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 It may be a cross between him being "guy-whipped" and him not wanting to see his crude friends swear and act like drunk a-holes.
e.clipse Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 As for him being out to get her, find where I said that. Get with the program. that wasn't directed to you. not everything is about you, all right? Check my responses to LB. Have I once knocked your credibility in this thread or made any personalized comments to you until you dragged me into it? I can disagree with you without getting personal. Star didn't start anything with you. anyway: i really agree with Art, Laurie. you guys are both young, and i really think that he is trying to show with his friends. he wants to show your place, let them cut loose, and demonstrate that he can still have fun and party like a single dude. at least, i think that's what he is trying to demonstrate to his friends. IME, guys are juvenile like that, especially guys around his age. but keep in mind that just because he wants to look cool and tough in front of his friends, which is normal, albeit absurd, guy behavior, it doesn't mean that is what he wants. again, if he was doing this out of malice and complete and total disregard to his feelings, he would have people over and not care whether you stayed or not or were uncomfortable or not. you have to realize that he does have a right to have his friends over; you just need to clue him in that the way he approached the situation this time is not acceptable to you and he has to understand that. also, i'm sure the apartment will get messy, as is the norm for lets-get-totally-****faced types of parties/get-togethers. i don't think he will allow the place to get trashed, however. after all, it's both yours and his home. a notice that you don't want things wrecked is fine, absolutely. really, though, don't get all worked up. he is being young, in a way. sure, you guys are dating and living together, but you aren't married. and even if you were, it doesn't mean he can't have friends. you shouldn't be jealous or worried that his friends are going to brainwashing into thinking the single life is better. i personally think your BF is immature, but i think he does love you. maybe he isn't ready for any more commitment just yet, but i think the love is definitely there. the more you worry, the more things worsen.
Walk Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It may be a cross between him being "guy-whipped" and him not wanting to see his crude friends swear and act like drunk a-holes. Are you worried his friends will pull him away from you?
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 that wasn't directed to you. not everything is about you, all right? Oh okay. Pardon me for making that assumption since you quoted me.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It may be a cross between him being "guy-whipped" and him not wanting to see his crude friends swear and act like drunk a-holes. It's not up to your b/f to decide what you can see or not. It's up to you!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Are you worried his friends will pull him away from you? No, he actually is nothing like his friends (he doesn't make crude remarks or swear like a trucker). He acts a little more like a "guy" when he is around them I think but even then he's not crude or gross. Thats what I like about him. No, I don't think his friends will pull him away. He loves me like crazy, he tells me so everyday, and living together was a big step for us/him. So it just shows that he really is committed to us and to our relationship. I think he may have "pangs" of wanting to be single sometimes, but he always tells me how happy he is and how much he loves being with me.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 It's not up to your b/f to decide what you can see or not. It's up to you! True. I plan on talking to him tonight when he gets home from work, hopefully we will be able to work out some sort of compromise.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I posted this in the other thread that I mistakenly put in the other section. It's interesting how these guys can afford to fork out all this money for this weekend, yet need to save for the Vegas trip which is going to be totally expensive. Granted they all make decent money, I'm just a little curious why they couldn't wait 2 months to have a party weekend in Vegas. Hmmm...
Touche Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 True. I plan on talking to him tonight when he gets home from work, hopefully we will be able to work out some sort of compromise. Don't drive yourself crazy about the Vegas thing. Just talk to him, LB. Stay calm and be firm yet understanding. Good luck and let us know!
JP77 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It's not up to your b/f to decide what you can see or not. It's up to you! Women have no right to be intruding on a lads night out or in for that matter.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I posted this in the other thread that I mistakenly put in the other section. It's interesting how these guys can afford to fork out all this money for this weekend, yet need to save for the Vegas trip which is going to be totally expensive. Granted they all make decent money, I'm just a little curious why they couldn't wait 2 months to have a party weekend in Vegas. Hmmm... Isn't that because THIS weekend is an "un-bachelor" party, and the Vegas weekend is a bachelor party for someone else?
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