Karma101 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I have been dating a man for about 7 months who has been separated from his wife for just over a year now. We took things very slow and only in recent months had our relationship moved from casual dating to something more substantial, which included me spending time with his kids. It was good. Great in fact. Divorce proceedings have been undersway for a while now. They were not at all very civil with each other during this time of separation. She had cheated on him and remained in a relationship w/ this other man until very recently. A couple of weeks ago, she saw us together for the first time. Immediately after that, she began to text/call him and tell him that she missed him, wasn't sure she wanted to get divorced, etc. I immediately told him that I would back away and give him his space. He is understandably confused and conflicted and they certainly have a history that I can't deny (20 years). Of course, it seems quite fishy that she "suddenly" misses her estranged husband that she cheated on AND recently broke up with her own boyfriend AND saw the new girlfriend, but I guess it's not really my place to judge or over analyze the situation. But still, I can't help but wonder if her intentions are genuine or she's acting out jealousy or fear that he was finally moving on and seemingly happy with someone else. And of course I'm heartbroken. Should I have known better than to get involved w/ someone who's divorce was not final? Probably. But in all honesty, I did not see an attempt at reconcilliation coming based on our conversations about their "past". The pain seemed too run to deep for him to fully forgive her and rebuild their marriage. He says he doesn't know what he wants or if he could ever truly trust her again and that he's afraid he'll go back to her and that things will not change and that's he will have given up something with me that made him happy... In my head, I know I'm 2nd, and I can even understand that. But my heart is still breaking.
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Karma, It's not necessarily that you are "2nd" -- sometimes we can get more hung up on the 'twenty years' than we are concerned/interested in the actual other person who just happens to have been a constant during those two decades. I agree with your assessment though -- her timing does seem awfully 'coincidental', does it not? Suspicious and 'fishy', as you say. Is he getting counseling or some other unbiased perspectives from friends or family? You could ask him if he wants to hear how things look, from where you are sitting -- if he does, just list them as you did here: 1 AND 2 AND 3. Just the facts, without emotion or personal opinion. Maybe he just needs a bit of help to put all the pieces together -- they're staring him right in the face but maybe those 'twenty years' are putting a veil on some of what is clearly there for him to see. Sending hugs and good wishes -- yours is not an easy place to be.
Author Karma101 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Being divorced myself, I know all too well that we often see things how we "want" them to be as opposed to how they "really" are. As such, I did ask him about seeing a counselor and he didn't seem to think that she would agree to that. He did ask me opinion and I stated it exactly as I did here. He agrees that the timing is a bit too coincidental, but I guess he really needs to figure that out on his own. Although she recently broke up with her BF, from what he says, it was not because she had come to her senses and realized how much she missed her husband. That seems to be an after-the-fact. Funny, when my XH got involved with someone else after our divorce, that I initiated, I messed with him and tried to cause a bit of trouble. It wasn't right and I really don't know why I did it. Loss of control? Because I could? To be malicious? But I do know it was NOT because I wanted to reconcile. I know he cares about me greatly and that had his divorce been final and he had the necessary time to "grieve", we would still be together. Maybe 2nd isn't the right choice of words, maybe it's more like history with her. I just can't compete with that, not that I would ever try. I care about him greatly and I fear that he's not in a place to see the forest through the trees yet. None the less, her true intentions will surface, most likely sooner than later. It breaks my heart that she may hurt him again...
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 , I did ask him about seeing a counselor and he didn't seem to think that she would agree to that. No, actually I was thinking in terms of him getting individual counseling only, precisely so that he can find his own clarity and figure it out for himself. Put that another way, my thought is, "Scr3w her!" She doesn't sound too much like she gives a genuine rat's behind for him (but I totally recognize that's just my opinion based on your first post, and is a rather strong reaction on my part, too. BUT...if she wants to argue my opinion of her, she'll have to find me first ) Now, if HE asked my opinion, I'd say that you are the one for him. You care about him and want what will ultimately be in his best interest. You are prepared to make 'heart sacrifices' for that. Someone needs to help him get to a place from where he can clearly see this so that he can make a properly-informed decision. But okay. If this new development is a bit of your own Karma paying a visit -- maybe it is asking you to look deeper into your own motives around why you acted this way (with your ex) so that you can facilitate your b/f's understanding that her current behaviour is by no means an indication that she wants him back in her life permanently. That could be Karma too, I think. Best o' luck.
Author Karma101 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 This has definitely made me think about why I acted the way I did with my XH. All I can come up is that he was "mine" for 11 years and suddenly he was moving on and giving his attention to someone else. Maybe I was a bit jealous, even though I knew I didn't want him back myself. At any rate, it was selfish behavior that I now regret. I did tell my BF of my own behavior that was self-serving and not at all related to wanted to rebuild my own broken marriage. Again, nothing adds up. She did not end the relationship with this other man *because* she missed her husband *and* she immediately realized she missed him after seeing me with him. I understand people reconcile and work through their differences, but this doesn't seem like a heart-felt move on her part. Maybe I'm wrong, but my own heart tells me it won't work out for them. As far as the man I've been dating, he is very close to his family and I asked him if he has spoken to them about this development for a bit of outside perspective. He has not. I think he fears judgement for going back to the woman who cheated on him with a man/child half his age and actually continued on in a relationship for well over a year. Oh well...what can I do. Give him his space and heal my own broken heart. All I want is for him to be happy, even if that is without me. : (
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