RubyTuesday Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I posted here a few weeks ago about my husband and I having problems. I went out of town with our child to give us both space and time to think about things. I told my husband while down there that I feel emotionally neglected and that now when I go out with friends I want people to look at me/notice me, which I know is a horrible way to be. Well when I told him that he flew down to see me within 4 hours. He wanted me to leave and not be able to see or go out with my friends again before I left. So I came back and things have gotten worse. He is trying very hard to show me he cares, leaving me little notes, helping with our child, etc. However, he is smothering me. Every step I take he is right there, which is hard because before he would go hours without even glancing at me. He has gone through my computer and files-found nothing. Now he is calling my parents, emailing friends. He gets upset if I stay up talking to my friends, and is upset when I used our webcam to talk to my friends who live 3 states away. I have been leaning on my friends a lot, so as to prepare myself for the worst. He wants to put a time limit on how late I can talk to my friends. I told him as long as I get up with our child and do a good job taking care of her it shouldn't matter. I would rather talk to them then him. We both have agreed to try a different marriage counselor, at this point though I just want to leave. I would take care of my son during the daytime and he can see him every evening and on the weekends. I'm not trying to be mean, I just can't keep living with him constantly not trusting me. Everything I do is under scrunity and its driving me away. Is there any helpful advice?
Geishawhelk Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 "Feeling Controlled" is a bit of an understatement, isn't it? You need to leave this relationship. He is dominant, controlling and manipulative, but the failings are all in his character, not your behaviour. Such possessiveness is not natural. It's clinical. If it's every bit as stiffling and suffocating as you describe, you don't need counselling, he needs therapy. Urgently.
WTFOVERMAN Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Men are wired slightly different from women. You see his actions as controlling but when you threw the red flags, he went into protect mode. I totally understand where he is coming from when he was informed that YOU wanted space and that YOU wanted the attention from others. He is only trying to protect what HE knows to be HIS life. Your the typical walk away spouse who just dont want to work on your marriage. I bet you already know what you want and he has yet to be 100% in the know. Spare the man some heartache and just leave while he is down. He is bending over backwards for you right now and YOU see it as a sign of weakness and just down right pitiful. You might actually get a kick out of it because you see him hurting and want to pay him back for what he might have done to you. No need to kick sand in his face and drag him through the fire. Live your life with your new boyfriend and let him be. I bet your going to be really happy when you get what YOU want. Happiness is temporary when it is built on a foundation of lies and deciet. What happens in the dark will always come to light. I'm prepared for retaliation! Thick skin is on.
SingleDad Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Ruby Tuesday - There was a lot of great advice provided to you in your last thread. I believe a divorce is a worst case scenario when there is a young child involved - the advice given is because of how hard divorce is to go through. Realize a divorce is the tearing apart of tho people who have committed themselves to each other for life. You also have a 1.5yo daughter. It will not be pretty. Your H, indeed most spouses, will try to protect and save the marriage if they love their spouse. Emotions behaviors and actions will be extreme during this situation from both spouses - including a feeling of being controlled. I went from 198 to 168lbs (30 lbs) in one month from the anguish I was feeling when my Ex filed for divorce - I could not function - I did everything I could to try to change her mind to no avail. In the end, I gave her her freedom at the expense of the family unit, praying that she uses this freedom to understand what is really important. I continue to suggest you try to find yourself first- do things you enjoy. Get out of the house once in a while. Let your H know that it is for your own sanity and to save the marriage (not to end it). Good Luck.
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 We both have agreed to try a different marriage counselor, at this point though I just want to leave. Have you reflected on your purpose for agreeing to a new counselor? Would you participate in further counseling with the intention of improving your relationship? It seems to me that he could be trying to meet your stated need for emotional closeness and for him to notice/acknowledge you. I get that he's doing it in ways that you don't like (that are, quite frankly, totally dysfunctional)...but perhaps that's only because you haven't helped him uncover any better ways of doing it? What type of behaviours and activities would help YOU to feel the emotional closeness that you need and want? How do YOU want him to notice you and express his appreciation? Maybe he is just guessing at these things for lack of knowing, and maybe his not knowing how to 'fix' things (if they can be 'fixed) has left him feeling a bit desperate so he's resorting to rather desperate measures. Obviously he is guessing 'wrong' about what you need, but how much can be expected of him, without your own insight and input into your own needs and wants? Depending on the finer points, his current behaviour (crazy as it may appear to us and feel to you) is not necessarily all on him, IMHO. On the other hand, if you truly, deeply feel that your marriage is over, then 'fess up to that and face the consequences. End it in the most humane way possible -- which really is minimizing pain and suffering...those cannot be avoided, during a divorce. But giving him false hope about new counselors and such just ends up hurting more in the long run; it is cowardly and cruel...that is, if you already know that you are done and there is nothing that will save your marriage. Sending hugs and best wishes.
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