sao2 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I was playing around online and came across these eye-opening ideas. Cognitive dissonance: an uncomfortable feeling or stress caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a fundamental cognitive drive to reduce this dissonance by modifying behavior. Emotional investment: We've invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish. We don’t want to fail. We put to much into it. If we can’t make a sick soul like this happy, what makes us think we could make anyone happy…. Or anyone would be happy with us? The cognitive dissonance dilemma: minds must be made comfortable So what are we to make of all this? How are we to uncover truth when it seems that people who genuinely believe they are being honest are really deceiving themselves? When one part of the mind doesn't know what the other is doing? What's more, the 'self-esteem industry' may have actually encouraged our already strong natural propensity to seek relief from cognitive dissonance through rationalization. If the main imperative is to feel good about yourself at all costs (because you are 'worth it'), any behavior which indicates your character really could do with a bit more work would be likely to rouse intolerable tension - and you would be that much keener to justify yourself rather than deal with it. I really think we need to be braver, and willing to face what are sometimes uncomfortable truths about ourselves and our behavior. It's not just about thinking well of yourself Interestingly, self justifications don't always have to put us in a positive light - just a consistent one. People with low self-esteem will be uncomfortable with evidence that puts them in a better light, and therefore cling to low self-evaluations by explaining away their successes. Self indulgence or 'spirituality'? Some people may lack the self-knowledge or objectivity to know when they are being cowardly, lazy, cruel, or attention-seeking at the expense of others. But these self-same people may believe that they are 'working on themselves' by burning incense, using the word 'spiritual' a lot, or doing all manner of things they have been conditioned to believe have to do with self-improvement. Being an official man or woman 'of the cloth' may or may not be synonymous with being 'a good person'. A superficial spirituality is readily constructed from the outward forms of special modes of dress, distinctive jargon and ritual behaviors, and makes an excellent - and even outwardly convincing - relief valve and camouflage for any cognitive dissonance arising from a mismatch between behaviors and beliefs. In this way an entire 'identity' can become a form of rationalizing away bad behavior. The high cost of commitment exposes us to cognitive dissonance Cognitive dissonance is essentially a matter of commitment to the choices one has made, and the ongoing need to satisfactorily justify that commitment, even in the face of convincing but conflicting evidence. This is why it can take a long time to leave a cult or an abusive relationship - or even to stop smoking. Life's commitments, whether to a job, a social cause, or a romantic partner, require heavy emotional investment, and so carry significant emotional risks. In a way, it makes sense that our brains should be hard-wired for monitoring and justifying our choices and actions - so as to avoid too much truth breaking in at once and overwhelming us. This is why we send good money after bad when a financial decision seems to be back-firing, or clutch at the straws of a fading relationship, or 'send more troops' into ill-advised military adventures. Grow up - make cognitive dissonance work for you I guess we can't really develop unless we start to get a grip and have some personal honesty about what really motivates us. This is part of genuine maturity. If I know I am being lazy, and can admit it to myself, that at least is a first step to correcting it. If, however, I tell myself it's more sensible to wait before vacuuming, then I can go around with a comfortable self-concept of 'being sensible' while my filthy carpets and laziness remain unchanged. Cognitive dissonance can actually help me mature, if I can bring myself, first, to notice it (making it conscious) and second, to be more open to the message it brings me, in spite of the discomfort. As dissonance increases, providing I do not run away into self-justification, I can get a clearer and clearer sense of what has changed, and what I need to do about it.
Author sao2 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Alot of people may start posting on this thread about how dissonant your ex was. That may certainly be the case, but the real value of this is to see how dissonant we are in holding on to something that is gone after we have invested so much in it. I for one am willing to accept I have been dissonant after having invested so much emotionally in my last relationship. I am now free to move forward.
beautiful_stranger Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 whilst noticing and accepting the changes is one step forward towards maturity, it is the choices you make based on that acceptance that ultimately change your destiny. Moving on might be an option, but a differing approach towards your fading relationship may also be a choice. I guess my question is how do you know for sure that an emotional investment will not be fruitful? how do you know when to stop trying to "fix" a relationship when your heart tells you its right and your mind tells you otherwise? It seems like the making of the "right" choice is more difficult than noticing that something is wrong. Just a thought. =)
LikeCharlotte Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Cognitive dissonance can actually help me mature, if I can bring myself, first, to notice it (making it conscious) and second, to be more open to the message it brings me, in spite of the discomfort. As dissonance increases, providing I do not run away into self-justification, I can get a clearer and clearer sense of what has changed, and what I need to do about it.I very often talk about being honest with yourself about your motivations. This very same idea has helped me become stronger and more clear about my path. This is a very insightful post sao2. I would like to add that having a list of goals that are long and short term is very helpful in resolving dissonance.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 That may certainly be the case, but the real value of this is to see how dissonant we are in holding on to something that is gone after we have invested so much in it. I for one am willing to accept I have been dissonant after having invested so much emotionally in my last relationship. I am now free to move forward.A very large part of healing has been for me to be honest with myself. I was rejected plain and simple. I wanted the relationship and he didn't think it was worth more energy. I don't tell myself lies to feel better about that. I accept it as it is and I think that way of thinking has made me much more comfortable now. C'est la vive, rejection is part of life. I will find someone who thinks I am a valuable asset to their life.
Author sao2 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 To clarify, I actually didn't write all of that. I read it online and found it interesting.
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