I miss him

[Graduate]

I spent the last year abroad and a month before I left I met this great guy. For the last few weeks we were practically inseperable. Now I am back home on the other side of the world and miss him like crazy.

 

We realized there was no realistic chance of us continuing our relationship as we are both in our 30's with families, jobs, commitments, etc., so even though we exchanged phone numbers we did not make plans to stay in touch but treated it more as an "in case you ever come to my part of the world" detail.

 

I know in my head this is for the best and I should just be happy for what we had and move on with my life, but I find this so hard. I think about him constantly and am so tempted to give him a call. I don't know what I would say other than "I miss you", but it is always on my mind. I guess the only reason I have not called him yet is that he has not either and I don't want to appear weak and needy.

 

I am so depressed and don't seem to have the energy to do anything but think about him and miss him.

 

Anyone in a similar situation or has any advice?

[Ronni_W]

Graduate,

I am not in that situation now, but was once caught in that endless loop of obsessive thoughts and wanting and needing.

 

Your respective families and commitments are another, perhaps more significant, reason to NOT call each other.

 

But that doesn't really make the long walk back any more pleasant, does it? Perhaps just learning to cope with your feelings, until they dissipate -- which they will, after a really long time, and if you don't feed them.

 

Journaling helps to get the feelings out, which is important...but it also nurtures them, which isn't all that productive.

 

I started therapy and meditation as means to get a handle on my 'thought management'. They do help to get through the worst of the it.

And I signed up for classes to learn new skills and hobbies -- was also about finding other stuff with which to keep my mind occupied.

 

It's tough. At the time, I never came across anything that felt like useful or reasonable 'advice', really. So...I'll just send

Hugs and wishes that you'll find Guidance for your own coping and healing.

Ronni

[LikeCharlotte]

I know how you are feeling. I'm dizzy over someone very far away. I'm trying to keep some level of interest until I can visit but honestly I think he is getting frustrated after only a month. Maybe it is a bad idea but my friends tell me that nothing is impossible. Who knows? For now I'm taking it as it comes and hoping for the best whatever that may be. I can say that I feel pretty silly entertaining the idea. I can also say that the chances of him meeting someone or both of us getting to busy to keep an active interest is very big. At the same time I haven't been that quickly interested in someone or this thoroughly engaged in a long time. I've thought it over and for me it's worth taking a chance despite the obvious difficulty. Even if nothing comes of it I have a memorable experience and someone to visit.

 

I'm not sure I understand why you won't call. Do you have an email address? Can you write? I'm sure you have plenty to say to him. You can update him on whats been happening in your life and ask about his. I realize that you agreed that continuing a relationship would be impossible but you did exchange contact information. Is it possible for you to visit? You could at least remain in contact so that the possibility is there.

 

My advice is that you initiate contact so that at the very least you can actually visit someday. It would be a shame to never speak again. Pride and fear can really inhibit you if you let them. If you remain realistic you never know what could happen. Or, do you think you will become more attached and be heartbroken? I would be a little hurt but ultimately fine if nothing comes of my micromance.

 

Also, I am assuming both of you are single... right?

[Graduate]

Hi Charlotte,

thanks a lot for answering my post. I really need someone else's input on my situation.

 

The reason I am not calling is that he has not called either. It probably sounds stupid and petty, but I am taking his silence as a sign that he has decided there is no use staying in touch. Which might be wrong.

 

I can't send him an email, because he doesn't use the Internet, and he can't call or text me from his phone because his plan doesn't allow it. I am thinking if he really wanted to talk, he would go out and get a phone card, don't you think? I would love to call him, but I am not sure if that is a wise idea, seeing as there is probably no chance of a future for both of us.

 

I just wish I knew what he was thinking, when we were together he seemed really interested, but then, why have not I heard from him yet?

 

You are right, I am probably letting my pride get in the way here. Do you think I should call him?

 

A friend of mine just told me that she will be going on a business trip to California in 2 weeks and I could come along on a cheap ticket. So now I am thinking I have to go, but I don't know if it is the right thing to do? Maybe seeing him again will just prolong the pain and prevent me from moving on even longer?

 

Oh, and yes, we are both single. Though he is divorced with two teenaged-kids.

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi Charlotte,

thanks a lot for answering my post. I really need someone else's input on my situation.

No problem

 

The reason I am not calling is that he has not called either. It probably sounds stupid and petty, but I am taking his silence as a sign that he has decided there is no use staying in touch. Which might be wrong.

I can't call the far away guy because my plan doesn't allow it and right now I can't afford my phone bill let alone an international addition. So, you could be wrong. Honestly if it were not for internet I'd probably have just let it go because I would have no choice!

 

I can't send him an email, because he doesn't use the Internet, and he can't call or text me from his phone because his plan doesn't allow it. I am thinking if he really wanted to talk, he would go out and get a phone card, don't you think? I would love to call him, but I am not sure if that is a wise idea, seeing as there is probably no chance of a future for both of us.

 

I just wish I knew what he was thinking, when we were together he seemed really interested, but then, why have not I heard from him yet?

You will never know unless you reach out. Hey, it will give you a chance to get an address and tell him you might be able to come for a visit!

 

You are right, I am probably letting my pride get in the way here. Do you think I should call him?

Yes, and yes... nothing short of an engagement on his end would stop me but I'm obviously mad so I might not be the best judge.

 

A friend of mine just told me that she will be going on a business trip to California in 2 weeks and I could come along on a cheap ticket. So now I am thinking I have to go, but I don't know if it is the right thing to do? Maybe seeing him again will just prolong the pain and prevent me from moving on even longer?

Go! Go! Go! I'm almost jealous! Look, either way it hurts, right? Go for it! 2 weeks? Wow, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat! I'm assuming he is in California? I'm not missing something right? Where do you live?

 

Oh, and yes, we are both single. Though he is divorced with two teenaged-kids.

Then there is nothing stopping two adults from engaging in adult activities and interests. My question to you is... (and I am more practical than romantic, generally) What if you can have an epic romance and you miss your chance? Conversely, what if it is a total boring wash and you never are sure because you never tried and you spend the rest of your life wondering about nothing? The worst thing that can happen is that he will just not be interested, right? And that is how you feel already so why not? You can still look for someone local.

[Ronni_W]

Grad, I totally agree with Charlotte -- even if she is 'mad', as she says . One would rather be driven mad by love and passion than anything else, no?

 

Perhaps he hasn't thought about getting a phone card, or perhaps he has talked himself into the same doubts as you, or perhaps he is also feeling despair at the perceived futility of it all? But one never can tell how things will ultimately unfold.

 

I misinterpreted something else that you posted but I do totally agree with 'MadCharlotte' -- we all have to do our part if we want to partake of the utter 'madness' and mystery of Life. Wishing you a "happy ever after beginning"

[Graduate]

I took Charlotte's advice and contacted him via the Internet. At first he seemed distant and said he missed me because he was "bored without a bud". Which I took as a sign that he was telling me where we stood - just friends and nothing more.

 

But then when I said I might come back to the West Coast soon he got alle excited and said he had to get his place ready for a visitor. I implied that this was a bit forward and besides I did not know for sure whether I could afford a ticket to come see him as I will be in San Francisco and he lives in Nevada. So he said that he was going to pay for the ticket no matter how much it costs. How cute. I told him that I would afford my own tickets, or not come at all, but if I could not make it he was more than welcome to visit me in my country. To which he replied that he better start saving.

 

Yeah, I am so happy right now. To think that I was feeling sad and miserable for the last 3 days when I could have just called or texted him and found out where I stood.

 

Now I have no idea whether I can afford to go visit him, but I know for sure that I will do my best to scrounge up the money.

 

Thank you so much for listening to me and pushing me to do the right thing.

[FauxVowel]

I wish she would come on here and say I miss him, and then come over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111

[Graduate]

I wish she would come on here and say I miss him, and then come over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111

 

You never know, she might. I was quite set on not contacting him because of something stupid like my pride or fear of rejection. If I had not come on here and had people push me to reach out, I never might have.

 

Hope she reaches out to you too.

[allanDR]

Are you single or just bored of your mate? Kind of changes the whole situation here....

[Graduate]

Are you single or just bored of your mate? Kind of changes the whole situation here....

 

Are you asking me? I am recently single because of the long distance seperation, but right now it looks like we might be able to meet up again and possibly have a long-distance-relationship.

[LikeCharlotte]

Are you asking me? I am recently single because of the long distance separation, but right now it looks like we might be able to meet up again and possibly have a long-distance-relationship.

I'm very happy for you! I really hope you can get to see him soon. If I never get my chance (London is sooo far) I am going to live vicariously through you. :bunny:

Great news!

[Graduate]

Thanks Charlotte. Unfortunately I checked my finances and unless I win the lottery ASAP, I might not be able to afford a trip to see him. I am thinking about taking out a loan, but that would be a bit extreme, don't you think?

[Meaplus3]

I spent the last year abroad and a month before I left I met this great guy. For the last few weeks we were practically inseperable. Now I am back home on the other side of the world and miss him like crazy.

 

We realized there was no realistic chance of us continuing our relationship as we are both in our 30's with families, jobs, commitments, etc., so even though we exchanged phone numbers we did not make plans to stay in touch but treated it more as an "in case you ever come to my part of the world" detail.

 

I know in my head this is for the best and I should just be happy for what we had and move on with my life, but I find this so hard. I think about him constantly and am so tempted to give him a call. I don't know what I would say other than "I miss you", but it is always on my mind. I guess the only reason I have not called him yet is that he has not either and I don't want to appear weak and needy.

 

I am so depressed and don't seem to have the energy to do anything but think about him and miss him.

 

Anyone in a similar situation or has any advice?

 

I have been in your shoes once before so I can relate to what your going through. I realize that you miss him, however if you what to move past this and get over him it's best not to contact him. Time does heal all wounds, it's just a matter of riding it out. Good luck. Stay strong.

 

AP:)

[BIGGEST LOSER EVER]

good for you!

[sunshinegirl]

I'm going to be the Debbie Downer of this thread and say that I'm not at all encouraged by how he's acting.

 

First of all, he made no effort to contact you. We've come up with lots of excuses as to why, but I increasingly believe that when a man is interested, nothing will stop him from finding you. He has not been trying to find you.

 

So you find him. And at first he gives a lame "miss having a bud" line. That is NOT the voice of someone who is pining for you, missing you, wanting to be with you! And only when you explain that YOU are willing to do all the work to show up on his doorstep does he get excited.

 

So, basically, YOU are doing all the work. He gets to sit back and reap the benefits, without making an investment himself (eg you don't want to let him pay for tickets or whatever).

 

I have this lens, and this feedback for you, based on my recently-ended relationship. In retrospect, I realized that I was initiating more of the early stuff between us than he was - he was showing interest, but for anything to move forward, I had to nudge it along. Initiate the next step. And it ended badly between us. Twice.

 

I do not see this going well, at all.

[Graduate]

I'm going to be the Debbie Downer of this thread and say that I'm not at all encouraged by how he's acting.

 

First of all, he made no effort to contact you. We've come up with lots of excuses as to why, but I increasingly believe that when a man is interested, nothing will stop him from finding you. He has not been trying to find you.

 

So you find him. And at first he gives a lame "miss having a bud" line. That is NOT the voice of someone who is pining for you, missing you, wanting to be with you! And only when you explain that YOU are willing to do all the work to show up on his doorstep does he get excited.

 

Hi sunshinegirl,

thanks for your input. Unfortunately you are not the only one seeing it this way. My sister also tells me it would be a big mistake for me to fly over and see him. She thinks that nothing serious can come out of it and I will leave feeling hurt and missing him more than before.

 

The thing that bothers me most is the fact that he had not tried to contact me. Yes, it is more difficult for him than me, but if he really wanted to, he could have found a way.

 

I am convinced he is not a bad guy or trying to take advantage of me, he may just not be that into me (to borrow a phrase from SATC).

 

If I could just see this as a nice fling, knowing it will go nowhere, I guess I would be fine with it. But judging from my history in that regard (three long-distance-relationships) I am surely going to try and make more out of it. And if he is not interested in that, then I would be the one left feeling stupid and hurt.

 

Gosh, I wish I was more a head and not heart person. I guess best thing for me would be to ask him whether he sees this going anywhere. But we only spent a few weeks together. Even if we were living in the same city, this would be way too soon to ask a guy "Where is this going?" I guess I am screwed either way.

 

The one thing I am going to do (I promised my sister) is to not contact him again, but wait for him to contact me. If he is at all interested, he will get in touch with me, right? And if he doesn't, I got my answer right there.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi sunshinegirl,

thanks for your input. Unfortunately you are not the only one seeing it this way. My sister also tells me it would be a big mistake for me to fly over and see him. She thinks that nothing serious can come out of it and I will leave feeling hurt and missing him more than before.

 

The thing that bothers me most is the fact that he had not tried to contact me. Yes, it is more difficult for him than me, but if he really wanted to, he could have found a way.

 

I am convinced he is not a bad guy or trying to take advantage of me, he may just not be that into me (to borrow a phrase from SATC).

 

If I could just see this as a nice fling, knowing it will go nowhere, I guess I would be fine with it. But judging from my history in that regard (three long-distance-relationships) I am surely going to try and make more out of it. And if he is not interested in that, then I would be the one left feeling stupid and hurt.

 

Gosh, I wish I was more a head and not heart person. I guess best thing for me would be to ask him whether he sees this going anywhere. But we only spent a few weeks together. Even if we were living in the same city, this would be way too soon to ask a guy "Where is this going?" I guess I am screwed either way.

The one thing I am going to do (I promised my sister) is to not contact him again, but wait for him to contact me. If he is at all interested, he will get in touch with me, right? And if he doesn't, I got my answer right there.

 

I think this is really really wise. If I could turn back the clock in my own situation, I would have sat back and waited for E. to reach out/initiate. And he probably wouldn't have, which would have saved me over a year of dating, and falling in love with, someone who couldn't love me back.