wndergirl80 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm new here and this is my first post. It seems like you have a great community here, and I'm hoping to contribute to that. In this first post I want to describe the situation I'm in and see if people have any comments, thoughts, advice, etc. I've been with my bf for about 6 years. We've always had an open relationship of one sort or another- we've built up to a relationship where we're both comfortable with the other being physical with another person. We started just kissing other people, but a couple of years ago it got to be ok to have sex with other people, and we're both still fine with and happy about that. We both always wanted to have that kind of relationship, and it felt really good to get there and be there. But I never really felt comfortable with emotional intimacy with others- I want us to be the only emotionally significant romantic relationship that we experience. Recently, bf started visiting a girl from another country who is an exchange student in a town about 4 hours from where we live. She's a family friend and we saw her about once a month or so. I wasn't able to make one of the visits and they happened to make out a bit that time. Fine with me. But then he started planning all these trips with her or to visit her. This has all gone on for about the past 8 weeks. I felt a little jealous, but no big deal. About 5 weeks ago I had surgery and wanted bf to stay with me the week after my surgery- I didn't really NEED him to be there, but just wanted his company while I recovered. Well, it turned out that it was her last week in the US before returning to her country so he decided to spend it with her instead. I felt hurt by it but I understand the timing issue- it was really his last chance to spend time with her before she left the US. They never ended up having sex during that time- everything but and lots of hanging out. Again, I was sort of hurt and slightly jealous, but no big deal. A couple of days after he got back from the week with her, he told me that they'd fallen in love- this devastated me! For the last 4 weeks I've been trying to understand what this all means, what I want from the relationship, and if it really takes anything away from me or our relationship for him to be in love with this other girl. Now that she's no longer in the US, they've spent about an hour 3 or 4 times a week on the phone and they're planning a vacation together in January. I'm not ok with this. But bf insists that I should be and that it takes nothing away from me or our relationship. He feels that I'm stifling him, and he won't let me talk to the girl about it to find out what she thinks is going to happen or what her expectations are. Does she think she's going to be like a second girlfriend to him or something? I don't want that. Now I'm at a point where I've been dealing with this for several weeks, sometimes being ok with it and sometimes crying my eyes out on the bathroom floor. He's sick of my obsession with it, and I'm sick of the whole thing. I want to just let him do what he wants and get over the jealousy and insecurity I feel, but I haven't been able to do that in all the time I've been dealing with it. I know this may seem like an odd story, or an odd relationship to many of you, but considering our ideals that being sexual with others is ok, I'd like to hear what you all think. I feel like my hurt will never go away and this other relationship they have does not seem to be ending anytime soon. I just don't know if I can deal with that, but I love my bf like crazy and all I want is to be with him.
trubella Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 i think you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you could be replaced by this chic. because it looks like hes pretty invested emotionally with her and its getting serious. with the occasional fling you didnt have to worry much. where does that leave you both, now that he says hes in love with her? kindof a sticky situation which is part of why ive never been pro-open relationships, but i think hes downplaying your feelings on the matter. i wonder what she knows about your R with him, and if this chic feels the same way that your bf does.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I did the 'open' thing and if there is one thing I learned it is this - regardless of how well things are going, the balance is always going to tip in the OP's favor from time to time. Your SO will take from your relationship and give to another as he/she gets more emotionally invested. Your relationship will ebb and flow accordingly. Sometimes someone else might be getting the bulk of his affection and time, other times you will. You will not have the 'perfect' open relationship where the only 'outside' thing is sex. Emotions come into play with the OP whether you can handle it or not. Finding an outside partner who is 'sex only' is pretty much impossible unless the outside person is a prostitute. The risk you take is that one day he might meet an outside person and decide to tip the balance wholly in her favor. That happened in my marriage. It took years to get my marriage back. Years. And we are still in the process of reconciliation and I expect we will be for a while. No more 'open' - we mutually agreed on this - the risk of losing each other again is too great. Your willingness to be open should be a direct match with how willing you are to accept that you can lose each other as a result. How to handle your hurt? Don't bottle it. You have become the FWB and he has tipped the emotional balance in her favor. Open relationships aren't about grinning and bearing it - they are about sharing even the most hurt and confusing emotions. Understand this: he will become defensive and hold you to that 'open' part as a way of holding on to this other person. The fact that he is protecting this girl from you and refusing to talk to her says one thing: you have gone from an open relationship to a closed one with an infidelity clause. The second he closes off that outside relationship is the second that the door closes on yours. You and he need to talk about this. Seriously. He has got to stop with the 'stifling' BS and tell you the truth. He is hiding the truth from you and lying about the "it won't affect our relationship". It is affecting it. And he needs to know that. You will want to accept that your relationship with him is winding down. If he continues to stay with this girl, your relationship with him will end.
Author wndergirl80 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 thanks, guys, for your thoughtful responses, i think you're right that i'm being pushed out in favor of this other girl. and i don't like it one bit. spoke to bf about it this morning, calmly and rationally explaining my feelings, and he just tried to convince me (once again) how my feelings are wrong and if i didn't feel that way there would be no problem in the relationship. before we had the discussion i had decided that if he would not compromise and if he would not acknowledge the validity of my feelings, i'd break up with him. so i did. he said he thought i was making a mistake and that it's my feeling that tore apart the relationship, not his feelings or anything he's done. the discussion didn't go on for long and he left. what to do now? a part of me is just wanting this to all be over with. another part is just wanting him. basically, i want him without the other girl, but i don't think that's going to happen. a tiny part of me is hoping that he'll realize that i'm putting my foot down here and being honest and that he'll realize that it's broken us apart and he'll want to come back and make some changes. but i'm sure that's not an entirely healthy way to look at it. ick! this sucks and i just want it to go away.
sally4sara Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You did the right thing. The only way a relationship like that has a snowballs chance of making it is when BOTH people can see how their actions effect the other. If he is maintaining the your feelings are "wrong", he isn't doing this. Right now, he wants what he wants and doesn't want you bringing him down. And I don't think he is being honest with either of you or he wouldn't get in the way of you talking with the girl. What he wants amounts to adding another person of equal importance to the dynamic making it a relationship between 3 people. How could that possibly work if you can't talk to her? You did the right thing.
Author wndergirl80 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 thanks, Sally4 for telling me i did the right thing. i'm all confused right now so it's nice to get that reassurance! he really messed with my head to the point where i'm feeling guilty about "ruining" things for him. but thank you, thank you, thank you! i will remind myself of your words when i'm second-guessing my decision.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 thanks, Sally4 for telling me i did the right thing. i'm all confused right now so it's nice to get that reassurance! he really messed with my head to the point where i'm feeling guilty about "ruining" things for him. but thank you, thank you, thank you! i will remind myself of your words when i'm second-guessing my decision. You should not have feel like a third wheel. Are you sure that you want this open relationship thing? It doesn't sound like it's working all that well.
Keridan Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You did do the right thing. It is a complicated situation and I can understand why you are upset. You went into the relationship thinking to separate the feelings from the physical. You decided that both of you could go elsewhere for the physical, but the emotional was to be completely between the two of you. For that to work, he has to make the same agreement. If he did, he broke it. If not, he wasn't going to agree. Either way, the relationship was in trouble once he crossed the physical/emotional line. Some people think open relationships make it impossible to cheat. It's not true. He cheated and doesn't even see anything wrong with it. You are better off finding someone who has a closer concept of a relationship to yours. I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean you won't miss him. Breaking up just plain sucks. No matter what the situation. You are very emotionally invested in this man and the relationship ended. You still did the right thing. I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. It sounds like you are a very sweet woman. I hope that you find someone who makes you happy and that things get better for you!
Bradie Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think you did the right thing. He was being disrespectful of you and how you felt, and you can't really have any sort of relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.
xjohnsgirlx Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 i didnt get to reading all the responses so i dont know if someone has already said this .. but i think ur in love and your after the one on one relationship no open doors for other people which is perfectly fine. Your jealous because he is being emotional with this other girl? when you wud prefer him come to you first. lol i dont know if this is going to sound silly or not but its kiinda like the movie 'lisence to wed' the chick doesnt realise how much she wasnt giving to the dude until it wasnt there ne more and that she had to go to him first not the friend .. (if that made ne sense) i wish you the best of luck, i really hope you can work everything out ps tho it does sound a lil wierd how he could not come to terms with ur emotions on him going to this other girl
cjanee Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I understand that kind of pain where you are crying on the bathroom floor. My guy went with the OW on a trip and it devastated me! He was up front about no commitment etc but it still hurt like hell much like in your situation where both of you agreed on the terms but the situation hurt you anyways! Anyway you look at it. He betrayed you. That is why it hurts. He wasn't honest about his intentions with her and he waited until he was in love with her before demanding that you accept the situation. This guy is pretty selfish! The fact that it does not occur to him how hurtful this has and is for you is kinda scary. He wants is CAKE and he wants to EAT it too. He needs to grow up. Intimacy is about honesty, trust, commitment, working through conflict. If he is with her the same time he is with you then the next difficulty they find themselves in (and trust me their honeymoon will end), he will run back to you. Then when things get difficult with you he will run back to her. It seems to me that this man has some serious intimacy problems. I have a sense that you gave him what he wanted thinking that he would see the light and commit to you. I could be wrong but thats my sense. I did the same thing only my guy wasn't honest at all. Actually he recently asked for an open relationship and your thread has helped me realize that that cannot be an option. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there. I am on NC with my guy and trying to move forward as well.
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