I feel like a complete failure

[chevelle1980]

Wow. I never thought I would be writing on a forum about how I cheated and had a one night stand, I feel like complete crap. It just happened this 4th of July. I went out of town with my girlfriend for some R&R (my husband had to work). Anyways, getting to the point, I got really stupid drunk and ended up doing it with a guy I had met that was staying at the same hotel as us. I have never felt worse in my life. Right when I got home I confessed everything to my husband. I broke his heart.I smashed it. I don't think I have ever cried that much. I know what I did was stupid and messed up beyond everything, and I do not in anyway blame it on the alchohol. I did this, I screwed up. I just feel so bad, so very, very bad. It was such a horrible thing to do to the man that I love so much.

 

Out of all this crap came two positive things:

# 1 - I now know that I have a serious drinking problem that I have been deyning since my early 20's. I am 28. And I now know that I need to get into a program for help. It just sucks that it took me getting really wasted and cheating on the man who means everything to me.

 

# 2 - My husband has forgiven me and wants to work it out as long as I quit drinking for good and get help, which I more thatn want to do.

 

It's really sad when you cheat and from the cheating and stupidity you realize that you have suffer from serious alchohol abuse.

 

I am still having severe guilt, and I know it's normal for someone who is truly sorry for what they did, like me, but is it going to get easier? I am so sad and ashamed of what I did and disappointed in myself that it is consuming me. Even with my wonderful husband, who I do not believe I deserve, sticking by me, I still feel like complete crap. I feel as though I have failed as a wife, and that I will keep wollowing in this guilt.

[D-Lish]

Well, def get that help for the alcohol consumption. If your husband is willing to forgive you, then I would work on forgiving yourself and take this opportunity to help yourself.

 

I def have a drinking problem- but even in my worst state... I haven't slept with someone I didn't want to, and I am single with no one to answer to but myself. I think the one nighter indicates that something else is going on besides the alcohol. I'd explore why that happened too.

[chevelle1980]

There have been feelings in me lately regarding my marriage where I felt bored and lonely. I did explain these to my husband, but nothing ever seemed to change. I didn't want to say anything about that because people might see that as a cop-out.

 

But you are right about it not totally being about the alchohol. There are a lot of issues that I have that I need to explore.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[D-Lish]

Well, why not get into some couples therapy in conjunction with a 12 step program?

 

You don't just want to address the alcohol issue but leave the other issues unattatended. It's probably pretty important to ask yourself why you are bored and get those issues on the table.

 

I have learned that alcohol is an escape... so what are you escaping from? If you truly want to turn things around with your marriage and your life, there's no better time to address all the things that are contributing to you feeling down and restless.

 

I think the affair could have been a call for help where your marriage is concerned. Sometimes when we feel like we are talking out loud and no one is listening, we turn to extreme measure to get the attention we desire. I don't know for sure- but your situation and subsequent confession to your husband seems like a real call for help. You could have just kept it to yourself, or kept on having affairs flying under the radar- but you didn't- you came clean right away about it. I don't know- that certainly says something though.

 

What do you want to see happen ideally, for both you and your marriage?

[chevelle1980]

I had to come clean...I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn't even fathom what I did. It felt like a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. What's sad is that my husband is the greatest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever met, and he loves me so much. I think that's what killed me most about what I did. I couldn't believe how stupid I could be.

 

I want us to work things out. I love him soo much it hurts. In a way you are right, why I did it could be a cry for help. I have been so lonely and depressed lately, mostly feeling alone though. Most of the time I am by myself. My husband works nights and works 4 days a week and then is off for three days. His schedule sucks. Saturday's are usually spent alone since he is sleeping all day, so the only real time we have to spend together is on Sunday's and when I get home from work on Monday's, and then for a few hours the rest of the week.

 

It is very hard on me, and I know him too.The state we live in is not where I'm from, so I do not have a lot of friends up here. It's just a very frustrating and sometimes sad situation. And honeslty, that is why I drink. I drink to numb my loneliness and to escape.

 

I do know that when I went out of town with my girlfriend this past weekend, I was honeslty not looking for a guy to screw. I was def not looking to cheat. It just happened and it sucks. I am not the type of person either where I could just let it slide and not tell my husband. I HAD to tell him.

 

In a way I am happy I was up front and honest about it, but seeing him cry and knowing that I broke his heart hurt and still hurts me more than anything. I know things won't ever be the same as they were beofre but I am willing to do anything to save myself and my marriage. We are going to go to marriage counsling, and I will go to a 12 step program. I might even get my own separate counsler to talk to one-on-one.

 

All I know is that I need help to address these issues I have and I know that my husband truly does love me and is willing to work it out. I say I am a pretty lucky girl to have him in my life.

 

Thank you for replying. You have honestly made me feel better about my situation.

[D-Lish]

I had to come clean...I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn't even fathom what I did. It felt like a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. What's sad is that my husband is the greatest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever met, and he loves me so much. I think that's what killed me most about what I did. I couldn't believe how stupid I could be.

 

I want us to work things out. I love him soo much it hurts. In a way you are right, why I did it could be a cry for help. I have been so lonely and depressed lately, mostly feeling alone though. Most of the time I am by myself. My husband works nights and works 4 days a week and then is off for three days. His schedule sucks. Saturday's are usually spent alone since he is sleeping all day, so the only real time we have to spend together is on Sunday's and when I get home from work on Monday's, and then for a few hours the rest of the week.

 

It is very hard on me, and I know him too.The state we live in is not where I'm from, so I do not have a lot of friends up here. It's just a very frustrating and sometimes sad situation. And honeslty, that is why I drink. I drink to numb my loneliness and to escape.

 

I do know that when I went out of town with my girlfriend this past weekend, I was honeslty not looking for a guy to screw. I was def not looking to cheat. It just happened and it sucks. I am not the type of person either where I could just let it slide and not tell my husband. I HAD to tell him.

 

In a way I am happy I was up front and honest about it, but seeing him cry and knowing that I broke his heart hurt and still hurts me more than anything. I know things won't ever be the same as they were beofre but I am willing to do anything to save myself and my marriage. We are going to go to marriage counsling, and I will go to a 12 step program. I might even get my own separate counsler to talk to one-on-one.

 

All I know is that I need help to address these issues I have and I know that my husband truly does love me and is willing to work it out. I say I am a pretty lucky girl to have him in my life.

 

Thank you for replying. You have honestly made me feel better about my situation.

 

Things may never go back to being "the same" after this... but perhaps things can be different in a good way. There's nothing worse than not being alone- but being lonley. It's a frustrating and horrible feeling.

 

I was there- my ex husband worked in Ohio while I lived in Ontario. I always felt so alone- and he was gone for weeks at a time often.

 

You are lucky to have an understanding husband who wants to work on the relationship with you. I think that's going to be a tremendous bonus in your recovery as a couple.

 

Sometimes it takes something extreme to force a change. The affair was obviously both your rock bottom and defining moment. He's giving you a second chance- so embrace it and make your life better.

 

I know that having the affair is killing you, but you came home and came clean right away. Now you have a chance to make things better. Maybe you even pushed your own boundaries in order to force this change.

 

It's fresh, what has happened, so it will take some time to reconcile with what has happened- and the road to recovery with the alcohol issue won't be an easy one.

 

I understand the whole using alcohol to numb pain and negate the lonley feelings. When the time comes, it will be important for you to forgive yourself. Not that you are not responsible for your actions- but recognize you are human. We all make mistakes.

 

Telling him was brave of you man- and so is facing your problems head on.

[chevelle1980]

I think that is what I am having a hard time understanding, is that I am human. I mean, I know I am, I just never thought in a million years I would be a cheating wife.

 

But I also know whats done is done, it was a bad choice, a horrible mistake, and I know in order to grow and learn from this I need to move on, get the help I need, and work with my husband.

 

By the way, you are a very smart lady. I really do appreciate you replying to this thread of mine. You have a good knack for giving advice. I am happy you weren't one of those people who go on forums and tell people they suck for what they have done.

[D-Lish]

Well, I am not a fan of passing judgement. People with insight, regret and a desire to make things better don't deserve it. People that pass judgement and come out swinging just piss me off.

 

Who doesn't make mistakes right?

 

I have a lot of respect for people that post the truth and truly want help... It's hard to post your dirty laundry, even though it's anonymous.

 

I can also relate to your situation- the feeling lonely in a marriage and also making bad decisions when alcohol is involved.

 

It's pretty liberating, not to mention brave, to acknowledge your mistakes and face your issues head on.

[misternoname]

When my wife and I were first married she did something very similar. She swore it would never happen again and I forgave her. Over the course of our 24 year marriage, she cheated again and again. The last affair finally put an end to an otherwise good marriage. Looking back, I realize that we never really fixed anything...just put bandaids on a hemmoraging problem. We never did couseling and she never got down to the root of her compulsion.

 

My point is this...if you really desire to fix this and continue your marriage it is absolutely imperative that you do several things.

 

1. SEEK COUNSELING AND STICK TO IT

 

2. Make a conscious decision to not put yourself in situations that could lead to this behavior. Obviously your alcohol use is a contributing factor. Avoid girls nights out/trips, etc. Many of my wife's affairs started with drinking and partying at bars with her girls friends. We all know why guys go to bars. Stay away from "meat markets" without your spouse.

 

3. Earn his trust again by being an open book. Each and every time she strayed it started with suspicious behavior...secret email, locked phone, lots of incoming text messages, unexplained absences, et.

 

4. Give him lots of time to heal. Infidelity creates pain and suspicion that takes a long time to get over. Be patient!

 

 

I hope your situation improves. Had I known what I know now, I would have bailed years ago. The choice to stay was mine, but she never did her part. Now I'm single at 44. Best of luck...it's a long, hard road ahead.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think it says a great deal that you confessed immediately. This was very good. I have to disagree with you a bit. Things do not just happen. You made a choice to get serious drunk and have sex with some guy. It did not just happen out of your control. What would you have said if your husband did the same thing and told you he was not looking for it but it "just happened."

 

By the way, you better get tested for STD's immediately. The last thing you want to do is put your husband at risk. I assume this other guy was a complete stranger so you really put yourself at great heath risk.

 

It is very good that you are going for counseling. As far as helping your husband ask yourself the following question: If the roles were reversed, what would you want and need from him now? This will give you hopefully an idea what to do for him now. Remember your husband right now is in shock. He feels totally humiliated and disrespected and probably questioning your desire for him sexually. You have a lot of work to do and I feel from your confession to him that you will succeed. I wish you luck.

[bish]

Wow. I never thought I would be writing on a forum about how I cheated and had a one night stand, I feel like complete crap. It just happened this 4th of July. I went out of town with my girlfriend for some R&R (my husband had to work). Anyways, getting to the point, I got really stupid drunk and ended up doing it with a guy I had met that was staying at the same hotel as us. I have never felt worse in my life. Right when I got home I confessed everything to my husband. I broke his heart.I smashed it. I don't think I have ever cried that much. I know what I did was stupid and messed up beyond everything, and I do not in anyway blame it on the alchohol. I did this, I screwed up. I just feel so bad, so very, very bad. It was such a horrible thing to do to the man that I love so much.

 

Out of all this crap came two positive things:

# 1 - I now know that I have a serious drinking problem that I have been deyning since my early 20's. I am 28. And I now know that I need to get into a program for help. It just sucks that it took me getting really wasted and cheating on the man who means everything to me.

 

# 2 - My husband has forgiven me and wants to work it out as long as I quit drinking for good and get help, which I more thatn want to do.

 

 

Forgive you he may have, but you destroyed what he thinks of you forever. You are no longer the person he married. Never be sucked in by a false sense of security thinking that everything is great in the future. It may be good and on the surface everything may seem ok with him.

 

But don't think for one minute that he won't secretly bottle up any resentment when he is reminded by what you did. I say this so that you don't think that he has forgotten. Because if you think that, then you will slip again.

 

 

It's really sad when you cheat and from the cheating and stupidity you realize that you have suffer from serious alchohol abuse.

 

I am still having severe guilt, and I know it's normal for someone who is truly sorry for what they did, like me, but is it going to get easier?

 

I don't know. I can't tell you one way or the other. I have never cheated so I don't know what its like.

 

 

I am so sad and ashamed of what I did and disappointed in myself that it is consuming me. Even with my wonderful husband, who I do not believe I deserve, sticking by me, I still feel like complete crap. I feel as though I have failed as a wife, and that I will keep wollowing in this guilt.

 

Well if you get better and he is willing to forgive you and help you kick the alcohol addiction, then the only way I can see you can get rid of the guilt is put all you energy into your husband.

 

And weekends away from your husband with the "girlfriends" are over. Alchohol isn't an excuse. All it did was bring out in you that which you dont' have the guts to do when sober. That being the case, you can't handle the "girls nights out".

 

Did your husband ever say any stipulations of him forgiving you? Did he say anything like no more weekend getaways with "the girls"? He'd be a fool to put up with it from here on out.

[bish]

There have been feelings in me lately regarding my marriage where I felt bored and lonely.

 

Thats marriage for you. Some people can handle it when things cool down, some can't.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's really sad when you cheat and from the cheating and stupidity you realize that you have suffer from serious alchohol abuse.

I am still having severe guilt, and I know it's normal for someone who is truly sorry for what they did, like me, but is it going to get easier? I am so sad and ashamed of what I did and disappointed in myself that it is consuming me. Even with my wonderful husband, who I do not believe I deserve, sticking by me, I still feel like complete crap. I feel as though I have failed as a wife, and that I will keep wollowing in this guilt.

 

Yes, you have failed. Lot's of people do. Now is the time to step up to the plate and fix things. Stop blaming the alcohol so much. You did what you did because you wanted to. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, it doesn't put thoughts in your head!

 

Don't wallow in guilt. That is self serving and gets you nowhere. Trust me I know this.

 

I had to come clean...I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn't even fathom what I did. It felt like a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. What's sad is that my husband is the greatest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever met, and he loves me so much. I think that's what killed me most about what I did. I couldn't believe how stupid I could be.

 

Hmmm... from your description it sounds like you felt comfortable telling him because you knew he was not going to leave you. Maybe thats why you did this in the first place.

 

You need to sit down and really come to terms with how you see your husband. Do you really respect him? You can't love someone you don't respect.

 

Things may never go back to being "the same" after this... but perhaps things can be different in a good way. There's nothing worse than not being alone- but being lonley. It's a frustrating and horrible feeling.

Sometimes it takes something extreme to force a change. The affair was obviously both your rock bottom and defining moment. He's giving you a second chance- so embrace it and make your life better.

 

D, I really don't like this statement in that context. The moment we start to see an affair as a POSITIVE, then we lose a big portion of what we need to make a healthy relationship.

 

So, all of this could have been fixed plus made better. Now the relationship is damaged permanently.

 

You realize that when things like this happen you lose more than trust right?

[D-Lish]

D, I really don't like this statement in that context. The moment we start to see an affair as a POSITIVE, then we lose a big portion of what we need to make a healthy relationship.

 

 

I wasn't implying the affair was a positive instrument to affect a change, only that it was a catalyst. It happened, and was disturbing enough to force C to open her eyes to both her problem with alcohol and the problems in the marriage.

 

Tha affair wasn't a positive- but perhaps, from this, a positive change can occur.

 

When someone is an alcoholic, sometimes hitting that rock bottom is a defining moment for us. This was an extreme act- and a cry for help. That's all I meant, that this affair was her catalyst, and hopefull now it will affect a positive change as an outcome.

 

I think I was addressing the alcohol consumption moreso with that statement- because it is a perspective I have experience with.

 

There are multiple problems going on here- and it's just time to face them and go through the steps of making her life better.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I wasn't implying the affair was a positive instrument to affect a change, only that it was a catalyst. It happened, and was disturbing enough to force C to open her eyes to both her problem with alcohol and the problems in the marriage.

Tha affair wasn't a positive- but perhaps, from this, a positive change can occur.

When someone is an alcoholic, sometimes hitting that rock bottom is a defining moment for us. This was an extreme act- and a cry for help. That's all I meant, that this affair was her catalyst, and hopefull now it will affect a positive change as an outcome.

I think I was addressing the alcohol consumption moreso with that statement- because it is a perspective I have experience with.

There are multiple problems going on here- and it's just time to face them and go through the steps of making her life better.

 

If she sees this as a "catalyst" for positive change... then it is a positive. Which is a misnomer, because nothing about this is positive. Even if this does get her into treatment and AA.

 

There are multiple problems, and it's going to hold back the process of fixing these, and creating a Loving relationship, if she has mentally attached the cheating to the positive results.

 

You have to just believe me on this. It very much affects how you relate to your spouse.

 

I see a lot of people here talking about affairs as a trust issue. It's also a respect issue... and I think that is much more important to a relationship. Realize that there are a lot of men who would rather be respected than loved.

[chevelle1980]

Everything D has said rings true, for me. In no effin way was I going out "looking" to cheat. Honestly you can think what you want, but you DO NOT know me. You have your opinions, and that's fine, but you do not know how I feel and you DO NOT know all of the circumstances. If you "read" all of what I said earlier, you would have saw that from my own words, I DID NOT blame alchohol in ANY way. The only thing or person I blame is myself for being so effin stupid.

 

But D is right, I made a mistake and I am truly sorry for what I did, and the only person who should be passing any kind of judgement on me right now is my husband. And you know what, I am probably the luckiest girl in the whole world, because he has stepped up and a man and a loving husband and forgiven me. He knows first hand everything about me. He knows when I drink it changes me.

 

Also, this was NOT an affair. It was a STUPID ONE NIGHT STAND MISTAKE, which is horrible I know, so no one needs to reply to tell me what I already know. I already feel horrible enough. And DUH about having to get tested for STD'S. That an effin given!

 

D is right about another thing. I have been in severe denial about my drinking. It has only gotten worse and my husband has tried to help, I just didn't want to listen because I was so far gone. I am what you call a functional alchoholic. And again, if Fire and all those other people who felt like putting me down REALLY READ what I had written, you would see that, as sad as it is, really was my rock bottom, just like D said.

 

I'll say it again since some people don't know how to read, it's sad when you hit rock bottom by cheating on your spouse to only then realizing, "wow, I really do have a problem". And it's not sexual, I have a drinking problem. And I am going to get help! Sometimes we have to fall hard to realize our problems, but we have to remember that in order to survive and move on we have to pick ourselves up, and this means realizing we have a problem and get help for it. I have been through a lot in my life and I am a survivor. This is just another fork in the road of my life where I raelly see now that I need help and I need to choose the right path.

 

My actions were unspeakable, but I am sorry for what I did. If I wasn't sorry or didn't care I wouldn't have said anything to my husband. But, I love him with all my heart and wanted him to know. I honeslty thought that he was going to leave me, but I asked for his forgiveness and for his help.

 

I have spoken to my husband and in order for our marriage to be saved I HAVE to stop drinking. And since I REALLY DO LOVE HIM, I am willing to and WANT to do this, that is why I am going to get help. I do not ever, ever want to cheat or hurt him ever again.

 

For D and all the others who wished me luck and recognized that I knew what I did was horrible and could see that I WANT and NEED to change, thanks for your comments and support. This situation is the worst and I feel sick to my stomach about it, so all of the support was really nice to read, so thanks again.

[Untouchable_Fire]

That's not what I meant and you know it!

 

I'm not trying to put you down. You just need to keep a clear perspective on things.

 

Make sure and set your attitude right... otherwise your setting traps for yourself down the road. I know this intimately. I've been in your shoes and I completely screwed it up. Took me a year or so... but I did.

 

So, when I say, don't wallow in guilt, don't allow yourself to see this as any kind of positive. I know what I'm talking about.

 

I wish you luck!

[Walk]

Chevelle, you had a lot of guts telling your husband.

 

I think that act will probably go a long way toward allowing your husband to feel more comfortable with attempting to work through this. You two have a long, hard road to travel still.

 

As far as the guilt... find a professional who you can talk to and work through your feelings with. You're going to have a tough enough time trying to stop drinking, the guilt will drive you drink if you try to bottle it up. You probably won't be able to lean on your husband to help you work through it either. He's not going to have the ability to shoulder his emotional pain and yours.

 

Also... I have a lot of respect for you for acknowledging your mistake immediately, for accepting responsibility, and for wanting to change to make sure it doesn't occur again.

[Ruby Slippers]

You made a big mistake, and it was a huge wakeup call. You're very lucky to have such a loving and forgiving husband, and I think you know that. I believe you can turn things around and get your life back on track. Good luck to you.