Do I have a glimmer of a second chance?

[orangesean]

Hello, I used to have this super long post here before messages and threads got deleted about my exgirlfriend spanning 4 years of my life. I'm 22 and have finished college and am on my career path, the ex is 21 and still finishing up.

 

Well everyone said that our relationship was toxic and that we don't belong together, but at the same time a lot of our relationship was really good for at least the first two years. I still get really sentimental about the memories we shared and how close we were so early on and even sometimes when we lived together. The problem was we would get into fights where sometimes I would get abusive, mostly emotionally abusive and physically on 2 occasions that I regret very much so. This was all under stress of work and school constantly. She started being very rough and physically abusive towards me also with other factors. We still had nice moments here and there but things weren't so good all the time.

 

So 3-4 months ago or something like that, my ex ended it and said she no longer felt love for me anymore and that I used it up. This is on top of wavering feelings of affection where she didn't want to leave me and where she did. There was other factors involved with people telling her to leave me.

 

So I took this seriously, I mean I begged a little we had out last talk, then she kissed me three times on the head and I left and haven't seen her since. She took her stuff out of my apartment and I offered to leave for the weekend while she got it. I have a nice paying job and I owed her about 900 dollars and I have been paying it off since. I just have 185 left to go to give her. She has IMed me a few times and we talk lightly and she asked me if I am okay a lot. I have not been mean or rude and I only talk to her if she talks first or if it's business like transferring phone lines and such.

 

So okay, along these three months we've been apart I've been trying really hard to be a good person, I've been going to therapy, I've practiced reading a lot of books, doing the activities my therapist recommends, and generally been trying to keep myself distracted and better myself. I haven't been very angry in a long time which has been a reoccuring problem with me. I am a very smart person, I'm not trying to brag, but when I do something I try to do it right and do it well, such as fixing myself. Sometimes it's tough and I get really depressed but I think a lot of my friends and family are getting impressed with me sometimes.

 

Well okay about three weeks ago my ex IMed me and said we could no longer talk and I said well I haven't been trying to talk to you anyways, se got sort of mad, but I just said this stuff hurts and it's tough to talk. The conversation didn't go too long or end to well but I told her not to be so mad at me.

 

So a week later I get an e-mail from her telling to pay her money back ASAP (but I had sent a check a day before.) She still has not cashed the check to this day, but Saturday I decided to IM her and breach contact and ask her if she got it. She was giving me one word replies.

 

Then I told her to not carry animosity towards me and that she should not be angry with me because I'm trying very hard to not be the messed up jerk I was to her and that although I carry so much regret for some of the ways I treated her that I can't take it back even though I wish I could.

 

Her replies started having more verbiage.

 

She then said I wasn't always a bad guy, and that sometimes she feels really angry towards me and doesn't know what to think.

 

We ended up talking for like an hour and a half over the internet. Here are a few points from her I hear that seems to say maybe she would want to try again in the future... maybe she still loves me and misses me the way I feel about her.

 

First off, she asked me about the new girlfriend I have (Which isn't going so well, another story) and if I love her. I told her I wasn't sure I loved her and that I guess it's a no then. Then my ex said she's with a new guy which she knows she can never love.

 

Also at one point my ex said she wishes it didn't take her leaving to have me change.

 

Also she has been getting filled in on my life from a friend of mine she didn't want to name (I found out today who it was, I'm not mad at all)

 

And besides just talking about our lives and how we've been doing she asked me if I wanted to get coffee with her sometime soon. She moved somewhere two hours away so it may be hard to set it up, but it's not so bad really, especially since I have the opportunity to still move to that area at the end of this year.

 

I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to get coffee as it might really hurt and that my new girlfriend might not like it. She said she didn't care what her new boyfriend thinks about any of that.

 

So the other end of this is that today, I got in contact with my friend who has been filling her in on me (he lives closer to her in Austin) and that they have been hanging out and talking a few times. He says my ex came over and asked about me and vented a little about what a bad guy I was. But my friend also told her I'm trying hard to fix myself and she said that was good. My friend thinks she still has some feelings for me and that might be why she needed to talk to him. I'm not positive and he isn't either but he thinks it would be cute if we got back together and did it right.

 

So the thing here is, I ended up calling her back today, got her voice mail and said I will take her up for coffee and figure it out when soon. She hasn't called back or anything on that but we'll see.

 

Do you think there is a chance of a reconciliation here? I know it will need to go slow and it will need more time, but should I put any hope up? We really were so happy together at one point and I think if we put the past in the past and I apply what I've learned for good it may just work and we can work together.

 

I mean it's really hard to forgot someone who once told me I was her missing piece and that we would be together forever.

 

Please read all of this if you can, I know you guys have a tendency to ignore long paragraphs and posts. If you need any more details about us, please let me know it's a lot to fill in.

[kizik]

Sounds like an extremely chaotic relationship. I do not blame her for wanting to leave. You may be very smart as you say, but your anger problems undoubtedly contributed to the demise of the R. Do this girl a favor and pay her the rest of her money and leave her alone. You have a new GF, dude. Stop talking to your goddamn ex, it's disrespectful to the new GF. Your ex has a new BF, you need to stop talking to her.

 

As far as your meddling friend, tell him to stay out of your business. Tell him to stop relaying messages like a third grader. Your R is over. You have a new one. Focus on the present, instead of trying to breathe new life into an abusive and dead R. Being so wishy-washy about your ex is really rude towards your new GF.

 

You should not be in a new R until you are over the old one. People are such ridiculous rebounders.

[orangesean]

I read your posts here all over the place, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't have to belittle me like that. I am human too even if I was a bad person and I don't have to be a horrible person the rest of my life. I mean I understand the anger but you really don't know me.

 

I'm going to reply the best I can on this:

 

Sounds like an extremely chaotic relationship. I do not blame her for wanting to leave. You may be very smart as you say, but your anger problems undoubtedly contributed to the demise of the R. Do this girl a favor and pay her the rest of her money and leave her alone.

 

I am not constantly bugging her, also I wish you would note that I have been paying money back which is more than a lot of guys would do. Sometimes relationships spiral out of control and you really hurt who you love. I'm not saying that's that, I do take tons of blame. One of the books I read on marriage seems to say that everyone is in dangered of acting out their worst childhood fears and behavoirs on their spouse if they don't understand how to fight. That's about all you can give.

 

 

You have a new GF, dude. Stop talking to your goddamn ex, it's disrespectful to the new GF. Your ex has a new BF, you need to stop talking to her.

 

My new "GF" who does not want to be called a GF or BF and is also in contact with her ex's, eating lunch with one of them has a barrel of worries on her own. Such as wanting to kiss other girls or still being stuck on her ex who she broke up with a year ago, longer than me. Even before all this information resurfaced with my ex,

 

I knew my new relationship was not going to work and I'm currently going to end it very soon. My new girlfriend doesn't not appreciate constant affection and I just can't handle that. She said I shouldn't have to change who I am and how much affection I need and that she shouldn't either. I told her it's a major incompatibility issue and left it at that. I'll figure out what to do. There's no way I can move across the country with someone who I don't see eye to eye with on an emotional level. If you want to know more on that I can tell you.

 

As far as your meddling friend, tell him to stay out of your business. Tell him to stop relaying messages like a third grader. Your R is over. You have a new one. Focus on the present, instead of trying to breathe new life into an abusive and dead R. Being so wishy-washy about your ex is really rude towards your new GF.

 

My friend is not playing some game, no one was going to find out anything until I decided to pry. I don't see what is so wrong going back with someone who you used to love with all your world. People are funny like that sometimes. You act like no one can ever fix anything or learn from mistakes. I do it all the time with best friends who I have burned bridges and have repaired. You are being very condescending and treating peoples feelings like something you have in junior high. Thanks once again for the encouragment Loveshack.

 

You should not be in a new R until you are over the old one. People are such ridiculous rebounders.

 

I thought I was "over" but I think it's hard to say when you are ever truly over someone. I was going into my next relationship saying it was not a rebound and I still don't think it is. There are major emotional compatibility issues with this new girl that I just don't think I can deal with as a life partner. You shouldn't have these issues arising within the infatuation stage.

 

But anyways, aside from the only reply I got was an angry tirade against me, I am human too and my ex is human. We had a talk for about 8 hours last night and I guess she really misses me too and we are going to give it another go. Just start out slow, talk about what didn't work, maybe get couples counseling just to secure things. Just have to let it develop.

 

I mean sure people make major mistakes, right? I mess up a lot. is it so bad to have a want to repair them and just maybe you can go back to being happy again?

 

The only major bump I may see besides going over what to fix and how to leave the past in the past is that we were both with other people and had sex with them during our time apart? I told her I don't feel mad or anything right now but I'm sure jealousy may crop up. She said she already feels a little jealous and I admitted also. But not like an angry jealously. Anyone who has had a second chance relationship have any idea how to get past it?

[frd150]

In my looooong expeirience with my last breakup I realized that as you move on BY YOUR SELF it starts to dawn on you that you may not need a second chance,i mean it would be nice if both parties can work it out and make it last but as time goes on you become more liberated from the feelings you have for your ex. Point here is that the small glimmer may take a while to show itself esp. if the two of you are in relationships that are once again "toxic". Both of you need to be alone for a while for the good of whatever real R's that are in your future.

 

The therapy you are getting is great and I hope that you are doing that for you and not you and her. What about her,what is she doing to better herself? IMO if she stayed in a relationship for four years as you described it then she has some work to do herself, so what is she doing? Actions speak louder than words.

 

So, keep working on yourself. Loose the gf that does not want to be called a gf. (she sounds cold) and concentrate on you. Being alone really changes your perspective.

 

 

FYI, you will get all sorts of advice here some you may not agree with some you will take to the bank but remember no one here is out to get you. We have all been where you are at some point and we know the feelings so read the responsess with an open mind.

[kizik]

I read your posts here all over the place, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't have to belittle me like that.

 

Not belittling you. It's a bit of tough love I guess. Also, I don't know how you can be so confused when you had such a direct hand in the end of the R with your abusive tactics.

 

You are being very condescending and treating peoples feelings like something you have in junior high.

 

Yes, you're an adult, but going to a second party for info (prying, as you say) is somewhat childish. Whatever, the point is that info about your ex will hurt you, so you should avoid it at all costs.

 

Thanks once again for the encouragment Loveshack.

 

Being sarcastic won't help here, sorry if you didn't get the words you wanted. Did you want us to say you can get her back? Cuz you can't, and if you do it will only be temporary.

 

Allow me to express my sympathies; what you're going through is awful and I don't wish it on anyone (except my ex . You need to take the time to examine your role in the R's end, instead of worrying about your ex, and possibly even your current GF. And BTW, if she doesn't wanna give you affection give her the boot, b/c life is too short to be messing w/ someone who can't meet your needs.

[justine4]

I'm not going to belittle you or anything OS. I'm coming at this from a different direction that the other LS'rs who've given their advice, call me a romantic, but sometimes you've just got to listen to your heart.

 

I guess theres a bit more to things than what you've written (sorry, I haven't read any of your original posts - I will try though) otherwise your ex wouldn't be saying your a bad person.

 

The best thing to do would be to have a coffee, as you've both suggested, and have a chat, no pressure or heavy talk about the relationship. Obviously, you both have feelings for each other still, which must be a positive sign. Maybe living 2 hours away will work in your favour if you do decide to give things another go. It'll give you both the chance to get the relationship back on track, but the distance will mean you don't rush things, which might be a good thing.

 

However, the main thing is that you set things straight with the girl you are seeing at the moment. If you know, for sure, things aren't going to work, then tell her. Don't keep her hanging on, like an understudy in case it doesn't go well with your ex.

[orangesean]

The therapy you are getting is great and I hope that you are doing that for you and not you and her. What about her,what is she doing to better herself? IMO if she stayed in a relationship for four years as you described it then she has some work to do herself, so what is she doing? Actions speak louder than words.

 

Yes I did go to therapy for myself, as well as for some of the ways I treated her. I did not grow up the nicest person or the most self controlled and before her I still did some bad things and I have still acted terrible to many people and had little faith in myself and who I was even before I met her. She knew this when we got together but I think eventually all my childhood angst and anger and such just flared beyond control to where it destroyed.

 

So a lot of my therapy does not focus on her at all. In fact hardly any of it does. It seems to center more around my parents and how they treated me as well as my inability to connect with others. Even if my ex didn't get back with me, which in no way I thought she wanted to... I was very surprised myself, I just think I don't want to live my life as some miserable wreck anymore, I'm only 22 and I'd like to live long and happy and stop ruining myself with my bad behavior or self hate.

 

I don't take the blame for everything but I take it for a lot because I know for sure I did act worse in many ways. She will have work to do too and we will have to discuss more and more in the upcoming days. She told me a lot of it hurt last night because she used to love me so much and things were very powerful between for a long time. I got more and more out of control as well as she did because we were both working and doing college at the same time as well as living together and paying bills. One of the self help books said that you can't have a relationship working 80 hours a week.

 

So I mean people can doubt me and think I will ruin the relationship all over again, but I think love is powerful and

 

So, keep working on yourself. Loose the gf that does not want to be called a gf. (she sounds cold) and concentrate on you. Being alone really changes your perspective.

 

Yeah I just broke up with her an hour ago, I feel really bad about it, because I think she genuinely liked me, but I guess we agreed we would have been better as friends. I'm really sorry to hurt her, but I guess as time went with her, it just wasn't feeling rewarding to be with someone who has differing views of affection. Like you can't always just match up on an intellectual and humor level right? Intimacy and emotion plays a big part too, and I guess I felt I've only been with her a little over a month and you should already be hoping someone will change to fit your needs if it's meant to be. I still really feel bad about doing that to her, she thanked me for at least being honest up front and not stretching it out. Ex or no ex I didn't think it was going to work in the end.

 

FYI, you will get all sorts of advice here some you may not agree with some you will take to the bank but remember no one here is out to get you. We have all been where you are at some point and we know the feelings so read the responsess with an open mind.

 

Yeah I know I guess I just feel like Kizik was treating me like some huge jerk. I'm still human like everyone else. I don't like having my feelings hurt and I don't like hurting others. Maybe I'm a little nuts but I'm not trying to be childish.

[orangesean]

I'm not going to belittle you or anything OS. I'm coming at this from a different direction that the other LS'rs who've given their advice, call me a romantic, but sometimes you've just got to listen to your heart.

 

I guess theres a bit more to things than what you've written (sorry, I haven't read any of your original posts - I will try though) otherwise your ex wouldn't be saying your a bad person.

 

Well all of my original posts have been erased from the server going down but I guess it is what my heart says to go back to her. Some people never get a chance for second chances. My ex never said I was a bad person, she always knew about the good in me even until the end, it's just I have a tendency to be controlling, judgmental, act angry, or disconnect and want to leave. There was a lot of cyclical fighting eventually after we moved in together, and then I did physically hit her once two years into it.

 

I know everyone is going to think I'm terrible, and I regret a lot of how I treated her, I guess I think our relationship was a lot different that other abusive relationships. Like I just have terrible issues and it's always been that way for me. People still judge me on how I may have acted but you can't go back. I mean if my baby wants to try again with me and we can really work on it and learn to love correctly and not destructively, should I say no? I don't want to say no personally.

 

People say you shouldn't go back to someone who is abusive... but I'm abusive (or was), and I don't know what to say on my side of the story. Like I have a lot of regret I'm sorry for hurting many people not just her, but I still need love as a human and I still want to be a good person too.

 

The best thing to do would be to have a coffee, as you've both suggested, and have a chat, no pressure or heavy talk about the relationship. Obviously, you both have feelings for each other still, which must be a positive sign. Maybe living 2 hours away will work in your favour if you do decide to give things another go. It'll give you both the chance to get the relationship back on track, but the distance will mean you don't rush things, which might be a good thing.

 

I said briefly in the other post, but we talked online all last night for about 8 hours about a lot of things. I guess she let it slip that she still loves me. She asked me first though because she figured I didn't anymore because of my good adherence to No Contact (Guess it works, I don't know.) She was even moving a little fast on her, and I told her to slow down really, although myself I don't want to. (She was already sort of referring to the time I said I wanted to marry her or that we should get a house together sooner or later.)

 

I'm going to her area this weekend on business matters for these fliers and I'm going to meet up with her for coffee or definitely. I think she wants me to see all her new pets the distance was tearing us apart before when she moved and I was supposed to join her last february but maybe this time it will give us the space and let us take it a little slow and feel eachother out before we really figure out how we are going to make it once and for all. The only thing that concerns me about the distance is that I probably can't get couples counseling unless I lived in her area (Which was my plan to join her anyway before we broke up (Even before that we were supposed to move together but I broke my promise))

 

It's just weird to me because so many people say second chances and reconciliation never work. I really don't want to think that but I can't find any success stories anywhere I can never find anyone saying one good word about it. Saddens me, but I guess it may just work out for us anyway, no matter what negativy everyone has.

 

However, the main thing is that you set things straight with the girl you are seeing at the moment. If you know, for sure, things aren't going to work, then tell her. Don't keep her hanging on, like an understudy in case it doesn't go well with your ex.

 

Yeah I went ahead and broke it off with her today. Things already felt wrong before my ex suddenly appeared and I was already considering it. I feel bad about it, but I guess it's not fair for me to stay with someone I don't feel connected with, on both ends.

[orangesean]

Okay, I met up with my ex at a neutral location yesterday night and I guess we are going to try again. We went over a lot of stuff about what messed up in our relationship and why we used to be so in love for so long until it all sort of messed up and died. She told me it feels like nothing is awkward between us and it's like I never really went away.

 

She understands I'm trying hard to fix what a bad person I am. I discussed a few things about why I was resenting her so much later on in the relationship and why that is. We talked about how it made us both jealous to have sexual partners in between during the break up and that it stings a little now but it may arise as an issue later on with jealously or upset. She said as weird as it sounds, being with someone else really makes you miss what you've had and how to treat someone. She meant especially with me since she was my first long term relationship.

 

I think I still have a lot of therapy to attend and to figure out what to do to quelch my anger almost for good, unless seriously justified. I also have to fix this constant anxiety I've developed and ongoing depression... etc.

 

My ex seems very serious about sticking with me this time and we promised eachother to really learn how to communicate and fight without violence or spite. The distance is going to make some stuff hard but she said it may help to take it step by step. It's only 2 hours away though, not the biggest deal. And maybe one day we can move back in together she said (or actually she was thinking we should buy a house! We'll see about that I guess...)

 

This is all a weird situation for me, people always say second chances don't work or never happen. I guess like BadBrit said the No Contact thing was sort of a huge red RESET button that I guess may have worked in my case. I really want to work through it right now, and I don't want another girl, and haven't really ever wanted another girl like her to tell the truth. I hope she feels the same.

 

The only thing that makes me really sore and upset about all of this is the girlfriend I had and how I just sort of abruptly broke up with her. We did talk before my ex coming in the picture how I think it's a major incompatability issue if our need for affection doesn't match up. I guess I discovered I'm just really needy in the process and the connection I did have with her was dying. I did walk out of her house saying something was wrong a day before getting into contact with my ex. Something was wrong, I felt I lost the feelings I had for her before we got more intimate and that the intimacy killed it.

 

I just feel bad because I saw in her livejournal this morning that I hurt her very bad by breaking up. I did tell her a little bit about how I still had strong feelings for my ex but not that I talked to her on Sunday. I would feel more guilty to stay with someone when my heart belonged to someone else, but I still feel awful for hurting someone like that. I've never had to dump anyone before. And I'm sure nothing I feel hurts as bad as it hurts for her. I wish I could make her feel better, but it's impossible to get back with her right now, even if the ex were out of the picture. It just wasn't going to work out in my head.

[orangesean]

Well last night I talked to my ex on the phone for another 5-6 hours. Playful and sometimes serious. Sometimes hurtful...

 

It's sort of tough to work through a lot of our issues, but I'm dedicated and she is too. I think when I go to see her this weekend it will be okay.

 

All of this distance would be less of an obstacle if gas weren't ridiculous. But that's just another frustration.

 

I guess if anyone has any pointers about figuring all of this out it would be very helpful. I know hardly anyone goes back to a relationship with both parties wanting it to work, but I'd like to know some ideas on maybe what some did who were successful, if people like that are indeed out there.

 

We can't really do couples counseling unless I can get an over the phone type thing but we'll see, I can't really move anywhere until Nov-Dec or maybe October if I'm lucky. It's more expensive to do that stuff over the phone, or at least with my therapist.

[justine4]

Well last night I talked to my ex on the phone for another 5-6 hours. Playful and sometimes serious. Sometimes hurtful...

 

It's sort of tough to work through a lot of our issues, but I'm dedicated and she is too. I think when I go to see her this weekend it will be okay.

 

All of this distance would be less of an obstacle if gas weren't ridiculous. But that's just another frustration.

 

I guess if anyone has any pointers about figuring all of this out it would be very helpful. I know hardly anyone goes back to a relationship with both parties wanting it to work, but I'd like to know some ideas on maybe what some did who were successful, if people like that are indeed out there.

 

We can't really do couples counseling unless I can get an over the phone type thing but we'll see, I can't really move anywhere until Nov-Dec or maybe October if I'm lucky. It's more expensive to do that stuff over the phone, or at least with my therapist.

 

I wish you the best of luck. If you can work through your problems, i still believe its good to have that bit of distance (geographically) between you as it will give you a better foundation.

 

Things can work out. My best friend went out with a guy for a year when she was 17. She then dated another for a year. A while later the first guy was back on the scene and asked her out again. She was unsure whether to do it or not as it hadn't worked out the first time. She decided to anyway and here we are, 15 years later, they're married, two children, and as happy as anything.

 

If two people can communicate properly and deal with any problems that arise, theres no reason why not (although I'm sure some posts on here will give a few reasons to prove me wrong!)

 

You've done the right thing getting professional help. You've acknowledged your failings and are working on them. Keep up with it and the world will be your oyster! Once again, I wish you the best of luck!

[orangesean]

I want to thank you so much for the kind words. All of my friends, besides the ones that I'm afraid to tell about this, think this is a bad idea for the most part.

 

My younger sister by two years (I'm 22 by the way) thinks it might be okay after talking to her for a bit, she's just worried my ex will hurt me again.

 

The shocking thing is, I think maybe my ex missed me way more than expected, even though she was the one who dumped me. She told me last night she wishes we could just move in together again next week, which is impossible of course because of our leases on current apartments and I have to change jobs soon, which is somewhat more tricky when you draw for a living.

 

She told me when we met up Monday night it was like I never left. Her whole reasoning for leaving me is besides all the complicated distance that happened leading to the break up, she felt I was never going to change and I was never going to stop being angry and telling her hurtful things I didn't mean about what an awful person she was. She was tired of the cycle of loving me for a few days and then having to fight about something incredibly insignificant the next few and then rinse, repeat, etc. Then there was the fact that when we lived together I got physically abusive on 2 or 3 occasions and that I broke a lot of stuff in the apartment out of anger.

 

I knew then that none of the behavior I was doing was right and I still know now, but I guess I have terrible self control problems. I guess the major turning point for my ex wanting me back is that the two guys she was with in the meantime just didn't make her feel good the way I could (besides the fighting) and that she heard I was seriously trying to fix myself and not make myself some crazy ball of hate. She screwed up a lot in the relationship as well but it's stuff she eventually apologized for long before and then her disconnect started.

 

I can tell you it probably started about last November where I just wanted her out of the apartment and out of my life and told her this. I felt pity for her and gave her another 6 months on her request to see if I still loved her. She wrote me a long apology letter back then about how she's sorry about screaming at me, doing this, doing that, etc... and then went over our good memories. The most I could say to her in person was that it was stupid and no good to apologize. I don't know what was up with me personally, but after that I think she fell out of love over the next 5 months from then.

 

And I was and I still am getting help for myself after the break up, and it's not just to impress her or manipulate her to come back. I feel I'm good inside I just don't know why sometimes I just went into raging ******* mode and hurt people. I haven't done it in so long, but there is the fear of relapse and I just want self control and not to live my life like this any longer, it only brings more pain.

 

And the fact that she came back is really a plus for me, even though maybe it was earlier than I expected (although I didn't expect her to ever come back.) and I still have some work to do on myself. I don't know how much work she may have to do, she feels stronger and more confident, so that's a plus too.

 

One thing that made me smile was she was half joking about proposing to her again, like I once said I was going to do about a year in our relationship. I think another thing killing it the first go around is that she brought up the marriage issue after last November when I tried to break up with her and I said I didn't believe in marriage anymore and that rings are superficial and material for spoiled little girls.

 

Well I don't feel the same now, and sometimes tradition is just important to symbolize to someone that you love them and will commit. Hah, neither of us are religious though...

 

So I guess in the end the signs are good, but I still have worry you know. I'm glad to hear that couple you know stayed together the second time. It's tough when everything you read almost just says don't ever go back, especially when I was the one who acted really bad. I figure both of us are really smart people and we should be able to work it out if we use our minds and dedication to get to the issues and make a new future.

 

Sorry, I had to ramble again, I just love venting everything pent up in my mind on Loveshack, hah.

[orangesean]

Okay I won't try to type so much this time. But I have a need for some advice.

 

On Reconciling, what is the best way to get over the hurt and jealousy? Just time? I can't get us into couples therapy just yet as I said.

 

Things are going pretty well with the ex, we talk almost every night and I'm spending this weekend with her while I do some promotion in a nearby city for this band thing me and a friend set up.

 

Like everything feels comfortable and okay when I talk to her. She says she would still love to marry me one day and that she will support me as I'm working on myself. The dealbreaker is no more violence and she must learn to feel safe that I'm around.

 

So that beside, I feel like somewhat why did we break up for 3 1/2 months? I mean a lot of people say I would have never changed had my life not fell apart, and I guess it's true, but I can't shake the feeling that maybe if she held out a little longer maybe I would have gotten help for myself? I don't know, before I thought therapy was for idiots, so I don't know.

 

But she's hurt because of how I treated her for long that it became a burden and she finally left. I'm hurt because I feel she gave up on me (which she did.) And then she dated two guys inbetween, I dated one girl. I guess I'm jealous because she had sex and was with those guys, and she is jealous not so much because I had sex with the person I was dating but because I was getting pretty close to committing for her for a while, which she is upset I could never do for her near the end of our relationship.

 

I don't know, it seems if we talk about this stuff it helps a little, but still hurts, and even upon hearing that it feels right and we are matched compared to the people we were seeing still hurts. And in some way it hurts that the continuity of the relationship was ruined, but I guess the relationship was off the tracks even before then. No cheating, no lying, just constant anger.

 

So should you just leave the past in the past and start as fresh as possible, or talk it all through?

[frd150]

Hey Orange,

 

If you sweep the past under the rug its bound to eventually re surface down the road. For now I think its best to talk (communicate) about the issues until they are issues no more. Confront it now so as not to be blindsided when you least suspect it. If the issues are to hard to bare now then the two of you can end things without investing alot of time for nothing.

 

Basically get it out of the way. Good luck man. You got something that alot of people here wish they had.

[orangesean]

If the issues are to hard to bare now then the two of you can end things without investing alot of time for nothing.

 

Yeah, I mean we have been talking about them. Maybe I get more hurt and jealous than she does? But I mean fair is fair, the relationship went through many false break ups on both sides until she initiated the final one. Also it's tough to think of your ex with other people on both sides, but then again we were broken up thinking neither of us would ever meet again.

 

But I'll go by your advice to just work through them sooner than later.

 

I mentioned this stuff to her, she said if I just give it time, the hurt will go away and we can be happy again. I like when she says that sort of stuff to me.

[frd150]

Yeah, I mean we have been talking about them. Maybe I get more hurt and jealous than she does? But I mean fair is fair, the relationship went through many false break ups on both sides until she initiated the final one. Also it's tough to think of your ex with other people on both sides, but then again we were broken up thinking neither of us would ever meet again.

 

But I'll go by your advice to just work through them sooner than later.

 

I mentioned this stuff to her, she said if I just give it time, the hurt will go away and we can be happy again. I like when she says that sort of stuff to me.

 

 

The other thing is not to let these issues turn into a fight. If you reach an impass then its best to agree to dis agree until the dust settles and it can be discussed again.

 

Yes it is comforting to hear things such as that from them but Im a few years older than you and let me tell you that whole time heals all wounds is BS. Its always there waiting to rear its ugly head. It seems that at least your ex is capable of showing some emotion with you which is more than I got/get from mine.

 

Dont hold what the two of you did with other people against each other as tough as it is it will only cloud progress. Just think of all the people on here whos exs are with other people and their is no chance for a second chance. Let it go and focus on your second chance.

[orangesean]

Thanks again for the help and advice.

 

Okay, so I should just let the other people go and she should? It makes sense, I guess it's legitimate that people will be with other people. I was sort of a jerk about her having sex with another guy before I ever when our relationship started 4 years ago and I've learned my lesson in judging people because of their sexual past. It did hurt her a lot then, so I'm going to try very hard not to repeat my mistake. So far there has been no fighting or arguments, just a lot of dealing with acceptance for what happened and letting the hurt go.

 

I guess you are saying I should just let what happened be, but we should still speak about it and get to the bottom of why we broke up and what hurt and why? Personally I don't fully agree with time healing wounds, but I guess in a way you think less and less about bad stuff and let good memories clog your mind over it... or that's what seems to happen.

 

There's a few really bad things I did to her maybe a year and a half ago at my most abusive moments, and she doesn't talk about them much, she says the hurt is still there for it, but she doesn't think I'm a bad person and she's glad I'm trying.

 

Haha, this is all really confusing somewhat, but I guess life is never that easy, I'm going to be with her all weekend in about 6 hours now and we'll see what happens.

[frd150]

Thanks again for the help and advice.

 

Okay, so I should just let the other people go and she should? It makes sense, I guess it's legitimate that people will be with other people. I was sort of a jerk about her having sex with another guy before I ever when our relationship started 4 years ago and I've learned my lesson in judging people because of their sexual past. It did hurt her a lot then, so I'm going to try very hard not to repeat my mistake. So far there has been no fighting or arguments, just a lot of dealing with acceptance for what happened and letting the hurt go.

 

I guess you are saying I should just let what happened be, but we should still speak about it and get to the bottom of why we broke up and what hurt and why? Personally I don't fully agree with time healing wounds, but I guess in a way you think less and less about bad stuff and let good memories clog your mind over it... or that's what seems to happen.

 

There's a few really bad things I did to her maybe a year and a half ago at my most abusive moments, and she doesn't talk about them much, she says the hurt is still there for it, but she doesn't think I'm a bad person and she's glad I'm trying.

 

Haha, this is all really confusing somewhat, but I guess life is never that easy, I'm going to be with her all weekend in about 6 hours now and we'll see what happens.

 

 

Exactly my friend ,youve got it. Ive seen a few cases where couples pull it together and end up having a succesful relationship after a break up. Sometimes we just need a slap in the face I guess.

 

As far as the hurtfull things you did,well all you can do is own up and move on. Shes willing to make a go of it which should lead you to believe that she is willing to let it go so do not let it be a burden on you any longer. Learn from it and do not repeat it. Remember, nothing worth having is ever easy.

 

 

Sounds like you guys are ao the right track. Listen to what she has to say,really and be willing to comprimise a bit but i think you get that. Have a great weekend with her and I wish you all the best.

[orangesean]

Okay, so back to work on a Monday morning, and I had a great weekend with her.

 

There was some pain and hurt I guess we spent a lot of time talking about on what happened, why, what we can never do again, etc... but I think there's a lot of understanding between us on what happened and why we never want it to happen again.

 

We spent some time going through a box of stuff and photos of all of our good memories on the 4 years we were together and it was really sad (to me at least) how happy we used to be with eachother and how screwed up it used to be. My girlfriend (no longer ex) says she's excited because all of those feelings can come back and we can do it right this time.

 

She said she feels more comfortable with me than anyone and that I'm the only one who really knows everything about her. There's really nothing I can say except I feel the same.

 

We did a lot of stuff, hung out with friends in the area, watched some movies, and she made me dinner one of the nights.

 

We watched High Fidelity together last night and it was really strange how with us that movie seemed to spell out a lot of what happened and how we feel. I mean it didn't gather all of our problems, but I think the root of what happened was there.

 

I don't know, I feel so in love with her at the moment, I don't think there's any way I'm going to let myself screw up ever again and let her go. I'm very sure she feels the same way.

[orangesean]

Well, I don't know if it helps for me to keep anyone updated on the progress here, but I figure maybe someday someone will read my posts and feel better about second chances. I think they can work, and I think they can make you stronger than before. But both people in the relationship must be very dedicated to eachother, unlike they probably were before. Sometimes Loveshack is very tough to read because of all of the heartache that is spilled around so maybe something positive will help?

 

But me and my girlfriend, who I think will never be my ex again, have been doing a lot of talking, spending a lot of time together even if she lives 2 hours away and have been making the best of our time. We have been scheduling mini-vacation type things in the area to remind us of the stuff we used to do when we were really happy in the relationship.

 

We try to go over a lot of good times and I guess between us maybe there is a lot of marriage talk. The reasoning for the break up is very understood. I guess she felt like the guy she fell in love with was never coming back and maybe the hatred and anger I let control me was going to stay there. I guess she felt I'd never change but when she heard I was trying she may have jumped on it.

 

Maybe our love was very strong in the first place compared to some people asking for a second chance so that's why everything seems to be going smoothly? I'm not sure. There's a lot of dynamics that were working against both of us that ruined us, a lot doing with me, external stress, and her as well. So I know I've been terrible to her and broken so many rules a man shouldn't but I've been forgiven. Some of the jealously between our other partners while broken up still arises but I think in time all of that stuff will fade.

 

But the major point is when we got back together, she told me no one else makes her feel like home like I do. I feel the same way and I'm going to never hurt her again. I know what it's like to lose someone who was your best friend and lover and who you were planning your future with. Things get lost. It sucks because really we were never incompatabile besides failing to fight fairly and with respect. That's why this time around I have no quibbles with marriage and there is no way I want to lose this woman ever again. It's hard to explain the connection I guess.

 

I lent her the book I read for anger management my therapist recommended me to and she's starting to read it. We kind of laughed at it because we broke every rule on what you SHOULD NOT do when you fight. Oh well. We're going to figure this out and how to fight without hurting eachother or saying things we don't mean. Without breaking stuff or violence. Obviously all that stuff was a no brainer from the beginning but I guess I had major self control issues when my life was drowning in stress after we moved in together. Her as well but no where near as extreme.

 

It seems really easy to get back in the old routines of how we used to be which made the relationship collapse, and I know some people think no one ever changes, but I don't care what they say. People change every day, but it's understandable that there are many that don't. I can change, I mean when she broke up with me I sort of lost my identity so there was nothing for me to do but change.

 

Anyways, I guess this is a lot of rambling, if anyone is reading I guess I'm no longer looking for advice but maybe I'm giving some hope to some? I'm really happy she's back, there's still some hurt we have to work through and accept, but that is not going to matter much in 20 years, as she says. I agree.

[Katherineos123]

Im happy for you Orange! Sounds like this is the begining of a completely different relationship. New and honest and loving. The key is communication, honest communication. The distance between you two seems to be a blessing in disguise. It will be hard during the in between times, but I think it will help you both to maintain your independance, all the while, youll both be missing each other, which we all know makes seeing each other that much sweeter!

How long were the two of you broken up all together? Im only asking because Im currently holding on the last glimmer of hope that me and my ex will someday be able to give it another go. Its been about two weeks for us, and Im dying a little everyday... But your story is showing me that sometimes things can be fixed...

[orangesean]

Yes I'm really hoping it will end up a completely new relationship too. The only reason the distance really sucks is because it's not going to be exactly the same as when we used to live together and because of gas prices. But I can wait it out and she said she would too.

 

We were broken up a total of 3 and a half months. I guess that's not very long by many other people's standards who sometimes don't even come into contact with their ex for almost 2 years, but I guess maybe to me at least it felt like a large chunk of time.

 

I did actually let go of the hope that me and my ex would ever get back together after the two week mark. I really did not think she would ever want to get back together and maybe I felt at one point all of our problems could not ever be worked out anyway. But I think it can work is both parties eventually want to try again and give 100%.