mousse Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 !!! This is what I don't get! What kind of happiness would your ex have if she put herself in that situation? Are people really that willing to forego real joy in life because of their fears? It may seem crazy, but people with fear of intimacy choose situations like that. My ex boyfriend has fear of intimacy and before dating me, he was with a girl who was completely not his type ( he was conscious of it) : like this he didn't take the risk of really falling in love. What do you think are the main reasons of this fear ? In the case of my ex boyfriend, I think it's because his parents had a very bad divorce when he was only 4 years old. It seems that now, he associates love and pain because of that and thinks that whenever he's going to open up and be close to someone it's going to result in suffering.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 It may seem crazy, but people with fear of intimacy choose situations like that. My ex boyfriend has fear of intimacy and before dating me, he was with a girl who was completely not his type ( he was conscious of it) : like this he didn't take the risk of really falling in love. What was it like to be with him?
GoodOnPaper Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It may seem crazy, but people with fear of intimacy choose situations like that. My ex boyfriend has fear of intimacy and before dating me, he was with a girl who was completely not his type ( he was conscious of it) : like this he didn't take the risk of really falling in love. I think those with fear of intimacy tend to be attracted to people who are unavailable or incompatible in some way for this very reason. Then when things don't work out, the fear may be reinforced through self-blame, etc.
mousse Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 What was it like to be with him? We stayed together for more than 1 year and it was great because we got along very well and were very compatile. During the relationship, he needed a lot of time for himself, was often very busy and we didn't see each other very often, even though we lived close to each other. It was fine with me because I'm very independent and I prefer that type of dynamic in a relationship. Now I realize that maybe he did this to avoid getting too close to me. As the relationship started to develop and became more serious, he became more distant and was very critical of the relationship and eventually decided to break up. He seemed to be very scared that we were getting to know each other deeply : as if he was afraid to be rejected if he revealed his true self. It was strange for me because we had a very fulfilling relationship. Then, as I analysed his dating history, I realised he was often choosing situations with unavailable people ( girls already in a relationship, for example), or girls he didn't like that much and seemed to withdraw when the relationship became serious. I interpreted this a a fear of intimacy or attachment.
SadGreenEyes Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 My boyfriend is a commitmentphobe. My best friend is a commitmentphobe. They are both very unhappy people and being they are the 2 closest people in my life takes its toll on me, especially with my boyfriend. I have been struggling to get closer to him yet he will not budge and when we do actually start getting close he starts an argument to maintain the distance between us. It's not easy for those of us who just want to love and be loved in these relationships. SGE
nicki Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 It's always about fear. Johan, your girlfriend craved the intimacy you could give her, but she was afraid. Afraid it would go away? Afraid she would trust you and you would turn out to be someone else someday? Afraid she really didn't deserve love? Maybe all of the above. Maybe none of them. Only she knows, or doesn't know as the case may be. True clear perception of one's self is necessary. If someone doesn't have the self-awareness, as well as the courage and honesty to express what they feel, what they want, and what they are afraid of, you can't have a genuine relationship. Otherwise, it's all smoke and mirrors. Who can I appear to be? Most often we relate on a dysfunctional level and we don't even know it. I would look at her family dynamics and see if she is playing out the same patterns she learned as "normal." From all I read, it's very hard to reform someone who has a fear of intimacy. I've tried it myself, and it's heartbreaking to say the least. I have a fear of intimacy also. I fear it won't last and I will wake up one day to see a monster of a man who doesn't care about how I feel and about what I want....it's happened several times and I'm exploring why. Great thread. What else did the book say that stands out to you, Johan?
mousse Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think this scene from " good will hunting" is a good movie example of fear of intimacy. It's the scene where Will breaks up with his girlfriend.
Touche Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I think this scene from " good will hunting" is a good movie example of fear of intimacy. It's the scene where Will breaks up with his girlfriend. Great clip to include in this thread, Mousse! Do you recognize yourself in this scene, Johan? I'll be honest with you. When I read the first post in your thread I thought you were speaking about you...not your ex. Whoever brought up about you pursuing those who are unavailable (was it Story?) I believer was right. I've always suspected this of you. I've always thought that really you're the one who has this fear of intimacy. You're the one who can't even get close to your family...let alone anyone else. You say that you can in a romantic relationship, but can you? You choose women who for whatever reason, aren't really available to you. I think it's a way of not taking responsibility for YOUR fear of intimacy. It's so easy to blame the other party that way. But it's YOU who chooses these women. It's YOU who is wasting precious energy and emotion on a woman who has already proven herself to be unavailable. So you can see why I thought this thread was going to be about you.
Author johan Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 From all I read, it's very hard to reform someone who has a fear of intimacy. I've tried it myself, and it's heartbreaking to say the least. I have a fear of intimacy also. I fear it won't last and I will wake up one day to see a monster of a man who doesn't care about how I feel and about what I want....it's happened several times and I'm exploring why. Great thread. What else did the book say that stands out to you, Johan? I think the book is outstanding for a lot of the things it says. I was sitting in a meeting today, thinking what a drag it was but also how lucky I am to have the job I have. And I freaked myself out with the idea of just walking out and quitting. It occurred to me that there are people out there who would do that. There are people who can't hold a job. They show up late, deliver low quality and after deadlines, can't take direction, get angry at the boss, and end up quitting or getting fired. They bounce from job to job and each time everyone hopes this one will stick. Some of these people are really smart, and they have the potential to do great things if they would hang around. But the employer can't get enough quality work out of them, no matter what tactics they use. And after it's over the person thinks, "damn, that was a pretty good job. I wish I could live the kind of lifestyle a good job would provide." And the employer thinks, "smart, but useless. Too bad." People with the fear of intimacy problem are a lot like that. In a relationship they show up late, deliver low quality love and usually after it's expected, get upset and belligerent at their lover, and either break up or get dumped. They bounce from relationship to relationship and each time everyone hopes this will be "the one". Some of these people are really attractive and sweet, and they have the potential to be amazing mates. But the you can't get love out of them, no matter what tactics you try. Afterwards, both parties really regret the fact that it didn't work out. It's just a case of fear of failure. Some people can't try because the consequences of failing paralyze them. They'd rather just get out of the relationship or else settle for a no-risk one. You're the one who can't even get close to your family...let alone anyone else. You say that you can in a romantic relationship, but can you? I don't have any problem with it. I've done it several times. Intimacy doesn't bother me. You choose women who for whatever reason, aren't really available to you. I think it's a way of not taking responsibility for YOUR fear of intimacy. It's so easy to blame the other party that way. But it's YOU who chooses these women. It's YOU who is wasting precious energy and emotion on a woman who has already proven herself to be unavailable. So you can see why I thought this thread was going to be about you. Well, I can see how you might have thought that. But I don't choose those women because they are unavailable. I choose them before I realize it. And I stick it out because I fall for them and I keep thinking either what I'm getting is ok for now, or things will change if only (fill in excuse here). I wouldn't say I'm completely without intimacy problems. But when I find a sweetheart, I have no problem getting involved. And no special anxiety as we get closer. I may get close too fast, due to issues of my own. I love getting close to a woman who I respect and admire and who I find attractive. I have learned that I can't handle long-distance relationships though, mostly because the kind of intimacy I really need is just not possible. I spent a long time getting stiff-armed by my ex. And it may sound different to you, but to me it feels the same whether a woman can't be with me because she won't or because she can't. Getting together once in a while just isn't enough for me.
Touche Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I don't know. I think you DID know she had these issues. I think you knew early on. Think about it. Also, let me ask you this: When was the last time you were with a woman who was completely available and into you with no intimacy issues?
Author johan Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I don't know. I think you DID know she had these issues. I think you knew early on. Think about it. Also, let me ask you this: When was the last time you were with a woman who was completely available and into you with no intimacy issues? I figured out that she had issues. I couldn't figure out what they were. We had enough good going for us that it wasn't too hard to think the issues would get resolved over time. But I didn't really put my finger on what they were until recently. It's been a long time. It's no mystery what you're going to say next. So let me put your mind at ease: I didn't choose women I knew were unavailable. I just chose with my eyes instead of with my heart and brain. And those weren't good choices.
Touche Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I figured out that she had issues. I couldn't figure out what they were. We had enough good going for us that it wasn't too hard to think the issues would get resolved over time. But I didn't really put my finger on what they were until recently. It's been a long time. It's no mystery what you're going to say next. So let me put your mind at ease: I didn't choose women I knew were unavailable. I just chose with my eyes instead of with my heart and brain. And those weren't good choices. Well that last bit speaks volumes. Most of us change the way we choose a mate as we get older. We'd be fools if we didn't. Sounds like you're figuring out a lot of things. Like I've said I really hope some good comes out of this latest little setback.
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