johan Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Fear of Intimacy - defined as an anxious/fearful/angry reaction to anyone who tries to get to know you and/or expresses love for you. Had any problems with this yourself? Or maybe someone you dated had this problem?
Nemo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I have struggled with that my whole life. But I put it down to having a really small penis. No biggie.
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 When you google fear of intimacy- doesn't my picture come up? lol. I am that person... I do actually get anxious when someone expresses wanting a deeper connection with me. Even worse- I get angry at someone when I fall for them. I actually feel myself resenting them because I am falling for them. I have ruined some pretty good potential relationships because of this problem. I believe I have always been this way with men... But I got much worse after my divorce 6 years ago. I haven't connected with anyone in a healthy way since we split. As a result, I go through life dating people for very short periods of time and then finding something wrong with them and bolting... or I just date guys that I know I will never see myself being serious with. I date guys in their early 20's- just because I like the fact that I can't connect with them and therefore, they can't hurt me. It's messed up. I dont' want to be that person. Especially because I know that underneath it all I do have the capability of connecting- it's just the fear that always gets in the way.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I think I might. I crave love, but once I have it, I run.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 When you google fear of intimacy- doesn't my picture come up? lol. I am that person... I do actually get anxious when someone expresses wanting a deeper connection with me. Even worse- I get angry at someone when I fall for them. I actually feel myself resenting them because I am falling for them. I have ruined some pretty good potential relationships because of this problem. I believe I have always been this way with men... But I got much worse after my divorce 6 years ago. I haven't connected with anyone in a healthy way since we split. As a result, I go through life dating people for very short periods of time and then finding something wrong with them and bolting... or I just date guys that I know I will never see myself being serious with. I date guys in their early 20's- just because I like the fact that I can't connect with them and therefore, they can't hurt me. It's messed up. I dont' want to be that person. Especially because I know that underneath it all I do have the capability of connecting- it's just the fear that always gets in the way. I've been reading about this. It's how my ex was. There was no getting around her barriers. I guess the bright side is that I should have known when she turned hostile that that meant she was starting to really care for me. Unfortunately it also meant that we were all but doomed, given that I cared for her a great deal. As for myself, I can be intimate in romantic relationships. But it's extremely difficult for me to have close friendships with men or women. Or even family. If this is something you'd like to get a better understanding of, let me know.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I think I might. I crave love, but once I have it, I run. Why do you run? What happens?
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I always want to have a better understanding J... If you have thoughts or rants or confessions.. please shoot. I will say that I can be broken. I dont' get hostile 2 years down the road- I get anxious and put up barriers within a couple months. If someone can put up with my trepidation initially- I will break down and allow a connection once I start to feel safe with that person. My problem right now is that I won't even give anyone with potential a first chance. I always assume I will ruin it or it will end in pain- so I don't even go there. I feel things deeply- and I have a great amount of compassion for people. I do form bonds with friends and have a good connection with my dad. It's romance that causes me great angst. As much as I am aware of my problem- I am also cognizant of the fact that I am capable of overcoming it. I think the biggest set back I have ever had with this problem is the last guy I allowed myself to let go with. I decided to lay all my cards on the table with him and let myself go. He broke up with me and chastised me for being a crazy unreasonable horrible person. That set me way back- and I turtled again. In retrospect I know that he was the one who had the issue with connecting... but I allowed that 1 year relationship to psh me back into the mind set that I can't open up to anyone ever again. So, what exactly are your thoughts on this matter? Especially with regard to yourself, and why you think you are unable to connect with the important people in your life?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Why do you run? What happens? I almost feel grossed out. Like they are desperate or something. It's hard to explain.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I've been reading a book called, oddly enough, Fear of Intimacy. It's very, very enlightening. I almost feel like sending free copies out. It's not really meant to be a self-help book, as it is written for psychologists to read. But it's understandable. I wish my ex was able to open up like you describe, D. I wish that a lot. It's why people's recommendations to keep trying with her are so tempting. Because maybe she would open up someday. It's just weird how the barriers come up when someone offers you the thing you want most in the world. You would think you'd love to be loved, but a lot of people can't handle it. I've never understood why someone would do that. But it's all about defending yourself from imagined danger. Opening up and letting someone in can be a very frightening, and sometimes enraging, experience.
Storyrider Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Do you think that people with fear of intimacy are attracted to other people with fear of intimacy? That way at least when you chase them, you know they will run. Otherwise it is no fun.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Do you think that people with fear of intimacy are attracted to other people with fear of intimacy? That way at least when you chase them, you know they will run. Otherwise it is no fun. No, I don't think that. I'm not sure it's about fun either. I think people with a fear of intimacy might choose bad partners, like D-Lish described. That minimizes the risk. But I also think they often choose really good partners. But it's the good ones that get the most long-term resistance, and often end up completely frustrated.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I almost feel grossed out. Like they are desperate or something. It's hard to explain. How would being crazy about you make someone undesirable? Are you only interested in guys who aren't interested in you?
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 No, I don't think that. I'm not sure it's about fun either. I think people with a fear of intimacy might choose bad partners, like D-Lish described. That minimizes the risk. But I also think they often choose really good partners. But it's the good ones that get the most long-term resistance, and often end up completely frustrated. I do choose bad partners on purpose- or when I choose a good one with the best of intentions- I ultimately screw it up. When you choose bad partners or wrong partner- it does minimize the risk. I tell myself everyday that when I meet the right person that I will make every effort possible to be a better gf. I think that many people who have these kinds of fears are breakable. There will always be a select few that will go through life living unable to make connections. I am not sure if your ex is one of these people or not. If she is- there really isn't anything you can do about it- and you can take solace in the fact that you did everything you could to make things work.
Nemo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Why do you run? What happens? I almost feel grossed out. Like they are desperate or something. It's hard to explain. Because she is scared it will never live up to her expectations.
Storyrider Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I'm not sure there is only one kind of intimacy, and so it isn't always that one person is "good" at it and another person is "bad" at it. Some people envision intimacy as a kind of infinite free-fall into the other person's soul without a parachute, and nothing less will do. Others might find that scary as hell, and might prefer to trek in slowly by foot (but only so far in that it isn't too tiring to make it out again.) So you have to find someone who shares your concept of intimacy. If snuggling up in front of a movie together feels intimate to me but feels like a waste of time to my partner, who feels that being naked in a lip lock is the only path to intimacy, we're just not in sync. And then, I guess what I meant by my first post is that, if one person is always inching closer and the other is always inching away, then you have a negative pattern established in the relationship. But that pattern is a problem with both people, not just the person who is inching away. It is a two-way dynamic.
Lovelybird Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 maybe she realized that she rely on you too much, and that made her uncomfortable, same time probably you didn't meet her uncommunicated expectations, so she became hostile towards you, thought you hurt her on purpose
sunshinegirl Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I suppose everyone has a fear of intimacy to some degree. My ex? I am speculating but at this point I think he may be incapable of having an intimate relationship. He is shockingly cut off from his feelings, intellectualizes everything, holds everyone at bay, rarely self-discloses, and can't empathize with others. His 12-year marriage was, by all accounts, bad and getting worse from the early years onward. As I understand it, his wife eventually left him for a man she could get close to, emotionally speaking. I think I made the mistake of falling in love with his potential for intimacy. He would say I got him to open up (or at least talk) more than anyone else, but he still ultimately fled the relationship by cheating. I had my own reasons for choosing someone so closed off, not as much fear of intimacy as replaying old patterns with unavailable partners.
Tony T Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I get angry at someone when I fall for them. I actually feel myself resenting them because I am falling for them. Could this be why so many women are angry at me and resent the hell out of me.....BECAUSE THEY REALLY LOVE ME???
Storyrider Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Because she is scared it will never live up to her expectations. Well, it never will, will it?
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Do you think that people with fear of intimacy are attracted to other people with fear of intimacy? Absolutely. How would being crazy about you make someone undesirable? Are you only interested in guys who aren't interested in you? As to the first question, it just does. As for the second, NO. I am not interested in someone who's not interested in me. Interest and intimacy are two very, very different things. Because she is scared it will never live up to her expectations. Interesting thought...
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Could this be why so many women are angry at me and resent the hell out of me.....BECAUSE THEY REALLY LOVE ME??? Yes... that is entirely possible!
Nemo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Could this be why so many women are angry at me and resent the hell out of me.....BECAUSE THEY REALLY LOVE ME??? Do they resent the hell out of you more than six times a night?
Nemo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 some people just fear to expose themselves I get it. If you don't have any fear of intimacy, then you must be a flasher.
Author johan Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Because she is scared it will never live up to her expectations. Seems contradictory, if you look at what Star has actually accepted from guys. It seems more accurate to think that maybe she's afraid that it will exceed her expectations. If snuggling up in front of a movie together feels intimate to me but feels like a waste of time to my partner, who feels that being naked in a lip lock is the only path to intimacy, we're just not in sync. And then, I guess what I meant by my first post is that, if one person is always inching closer and the other is always inching away, then you have a negative pattern established in the relationship. Maybe we should define "intimacy" then. In this case it means "being cared about". We're not talking about a fear of acting intimately. We're more talking about a fear of being loved for real. maybe she realized that she rely on you too much, and that made her uncomfortable, same time probably you didn't meet her uncommunicated expectations, so she became hostile towards you, thought you hurt her on purpose I think you're mostly right. Except she never allowed herself to rely on me at all for anything.
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