I'm new here! Break up story (somewhat long)

[crux80]

The last I heard from my ex-girlfriend was 9 months ago. She randomly called me in October 2007, which was the first time I heard from her in the 8 months after our break up. But maybe I should start off explaining the break up. Sorry if I seem to be explaining it backwards. We got back together on Christmas of 2006, after being broken up since August of 2000. So it had been a while.

 

I had still loved her and had all the same feelings for her during our (almost) 7 year separation. Deep down, I always wanted her back, and I always wished we could get back together. So when it happened that Christmas, it almost seemed unreal, like I couldn't believe it was actually finally happening, after years of maintaining somewhat of a friendship through random and sporadic moments of communication with her, such as letters, texts, emails and such.

 

When we finally got together again, she told me that the reason we didn't get together before this was because she was scared. Her exact words were, "It's scary because it's so intense," and then she added, "this time, I'm just going to dive in head first." At the time she said this, I didn't know exactly what she meant, and I probably still don't really know.

 

So we spent every weekend together at first, and eventually started to spend even more time together. It got to the point where I'd drive up to her place and spend the weekend there. She told me everything I could ever have imagined wanting to hear. She said that she had to go through all those bad relationships to know the difference between "bad love" and good love. She said all of that was what brought her here, back with me.

 

She told me I was her dream come true, and that she was ecstatic that we're together again. Her mother even said that she seems happier, and she'd read and share certain things I wrote out loud to her mother (I write lyrics/poetry and stuff like that) just to let her mother know how beautiful I was (she told me this, I'm not saying it about myself). She said she loved me unconditionally and even started talking about kids and getting married someday. I can go on all day about all those things she said, calling me when she couldn't sleep just to talk, checking in with me after my long drive back from her house, to see if I was okay and all that stuff.

 

So it did seem like a dream come true. I felt that finally, after all this time, things are the way I had always hoped they would be, they are finally the way I always thought they would be. She called me one night asking me if I felt things were moving along too fast, with her talks of marriage and all that stuff. I told her no, I didn't think so. She agreed with me, and said she was just wondering.

 

So one Friday night in late January 2007, I got out of work and headed up there. When I got there, she was acting sort of distant and quiet. I had no idea why or what happened. She wasn't totally distant, but it was definitely noticeable. Anyway, we sat on her bed and watched TV and we were both quiet.

 

At one point, she suddenly moved up to me and gave me a really fast kiss on the lips, and then just as quickly, she went back to the position she was in, laying down on the bed looking at the TV. I asked her what was up, and she said she had a lot on her mind. This was a few weeks after her late night call asking me if things were going too fast, so I was surprised when she told me now that she changed her mind, and now she did think it was going too fast.

 

She asked me if I would go home, and then I was really confused. I thought she was about to break up with me. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't cry or anything, but I did get a little bit emotional, I didn't know what to feel or think. So I drove all the way back home, having no clue what was going on.

 

The next morning, I got a call from her asking if I was okay. I said yes, I was, and asked if she was. She sounded more like herself. She apologized and told me that sometimes when she's in a relationship, she has trouble remembering how happy she is with the person if she hasn't seen them in a while. Which confused me more, because we had just seen each other a few days ago.

 

She said, "Do you want to come back up here? I mean, it's up to you. You don't have to, you can if you want." So of course I said I would, and I ended up spending the night again. She was still a little bit distant, but it was mostly physical. Every time I slept over before, I would sort of have her in my arms the whole night, and she wanted it that way, but when I went to get in our usual sleeping position, she claimed her side was hurting, which I didn't believe, but I guess she didn't want my arm around her.

 

We spent the rest of the next day together, we watched a movie, and she even made another reference to having children someday, which was just another thing adding to my confusion of what was going on here. But I figured things would get better soon, I thought whatever it was had blown over and hopefully things would get back to normal. But they didn't.

 

Two days later, she broke up with me, and she did it over the phone. She claimed that she was "shocked" to realize that she just doesn't have romantic feelings for me. Which is something she has said in the past before, as a reason we couldn't get back together. So it was nothing new. It all came as a shock to me as well. I didn't see it coming and it seemed so surreal, like it couldn't be happening.

 

So after all that, suddenly no more romantic feelings. That was her reason. I had a lot of personal belongings up at her house. So a week after the break up, she contacted me about it. She wanted to know if I could come get it. I said fine, I will, and I was prepared to head up there after work to pick it up. She called later that afternoon and said that she was feeling sick and she said I could come up some other night and get it. So of course a million different things are racing through my head about what her being "sick" really meant. But that phone call, which was in early February, would be the last time I heard from her until October.

 

She randomly called me in October, saying that she missed me, and needed to hear my voice, and needed to talk to someone who knows her. She said she was going through a rough patch in her life right now, but didn't really elaborate on it. She apologized for all that had happened in January when we were together, and the break up. But she also said, "I'm not calling to get back together," but then she asked me if I was seeing anyone, or if I had seen anyone since we broke up. I was honest, and I said no to both questions.

 

I told her I couldn't, and wouldn't, be "just friends" with her anymore. I just can't do it. And I don't want to do it. I pretty much went on a rant about it and let it all out, in all honesty. She said she understood, and we ended up hanging up, the last thing she said was "take care." I ended up writing a letter to her explaining in better words and in less haste, how I felt and how the situation had to be, which was no contact at all. Someone in my family ended up going up to her place to pick up my belongings, she wasn't home anyone, her mother was there.

 

I texted her to let her know I had my stuff back. She was texting me something, trying to be funny to lighten the mood, making some sort of stupid joke and saying "Oh please forgive me, I'm just trying to be funny," but I wasn't interested. I told her I would miss her though, and she said nothing back. That was in October 2007, which was while ago now, I know, but I haven't felt like I wanted to let it all out until now I guess. Sorry if this is too long. This is a girl I've known for almost 10 years, who seems to constantly come and go from my life in one way or another. Because of my no contact in any way, shape or form rule, I don't think she'd call me or write to me.

 

I still struggle to make sense of what happened though, and it sucks not knowing the reasons why. It's hard to just move on and forget someone who love so much, and for so long. I'm glad I found this board where people understand and can relate. Anyway, that's my story for now.

[northstar1]

The last I heard from my ex-girlfriend was 9 months ago. She randomly called me in October 2007, which was the first time I heard from her in the 8 months after our break up. But maybe I should start off explaining the break up. Sorry if I seem to be explaining it backwards. We got back together on Christmas of 2006, after being broken up since August of 2000. So it had been a while.

 

I had still loved her and had all the same feelings for her during our (almost) 7 year separation. Deep down, I always wanted her back, and I always wished we could get back together. So when it happened that Christmas, it almost seemed unreal, like I couldn't believe it was actually finally happening, after years of maintaining somewhat of a friendship through random and sporadic moments of communication with her, such as letters, texts, emails and such.

 

When we finally got together again, she told me that the reason we didn't get together before this was because she was scared. Her exact words were, "It's scary because it's so intense," and then she added, "this time, I'm just going to dive in head first." At the time she said this, I didn't know exactly what she meant, and I probably still don't really know.

 

So we spent every weekend together at first, and eventually started to spend even more time together. It got to the point where I'd drive up to her place and spend the weekend there. She told me everything I could ever have imagined wanting to hear. She said that she had to go through all those bad relationships to know the difference between "bad love" and good love. She said all of that was what brought her here, back with me.

 

She told me I was her dream come true, and that she was ecstatic that we're together again. Her mother even said that she seems happier, and she'd read and share certain things I wrote outloud to her mother (I write lyrics/poetry and stuff like that) just to let her mother know how beautiful I was (she told me this, I'm not saying it about myself). She said she loved me unconditionally and even started talking about kids and getting married someday. I can go on all day about all those things she said, calling me when she couldn't sleep just to talk, checking in with me after my long drive back from her house, to see if I was okay and all that stuff.

 

So it did seem like a dream come true. I felt that finally, after all this time, things are the way I had always hoped they would be, they are finally the way I always thought they would be. She called me one night asking me if I felt things were moving along too fast, with her talks of marriage and all that stuff. I told her no, I didn't think so. She agreed with me, and said she was just wondering.

 

So one Friday night in late January 2007, I got out of work and headed up there. When I got there, she was acting sort of distant and quiet. I had no idea why or what happened. She wasn't totally distant, but it was definitely noticeable. Anyway, we sat on her bed and watched TV and we were both quiet.

 

At one point, she suddenly moved up to me and gave me a really fast kiss on the lips, and then just as quickly, she went back to the position she was in, laying down on the bed looking at the TV. I asked her what was up, and she said she had a lot on her mind. This was a few weeks after her late night call asking me if things were going too fast, so I was surprised when she told me now that she changed her mind, and now she did think it was going too fast.

 

She asked me if I would go home, and then I was really confused. I thought she was about to break up with me. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't cry or anything, but I did get a little bit emotional, I didn't know what to feel or think. So I drove all the way back home, having no clue what was going on.

 

The next morning, I got a call from her asking if I was okay. I said yes, I was, and asked if she was. She sounded more like herself. She apologized and told me that sometimes when she's in a relatitonship, she has trouble remembering how happy she is with the person if she hasn't seen them in a while. Which confused me more, because we had just seen eachother a few days ago.

 

She said, "Do you want to come back up here? I mean, it's up to you. You don't have to, you can if you want." So of course I said I would, and I ended up spending the night again. She was still a little bit distant, but it was mostly physical. Every time I slept over before, I would sort of have her in my arms the whole night, and she wanted it that way, but when I went to get in our usual sleeping position, she claimed her side was huring, which I didn't believe, but I guess she didn't want my arm around her.

 

We spent the rest of the next day together, we watched a movie, and she even made another reference to having children someday, which was just another thing adding to my confusion of what was going on here. But I figured things would get better soon, I thought whatever it was had blown over and hopefully things would get back to normal. But they didn't.

 

Two days later, she broke up with me, and she did it over the phone. She claimed that she was "shocked" to realize that she just doesn't have romantic feelings for me. Which is something she has said in the past before, as a reason we couldn't get back together. So it was nothing new. It all came as a shock to me as well. I didn't see it coming and it seemed so surreal, like it couldn't be happening.

 

So after all that, suddenly no more romantic feelings. That was her reason. I had a lot of personal belongings up at her house. So a week after the break up, she contacted me about it. She wanted to know if I could come get it. I said fine, I will, and I was prepared to head up there after work to pick it up. She called later that afternoon and said that she was feeling sick and she said I could come up some other night and get it. So of course a million different things are racing through my head about what her being "sick" really meant. But that phone call, which was in early February, would be the last time I heard from her until October.

 

She randomly called me in October, saying that she missed me, and needed to hear my voice, and needed to talk to someone who knows her. She said she was going through a rough patch in her life right now, but didn't really elaborate on it. She apologized for all that had happened in January when we were together, and the break up. But she also said, "I'm not calling to get back together," but then she asked me if I was seeing anyone, or if I had seen anyone since we broke up. I was honest, and I said no to both questions.

 

I told her I couldn't, and wouldn't, be "just friends" with her anymore. I just can't do it. And I don't want to do it. I pretty much went on a rant about it and let it all out, in all honesty. She said she understood, and we ended up hanging up, the last thing she said was "take care." I ended up writing a letter to her explaining in better words and in less haste, how I felt and how the situation had to be, which was no contact at all. Someone in my family ended up going up to her place to pick up my belongings, she wasn't home anyone, her mother was there.

 

I texted her to let her know I had my stuff back. She was texting me something, trying to be funny to lighten the mood, making some sort of stupid joke and saying "Oh please forgive me, I'm just trying to be funny," but I wasn't interested. I told her I would miss her though, and she said nothing back. That was in October 2007, which was while ago now, I know, but I haven't felt like I wanted to let it all out until now I guess. Sorry if this is too long. This is a girl I've known for almost 10 years, who seems to constantly come and go from my life in one way or another. Because of my no contact in any way, shape or form rule, I don't think she'd call me or write to me.

 

I still struggle to make sense of what happened though, and it sucks not knowing the reasons why. It's hard to just move on and forget someone who love so much, and for so long. I'm glad I found this board where people understand and can relate. Anyway, that's my story for now.

 

That's a tough story man.

Welcome to the board - this is a good place to let out your thoughts, and you'll get a lot of good advice and people giving you their own stories.

 

So, since October, you've had no contact at all?

[crux80]

Well this is the latest chapter of my story with this girl, I figured it was the only relevant one at the moment, because it's the most recent.

 

That's correct, we have had no contact at all since October of last year. We have gone longer than this without contact a few times during our 10 years of knowing each other, but it hasn't happened often. Not that I'm really expecting her to contact me, because I basically told her that if we can't be together, then I can't be "just a friend," because it kills me, and I don't want to see her with some other guy. I've been there, done that in the past, and I'm not putting myself through it again.

 

But I'm sure you all know that you can't just make yourself stop feeling something for someone. She called me wanting to keep up some kind of contact, but I just can't do it. She pops into my head every day, and I know I'll never be able to forget her, and I know I'll always feel this way about her, but that doesn't automatically mean things will be a certain way. I just feel that if I said yes to her about being just friends, then it would hold me back from ever really healing and moving on, if that is at all possible.

[PandaStillLovesBunny]

7 years? Blimey. I hope I can still remember my exes after that much time has passed.

[northstar1]

Well this is the latest chapter of my story with this girl, I figured it was the only relevant one at the moment, because it's the most recent.

 

That's correct, we have had no contact at all since October of last year. We have gone longer than this without contact a few times during our 10 years of knowing each other, but it hasn't happened often. Not that I'm really expecting her to contact me, because I basically told her that if we can't be together, then I can't be "just a friend," because it kills me, and I don't want to see her with some other guy. I've been there, done that in the past, and I'm not putting myself through it again.

 

But I'm sure you all know that you can't just make yourself stop feeling something for someone. She called me wanting to keep up some kind of contact, but I just can't do it. She pops into my head every day, and I know I'll never be able to forget her, and I know I'll always feel this way about her, but that doesn't automatically mean things will be a certain way. I just feel that if I said yes to her about being just friends, then it would hold me back from ever really healing and moving on, if that is at all possible.

 

Well, I do have to give you credit for being able to recognize you can't just be friends and being able to maintain no contact for so long.

 

And yes, I agree, you can't necessarily stop yourself from your feelings about an ex. It's only been weeks for me, and I still think of her every day. That is why haivng no contact for most is the only way to finally move on - but how long that takes is different for all of us.

 

Have you been able to date others since your final breakup?

[crux80]

I should make it clear first, that I'm not fighting any urge to contact her. I see a lot of posts her about wanting to break contact or feeling like we should break contact, but in my situation, I'm the one who told her that I don't want contact.

 

I've been there for her unconditionally for all these years, whenever she needed me, I was there. And I've done a lot. But after this latest thing that she did to me, I just can't feel the sympathy when she calls me telling me she's in a "rough patch." I wonder how rough it really is, or if she was just trying to make me feel bad for her instead of mad. I don't know. It just sucks being confused all the time, wondering what the hell happened, what went wrong, and why it was so easy for her to just do a total 180 and end it all out of the blue. I don't get it.

[crux80]

To answer your question, no I haven't been able to date anyone else. I was never much of the dating type in the first place. Not that I'm waiting around for her to "come to her senses" or anything like that. Because I really don't think we will be back together again.

 

But I just have no interest in dating right now. I'd rather be alone and not have to deal with people and their BS. I was never the most social person in the world anyway, but maybe that's a topic for another kind of board.

[northstar1]

To answer your question, no I haven't been able to date anyone else. I was never much of the dating type in the first place. Not that I'm waiting around for her to "come to her senses" or anything like that. Because I really don't think we will be back together again.

 

But I just have no interest in dating right now. I'd rather be alone and not have to deal with people and their BS. I was never the most social person in the world anyway, but maybe that's a topic for another kind of board.

 

Well, you seem to be doing pretty well, all things considered - a lot of people on here would like to have your resolve.

 

I'm sure you'll end up in a space where you want to date again one day.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

[kizik]

Crux,

 

I'm intrigued with your story, as it is eerily similar to mine. I dated a girl back in high school for two years, and we ended up getting back together 5 years later. I was 21. Well, we broke up 2 months ago after a 3 year relationship. I had known her since I was 12 years old, so it's losing a lifelong friend as well as a lover. And we were also in a long-distance relationship, as you were.

 

I think mentally you are doing well, considering what happened. Who knows why people fall out of love? Often times, they themselves do not know. I can imagine the loop she threw you for, and how that hurt your self-esteem. It's a bad idea to try to figure out "where it all went wrong," because that has nothing to do with you. You were there for her, you loved her, you would have done anything for her. But her feelings for you changed, and sadly there is often no explanation or logical reason for such change.

 

Do yourself a favor and stop trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. As far as dating, I think you need to get back out there and meet someone new, ASAP. This is a great way to get over someone; by getting interested in someone else. I think you are cynical about dating, but enough time has passed that you should be more optimistic. Don't live out a self-fulfilling prophecy where people suck, and no one likes you. This will make you seem bitter, which in turn will make you unattractive.

[crux80]

Just for the record, mine was not a long distance relationship. She lived about 45 minutes away, but I saw her every weekend, at least. Sometimes during the week as well.

 

I guess everyone will have a different idea of what happened. The thing about her "falling out of love" interests me. Because it's hard to believe someone could fall out of love that fast, within one week. I'm in love with you this week, but next week, it's all gone?

 

During the break up phone call, she said, "It's not that I don't love you..." but then she went on to the "no romantic feelings" line. So when she said that, I asked her if everything she said while we were together was a lie. And she said, "If that's what you have to believe to get mad enough," Mad enough? What does that mean? Mad enough for what?

 

I just don't get it. I know, I shouldn't think about it. I should move on and all that, but it's just something that I'll always in the back of my mind, just have there. It'll always be there, I know. It doesn't mean I can't move on, but I believe some wounds never heal, we just have to live with them. That's the way life is.

 

I guess I don't really expect to ever figure it out.