katie1487 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 i had been going out with my partner for about 6 months before he went to thialand (for 6 months)to do kick boxing, now i really love him and i know he loves me. but after about 3 months of him being away i started freaking out a bit....why was i waiting for this person after so short a time....i mean....he was in thialand for goodness sake!!! i missed him so much and all i got from him was....i went here....i went there......i did this..... i did that. no how are you or anything. so one night i slept with the first guy who showed me a bit of attention! i felt instantly **** about it and have been guilt ridden since. especialy since i told my boyf how i felt and now he asks how im doing and is more careful of what he says. im a total bitch and i dont know whether to tell him or not coz i know if i do it will break his heart. please help. ps. i understand if you guys think im an idiot..please be honest in ur reply.
dogtown Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 You weren't that torn up when he left? Then you realized that you "love him". You never loved him. You just started to miss him...which should not be mistaken for loving him. It's natural to really miss someone you care about when you go from seeing them several times a week to not seeing them at all. And then the trump card...you slept with someone because they showed you "affection". Face it, you never loved this muay thai fighter in the first place, you just missed the comfort of the relationship. Now you have to tell him. You made the choice to cheat. Now he has the choice as whether or not he wants to stay with you. Learn from this.
Author katie1487 Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 i was torn up when he left, i was really upset actualy.
imbewildered Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 And then the trump card...you slept with someone because they showed you "affection". Face it, you never loved this muay thai fighter in the first place, you just missed the comfort of the relationship. Now you have to tell him. You made the choice to cheat. Now he has the choice as whether or not he wants to stay with you. Learn from this. Tell him when he gets back.Tell him when you pick him up at the airport . He is entitled to know EXACTLY what kind of woman he is coming back to. YOu cheated on him for no legitimate reason so don't lie about it for one sorry second longer that you have to.
Author katie1487 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 i was asking for advice not a bashing!!!! i feel bad enough as it is. i know what i did was wrong. but thanks anyway
trubella Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 im not here to judge, i just wanted to say i understand missing someone and not getting attention from the person you love when theyre away for a significant amount of time as im currently experiencing this myself. ive had many chances, tempations to see other men.. (a few close calls) but ive been able to remain faithful so far. hasnt been an easy road. when he does get back do you really think you could keep it to yourself and not have that on your conscience? if you do love him like you say do, you should tell him the truth. it may or may not mean the end of things but he deserves to know. if the roles were reversed im sure you'd like to know as well instead of being kept in the dark.
theobserver Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Tiger when you ask people for advice you're supposed to take in the negative as well as the positive it's the only way we learn. Yes you feel horrible and you may feel others are attacking you but please many of us have been on this forum a long time we've seen this a million times have a look around this forum at the pain others have suffered before you go off because you got advice you didn't want to hear. You're after sympathy you'll get a little but not a lot, and I doubt anybody will tell you to just forget about it. You know why? Because that's a shi*ty thing to do. Now nobody can tell you that you don't love this man BUT at the same time you slept with someone else due to your boyfriend being away and his lack of attention to your feelings while he was away I'm sure you didn't want him to leave but you have betrayed his trust. You could of avoided this by simply telling your boyfriend early on that you find it disrespectful he's talking about everything he's doing and now how you are and what you're up to he's not a mind reader. You must to tell him the truth or else the rest of the relationship will be a lie not only to yourself but more importantly to him he will be wasting his life with someone who has betrayed him and he doesn't even know. ( Trust me it will be a burden off your shoulders as I can feel this is eating you alive especially now he is caring more about your well being in the phone calls) It will be his choice if he wishes to forgive you or not you don't have to tell him now because it could effect his time abroad in the fights but you must tell him when he's back and in the mean time stay faithful. On the otherhand if you really can't deal with the long distance then do him a favour and break it off in the nicest possible way to leave him his pride. I hope you don't find my words too harsh you sound young and I guess that's why your so angered nobody is on your side this is the real world and these are real peoples opinions. Good Luck and Chin up it's not the end of the world.
Author katie1487 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 i know your right its just hard as i know it will hurt him so..
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Don't worry about it. If he's in Thailand, he's screwing around, too. Just have your fun and wait until he gets home then go from there.
mental_traveller Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You should tell him and explain the reasons - he has a right to know the truth, rather than staying with you on false pretences. Let him make a fair, informed choice about whether to stay together or not, rather than denying him that right. However, I would say that if you slept with another guy within 3 months just for a bit of attention, your bf probably isn't the guy for you.
mental_traveller Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Don't worry about it. If he's in Thailand, he's screwing around, too. Just have your fun and wait until he gets home then go from there. Way to generalise. You have no idea if he is screwing around or being totally faithful. All countries have women so travelling to one doesn't mean any more or less than going to another.
Bryanp Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You either have honesty and respect in a relationship or lies and deceit. If you have any respect for him and wish to have a meaningful serious relationship with him in the future then you need to tell him the truth. I think you know this also.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 What I meant was it sounds like he was distancing himself from her for a while, not asking about how she was over the phone? Yeah, he was cheating, if he's still not. That's the fun part of being young and traveling. Not cheating, perse, but having exotic affairs in other countries. I think when he comes back, just pretend like it's a clean slate. I guarantee he won't tell you anything, if he's still interested in a relationship when he returns. Don't tell him! I mean it's not like you are engaged or married or anything, you're DATING. and that can have a lot of implications. To lots of people, it implies that you are seeing other people too, it's not a committed relationship. So...what if you worry about this for months until he returns. He comes back and promptly gives you the "I've had some time to think while I was away...let's break up" speech. Then you just wasted the whole summer fretting over this one guy when you could have been out there having fun and enjoying your young life! Who knows, maybe you'll even meet someone better than this guy in Thailand!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 so one night i slept with the first guy who showed me a bit of attention! i felt instantly **** about it and have been guilt ridden since. especialy since i told my boyf how i felt and now he asks how im doing and is more careful of what he says. im a total bitch and i dont know whether to tell him or not coz i know if i do it will break his heart. Grow a spine and tell him! Tell him right now! Because your relationship is WORTHLESS if you can't be honest with him... and he DESERVES to have a choice to stay or go. Right now, your wasting his time and yours.... so go tell him now. Ugh... and stop jumping on the first guy that shows you attention. Your worth more than that!
theobserver Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 What I meant was it sounds like he was distancing himself from her for a while, not asking about how she was over the phone? Yeah, he was cheating, if he's still not. That's the fun part of being young and traveling. Not cheating, perse, but having exotic affairs in other countries. You have such a dismal outlook I don't even know where to start . 1. Way to make unknown fact statements on a person we only have a few vague lines of text on. 2. He went to Thailand for Kickboxing obviously Muay Thai Kickboxing if he's the real deal and his girlfriend probably knows his going away 6 months for the training is not uncommon at all considering he's a martial artist/studying it. The ego on talking about himself because he's having alot of fun is understandable and sometimes when people are away they feel the other person just wants to know what they did presuming the other partner is having a boring normal life it's wrong but an easy mistake especially when your young. The only real point here is, he took this relationship Long Distance when it wasn't strong enough to survive In my opinion. They haven't been dating that long and she the OP the person who actually cheated a real FACT didn't yet develop that sense of loyalty and emotional reserve to wait. I don't know who hurt you to think when a mans abroad he'll sleep around/flirt and it's not cheating. Not all men are like that or women. Some people whore themselves out when they go on holidays because the truth is that's who they really are and are not satisfied back home others who are extremely happy go abroad and don't need to sh*g and chat up other women they enjoy the holiday for what it is a break not a chance to cheat because the chance of being caught is low. In this case the cats away and the mouse played. I doubt OP is coming back anyway. If you are still reading this I hope you come to a good decision.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Don't make this into my issue. It just didn't sound like he was that into her when he was calling and couldn't really care less about her over the phone. Also they are "dating" not "committed" so that can leave a lot of doors open in this situation. Why should she wait around for a guy who very well could be sleeping around also? He hasn't obviously shown her he's emotionally invested and it doesn't sound like they had a specific agreement to not see other people. You have such a dismal outlook I don't even know where to start . 1. Way to make unknown fact statements on a person we only have a few vague lines of text on. 2. He went to Thailand for Kickboxing obviously Muay Thai Kickboxing if he's the real deal and his girlfriend probably knows his going away 6 months for the training is not uncommon at all considering he's a martial artist/studying it. The ego on talking about himself because he's having alot of fun is understandable and sometimes when people are away they feel the other person just wants to know what they did presuming the other partner is having a boring normal life it's wrong but an easy mistake especially when your young. The only real point here is, he took this relationship Long Distance when it wasn't strong enough to survive In my opinion. They haven't been dating that long and she the OP the person who actually cheated a real FACT didn't yet develop that sense of loyalty and emotional reserve to wait. I don't know who hurt you to think when a mans abroad he'll sleep around/flirt and it's not cheating. Not all men are like that or women. Some people whore themselves out when they go on holidays because the truth is that's who they really are and are not satisfied back home others who are extremely happy go abroad and don't need to sh*g and chat up other women they enjoy the holiday for what it is a break not a chance to cheat because the chance of being caught is low. In this case the cats away and the mouse played. I doubt OP is coming back anyway. If you are still reading this I hope you come to a good decision.
vivrantflo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It just didn't sound like he was that into her when he was calling and couldn't really care less about her over the phone. Where do you get that from?? In no where in the original post did Katie say that her bf didn't care about her over the phone. What it sounds like is a lame excuse to "justify" her cheating on him. Cause without that, im sure the bf has done nothing wrong. Especially to warrant cheating. Also they are "dating" not "committed" so that can leave a lot of doors open in this situation. What?? I don't know about you, but this description sounds like they are committed to me. i had been going out with my partner for about 6 months before he went to thialand (for 6 months)to do kick boxing, now i really love him and i know he loves me. Why should she wait around for a guy who very well could be sleeping around also? He hasn't obviously shown her he's emotionally invested and it doesn't sound like they had a specific agreement to not see other people. LOL, you know NOTHING about the OP's bf, and you've labelled him a cheater. Why?? Cause he's abroad?? He could live next door to her and cheat if he wanted to. It's about character, NOT location. especialy since i told my boyf how i felt and now he asks how im doing and is more careful of what he says. This also sounds like he does care about you. You let him know that you were upset about him not asking how you are, and he since changed that. im a total bitch and i dont know whether to tell him or not coz i know if i do it will break his heart. You're not a bad person.. being a bad person would be to assume that he's cheating on you over there, just because you cheated on him. That's twisted logic. You just made a terrible choice, and now you AND him have to live with that choice. Be honest with him. It's up to him where to go from there.
vivrantflo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Wow, I totally messed up the quoting in that post lol Im sure you can make sense of it.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 She said they were just "going out" for 6 months. That leaves a lot open to interpretation. And it is true, we don't know everything he's doing over in Thailand.
BUENG1 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 She said they were just "going out" for 6 months. That leaves a lot open to interpretation. And it is true, we don't know everything he's doing over in Thailand. If there is nothing wrong with what she is doing then I don't see what the problem is in telling him.
Enema Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Tell him now, not when he gets back. I think he has a right to know and god, he's in Thailand... if he wants to end it with you, he should at least get to make it with some hot asians before coming back.
SueBee3490 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 If there is nothing wrong with what she is doing then I don't see what the problem is in telling him. That's what I'm thinking. Obviously the R had progressed to more of a "committed" level or she wouldn't feel so bad about what she has done. If they were "just dating" and it was understood between the 2 that it is not serious, they are just having fun, then she could casually tell him that she went out with this other guy, the same as he could tell her if he's went out on her. Sounds like it's progressed up a notch and she's feeling the guilt.
Author katie1487 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 well guys, i told him, i couldnt not really. he got so upset that felt like scum..(yes...even worse than i felt before). now he says we will talk when he gets back and he is being very dissmissive on the phone now. there is a part of me that feels better for it tho...al be it a very small part. i guess i deserve it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 well guys, i told him, i couldnt not really. he got so upset that felt like scum..(yes...even worse than i felt before). now he says we will talk when he gets back and he is being very dissmissive on the phone now. there is a part of me that feels better for it tho...al be it a very small part. i guess i deserve it. You did the right thing. No matter what happens, you can at least walk away knowing that you were honest. That means alot. He may be upset now, but down the road the will respect that honesty. Don't let anyone call you names or insult you for this! This is not license for him to use you as a verbal punching bag. Here is the best way to tell. If it builds trust between you two, then its probably good. If it just makes you feel bad... then it's probably not good.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Since you've told him, i'm guessing the weight's off your shoulder. But what do you think he'll do when he gets back?
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