silvergirl Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I have been dating the same guy for 3 years, and he refuses to invite me to his home. We have to stay in hotels. He says that it is the only part of him he hasn't given me, but I just can't understand it. Does anyone have any advice? He came from a really bad divorce and his guard is up when it comes to commitment.
Trialbyfire Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 3 years? Are you 100% certain he's not previously committed to another significant other? I would do some research, if I were you.
lemony fresh Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Does he have kids you don't know about? Does he have another girlfriend or wife? Does he live in a dump and is embarrassed to show you where he lives? All are possibilities. My buess is that you are the other woman and he is married.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Maybe you should be happy and just not be concerned. Maybe something is going on at his home or his home are the hotels. Maybe he is a total slob and doesn't want to put you off by his mess. DNR
porter218 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Because his wife wouldn't be too happy about you coming to their home. You need to be much more suspicious then this hun, I couldn't go 3 weeks like that so 3yrs is unimaginable. Do you even have his home # or just his cellphone #?
lemony fresh Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Don't follow this advice. Maybe you should be happy and just not be concerned. Maybe something is going on at his home or his home are the hotels. Maybe he is a total slob and doesn't want to put you off by his mess. DNR
johan Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I have been dating the same guy for 3 years, and he refuses to invite me to his home. We have to stay in hotels. He says that it is the only part of him he hasn't given me, but I just can't understand it. Does anyone have any advice? He came from a really bad divorce and his guard is up when it comes to commitment. There are several plausible explanations, none of which are favorable. He could be homeless. His place may be in extreme disrepair and disgustingly messy. He has a family there that wouldn't be pleased to see you. Bringing you to his place has no relationship to commitment. If he's drawing that parallel, that's just as bad as the above explanations. You could be sneaky and have someone follow him home and make some observations. You'd have to be extra sneaky to do it yourself. But if this is what you have to resort to, then I'd say you know enough already. The rest of the story isn't necessary.
Author silvergirl Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 of course I've done the sneaky stuff, I have his home number and call him at all times, as he calls me. I've driven by his home on numerous occassions and there is nothing there but him, unless the "wife & kids" don't have a car. He is very self-consciuos and my friends think he may worry what I think of his home. He has promised me that he will invite me "THIS" year, and he always slips up about things he's remodeling in his home. I still can't help but wonder though, some times I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.
Trialbyfire Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 of course I've done the sneaky stuff, I have his home number and call him at all times, as he calls me. I've driven by his home on numerous occassions and there is nothing there but him, unless the "wife & kids" don't have a car. He is very self-consciuos and my friends think he may worry what I think of his home. He has promised me that he will invite me "THIS" year, and he always slips up about things he's remodeling in his home. I still can't help but wonder though, some times I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Have you seen him in his home or recognize his car in the driveway? Did you do a reverse lookup on his home number?
porter218 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 of course I've done the sneaky stuff, I have his home number and call him at all times, as he calls me. I've driven by his home on numerous occassions and there is nothing there but him, unless the "wife & kids" don't have a car. He is very self-consciuos and my friends think he may worry what I think of his home. He has promised me that he will invite me "THIS" year, and he always slips up about things he's remodeling in his home. I still can't help but wonder though, some times I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Well with this knowledge my official conclusion here is...He dates more then one woman at a time. If they were to feel free to come to his house then he would get caught up in his own game. He probably isn't married but you still are not the only woman. Maybe he is thinking that within this year he will give the others up and that is why he is saying he will bring you home this year. This would also explain what he meant by commitment issues. Or his divorce isn't final yet and his wife still come by on occasion and he wants to keep up the pretense of being single to win her fully back. But I am more inclined to go with the first scenario. Trust me, I am excellent at figuring these situations out rather quickly...and haven't been wrong yet.
Mahatma Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Even if he was a total slob, if he wanted to take you to his house, he could easily clean it in 3 years. This sounds alot to me like he's got a wife, and you are on the side. A good question someone asked was about the phone numbers. Most importantly, do you have a home phone number? This would basically completely eliminate the wife idea. I would be concerned after a month if my mate wouldn't let me in their house. If it just never came up in that month, that is one thing. ...But if he simply wont let you, and its been three years, that part of himself he hasn't given you yet is probably currently being given to another woman.
LakesideDream Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I dated a woman for a few months after my divorce. She lived about 6 blocks away from me. My adult son also lived with me at the time, cleaning up from substance abuse. I never invited her to visit, or stay at my house. I told her why. I wasn't comfortable having her around my adult son. In hindsight that was very rude of me. Clearly a mistake. I believe that my real reason (at the time) was that I wasn't "proud" of the reality that my marriage was over. My home was my "hiding place" safe from outside problems. I couldn't give that up. Again it was not a thoughtful position to take, and I realize I was being rude.
Trialbyfire Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I dated a woman for a few months after my divorce. She lived about 6 blocks away from me. My adult son also lived with me at the time, cleaning up from substance abuse. I never invited her to visit, or stay at my house. I told her why. I wasn't comfortable having her around my adult son. In hindsight that was very rude of me. Clearly a mistake. I believe that my real reason (at the time) was that I wasn't "proud" of the reality that my marriage was over. My home was my "hiding place" safe from outside problems. I couldn't give that up. Again it was not a thoughtful position to take, and I realize I was being rude. I doubt you would have done this for 3 years!
Jilly Bean Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Even if he was a total slob, if he wanted to take you to his house, he could easily clean it in 3 years. I don't know why, but that struck me as HYSTERICAL. My vote? He's married. If not, then he has a live-in. No matter what the real reason, how could you date someone for three years and never see his home and be content to hook up in motel rooms?
Art_Critic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Can anyone think of a good positive reason for him to not invite her to his house in 3 years +.. he told her he would invite her this year though To me no matter how you slice this one it isn't good...
Jilly Bean Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Can anyone think of a good positive reason for him to not invite her to his house in 3 years +.. he told her he would invite her this year though To me no matter how you slice this one it isn't good... Bodies in the basement and the embalming fluid isn't working, hence permeating the hideous stench of decaying flesh? I think that's viable.
lemony fresh Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I hope this guy is the one paying for the hotel rooms. That would get expensive after a while.
Art_Critic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 To me even if he had a good reason it still isn't healthy for the relationship to keep your SO out of a huge part of your life for so long.. maybe 6 months at the most for most excuses that I could come up with... 3 years is a huge chunk of a life So.. to sum it up the OP needs to show up at his house and introduce herself to the reason.. even if it is his mother and it is her house he still needs to include the girlfriend in his life.. He is living at least 2 ( possibly more ) lives with it this way...
BlueEyed Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 As someone pointed out, red flag! The first thing you need to do is repeat the line. "we have been going out for three years, and I've never been in his home" Now repeat that about 3 times or so, and you may find your answer. I think you should be very cautious here, seriously why are you guys meeting in hotels, after three years? If there is an issue with family living there, or a messy house, remodeling etc... then he needs to tell you this. At that point I would feel as if he's hiding something, or ashamed of something. Just don't do it to yourself, you may want this relationship to work out, but you have to pay special attention to the yellow and red flags as they come up. just my 2 cents... BE~
porter218 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Bodies in the basement and the embalming fluid isn't working, hence permeating the hideous stench of decaying flesh? I think that's viable. Oh, OK then. Sounds good enough, you should work it out with him if this is the case.lol But seriously, this is no relationship at all. If you want to find out if there is a live in woman, you should hire some college kid to go by around dinner time and try to sell a subscription to girly magazines to the misses and see what happens. Truly though I don't beleive the other woman lives with him either.
Shygirl15 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Oh, OK then. Sounds good enough, you should work it out with him if this is the case.lol But seriously, this is no relationship at all. If you want to find out if there is a live in woman, you should hire some college kid to go by around dinner time and try to sell a subscription to girly magazines to the misses and see what happens. Truly though I don't beleive the other woman lives with him either. I also don't believe he lives with anyone; I like what you suggested before Porter, the guy is probably multi-dating, and the other woman already has access to his place.
portcitykitty Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Hey silvergirl...I'm going through a similar situation myself. I've known the guy I'm seeing for over a year, but we started hanging out in January, and he hasn't invited me to his place yet. We're taking things REALLY slow and cautious (thanks to both our past relationships), and we haven't established commitment yet, so, maybe once things get more serious, I'll get to go out there. He lives about 20 minutes outside of town in the sticks, so, with the way gas prices are, maybe it's a good thing I'm not going out there!
Author silvergirl Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Yes, I have his home number, and I have called him at all times of the night. It's the home number on his checks, in the phone book, everything. We go on vacations together we work together, I'm telling you, believe it or not, I know everything about this guy, there is just this one hangup. He has even offered to let me talk to his sister and mother, to help me understand his "Problem" and to understand why he is the way he is.
Lizzie60 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Is he from another culture? That could be the reason.. maybe he lives with family members (like his mother or father)... Some of these cultures are very 'closed' to other cultures. A friend of mine is in the same position... 2 1/2 yrs... and he took her to his place twice for 5 minutes each time. He's muslim and lives with his mother... he won't introduce her to his friends or family... I told her many times to drop him.. but she loooooooves him... she's kinda 'doormatsy'.. so I have no patience with that.. we don't talk too much about it... she knows what I think about the whole thing.. This is NOT a relationship... it's F buddies..that's what it is...
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