bigmanpayne Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 i didnt know where to post this, but here it goes... my ex wants to pick up the kids to see them and i want to be there or have someone else be there if she sees them. here is the back story to catch people up... my ex left my kids and on the first week of january and she has been gone ever since. we all went to bed on friday night, the kids and i woke up and she was gone and so was most of her clothes and things. she moved in with another man and has been living with him all year. during the fist month and a half i would drop the kids off at her moms even though she never called and asked for them. she would come from his house and stay at her moms until my kids left, this happened every other weekend for 6 weeks (3 visits). but then i stopped taking my kids over there because my ex never calls and never actually wanted to see them. the therapists i take my kids too thought i was forcing her to be a mother which was wrong so i stopped. i figured if she wanted them she would come and get them or call or something - she never did. she never saw them or called them from valentines day to mothers day. they talked to her twice during that period because i called her and put them on the phone. the day after mothers day i guess she felt guilty, so she went to their school and saw them (I guess she felt guilty - i dont know). anyway, that is the last time she saw them. they write her, she doesnt write back. they call, her or her boyfriend wont answer the phone even after one of my kids leave a message. my duaghter calls my ex's moms house and they pick up the phone and hang it up. my wife tells people that i wont let her see the kids. thats not true. i wont let her pick them up and take them anywhere without a court order. am i being ridiculous? she lies to her boyfriend and his family and tells them thats why she never has her kids because i have full custody and wont let her see them. truth is she gave me full custody when we were seperated 5 years ago after she took the kids and ran away and i didnt know where they were for a week. in the visitation agreement she has the right to see them every other weekend but she tells people that i have total and full custody. she took them because i told my mother that she had an afair... but that's neither here nor there. anyway, should i allow her to just pick them up and take them to her mother's or her boyfriend's? or am i right with wanting to be there or wanting supervised visits? i dont even think she wants the kids, she just needs a reason to justify the current situation. i think she will come get them if i say yes though. the therapists, my friends, my family all think i am right not to let her pick them up, but am i? i dont want to give the impression that i am using the kids because i am mad at her... i honestly think that i am doing whats best for them. could someone else give me their thoughts?
sally4sara Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I have full physical and legal custody also, but before this was decided through the courts, my son's father did the same thing by running off with him with no notice to the opposite coast. He had him out of school for two weeks and they were living with some terminally ill elderly woman my ex had "met" on line and duped into believing he loved her. Because this happened before the custody situation was in place, he legally did nothing wrong. He has visitations now; half the holidays and majority of the summer. My son is there now. I am not happy about it knowing he could do it again, but at least now it would be a felony if he did. Was there any visitation awarded to her at all? Had custody been decided before or after she took off with them? You say she signed over custody fully to you; was it with the understanding that she wanted no further responsibilities as a mother? I don't like that my son's dad has his visits with my son because he has proven time and time again that he is lacking in any qualities that I feel would be a beneficial influence on my son. He has proven he is capable of making risky and potentially dangerous choices that negatively effect my son. Despite this, he is my son's dad and he does use most of his visitations rights. If he showed he was not interested in an agreed and steady role in my son's life, I would push for less visitation rights in a heartbeat. It is my job as my son's primary guardian to see that his life is stable and nurturing. Any threat to that should be eliminated. I watched what half-assed parental interest did to my little brother growing up and found I considered myself luck that my own father who ditched out on me at least stayed gone. The occasional and rare moments of contact by my brother's father only served to re-remind my brother how little he mattered to his father. His once or twice yearly phone call or letter always left my brother in tears. When he would come into town for a weekend every year or so, my brother always got his hopes up that his father had a change of heart and things would be different. It was never different until my brother received money for school with a small expense stipend. The money was what interested his father and when it ran out, he took off again leaving my brother with an apartment he couldn't afford on his own and no money for school. If your ex can't have the resolve to see to the kid's stability one way or the other, her visitation rights should be striped IMO.
Author bigmanpayne Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Was there any visitation awarded to her at all? Had custody been decided before or after she took off with them? You say she signed over custody fully to you; was it with the understanding that she wanted no further responsibilities as a mother? If your ex can't have the resolve to see to the kid's stability one way or the other, her visitation rights should be striped IMO. she took them before we ever went to court. we were legally seperated and she agreed to give me full parental custody. at that time she did not sign over her rights, she had visitation every other weekend. we ended up getting back together a few months later. my lawyer says now that we have split again that i still have custody and that agreement from the seperation is good as far as my custody, but i dont want to chance it. its not that i am so afraid of her running off with them, i dont like the treatment of the kids. she doesnt want them, she only wants them to make herself look good for her boyfriend and his family. she told me and the kids the week she left to just forget about her and go on with our lives... yes, she said that to my kids face. she was a good mother everytime she was there, thats what makes this so hard and puzzling. i only want to protect my kids. i hate when they cry about their mother. my 10 year old daughter said she even wants to kill herself - how can i just let her go off with her mother with no legal backup?
sally4sara Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I'd seek to minimize her visitations. She has shown her true face to her kids; they will remember it as adults. Its just difficult for them to completely understand it right now and thats why it will continue to hurt as she drifts in and out. Now limiting her visitations will lead to her being able to howl about how her lack of involvement with them is your fault because you won't be able to call her bluff about it. And why should you? You already know its a bluff and calling it only puts you kids in the position to feel abandoned over and over. When they get older though they might ask to spend time with her outside of any previous agreement. You're going to have to allow that if you don't want to give merit to her accusations and risk loosing them to her in their teens. Kids will always want to give their parents a chance even when the parent doesn't deserve it because they are hoping for validation. Give them lots of love. Always let them know they have you no matter what.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Have you asked your children if they want to see their mother? It does not have to be all or nothing. For the ones that do, and if you agree to allow that (my suggestion is yes if they want to) you might consider some kind of neutral environment like a local park or recreation area. Set the rules. The kids are not allowed to get in her car, she has to be alone (no boyfriend), and you will be monitoring from a distance. If any of the children have a change of heart, you will be close by and they know they are free to go to you. Best part, they get to ask mom about her actions instead of you…
Author bigmanpayne Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 she refuses to see them if i am present. thats the problem. she says she is not going to look at my face while she sees her kids. the all or nothing comes from her - she says she wants to pick them up or nothing. i suggested the park thing but she said no. i offered to be there, my mom, my stepfather, one of my sisters (all of whom have been great with/to her and have no problems with her - mean they hate her now, but there is no history or bad blood). i think she just doesnt want to see the kids but wants to blame it on me instead of taking responsibility. the kids have written her and asked her why she has done what she has done but she wont write them back. they called her yesterday (she called back after they called 8 times to her cellphone) and i wasnt there but they told me they were to scared to say the stuff they wrote to her over the phone. they are 10 and 7. they both said they wanted to be nice in the hopes that she would want to see them. i felt horrible for them. i hate the fact that she is blaming the situation on me instead of just taking reasponsibility. i just dont understand. by what i am writing you would never guess that she was actually a great mother to our kids, thats what makes this so hard for them and me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Whats up BMP. If she doesnt like it then she should just deal with it. Do you have court orders for surpervised visitations? What the deal. Stop worrying about her rewriting things she's a looser and everyone knows it. You got the kids and in the end your kids are paramount. Get that child support enforced. Garnish her wages.
Author bigmanpayne Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Whats up BMP. If she doesnt like it then she should just deal with it. Do you have court orders for surpervised visitations? What the deal. Stop worrying about her rewriting things she's a looser and everyone knows it. You got the kids and in the end your kids are paramount. Get that child support enforced. Garnish her wages. straight to the point as always chrome. i know i am a little out of it, but this situation has done that to me. the order we has states she can have them for 8 hours every other weekend but cant take them to her mothers and her BF doesnt want them over there so there's no place to go. she hasnt enacted the order the entire year and my lawyers said with that and her prior background for taking them the court will make her have supervised visits if she wants visitation again. i know i am on good legal ground, i am (as always) worried about what others think. it bugs the hell out of me that her BF and his family actually believes that i deny her visitation. i am just gaging everyone else's opinions on this situation. i often think that i am going crazy (i know anyone who have read any of my other posts have heard me say that before). i dont think that i am wrong, but i want to make sure that i am doing what i think i am doing and not just using the kids because of my anger, thats all.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 BMP, first let me say how much respect everyone has for what you have done and are doing for your children. IMO, there are too many fathers (and mothers) that do not have near the commitment, caring and courage you hold by becoming the primary (sole) parent under these circumstances. We watched my mother raise three children by herself, with no child support, because of a walk away dad. Yes you feel the pain of your children asking questions that cannot be answered, but do not blame yourself for decisions you did not make. I think you have more strength than you realize. And strength is my next topic of discussion… So, with your very solid legal ground, why are you still allowing the ex to control you and the children? she refuses to see them if i am present. thats the problem. she says she is not going to look at my face while she sees her kids. the all or nothing comes from her - she says she wants to pick them up or nothing. i suggested the park thing but she said no. i offered to be there, my mom, my stepfather, one of my sisters (all of whom have been great with/to her and have no problems with her - mean they hate her now, but there is no history or bad blood). i think she just doesnt want to see the kids but wants to blame it on me instead of taking responsibility. Guess what? She gave up her right to determine what, when, where, why and how she sees the kids the day she walked out on them. You are right, she is probably just using the visitation (on her terms only) to help justify her actions. So what does that do for you or them? Tell the ex there are rules or no deal. You know your children, so explain best that you can, “mom is confused right now.” It’s time to tell the walk away wife that she either get with the program or you and the kids will be fine without her (which right now is really the case). They probably have a better understanding of what is happening than you know. And so very important, stop thinking and tormenting yourself about what everyone else thinks. If you do right by your children, trust me, everyone else will see it. Why give her power and concern yourself about what she says? So to summarize, use and harness your anger to fight for your children, your independence from the ex, and everyone else that you believe may be stopping YOUR family from healing and happiness.
sfsassy Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 she took them before we ever went to court. we were legally seperated and she agreed to give me full parental custody. at that time she did not sign over her rights, she had visitation every other weekend. we ended up getting back together a few months later. my lawyer says now that we have split again that i still have custody and that agreement from the seperation is good as far as my custody, but i dont want to chance it. its not that i am so afraid of her running off with them, i dont like the treatment of the kids. she doesnt want them, she only wants them to make herself look good for her boyfriend and his family. she told me and the kids the week she left to just forget about her and go on with our lives... yes, she said that to my kids face. she was a good mother everytime she was there, thats what makes this so hard and puzzling. i only want to protect my kids. i hate when they cry about their mother. my 10 year old daughter said she even wants to kill herself - how can i just let her go off with her mother with no legal backup? I have a few choice words for your ex, but won't use them. Is your daughter in counseling?
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 9, 2008 Author Posted August 9, 2008 I have a few choice words for your ex, but won't use them. Is your daughter in counseling? we all were, though we got a little busy and haven't been in a few weeks. they are doing better. we are all doing a lot better.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hey BMP, hope my last post did not seem harsh?? I'm very happy to see a much different tone in your posts than before. I read some of your other posts and felt bad that nobody really responded to one of your last responses (when you knocked the ex's bf down) after you questioned your judgment. From what I have read, just keep doing what you are doing. After the s**t these people have put you and your kids through, you are 10 times the man 95% of the population could hope to be, including myself. Just don't count counseling out because things are going fine at the time... Best wishes!!
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Hey BMP, hope my last post did not seem harsh?? I'm very happy to see a much different tone in your posts than before. I read some of your other posts and felt bad that nobody really responded to one of your last responses (when you knocked the ex's bf down) after you questioned your judgment. From what I have read, just keep doing what you are doing. After the s**t these people have put you and your kids through, you are 10 times the man 95% of the population could hope to be, including myself. Just don't count counseling out because things are going fine at the time... Best wishes!! thanks. no harm no foul. i appreciate the honesty. i dont care what anyone says just as long as they are honest. thank you for the kind words. i dont know why nobody responded to my post about that, it kinda scared me, i thought everyone thought i was crazy or something. thanks again, and BEST WISHES to you too.
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