When People LIMIT themselves (Interesting Read)

[HiItsMe]

Is anyone here familiar with "Meetup.com"? If not...it's a social networking group (BEST) idea in the world I think...where you can meet with people with common interests to socialize (in REAL LIFE).

 

Be it biking, hiking, camping, clubbing, regular socializing...cooking, knitting, Movie

 

They have a "Meetup" for EVERYTHING, every kind of "Common interest" out there.

 

Remember in the old days, where people would, as a suggesetion for meeting OTHER Singles to take a cooking class or some class in college, or at church or whatever. Well, I find that Meetup was the best thing since sliced bread that FULFILLED that situation. (Not attempting to plug this site on THIS site.....but it makes my post's point)

 

For a while I had been doing the online dating thing, wasting money on it....not even MEETING people Face to Face. No lu ck getting responses, etc etc.

 

That was before the MEETUP site. I live in a rural area as it is...and well....trying to meet someone locally , at a store or bar here....everyone is taken or married beyond the age of 25....they marry their HS Sweethearts, an dthat's the end of that.

 

Then I found out about MEETUP.....I was like "Aw man...I'm actually GETTING OUT in the real world now! Meeting people face to face, making friends, if a woman doesn't think of you in that wa y.....she can be your friend, and be your wing woman (and vice versa) it's also networking. Or they can introduce you to OTHER Singles if that's the case.

 

NOW...to my POINT (was doing some foreshadowing)

 

Lately...I have come across some SINGLE ladies profile on said dating site....they looked familiar to me....and guess what....they are from my MEETUP groups.

 

This ONE woman, in particular....is big into Off-Road Mountain Biking. She looked famliar, and t urns out she was one of the members of the biking group she's in.

 

And I emailed her....and said, "Hey, you look famliar, are you in that Mtn Bike Meetup group for our area?"

 

I noticed alot of members IN that group, and kinda jojked around and said, "Man, why go on a dating site, when there's PLENTY of single men in your group, right? LOL"

 

Her response:

 

"I take my biking and that group very seriously and do not date the members. So while there are many single people in Meetup groups I don't think in terms of dating.

"

Um....why take it seriously? It's just mtn biking, LOL I think people take themSELVES too seriously actually, at least these days.

I responded...."Interesting....but why limit yourself??"

 

And I told her Meetup was a WHOLE better alternative this online crap (reason I'm on a certain dating site only because it's FREE...and even still hadn't had much luck on it...but hey....it's free)

 

SHe's not the only one that has this "No dating people in my biking, hiking, outdoors, bowling league, etc group"

 

Apparently, these women have developed this lame policy of not dating people in their group.

 

Kind of EQUATING it to dating co-workers just about (but we're not co-workers, just a group of friends having fun).

 

Of course, these people see each other on a weekly basis just about for a good several mile biking trip.

 

So why do (at least from MY perspective) women limit themselves like this?

 

I am starting to notice why women wind up remaining single for long periods of time...esp. after seeing this.

 

I notice them having this wierd policy of not dating people WITHIN the group....I think it's a bunch of crap, but why do this to yourselves?

 

You're just hurting yourself as a single person when doing this.

[bones1]

I think less and less people actually want a real relationship. Perhaps many are becoming more independent unless the "perfect" one comes along.

 

While they say that they do want one, sometimes their unreasonable, fantasy like pickiness prevents it.

 

I have no idea how you can take mountain biking or other hobbies so seriously unless you are training for the Olympics. I can't imagine a hot single girl on my recreational tennis team, then saying "I take this team too seriously to date her" Perhaps it is some sort of excuse.

[HiItsMe]

I think less and less people actually want a real relationship. Perhaps many are becoming more independent unless the "perfect" one comes along.

 

While they say that they do want one, sometimes their unreasonable, fantasy like pickiness prevents it.

 

I have no idea how you can take mountain biking or other hobbies so seriously unless you are training for the Olympics. I can't imagine a hot single girl on my recreational tennis team, then saying "I take this team too seriously to date her" Perhaps it is some sort of excuse.

 

 

Yeah, and she's not the only one that does this....there are a few others that "Don't date anyone in the MEETUP group" policy as well.

 

I got a response from her...apparently

 

Get this

 

1. She told me "I'm NOT arguing the point", she's adimant (sp?) about arguing about this issue, which means....it's a lame excuse on her part, and she KNOWS it is. LOL!

 

2. Everyone is like "Family" to her. <shrug> and if it didn't work out, it would ruin the "fun" of the group.

 

Puuuuleeeaaaase!!

 

Now I can't give a witty reply back, because she's "not arguing the point"

 

My retort would have been.

 

"So, you're wanting to date total strangers/freaks that email you on dating sites, as opposed to people you actually KNOW well, and bonded with and are like "family" to you.?!?!

[torranceshipman]

Just as well you didnt send that retort cause it sounded kinda bitter and unpleasant!

 

Besides I think people stop limiting themselves the second they find the exception to the rule, i.e. if there is a huge mutual attraction between them and a member of the group...believe me, the girl wouldnt ignore that

 

She might also have been polite, in that she sensed an interest in dating from you, wasnt interested in you, and wanted to communicate that in a polite way rather than shoot you down.

[HiItsMe]

Just as well you didnt send that retort cause it sounded kinda bitter and unpleasant!

 

Besides I think people stop limiting themselves the second they find the exception to the rule, i.e. if there is a huge mutual attraction between them and a member of the group...believe me, the girl wouldnt ignore that

 

She might also have been polite, in that she sensed an interest in dating from you, wasnt interested in you, and wanted to communicate that in a polite way rather than shoot you down.

 

 

Sheesh, you kidding? This woman was in her mid 50's...(I'm in my mid 30's) way too old for me...I just happened to recognize her outside of dating site, through another friend....if not, I would not have emailed her.

[Walk]

Limiting yourself in the way this lady described is a good thing. In adult terminology it means: understanding repercussions of decisions.

 

Seriously though... if (assume she was closer to your age) she dated you, and you two didn't work out then she's not going to enjoy the mnt biking group as much as she would have without that underlying tension in it. If you two dated for several months and it ends up badly, who gets to keep the mountaing biking group? Would you be willing to drop out of the group because it makes her uncomfortable for you to be there? Or would you feel she should leave the group because she's the one bothered by your presence there?

 

Most women would feel uncomfortable sharing a sport/hobby with someone they've had a bad break with. They don't partake in the sport in order to meet a potential partner, they take part because it makes them feel better about themselves. Having an ex there who consistently reminds you (by mere fact of his existence) that you failed to meet his standards isn't going to make you feel good about yourself. Or, if she dumps you and you act like a rotten 'tard about it, it's going to kill her enjoyment of the sport and the group. Then what is she left with? Still single, and now she lost the group that really made her feel good about herself.

 

There's a difference between limiting yourself, and knowing better then to shyt where you eat.

[bones1]

Well then where can you meet someone? If a recreational group is too important and serious, what is left? Only on the internet? Which in my opinion is the worst way of all?

 

But thats a topic for another thread.

 

How did people meet before the internet? Through friends, groups, work, bars etc.

 

I guess if you are trying to meet someone, and always assuming it will not work, and trying to cover all the bases, you will never meet anyone.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

This is the thing... Why do we get mad at people when they are not willing to break their rules and date us? To me it sounds like a bunch of sour grapes. If she is not interested in dating you because you all share the same group or she is willing to follow policies, why be upset. Either find a woman from within the group who is willing to ignore policy and date within the group or find a good woman elsewhere.

 

I have a question for you. Are you willing too...

 

1) Date someone who is of another nationality, ethnicity, religious persuasion?

2) Are you willing to forego your own preferences just because a woman tells you she loves you? (i.e. she is too fat, or she is way older, or she has five kids, no job)

 

Don't be mad at her. Consider her as bad seed. Or like that bitter nut you once in awhile that makes you want to scrape the taste buds off your tongue.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Limitation has a point. It is used to keep otherwise unhealthy/toxic people way from you. It keeps you from needless hurting others. Limitations are a good thing if used properly like any tool.

 

 

DNR

[KinAZ]

I have friends who supposedly feel this way. But when they were REALLY interested, they broke that rule. It can be too close for comfort, and depending on what happens between the two and the personalities of the two involved, it can make things very awkward, especially if things don't work out.

 

Now, you have a set of associates who know both of you, who may hear both sides of your personal story, and depending on what it is... you might be looking for a new hiking group soon.

 

And so when we make such a decision, we're more than likely REALLY taken in by a guy, not just slightly attracted to a guy with decent sense of humor. It may not be immediate attraction, but rather that with time, getting to know a person much better, you know whether the "risk" is worth it. Or, you just become so interested to the point where, the risk of not going for it is greater than the risk of looking for a new group should things fail.

[HiItsMe]

Limiting yourself in the way this lady described is a good thing. In adult terminology it means: understanding repercussions of decisions.

 

Seriously though... if (assume she was closer to your age) she dated you, and you two didn't work out then she's not going to enjoy the mnt biking group as much as she would have without that underlying tension in it. If you two dated for several months and it ends up badly, who gets to keep the mountaing biking group? Would you be willing to drop out of the group because it makes her uncomfortable for you to be there? Or would you feel she should leave the group because she's the one bothered by your presence there?

 

Most women would feel uncomfortable sharing a sport/hobby with someone they've had a bad break with. They don't partake in the sport in order to meet a potential partner, they take part because it makes them feel better about themselves. Having an ex there who consistently reminds you (by mere fact of his existence) that you failed to meet his standards isn't going to make you feel good about yourself. Or, if she dumps you and you act like a rotten 'tard about it, it's going to kill her enjoyment of the sport and the group. Then what is she left with? Still single, and now she lost the group that really made her feel good about herself.

 

There's a difference between limiting yourself, and knowing better then to shyt where you eat.

 

Walk....personally I think those two people should be adult enough to deal with still hanging out in the same group after breaking up.

 

I know a DIVORCED couple that are good friends after the divorce that still do the same thing within the group.

 

And people sit around wondering "Why Can't I find anyone??"

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Well then where can you meet someone? If a recreational group is too important and serious, what is left? Only on the internet? Which in my opinion is the worst way of all?

 

But thats a topic for another thread.

 

How did people meet before the internet? Through friends, groups, work, bars etc.

 

I guess if you are trying to meet someone, and always assuming it will not work, and trying to cover all the bases, you will never meet anyone.

 

Unfortunately and fortunately for those of us who have this new tool, it helps a lot. Believe it or not I have more women who talk to me on here than talk to me in real life. And most of the women on my IMs initiated contact with me. So if there is anything wrong, maybe it is the same old problem that many of us singles who can't find a date face... Being judged without being known. Or meeting people where we don't meet their checklist. And like I said in another thread... My best brother meet his wife 5+ years ago through correspondence she initiated by sending letters to Marines overseas. They have just had their first anniversary this past June and they are going so strong. So, don't doubt or discourage those from using the tools that work for them. If anything remind them of the other tools that they may not have tried in a long time.

 

 

DNR

[bones1]

This is what I think.

 

I think she joined the group with the idea of meeting someone. At least on some level. Perhaps she feels a bit insecure about having no luck, so she preemptively says that she will not date people within the group.

 

Unless she has no hormones, no feelings, and really wants to be alone. Usually people join groups just for that reason, to meet someone.

 

I never got along well with people who are so serious, and have so many boundaries. How can a 2 hour a week group be more important that having an actual life partner?

[KinAZ]

Not everyone is so lucky! I had a relationship drag out at work because the guy was all "Why won't she talk to me? What did I do?" He even asked my supervisor. =-/ Even the people I didn't hang around knew about it. "OOOOO she's not talking to him! What happened? What happened?" And the people who didn't dare ask were still watching, like a soap opera was about to unfold right in front of them. The people who did know us just wouldn't leave it alone. I dealt with it in the best way that I knew how. But if you're going to gamble on the possibility that the other person will be mature.... you're still gambling.

 

This is all aside from the fear of having intimate details disclosed to coworkers, or anything that might lead to you being viewed in a light that is less professional or something. For someone, especially depending on their field, there is that worry about being viewed differently (something less important or less respectable) because they're women.

[bones1]

This is my point.

 

Internet dating is something that about 70% of singles have tried. Having said that, about 3% of all marriages are from the internet.

 

So, if you cut yourself off from "higher percentage" ways of meeting a mate, your chances are much more slim.

 

A small percentage of millionaires are also lottery winners. Does that mean I should not work and just buy lottery tickets, because it worked for them? Obviously a higher percentage chance of becoming wealthy would come through work.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

This is what I think.

 

I think she joined the group with the idea of meeting someone. At least on some level. Perhaps she feels a bit insecure about having no luck, so she preemptively says that she will not date people within the group.

 

Unless she has no hormones, no feelings, and really wants to be alone. Usually people join groups just for that reason, to meet someone.

 

I never got along well with people who are so serious, and have so many boundaries. How can a 2 hour a week group be more important that having an actual life partner?

 

Now this I can agree with you with. Kind of like the sour grapes thing. It did not work well for her or the someone she REALLY wanted didn't want her now she is cutting herself off from the possibilities. I didn't think about that. I mean that is why I join certain groups (I'd love to meet a woman who loves pen & paper role playing games like Dungeons & Dragons or Rifts and other "geeky/nerdy" things), but that is not something that most women can identify with let alone not look at me with a crooked face and go "Are you serious?"

 

Some people are like that. That is what makes love and life so fascinating. Like I said about my best brother and his wife. She is a total sweetheart, kind, meek, quiet, a little bit of a doof, but a sweet doof. He is a living butthole. To be honest I sometimes wonder how we became such good friends. He lacks a lot in tact and professionalism when it comes to talking to people. But at the same time, he is the kind of guy who would gladly give you the shirt off his back without a second thought. So, maybe you need someone who is serious and has a lot of boundaries to mellow you out and teach you some limits while you teach them to be more open and carefree. You may never know who you would find.

 

 

DNR

[KinAZ]

Sorry, I was replying to HiItsMe, I should have quoted. :-x

[Stockalone]

This is what I think.

 

I think she joined the group with the idea of meeting someone. At least on some level. Perhaps she feels a bit insecure about having no luck, so she preemptively says that she will not date people within the group.

 

Unless she has no hormones, no feelings, and really wants to be alone. Usually people join groups just for that reason, to meet someone.

 

I never got along well with people who are so serious, and have so many boundaries. How can a 2 hour a week group be more important that having an actual life partner?

 

Given that I am one of the serious people, I do not agree with you at all. Not once in my life have I joined a group, taken up a hobby, language course, cooking lessons, etc. in the hopes of meeting someone. Meeting someone is an absolute non-factor when I think about my hobbies.

 

I can see though how that appears as limiting myself. For example, I never tried online dating and I never will, it just doesn't feel right. Sure, having boundaries doesn't increase my chances of finding someone but I don't regret that or complain about my life. I guess it also depends on how you look at finding a life partner and how important that is.

[bones1]

Stockalone, I said USUALLY people join groups and think of the possibility of meeting someone. Not ALWAYS.

 

And are you so serious, that if you joined a cooking class, and a beautiful woman was interested in you, you would say "Sorry, I take my cooking very seriously, and do not want to date you as if we break up I cannot then fully concentrate on my cooking"

[Stockalone]

Stockalone, I said USUALLY people join groups and think of the possibility of meeting someone. Not ALWAYS.

 

And are you so serious, that if you joined a cooking class, and a beautiful woman was interested in you, you would say "Sorry, I take my cooking very seriously, and do not want to date you as if we break up I cannot then fully concentrate on my cooking"

 

I think that a cooking class is different than the bike group the OP was referring to. A cooking class, language lessions, etc. have a time-line, like 10,20+ weeks and then it's over.

 

The bike group seems more like an "infinite" hobby. I play soccer and basketball with a group of guys and I consider that similar to the OP's bike group. In my case the dating "problem" doesn't come up since there are no woman in that group. But if it were a co-ed group, I wouldn't date a woman in that group.

 

Regarding the cooking class or other classes I took, I would be concerned with the job at hand. I took that class to learn something, not to flirt. That means, when I am focused on something, I don't pay much attention to other things. In that case, I don't flirt with those woman and I certainly make no advances. I am not rude to them, but probably a bit gruff when they are going for more than small talk. I don't look at it like a dating situation and thus don't make an effort or show interest.

 

That usually kills any interest that these women might have had to get to know me.

[Star Gazer]

Meetup.com is NOT a dating site. I'm a member of a Chihuahua group, a skiing group, and a tennis group. If someone from a Meetup group was obviously trying to hit on me and really only there for that purpose, I'd... well, be irritated. That's not what the site is meant for. AT ALL. There needs to be certain places and functions where women don't have to feel like prey.

[HiItsMe]

Meetup.com is NOT a dating site. I'm a member of a Chihuahua group, a skiing group, and a tennis group. If someone from a Meetup group was obviously trying to hit on me and really only there for that purpose, I'd... well, be irritated. That's not what the site is meant for. AT ALL. There needs to be certain places and functions where women don't have to feel like prey.

 

LOL...."Like Prey"

 

Playing the VICTIM card I see. ..that's rich.

Meeting someone is an absolute non-factor when I think about my hobbies.

Well, you HAVE to consider the guy "Hitting' on you as a BY PRODUCT of being the group.

 

I mean, if

 

1. The guy is single

2. The guy is available

3. You are single AND available?

 

And he asks you out to lunch or grab a bite, why not? I mean, why do what single men do naturally?

 

Friend of mine said she was taking a break from the MEETUP groups because...well, she thought it was a meat market REGARDLESS of what the "Title" of the group was named....i twas a regional "Social" group...which did a menagarie of activities.

 

She stated, "I don't care what it's "Called", people are still dating people in that group.

 

I am there in the group to make friends and stuff...but why not be OPEN to prospective mates, esp if you are BOTH single AND available.

 

I hate it when women get "Irritated" at this kind of thing.

 

OR...you're just irritated, because you actually had no interest/attraction to whoever is hitting on you.

 

If you were attracted...it'd be an entirely different story.

 

Another thing to check out a book called

 

The Unhooked Generation

 

Basically, it demonstrates how "Distancing Technologies" made thing...well...so "distancing" due to computers, text messaging, etc.

 

To me, Bike group, cooking class...tomaaato..tomaahhhto

 

I was just making an example....doesn't make a diff. to me.

 

 

When I NEW to a certain group...I had this...Ill call him Mr. C Blocker....say to me..."By the way, the women aren't here to date...they are here for friendship"

 

Yes..UN-solicated advice...I gave him a wierd look and though "whatever" LOL And the guy goes around in the group flirting away. lol Hypocrite.

 

It's amazing how some women, single, complain how they don't want to feel like "prey" to other single men in an environment.

 

I suggest you suck it up, because it's not realistic to think that way.

 

I am not rude to them, but probably a bit gruff when they are going for more than small talk.

 

You're not secretly gay are you? LOL (Just kidding) ;-)

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Meetup.com is NOT a dating site. I'm a member of a Chihuahua group, a skiing group, and a tennis group. If someone from a Meetup group was obviously trying to hit on me and really only there for that purpose, I'd... well, be irritated. That's not what the site is meant for. AT ALL. There needs to be certain places and functions where women don't have to feel like prey.

 

Take a group of boys and mix in a group of girls. Give it a great whirl and guess what? SOMEONE IS GOING TO HIT ON SOMEONE. Someone is going to have sex with someone (even if it never comes out). Someone is going to have a jealous side (because they want you and you don't want them.

 

Now if your feeling like prey, maybe you should not see yourself as meat. Maybe you should be happy that you can attract them where ever you go. Because I know a lot of women who get upset when guys see them as just one of the group and not for her womanhood. Trust me I should know. I have totally pissed off a few women in my time like that.

 

Men can't win with you women. We are wrong for viewing for your sexuality. We are wrong if we see you as one of the guys. You want use to change our behaviors now that you are part of the group, yet you want to behave like we behave. You want use to treat you like you have no gender and yet wonder when guys don't pay attention to you.

 

This is the simple fact of life... People chooses groups for a reason. Some because they want to be apart of the group because they have shared interest. Some because they are looking for a partner who not only has a shared interest in the group but is looking for a partner to wish to share more things than the group. THIS IS NOT A BAD THING! The only thing one has to do is stand up for themselves and stick to their guns. If your not there to find a date, tell anyone who hits on you so and stick to it. Don't start flirting and messing with them, this leads people on and gives them false hopes.

 

 

DNR

[bones1]

Feeling like prey, lol..

 

Many, many women join this groups to attract a mate. I hear it all the time. They are tired of bars, online isn't working, etc, so they join a group to find like minded single males.

 

Since women usually do not approach men, do men have to be mind readers?

 

Perhaps you would be better off if no man anywhere ever approached you, so you do not have to feel like "prey".

[Trialbyfire]

Finding a partner isn't the most important thing for everyone. There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep aspects of your life drama-free.