Syn182 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I broke up with my girlfriend tonight... It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life... We've been together for 3 years, and i've always loved her... We went on break because she developed feelings for another guy and, we were on that for a few weeks, then she begun to drop her feelings for him and get her feelings for me back... but in those few weeks, my feelings faded. I don't know why, but i just feel like in the break, i was so much more free! I didn't have to consult her when i wanted to do things, i could drink when i wanted for whatever reason and whatever ammount. I had no restrictions! I'm 18 years old (nearly 19) and i've been with her since i was 15, I never got a proper go at being a teenager. The relationship got to the point where i couldn't really do much in the way of "My Stuff"... I couldn't really hang out with my friends, because of her i didn't really have any! But i never stopped loving her! But now it seems that love isn't the sort of "Relationship" love, it's more of a "Great friends" love. I couldn't even tell her why i was breaking up with her... i couldn't understand it myself... all i could tell her was that "in the break, it was 'Different' and i liked that". Is that a good enough reason to end a 3yr relationship??? I was constantly getting frustrated with her, so many things that i couldn't do cos she didn't like it... and she was so controlling that i couldn't even get my say in, she made me feel guilty if i wanted something! And for some stupid reason, i still loved her!!! WHY?! But like i said, in the break time, my love died into a friendship love. Now that i've broken up with her, we decided we can just be friends, and if some feelings come back in me, then so be it, and we can go from there... but i don't know if it's the right thing to do. I know i don't want to be with her anymore... but i don't know what i'll feel later on! Does it sound unreasonable that i wouldn't want to get back with her? Please, help me see an outsiders P.O.V on this... i can't understand why i feel obliged to give it another go... Do i have residual feelings? Or is it just because i don't really know anything else besides her? and i'm scared to venture out? Help me understand myself!
stlnsmile Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I broke up with my girlfriend tonight... It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life... We've been together for 3 years, and i've always loved her... We went on break because she developed feelings for another guy and, we were on that for a few weeks, then she begun to drop her feelings for him and get her feelings for me back... but in those few weeks, my feelings faded. I don't know why, but i just feel like in the break, i was so much more free! I didn't have to consult her when i wanted to do things, i could drink when i wanted for whatever reason and whatever ammount. I had no restrictions! I'm 18 years old (nearly 19) and i've been with her since i was 15, I never got a proper go at being a teenager. The relationship got to the point where i couldn't really do much in the way of "My Stuff"... I couldn't really hang out with my friends, because of her i didn't really have any! But i never stopped loving her! But now it seems that love isn't the sort of "Relationship" love, it's more of a "Great friends" love. I couldn't even tell her why i was breaking up with her... i couldn't understand it myself... all i could tell her was that "in the break, it was 'Different' and i liked that". Is that a good enough reason to end a 3yr relationship??? I was constantly getting frustrated with her, so many things that i couldn't do cos she didn't like it... and she was so controlling that i couldn't even get my say in, she made me feel guilty if i wanted something! And for some stupid reason, i still loved her!!! WHY?! But like i said, in the break time, my love died into a friendship love. Now that i've broken up with her, we decided we can just be friends, and if some feelings come back in me, then so be it, and we can go from there... but i don't know if it's the right thing to do. I know i don't want to be with her anymore... but i don't know what i'll feel later on! Does it sound unreasonable that i wouldn't want to get back with her? Please, help me see an outsiders P.O.V on this... i can't understand why i feel obliged to give it another go... Do i have residual feelings? Or is it just because i don't really know anything else besides her? and i'm scared to venture out? Help me understand myself! Okay I am thinking a few things about this, first, she broke it off with you, so she could go expirience some other guy. That had to hurt you a whole lot. Yet you never say how you felt about that. Did it ruin the trust you had for her, did it make you feel un loved, did it make you feel discarded or less than? I think its possible that during the break, you were in a great deal of pain and self doubt, and feeling very hurt and angry. It would not suprise me that you would be afraid to go back into that situation with her now. You say you lost feelings for her during the break. It seems to me that she gave you many reasons to doubt the relationship during that time. I don't think its wrong to feel like maybe you don't want to be in that situation now, and given the fact that you are enjoying your freedom after 3 yrs. I don't think that is all that unusual. I think you feel guilty now because she wants you back now. I also feel it is normal to have feelings for her and to be confused. My suggestion is for you to take time, don't jump into anything with her and don't jump into anything with anyone else. You may decide you have feelings later on, and I think you owe it to yourself and her to wait it out and see what happens. Too often guys in your situation jump too quickly into something else and never give themselves time to figure out what they really really want. Loosing someone you love is not what you want to do. On the other side if you really do not love her, then that is all the more reason to take time to reallly look at things. You are young, and so it is harder to just sit and wait and be with yourself, and think things through, but I really think that is what you need to do right now. Don't put another girl in the situation to confuse it for you......are there other girls involved, are you interested in someone else? It seems like there might be, so that is why I am asking. You need to decide with out distraction if this is what you really want. Because once you go down this road, you will not be able to take it back. And you are already well down this road. If you put another person on top of all of this, you will certainly never ever have your ex in your life again. So make 100% sure before you do that.
vivrantflo Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 We went on break because she developed feelings for another guy and, we were on that for a few weeks, then she begun to drop her feelings for him and get her feelings for me back... but in those few weeks, my feelings faded. That's tough cookies for her. You guys were in a relationship for 3 years, and she decides that she wants to try out another guy. That's a tough reality for her to deal with, but she brought it on herself. I don't know why, but i just feel like in the break, i was so much more free! I didn't have to consult her when i wanted to do things, i could drink when i wanted for whatever reason and whatever ammount. I had no restrictions! Well, when you say you wanted to do "things", what did that entail?? Getting tanked often?? Drugs? Cause if those were the "things" you wanted to do in excessive amounts, no decent chick is going to want to stick around for that. But now it seems that love isn't the sort of "Relationship" love, it's more of a "Great friends" love. I couldn't even tell her why i was breaking up with her... i couldn't understand it myself... all i could tell her was that "in the break, it was 'Different' and i liked that". Well, don't feel all that bad. Women do that to men all the damn time. Is that a good enough reason to end a 3yr relationship??? A good reason is feeling angry and hurt that your woman wanted to date another guy after 3 years with you. Another good reason is that you don't have romantic feelings for her. A bad reason, is feeling you can drink and do other "things" in excessive amounts cause now you feel free. I was constantly getting frustrated with her, so many things that i couldn't do cos she didn't like it... and she was so controlling that i couldn't even get my say in, she made me feel guilty if i wanted something! And for some stupid reason, i still loved her!!! WHY?! Im really curious now.. what things are you talking about? What wouldn't she "allow" you to do?? But like i said, in the break time, my love died into a friendship love. Anyway, this is the bottom line.. just make sure that this is true. Make sure that this is about feelings, and not about being "free". Cause Im gonna tell you right now bud, she will find another guy.. and there's no gaurantee that she'll come back to you after that. Or, she may feel the same resentment you felt when she dumped you. Try to be honest with yourself. Be honest about your feelings towards her and go from there.
AnLandy Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 If you find yourself at a point in a relationship where you feel that you are being controlled and you are "sacrificing" for the relationship, instead of making reasonable compromises, then it's time to get out. If you are always bending to the other person's will, then it's time to get out. We all have our own needs and our own goals in life. If your partner won't meet your needs or won't respect your goals, then don't feel guilty for walking away. Prioratizing yourself is not a sin and it's not inappropriate. That said, if her comments about your drinking were on of the ways that you felt she was "controlling" you, then take a look at your own behavior. Feeling that others are attempting to control your drinking is a classic sign of a problem with alcohol.
Author Syn182 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 On the "freedom" end of things, i'm not an alcoholic... i couldn't have a social drink with mates because i was always her driver. I couldn't have friends around and have drinks and play games... I'm not an alcoholic, but i enjoy a social drink with mates... she stopped me from doing that. Another thing there is where my freedom really halted, I'm what some people may call a computer nerd/geek (whatever)... i know now u get the pimply image of some geeky lanky guy cowering in his office all day... but i'm just a normal guy that really likes computers and games. This is another thing she stopped me from doing... i have friends up at my house to play computer games and things, and she wants to be a part of that... so even though i'm with her 24/7, when i DO get a chance to have friends over, she wants me to ditch them for an hour every hour so i can spend it with her! By freedom i meant just doing things that you could do when single, with no restrictions, just do what you want, when you want... things like the above! I don't mean to sleep around or do drugs (i hate drugs) or binge drink every night... just the casual socializing and "Me" time, where i can just play my computer for whatever reasons i like whenever i want. After last night, this is what happened with me and her. I went and picked her up from work, and dropped her home. We talked for a while and decided to give it another go... We never got the chance to be friends before we started going out, we met and got together straight away. So now were going to start out as friends, casually go to the movies, but not be tied down to do things with just one person all the time. I told her how she was controlling me, and that if we were to get back together i would need her to back off and let me do my own thing. I also told her that she needed to trust me with other people more, she doesn't trust me with friends because she thinks they'll try and make me do drugs... she doesn't trust me with other girls (i get along better with girls most of the time) for obvious reasons... but i need to feel trusted. You guys reckon i've done the right thing?
katie1487 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 yes i do think you have done the right thing.. to be honest you should have told her to bolt when she said she had feelings for someone else! you have broke up with her coz you didnt want to be with her anymore. you still love her but your not in love with her. dont worry to much about it. you have done the right thing. the right thing for yourself.
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to remain "friends". It's pretty much inevitable that things will fall back into the same ole routine. It also doesn't give you the space to heal and really think about what it is you want until you guys have actually been a part for a while. I think you guys need some space from one another, it's the only way to figure out how you feel. I think your reasons for breaking up with her are valid. I'd have major concerns over the control issues and her wanting to explore her feelings for someone else. It sounds as if she might need some space as well.
lovesick1 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I agree with d-lish. You did the right thing. Space is a must. Take time away from each other and have your "me" time. Even if it was three years, it could have just been 1 2 or 3 years in fear of losing each other so you stayed together. thats not the right reason to be in a relationship. You did the right thing
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I've been there and let me tell you something. when a woman breaks your heart you might feel there's no reason to go back. I didnt go back. and I think you should move on syn. She left you for someone else, do you want a woman who has the trait to do that to you? it's up to you, but dont expect her to change she may do it again for someone she may catch "feelings" for.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I think you have made the right decision. I do think your feelings died because she wanted to go out and experiment with what another guy would be like. So that is showing she wasn't truly invested emotionally in you. She is feeling badly now because she is lonely, but deep down the feelings are not there for her, either, she is just feeling like she DOES love you because she can't imagine life without you. The relationship has run it's course and not all relationships last forever. Remember the good times, but please make a clean break from this and don't look back. Be firm and say "no" if she wants to get together and "talk" next week, or the week after, etc. It's too tempting and you might end up in the same lackluster relationship with her again, and you should be looking forward to newer and greener, more exciting pastures.
justaman99 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 The relationship got to the point where i couldn't really do much in the way of "My Stuff"... I couldn't really hang out with my friends, because of her i didn't really have any! But i never stopped loving her! You're young and don't have a lot of experience but the one thing I would say for your future is never, ever lose yourself in a relationship. Maintain the things you want to do, the friends you want to have and of course yourself. A little independence is very healthy for the relationship so keep it next time. That is the most important thing of all to learn from here.
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