Worth even trying to have a LDR?

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi again Grad! It sounds to me like he is interested and simply busy and working very hard. I would go to SF and see if you can go together if possible. You could also try a different messenger something you both agree on. A calling card would work as well but it can get expensive. I really hope you get to see him and have a good time.

 

On my end this job is looking good. I think that I have it but I'm waiting on the response. If all goes well I can have some money to go visit my new friend. I could use a vacation and a little attention. hehe

[Graduate]

 

If you visit, would you stay with him? Would you work? Do you have money? How long would you stay? And then the question is how long, And then what?

 

 

Hi Bones,

thanks for taking the time to answer my post.

 

Well, here are the answers to your questions: I don't know yet whether I would/should stay with him. He offered and kinda assumed I would, but I am not sure it would be a good idea. Even though we are adults in our 30's we have not gone beyond kissing and I think that staying with him might put us both in an uncomfortable situation, where it is just assumed that we would sleep together. Not that I don't want that, but I want it to happen naturally and not because we happen to be sleeping in the same bed. If that makes sense.

 

I would not work there, I am just going to visit him for a week or so.

 

I don't have a lot of money, but enough to get by.

 

And then what? I have no idea.

[Graduate]

I would go to SF and see if you can go together if possible.

 

Well, I bought my ticket to SF yesterday. I am going to arrive sunday noon and leave 10 days later from L.A. I can't control the travel dates as I will just be tagging along with my friend who is going on vacation to California. Btw, she is meeting up with her own friend, so I can't just hang out with her if things don't work out with my guy the way I hope.

 

As expected I did not hear from him since our last convo last thursday. I plan on giving him a call later on and tell him about my trip.

 

The thing is, ever since I bought my ticket I have this feeling that I am making a huge mistake. Basically, I am flying half-way across the planet just to be with a guy I barely know, who doesn't even contact me himself, and whom I at the likelyhood of 95% have no future with whatsoever. What the hell am I doing? Am I that desperate to be with someone?

 

I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go. This has always been my problem, instead of just accepting that something is over, I always try to delay the seperation for as long as possible.

 

Well, now that I bought my ticket I might as well fly there, instead of trying to cancel and then always asking myself what might have been. But somehow I have this feeling that the trip will be a huge disappointment; things with him will be totally different than they were 2 weeks ago, and I will feel really stupid for flying out to see him. So what I am trying to do right now is get into a state of mind where I don't expect anything, but just try to have as good a time as possible.

 

In order to do that I thought of doing the following things:

 

1) Get my own place to stay, even if it is much more expensive. This way neither of us will feel forced to spend time with each other 24/7. Well, that is in the 2 hours or so a day that he is not working.

 

2) Only buy a 1-way ticket to his town. If I don't like it there, I can just leave, and spend my last few days in Southern California, hanging out at the beach and honing my surfing skills.

 

3) I am not going to make him feel like I am coming out there just to see him and thereby force him to act like my boyfriend. I am just going to treat him like a dear friend who I love spending time with and understand if he is busy. That way he won't feel pressured to spend time with me and possibly enjoy it more if he does. Also, it might make me look less pathetic, if I act like I did not fly over there mainly to be with him.

 

What do you guys think, anything else I should add to the list? I would really appreciate any input or advice.

 

Also, I could theoretically still cancel my ticket and just incur the cancellation fee, which is about 10%. Do you think I should scrap the whole trip and forget about it all? I am less worried about getting my heart broken when I leave, but more about having a horrible time and then regretting spending all this time and money.

[LikeCharlotte]

Well, I bought my ticket to SF yesterday. I am going to arrive sunday noon and leave 10 days later from L.A. I can't control the travel dates as I will just be tagging along with my friend who is going on vacation to California. Btw, she is meeting up with her own friend, so I can't just hang out with her if things don't work out with my guy the way I hope.

There are lots of things you can do with a little vacation and I'm sure you can spend some of the time with your friend. Explore the options in the area. The best vacation I've ever taken was spent primarily alone.

 

As expected I did not hear from him since our last convo last thursday. I plan on giving him a call later on and tell him about my trip.

He was proabaly just waiting to hear from you.

 

The thing is, ever since I bought my ticket I have this feeling that I am making a huge mistake. Basically, I am flying half-way across the planet just to be with a guy I barely know, who doesn't even contact me himself, and whom I at the likelyhood of 95% have no future with whatsoever. What the hell am I doing? Am I that desperate to be with someone?

Enjoy it for what it is. It could turn into something but even if it doesn't it is a nice experience. This is a good opportunity to know certainly how he feels and to give yourself the chance to really explore how you feel as well. From what I've read on LS in this section other people get nervous right before a trip like this as well. I would be.

 

I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go. This has always been my problem, instead of just accepting that something is over, I always try to delay the separation for as long as possible.

You know yourself. Is this what you are doing? Don't beat yourself up for wanting to take a chance.

 

Well, now that I bought my ticket I might as well fly there, instead of trying to cancel and then always asking myself what might have been. But somehow I have this feeling that the trip will be a huge disappointment; things with him will be totally different than they were 2 weeks ago, and I will feel really stupid for flying out to see him. So what I am trying to do right now is get into a state of mind where I don't expect anything, but just try to have as good a time as possible.

You are just nervous. You were nervous to talk to him at all. There is nothing wrong with that but I agree that at this point you should go and enjoy it. Try to tell yourself positive things instead of dwelling on a possible disappointment. There is no way to know the future. You are taking a chance at even if nothing else comes from it you are learning about yourself and not letting fear get to you.

 

In order to do that I thought of doing the following things:

 

1) Get my own place to stay, even if it is much more expensive. This way neither of us will feel forced to spend time with each other 24/7. Well, that is in the 2 hours or so a day that he is not working.

 

2) Only buy a 1-way ticket to his town. If I don't like it there, I can just leave, and spend my last few days in Southern California, hanging out at the beach and honing my surfing skills.

 

3) I am not going to make him feel like I am coming out there just to see him and thereby force him to act like my boyfriend. I am just going to treat him like a dear friend who I love spending time with and understand if he is busy. That way he won't feel pressured to spend time with me and possibly enjoy it more if he does. Also, it might make me look less pathetic, if I act like I did not fly over there mainly to be with him.

 

What do you guys think, anything else I should add to the list? I would really appreciate any input or advice.

I think your plan is very good. Make sure you talk to him about his schedule. He will probably be very happy to hear that you are coming. You can always change your plan a bit for a little more time with him if it works out that way. I agree with not pressuring him but be careful not to be too guarded. He may think you've lost interest and guard himself as well.

 

Also, I could theoretically still cancel my ticket and just incur the cancellation fee, which is about 10%. Do you think I should scrap the whole trip and forget about it all? I am less worried about getting my heart broken when I leave, but more about having a horrible time and then regretting spending all this time and money.

It is just nervousness - not that I think its invalid at all - but go! Enjoy it. Let us know how your plans develop after you speak with him.

[Graduate]

Well, I contacted him last night and told him about my trip. He seemed way more interested in seeing me again than last time and he also repeated his offer - not to pay for my ticket but - to pay for everything while I am there.

 

One of the first things he told me was that he now has his own place (he used to live with a roommate, as did I). I guess he really expects me to stay with him, but I am not sure if this is such a good idea. I tried pointing out the advantages of me getting my own place, but he ignored them and just repeated that he wants to see me.

 

I don't know what to do now, on the one hand it would really be cheaper and easier to stay with him and I am going there to spend time with him after all. On the other I don't know if us actually 'living' together is such a good idea. After all that would mean no privacy for either of us and I think this would be way too early in our 'relationship'. After all, we have not even gone beyond kissing and who knows how we are gonna feel when we see each other again.

 

I don't know how to bring this up nicely, as he already jokingly complained that the only reason I am going back to his town is the scenery and not to see him. I guess my playing it cool worked and he doesn't know where I stand. I also suggested he come out to SF so we can spend some time there before we go back to NV together, but I think he understood I only want to spend a day or two with him in SF before I send him back by himself.

 

It really sucks that we can't talk on the phone like normal people, this whole communicating via yahoo messenger is a big nuisance. I told him for the umpteeth time that he should get a calling card or an email address, but it did not sound like he was going to do that. I guess he thinks that it is not worth to do this as I will be there in a few days and after that we might not be in contact anymore. Actually, I have no idea what he thinks. I hope when we are face to face we will be able to have an honest conversation and find out how we both feel about whatever is going on between us.

 

At least I have stopped wondering about whether I should take this trip or not, but am actually excited about going soon. Doesn't mean I won't die of nervosity once I am actually on the plane.

 

So, any advice on how I should handle this whole staying-with-him situation?

[Chris1479]

Sorry to rain on your parade.

 

 

LDRs just do not work - there are exceptional cases, such as a) you've been married for 10 years and he's going away for a month or two. b) you are so insanely in love with each other that somehow you are absolutely POSITIVE you never want anyone else in the world but him again.

 

Oh and btw, something people often don't factor in, while all loved-up:

 

He has to feel exactly the same way. No ifs, no buts, no doubts.

 

Other than that, it's gonna crash and burn. Could be fast, could be slow. But I can guarantee it will also be expensive. Find someone close to home who you actually have a future with.

 

Chris

[TMichaels]

So, yesterday, after not hearing from him for 3 days I texted him via yahoo messenger... They also confirmed my suspicion that only I can initiate conversation, and he can only reply. This sucks, so basically I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation, which means I will never know at what point he would contact me or if he ever would contact me at all if he doesn't hear from me. Any suggestions or comments about that?

 

None, other than the fact that in this day and age, I cannot understand how he can function, even in his job, without access/use of the internet. Communication is key -- including in relationships. If he truly is interested in keeping in touch with you, he may realize he needs to "get with the program" -- whether that be learn to use an email or IM program OR do something as simply as buy a phone card. Time will tell...

 

Okay, now about the content of the conversation. I had the feeling that he was busy and did not have time to chat, but he told me three times that it was okay to chat.

 

Then it was. And, he was happy to hear from you.

 

He pretty much started the conversation out telling me that he works 60hrs a week, monday to saturday. I did not know why he told me that, but figured this might be his way to tell me he would not have time for me to visit.

 

Perhaps. But, he also could have simply had "diarrhea of the mouth" and in his nervousness of coming up with something to say, he simply was telling you what his life is like right now.

 

He asked straightaway when I could come out to see him and when I told him that I might not be able to afford it, he did not renew his offer to pay, but suggested some other ways for me to come up with the money. When I asked him whether he would be able to come see me, he took forever to answer and then wrote something non-committal about not having the time and money right now. Sounds all pretty bad, right?

 

No, not necessarily. Sounds like money is tight and if he's working 60 hr/wk and just started his job, there's no way he can swing a visit to Europe to come see you, but he could see you if you were to visit him in the U.S.

 

So I figured he was not interested anymore and decided to let him off the hook by saying that he probably would be too busy to spend time with me right now if I came see him, so maybe I should come some other time. To which he replied "No, I will definitely have time for you. I can't wait to see you."

 

See above.

 

When I said that I might not be able to afford a ticket to Nevada, but instead might stay in San Francisco he said he would try and get a ticket to come out saturday night till monday morning. When I said something to the effect that he did not have to do that, as I know sunday is his only day off and I know tickets are not cheap, - especially over the weekend -, he agreed, but said that this was the only place to see me, plus he had never been to California. So I suggested he go to Southern California and take in the beaches, to which he replied that I was in San Francisco, which made it the top location for him to visit.

 

Translation: The reason he's considering going to California is to see *you* -- other than that, visiting California isn't of interest to him (at least at the moment, anyway).

 

Gosh, I am being so specific here, I hope he doesn't read that.

How would that be possible? I thought you said he is essentially functionally-illiterate when it comes to the internet and technology?

 

So that's it, and I am not so sure what to make of it. He seems interested in seeing me again, but only if he doesn't have to make too much of an effort about it, right?

 

No, I don't get that impression at all. What I get is the guy is excited about the opportunity to see you again. However, time and money are obstacles. He'd rather have you come visit him as that would mean you'd have more time together as he's working horrendous hours, can't afford to take time off without pay and can't get vacation time since he's a new employee.

 

If you won't/can't come see him, he is willing to do what he *can do* which is spend the weekend with you in San Francisco. In his mind, "something" is better than nothing, which should tell you *he is* interested in seeing you again.

 

Well, I contacted him last night and told him about my trip. He seemed way more interested in seeing me again than last time and he also repeated his offer - not to pay for my ticket but - to pay for everything while I am there.

 

Hmmm... Sure doesn't sound like a person "who is interested if he doesn't have to make too much of an effort" to me... Does it you?

 

One of the first things he told me was that he now has his own place (he used to live with a roommate, as did I). I guess he really expects me to stay with him, but I am not sure if this is such a good idea. I tried pointing out the advantages of me getting my own place, but he ignored them and just repeated that he wants to see me.

 

I don't know what to do now, on the one hand it would really be cheaper and easier to stay with him and I am going there to spend time with him after all. On the other I don't know if us actually 'living' together is such a good idea. After all that would mean no privacy for either of us and I think this would be way too early in our 'relationship'. After all, we have not even gone beyond kissing and who knows how we are gonna feel when we see each other again.

 

I wouldn't necessarily take his insistence that you stay with him a sexual advance or "wishful thinking" on his part. He's offered to "pay for everything while you're there" but on the other hand, he probably doesn't have unlimited resources, so if you were to stay with him, that cost would be avoided, and that may be what is driving his thinking.

 

But, I agree with you, staying with him may very well be "too much, too soon."

 

If you had a roommate when you lived in the same town as this guy, would it not be possible to contact your roommate and find out if you could crash at his/her apartment for a few days? If that's not possible, did you not make any friends there where you might be able to tap for the same favor?

 

Staying with friends instead of his place would be advantageous from a couple of perspectives: 1) It supports your assertion that you're also on a budget; 2) It takes the pressure off in a way that "the only reason you're visiting his town because of him" (a little cat and mouse never hurts); 3) It gives you a "safe haven" just in case things go wrong or get out of hand.

 

If you can't stay with friends, then I would seriously think about booking a room at a reasonable motel -- at your own expense. You haven't said where in Nevada you're planning to visit, but because tourism and gambling are such draws, accommodation tends to be not that expensive. Scour the net for a deal -- Priceline, Hotwire, and even eBay -- sometimes people sell discount coupons or certificates for lodging and many hotels fill their empty rooms there as well.

 

I don't know how to bring this up nicely, as he already jokingly complained that the only reason I am going back to his town is the scenery and not to see him. I guess my playing it cool worked and he doesn't know where I stand. I also suggested he come out to SF so we can spend some time there before we go back to NV together, but I think he understood I only want to spend a day or two with him in SF before I send him back by himself.

 

He may have misunderstood, or he may have been calculating the cost in his mind. It would certainly cost him more to fly out and see you, then foot the bill for everything back home too if you were to return to Nevada with him for a few days.

 

My advice to you is to realize that at this point YOU are in the driver's seat. IOW, if this guy is truly interested, he's going to find a way to see you whether it's for a weekend in San Francisco, a visit to your old stomping grounds or a combination of the two. If he doesn't -- well, there you go -- you'll have your answer about whether there's any use in pursuing something more.

 

Also realize that at this stage in your relationship, "less is probably more." IOW, even though you may be thinking: "If I'm making the trip all the way from Europe to the West Coast to see this guy, I should spend every minute I can being with him from a cost- and time-efficiency standpoint," that may be counter-productive in the end. It's always a better position to leave someone wanting more than to give everything away at the start.

 

If I were you, I would figure out a way to spend a few days with the guy in San Francisco at the beginning of your trip. Then, since you are leaving out of LA (which is NOT just down the road from SF -- it will take several hours by bus or car to get there -- the Coast Highway is a gorgeous way to do that, BTW), I'd make plans to spend some time seeing the sights between the two.

 

This gives you the opportunity to decide how you want to spend the rest of your visit and also makes it clear seeing him ISN'T your ONLY reason for your trip. You have to get to LA somehow/sometime. He can't argue with that.

 

I'd tell him that that is your plan at the moment, and since neither of you have toured San Francisco, you hope he might be able to fly over and spend the weekend with you there. See what he says.

 

Depending on things go with him at the start you then can decide whether to: A) Proceed with your original plan to see the sights in Southern California; B) Take a quick "side trip" to Nevada to see him for a couple of days before you leave.

 

Yes, if he makes the trip to SF this means he will have to spring for a plane ticket but there are all sorts of low-cost/short hop flights between CA and NV, so he should be able to find a reasonable one with no problem. He's also going to have to find a place to stay in SF -- that could be pricey -- but, if that's his only option in order to see you, and he truly does want to, he'll step up to the plate. And, if he doesn't? Well, then you'll know where you stand, won't you?

 

It really sucks that we can't talk on the phone like normal people, this whole communicating via yahoo messenger is a big nuisance. I told him for the umpteeth time that he should get a calling card or an email address, but it did not sound like he was going to do that. I guess he thinks that it is not worth to do this as I will be there in a few days and after that we might not be in contact anymore.

 

He may not think it's worth the effort now (afterall, he doesn't have to -- YOU make sure the two of you stay in contact, don't you?!), however, if your visit goes well, and he wants more, he will figure out a better way soon enough IF you quit being the only one to make sure the two of you stay in touch.

 

Actually, I have no idea what he thinks.

 

LOL... Good to recognize that, as *we all* could be adding 2 + 2 and coming up with 22 -- who knows!

 

I hope when we are face to face we will be able to have an honest conversation and find out how we both feel about whatever is going on between us.

 

Crossing my fingers that you'll be able to...

 

At least I have stopped wondering about whether I should take this trip or not, but am actually excited about going soon. Doesn't mean I won't die of nervosity once I am actually on the plane.

 

Graduate, you can abate some of it by doing two things: 1) Be in the driver's seat in terms of where/when/how you will see him; 2) DON'T make *him* the sole reason for your visit to the West Coast. If things don't work out, you'll be far less disappointed if there are other fun, exciting new things you're looking forward to experiencing and enjoying, even if all that means is that you fulfill a life-long dream of going skinny-dipping in the Pacific Ocean or window shopping in Beverly Hills.

 

Regardless, best of luck with your "adventure." Hope some of this will be of help and that you have a great trip! Keep us posted...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[LikeCharlotte]

Sorry to rain on your parade.

 

 

LDRs just do not work - there are exceptional cases, such as a) you've been married for 10 years and he's going away for a month or two. b) you are so insanely in love with each other that somehow you are absolutely POSITIVE you never want anyone else in the world but him again.

 

Oh and btw, something people often don't factor in, while all loved-up:

 

He has to feel exactly the same way. No ifs, no buts, no doubts.

 

Other than that, it's gonna crash and burn. Could be fast, could be slow. But I can guarantee it will also be expensive. Find someone close to home who you actually have a future with.

 

Chris

I think Grad knows the risks. She is an adult. I also think the presence of this board indicates that you are incorrect. You are entitled to your opinion. Her intention is to figure out how they both feel as they had a limited time to explore it. The rarity of a good connection for some people is worth the expense to explore it. Local would be easier and for some people it works eventually. As a side note... some people (me for instance) aren't looking for a future with an LDR and simply like the idea of having someone fun and special to visit now and again. The adventure appeals to me. There is no recipe or one way that fits all. Hope your parade isn't too wet.

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi Grad-

I can't say anything TM didn't say already. I hope you really enjoy yourself. Keep us updated! :bunny:

[Catherina]

I agree with T Michaels - do not make the trip all about him. Have fun in San Francisco, then see where it takes you.

 

I also think it's pretty obvious that you are into this guy - I don't really see how he cannot have an email address (is he being serious?) or why he can't pick up the phone to call you. I mean, when the text msgs crashed, you actually called Yahoo to check it out! Can you imagine a GUY doing that? I sure cannot! You have just put so much effort and thought into him, I personally would back off and give him an opportunity to pursue you - if he's interested, he will. If you spend your entire trip trying to figure him out and going out of your way and spending tons of money to see him, you may end up disappointed. But if you play it cool and leave him wanting more, it could end up to be an amazing trip and possibly the start of a great relationship.

 

I hope I'm making sense...I'm really tired! haha!

Long distance really SUCKS!!! I hate it.

[Chris1479]

@ LikeCharlotte "Long distance really SUCKS!!! I hate it"

 

Sure it CAN work. Like I could give up my job if I won the lottery.

 

The 'mortality rate' of LDRs is way way up there with guns and tequila. For 9/10 people, even if they like that person, it just doesn't make longterm sense.

[TMichaels]

Sorry to rain on your parade.

 

LDRs just do not work - there are exceptional cases, such as a) you've been married for 10 years and he's going away for a month or two. b) you are so insanely in love with each other that somehow you are absolutely POSITIVE you never want anyone else in the world but him again.

 

Oh and btw, something people often don't factor in, while all loved-up:

 

He has to feel exactly the same way. No ifs, no buts, no doubts.

 

Other than that, it's gonna crash and burn. Could be fast, could be slow. But I can guarantee it will also be expensive. Find someone close to home who you actually have a future with.

 

@ LikeCharlotte "Long distance really SUCKS!!! I hate it"

 

Sure it CAN work. Like I could give up my job if I won the lottery.

 

The 'mortality rate' of LDRs is way way up there with guns and tequila. For 9/10 people, even if they like that person, it just doesn't make longterm sense.

 

Chris

 

Actually Chris, the odds of a LDR working out are a lot better than one in ten. I realize it sounds like in your experience things didn't work out for you, but you still might find the following of interest:

 

http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/faqs.htm#FAQs%20Do%20LDRs%20work

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Graduate]

Hi everyone,

thanks a lot for your replies, and TMichaels... WOW! That was an awesome post, thanks for really going into detail and looking also at my earlier posts.

 

I am going to post a longer reply later, but now I am off to 2 job interviews. Wish me luck!

[Graduate]

None, other than the fact that in this day and age, I cannot understand how he can function, even in his job, without access/use of the internet.

 

Me neither, but apparently he does.

 

No, I don't get that impression at all. What I get is the guy is excited about the opportunity to see you again. However, time and money are obstacles. He'd rather have you come visit him as that would mean you'd have more time together as he's working horrendous hours, can't afford to take time off without pay and can't get vacation time since he's a new employee.

 

That makes so much sense, now why did not I see it this way?

 

If you had a roommate when you lived in the same town as this guy, would it not be possible to contact your roommate and find out if you could crash at his/her apartment for a few days? If that's not possible, did you not make any friends there where you might be able to tap for the same favor?

 

My roommate and I both moved out at the same time and most of my friends are either international students or students from other states who went home for the summer. There is no one I would feel comfortable asking whether I could crash at their place.

 

Staying with friends instead of his place would be advantageous from a couple of perspectives: 1) It supports your assertion that you're also on a budget; 2) It takes the pressure off in a way that "the only reason you're visiting his town because of him" (a little cat and mouse never hurts); 3) It gives you a "safe haven" just in case things go wrong or get out of hand.

 

I agree, it sure would make everything easier if I was not staying with him but I don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him and seeing him is only a by-product of my trip; something he already suspects. Any advice on how I could tell him I am going to stay at a motel?

 

Also realize that at this stage in your relationship, "less is probably more." IOW, even though you may be thinking: "If I'm making the trip all the way from Europe to the West Coast to see this guy, I should spend every minute I can being with him from a cost- and time-efficiency standpoint," that may be counter-productive in the end. It's always a better position to leave someone wanting more than to give everything away at the start.

 

You are right, that is exactly what I am thinking and I don't want to waste precious time on getting re-acquainted or acting the way I would if we were living in the same city. In my head I know you are right, but I am scared that this might be the last time I get to see him and I am going to regret every hour spent apart once I am gone.

 

If I were you, I would figure out a way to spend a few days with the guy in San Francisco at the beginning of your trip.

 

That's what I would like too, but he told me that he can only take the weekend off, which means he can either spend half a day with me once I arrive on sunday, or the full weekend next week. I choose next weekend, but I don't want to wait the whole week to see him.

 

So right now I am planning on spending two or three days in SF and then flying out to NV. Hopefully he will be able to take the weekend off and so we can go together to San Diego, from where I will continue on to LA and he will go home by himself. I have a friend in LA and already promised her to stay at her house for 2 days or so, so I can't change my mind last minute and go back with him to NV. I hate having to put my head to work against my heart/gut. I wish those two would work together.

 

This means that I will only spend about half of my trip with him, which I somehow feel is a waste of precious time that could be spent together, but it also means that he won't be the sole purpose of my trip and it will be less likely for us to get tired of spending time together.

 

What do you guys think, does that sound like a decent plan?

[Graduate]

 

I also think it's pretty obvious that you are into this guy

 

I know, that's why I am posting here about him. Or do you mean it should be obvious to him?

 

But if you play it cool and leave him wanting more, it could end up to be an amazing trip and possibly the start of a great relationship.

 

Any suggestion on how I could do that?

 

I am trying to back off and let him pursue me, but really, it is taking all my energy not to contact him and wait for a few days to pass before I contact him again. If I would follow my heart, I would chat with him on a daily basis.

 

One thing is for sure, no matter how this trip goes, when I go back to Europe I am not going to contact him unless I hear from him first. Even if it is going to be very difficult - which I am sure it is - I am going to make sure that staying in touch doesn't depend anymore solely on me, but is a joint venture.

[TMichaels]

Originally Posted by TMichaels:

No, I don't get that impression at all. What I get is the guy is excited about the opportunity to see you again. However, time and money are obstacles. He'd rather have you come visit him as that would mean you'd have more time together as he's working horrendous hours, can't afford to take time off without pay and can't get vacation time since he's a new employee.

 

That makes so much sense, now why did not I see it this way?

 

Because you're too worried about whether or not "he's into you," as much as you are into him.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by TMichaels:

Staying with friends instead of his place would be advantageous from a couple of perspectives: 1) It supports your assertion that you're also on a budget; 2) It takes the pressure off in a way that "the only reason you're visiting his town because of him" (a little cat and mouse never hurts); 3) It gives you a "safe haven" just in case things go wrong or get out of hand.

 

I agree, it sure would make everything easier if I was not staying with him but I don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him and seeing him is only a by-product of my trip; something he already suspects. Any advice on how I could tell him I am going to stay at a motel?

 

So what if he thinks that your trip *isn't* all about him? Making it so puts an enormous amount of pressure on you both. Pressure and angst, BTW, that YOU are creating by worrying so much about what *he* thinks instead of clearing you head, taking things as they come, and thinking about what's best for *you.*

 

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. I know some people might be flattered, but wouldn't you feel backed in a corner to some extent if some guy with whom you have a very brief history with announces he's spending several thousand dollars solely to come see you half-way around the world?

 

Such situations are loaded with unspoken expectations. And, unspoken expectations are usually a tried and true source of letdown, disappointment and despair.

 

Aside all that, do you really want to give the impression that you're chasing this guy? Or, that you're so desperate for his attention that you would do anything -- no matter the cost -- to see him? I guess the other person could find that flattering, but just as easily they could see it as pathetic... Do you want that? Do you see what I mean?

 

Suggestions about how to tell him you're staying elsewhere? Ummm... How about: "I know you offered to let me stay at your place, but I don't want to impose, and have booked a room at XYZ."

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by TMichaels:

Also realize that at this stage in your relationship, "less is probably more." IOW, even though you may be thinking: "If I'm making the trip all the way from Europe to the West Coast to see this guy, I should spend every minute I can being with him from a cost- and time-efficiency standpoint," that may be counter-productive in the end. It's always a better position to leave someone wanting more than to give everything away at the start.

 

You are right, that is exactly what I am thinking and I don't want to waste precious time on getting re-acquainted or acting the way I would if we were living in the same city. In my head I know you are right, but I am scared that this might be the last time I get to see him and I am going to regret every hour spent apart once I am gone.

 

Duh. Welcome to the world of long distance relationships! Of course (if you mutually decide to continue exploring the relationship) you'll pine for each other's company when you're apart. Just part of the territory. But, aren't you putting the cart before the horse a bit, here?

 

You don't know how things will go when you visit. Maybe it will be great, maybe it won't, and possibly you (or he) might decide to continue to be friends, and that's all.

 

But, as long as you wrap this whole encounter up in a rosy, idealistic romantic cloud, you're not going to be able to sort the good from the bad, and are setting yourself up for much more disappointment if reality doesn't live up to the dream you've spun (perhaps to justify to what lengths you're going to in order to see this guy).

 

Take a deep breath and chill out a bit. Take things a step at a time and see how it goes. After your visit, if you two are equally smitten with each other, there will be other times. Have some faith, and don't throw yourself at this guy's feet so much. It takes two to tango, and as long as you're "engineering" things at every turn, he doesn't have to make any sort of effort and you're not going to get an accurate picture of his interest in YOU.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by TMichaels:

If I were you, I would figure out a way to spend a few days with the guy in San Francisco at the beginning of your trip.

 

That's what I would like too, but he told me that he can only take the weekend off, which means he can either spend half a day with me once I arrive on sunday, or the full weekend next week. I choose next weekend, but I don't want to wait the whole week to see him.

 

So right now I am planning on spending two or three days in SF and then flying out to NV. Hopefully he will be able to take the weekend off and so we can go together to San Diego, from where I will continue on to LA and he will go home by himself. I have a friend in LA and already promised her to stay at her house for 2 days or so, so I can't change my mind last minute and go back with him to NV. I hate having to put my head to work against my heart/gut. I wish those two would work together.

 

This means that I will only spend about half of my trip with him, which I somehow feel is a waste of precious time that could be spent together, but it also means that he won't be the sole purpose of my trip and it will be less likely for us to get tired of spending time together.

 

What do you guys think, does that sound like a decent plan?

 

Sounds like a great plan!

 

But, do try and get your head around the fact that making so many assumptions about how either of you do or will feel is asking for trouble. Go with the flow and see where things lead; if it's a relationship YOU BOTH want to sustain, you will.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Catherina]

I am so terrible at posting online - I have no idea how to go back and read the posts once I've decided to "Post Reply"! Ugh!

 

I know you had asked if it was 'obvious to him' that you are into this guy. The answer is...YES! I agree once again with the wise TMichaels - chill out and stop chasing this guy so much. I know you write the trip is only 'half about him', but to be honest, he would have to be a complete moron to not notice that you are taking this trip specifically so you can see him. However, I also think it's great you are taking this opportunity, SO I would do as you say - spend half the trip with your friends, and as TMichaels suggested, possibly say you already have booked a hotel room so it isn't so obvious that you want to spend all your time with you man.

 

I've said it before - I'll say it again. Men and women are just different. As women, we will spend every waking moment - every waking SECOND - wondering why our man cannot take just two minutes to send a text or make a simply phone call. Some guys just DON'T. They are just wired differently. I know it's so frustrating that you were with this guy for awhile, then suddenly, your communication is completely cut off. It's hard to deal with that confusion, but that is one of the unfortunate realities of LDR's. Sometimes you're just going to feel lonely and wondering what your man is up to and what he is thinking - and there is simply no way to find an immediate solution.

 

It sounds to me like you and this guy had a pretty deep connection. You have taken the steps for you two to be together again - my advice would be to spend the time with him, but DO NOT pressure him with any sort of 'relationship talk' or anything like that. If a man wants a relationship with you, he'll tell you. Pressuring him will only make him run the other way. He obviously wants to see you, he's excited to see you, all you have to do now is be the fabulous person that you are and just by doing that he will be reminded all over again about why he fell in love with you in the first place. Hopefully he'll want to keep pursuing that!

 

And, even though I wrote it earlier, I really don't think LDR's suck. I was in one on and off for nine years w/a dude from Germany and finally, after all that time, he is moving here in just 18 days to start his job in the USA! The whole thing was all about patience, dealing with heartache, and trust me - I spent many nights and holidays feeling sad and missing him and wondering WHY he wasn't doing everything he could for us to be together. But it was all just a timing and maturity issue. Now that I look back on it, I'm glad that it took us awhile to get where we are today. It seems perfect.

 

I say this all the time, but women who chase men are a dime a dozen. Show your man you are different. Know that with this LDR you are going to experience heartache, loneliness, doubt, wondering, confusion, totally psychotic feelings - that just goes with the territory. If you're willing to deal with all that, try to go easy on your man, and you two could eventually end up very happy!

 

Sorry if that was long - I just had a couple glasses of wine and am slightly buzzed - haha!

[Graduate]

TMichaels,

you are giving me some tough love here, aren't you? But I guess I needed to hear that, I do feel a bit pathetic and humiliated now. You are right, I am putting the horse before the cart here, as I have no idea how he is going to feel and I am already trying to "engineer" everything. An ex once called me a control-freak and I guess he was right. I guess if I keep thinking that this might be the only time I get to see him again, I am going to act desperate and ruin what otherwise might be a fun time.

 

I really have to keep in mind that he is NOT my boyfriend, but just a guy I am dating and he doesn't 'owe' me anything. I am talking about phonecalls or time spent together here. If he wants to hang out with me, great, but if he doesn't that is fine too. I definitely must not make the mistake of saying something like: " I flew half-way across the world and spend half a fortune to see you and you ...". He did not ask me to come visit him, it was all my idea. Gotta keep that in mind and stop spinning this rosy phantasy of what my trip could be like.

 

Catherina,

I am very happy for you!!! How on earth did you manage to stay in a LDR for 9 years? Especially if it was trans-continental? I admire your patience and hope that everything will be great when he finally arrives. Only 18 days to go (17 now), you must be sooo happy.

 

You have taken the steps for you two to be together again - my advice would be to spend the time with him, but DO NOT pressure him with any sort of 'relationship talk' or anything like that. If a man wants a relationship with you, he'll tell you. Pressuring him will only make him run the other way. He obviously wants to see you, he's excited to see you, all you have to do now is be the fabulous person that you are and just by doing that he will be reminded all over again about why he fell in love with you in the first place.

 

Easier said than done, but I will definitely try and refrain from relationship talk and instead try to enjoy the time we have together and live in the moment.

[Catherina]

Hello again,

 

I AM happy - now I can say that! But you know, one of the things my man told me was this: (Well, I cannot quote him, so I'll just paraphrase it). He said that I was the ONLY girl he had EVER dated who didn't try to define the relationship and who didn't chase him. SO he always knew that his pursuit of me and of our relationship was real and was truly what he wanted. Why? Because he was not responding to my advances (because, hard as it was, I never pursued him!) but instead he was doing things and pursuing a relationship because he had to put forth the effort to make things happen from the very beginning. Does that make sense? Funny thing is, I NEVER called him. Never. I didn't even have his phone number until last year (I am not kidding you!). I just never wanted to bother calling him. I always thought, "If he wants to talk to me, he'll call me". I say it a million times: Women who pursue men are so easy to come by these days. Men are intrigued if you can set yourself apart from all the others. My boyfriend to this day still says that he cannot believe he is moving across the Atlantic for a GIRL. I love it! I am so happy.

 

I know you said TMichaels was giving you 'tough love' (TMichaels always does give awesome advice - I have to admit!) but at the same point, I do not think it's too late for you. From here on out, just play it cool. It sounds like you've got a great trip planned. Your man clearly wants to see you. You've got the groundwork taken care of - now just hang out with him and have fun!

 

It is the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD to not pursue your man or try to ask questions to try to figure out where the relationship is going. And many people would disagree with me on this, but you simply have to force yourself to play it cool. It is so difficult. Trust me. I've been through it. I understand. Again, like I said, he has already been interested in him once. You don't have to go out of your way to 'remind' him why he should want to be with you. It is going to be so hard to not bring up 'the talk'. Do you have a group of good girl friends that you can vent with? Many, many times when I have been feeling crazy (b/c an LDR will make ANY normal person a total psycho!), I have chosen to spend time with my friends and have what we like to call 'bitch sessions'. It really helps to have good friends to support you and to remind you to stay calm...

 

And the really funny (and unfair) thing is, if you two do decide to be in a relationship together, it is going to get even MORE difficult than it is for you right now! You're really going to be missing him, you'll want to be with him, etc....it's so difficult. Sounds like you already know, as you've experienced other LDR's in the past.

 

Hang in there - it's tough, but you can make it through!

[Graduate]

It is the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD to not pursue your man or try to ask questions to try to figure out where the relationship is going. And many people would disagree with me on this, but you simply have to force yourself to play it cool.

 

You are right, it is especially hard for me right now as I don't know how to gauge our last conversation.

 

Yesterday I contacted him to ask him about whether he can make it to SF or wants to go to SD together next weekend, and also to tell him when I will land in his town.

 

Well, contrarily to the 2-3 hours of chatting we normally do, I got 4! texts from him in an hour! When I asked him about SF and SD he just said: "No, I can't." I waited for him to ask whether I am coming to see him or suggest some other way to meet up, but when he did not say anything, I wrote: "So I'll see you in XYZ" His reply: "sounds good, see you".

 

That really stumped me, I mean he repeatedly offered to let me stay at his place and pick me up from the airport, and now he doesn't even ask which day or time I am arriving? What the heck is going on?

 

I want to believe that he just had a bad day or is busy at work, but it sounds a lot like he is way less excited about me visiting him anymore.

 

What should I do now? Part of me wants to send him a message like: "Is everything okay? If you changed your mind about me coming to see you, that's fine. I'd just like to know now instead of later."

 

The other part thinks this is just my insecurities talking and I should let it be instead of pressuring him into telling me how he feels etc. Maybe he is just nervous or getting cold feet himself. Or maybe he is starting to see it the way TMichaels said; namely pressured and backed into a corner because I am spending all this time and money just to come see him.

 

I thought a 3rd option might be for me to contact him from SF and ask him if he can pick me up from the airport. 4th option is to call him once I settled into a hotel and ask whether he wants to hang out. But the truth is I AM flying half-way across the world and spending half a fortune to see him, so if he doesn't want that anymore I'd rather know now so I can stay in California and hang out with friends at the beach. A return trip from SF is going to cost me about $400, I don't want to spend that money if he isn't even excited about seeing me.

 

So what do you guys think I should do?

[TMichaels]

That really stumped me, I mean he repeatedly offered to let me stay at his place and pick me up from the airport, and now he doesn't even ask which day or time I am arriving? What the heck is going on?

 

I want to believe that he just had a bad day or is busy at work, but it sounds a lot like he is way less excited about me visiting him anymore.

 

Did you ask him if it was a good time for him to talk? Did he give you any other indication why he was so "spare" with words?

 

The other part thinks this is just my insecurities talking and I should let it be instead of pressuring him into telling me how he feels etc. Maybe he is just nervous or getting cold feet himself. Or maybe he is starting to see it the way TMichaels said; namely pressured and backed into a corner because I am spending all this time and money just to come see him.

 

In the past you said he was teasing you about the fact *you weren't* coming just to see him. You imply he now knows you are? Did you say something to that effect? If so, he probably *has* freaked out.

 

I thought a 3rd option might be for me to contact him from SF and ask him if he can pick me up from the airport.

 

What airport? San Francisco or in Nevada? If it's the latter, what if he says he can't? Yes, you certainly could manage to get yourself from the airport to your motel on your own, but why on earth would you want to even make the trip if he's "unavailable?" To sit in a room for a few days by yourself or stalk him while you're in town?

 

4th option is to call him once I settled into a hotel and ask whether he wants to hang out. But the truth is I AM flying half-way across the world and spending half a fortune to see him, so if he doesn't want that anymore I'd rather know now so I can stay in California and hang out with friends at the beach. A return trip from SF is going to cost me about $400, I don't want to spend that money if he isn't even excited about seeing me...

 

Exactly.

 

...What should I do now? Part of me wants to send him a message like: "Is everything okay? If you changed your mind about me coming to see you, that's fine. I'd just like to know now instead of later."

 

That would be the sensible and prudent thing to do. BTW, your "insecurities" have nothing to do with it --you can't just "let it be." You need to know what you are doing as far as logistics for your trip before you invest any more time or money. He should understand that.

 

You could text him, but better yet, would be to talk to him on the phone instead of trying to decipher what each is saying via your rather unorthodox text messaging set-up.

 

Bottom line is, if he can't give you a definitive answer of who/what/why/where and when regarding your visit, then if I were you, I would make other plans -- plans that *don't* involve visiting him and/or his town.

 

Good luck!

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Graduate]

Hi TMichaels,

 

thanks a lot for your post, excellent advice as always.

 

Well, I followed your advice and contacted him asking whether he still wants me to come visit or has changed his mind. His reply: "You know I can't wait to see, what about you? Did you change your mind?"

 

Well, turns out he was just really busy the other day and could not chat and I made a big deal out of nothing.

 

Unfortunately I just received some other bad news; remember I am only tagging along with a friend of mine, as I can't afford a proper ticket myself. Well, the flight she is on is heavily over-booked and it looks like I won't get on. As I can only travel together with her, this means that my trip is pretty much cancelled. I will still fly out to London with her tomorrow morning and hope to get on the connecting flight to SF, but if it is full, she is going to get on and I will have to fly back home.

 

Man, as if I did not have enough worries enough. Well, wish me luck and I will keep you posted what happened.

[Catherina]

If it makes you feel any better, a couple of weeks ago when my boyfriend came here from Germany, his flight was overbooked. So he had to wait about 8 more hours for the next flight, they put him in business class, AND he was awarded $900USD for the 'inconvenience'. He had the best flight he'd ever had, plus got some extra cash out of the deal! So just because the flight is overbooked doesn't mean your trip is canceled, you'll probably just have to wait a little bit, so ask for some compensation!

 

Glad to hear he still wants to see you. Just remember: Play it cool with him. Have fun, but let him start all the 'relationship talks'. Guys are just weird like that - even if they are totally in love with a girl, they want to feel like they're the ones initiating the relationship.

 

HAVE FUN!!!

[Graduate]

Hi guys,

just wanted to check in and let you know that I made it to Nevada, I nearly had to stay behind in Europe because my flight was overbooked and I only had a waitlist ticket, but last minute I got on.

 

So I am here in Nevada now and everything is great. My guy is working 12 hours a day, so we only get to spend the evenings together, but I am loving every second of it. I am trying not to think about the future and only live for the moment, but I am sure I will be devasted when I leave because the moment I saw him my heartrate surged and I realized that I am totally crazy about him (not that you guys doubted that before).

 

I will let you know how everything went when I am back home, wish I could make time stop and stay here for a month!

[Catherina]

Thanks for the update!!!! I am glad to hear things are going well! I totally understand - you are going to be devastated when you leave, that is unfortunately how it is. I hate that part of Long Distance Relationships! Saying goodbye is AWFUL!!!

 

Anyways, it was good to hear things are going well. Seriously, I NEVER am the type to really get into online things, but I have to admit, I was checking on here just to see if you posted an update as to how your trip was going! Again, happy to hear you got together and that you're having fun...Let us know if anything exciting happens!

 

Have a great time!