mike3434 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. I'm 23 and she is 21. We've lived together for the past year and naturally spend a lot of time together. For the last six months, though, I've been wrought with suspicion and bad thoughts. First, about six months ago, she befriended her boss' step son. He is 18 years old and is one of those good-looking, "Abercrombie" types. At first I thought nothing of it, as my girlfriend has typically had more guy friends that lady friends, and that's fine. I started getting bothered, though, when she would regularly go to hang out with him after work and not return my phone calls until she left about three hours later. The response was that she left her phone in her coat or whatnot. Regardless it still happened pretty frequently. Later I noticed that she was texting and talking with him on a daily basis. They would get lunch together regularly; maybe twice a week every week. I asked about it but never really got much detail. At this point I raised an eyebrow, but still, it was more of a curiosity than a freak-out thing. Then, maybe two or three months into their friendship, I started to notice flirt-heavy texts. One, when my girlfriend was asking him to get lunch, it was "have time for a quicky? no pun intended ;-)." Another one dealt with the fact that they had a nickname of "tasty." At this point I confronted her about the friendship. I asked her what what up, and what the texts meant. She simply said it was "harmless flirting" and that it meant nothing. In response, I asked her if she would include me in the friendship so I wouldn't be so uncomfortable about it. (I found it kind of odd that I was never, ever invited to hang out.) I figured, hey, if I get to know the kid -- as well as see what their friendship was myself -- I could be OK with it. She got very defensive and uncomfortable, and said that she didn't want me to be a part of this friendship. She said that it was "her thing." Of course I didn't like the answer and we fought about it. A week or two later I actually met the kid at her boss' house and both my girlfriend and the kid were obviously uncomfortable. They stood across the room from each other, had forced conversation and barely said a word. After that, they never talked again. I asked why, and she simply said that they "had nothing left to say," and the friendship just kind of cooled off. How can you go from talking to someone every day for months to just nothing? I don't get it. Of course she denies any cheating ever happened. I want to believe her but I'm having a hard time. Now I get jealous and suspicious about so many other things because I just can't get it out of the back of my head. Am I just crazy, or is there something here?
theobserver Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I asked her if she would include me in the friendship... She got very defensive and uncomfortable, and said that she didn't want me to be a part of this friendship. She said that it was "her thing." .... A week or two later I actually met the kid at her boss' house and both my girlfriend and the kid were obviously uncomfortable.... I asked why, and she simply said that they "had nothing left to say," and the friendship just kind of cooled off. Sorry mate but you went about this in all the right ways, you even slipped in the question to ask if you could hang out to get to know him (which would of been my first advice ) her response said it all. At the vest least my friend she was having an emotional affair with this guy. She totally disrespected you and had no regard to your feelings when you asked to be apart of this friendship briefly if only to get to know him which is perfectly fine, I personally would of shown her the door at that moment or just broken up there and then. I doubt those texts were playful flirting at all and although it's hard to tell from your typed response it didn't seem she made any efforts to prove to you otherwise only to get over it. As for their reaction to eachother at the party either now they are being more secretive of their get togethers or one of them decided the "affair" wasn't worth it it's as simple as that. I don't think it's too much to ask her again what really went on or your over again though this girl has shown no respect for your well being at all and I don't think you need someone like that as your partner. Your not going crazy, and the reason why your feeling so jealous and suspicious of her is because after all her behaviour she's given you no reason to trust her at all heh have a look at half the threads around her us humans aren't all too different the same things tend to happen to people you got dealt several red flags from your girlfriend, the secretive calls, texts, and extensive meetings with the other man with no intention to include you or inform you of where she was with this man at the time. Kick her to the curb.
norajane Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 A week or two later I actually met the kid at her boss' house and both my girlfriend and the kid were obviously uncomfortable. They stood across the room from each other, had forced conversation and barely said a word. After that, they never talked again. I asked why, and she simply said that they "had nothing left to say," and the friendship just kind of cooled off. How can you go from talking to someone every day for months to just nothing? I don't get it. I'm guessing he may have found a girlfriend of his own, or he wasn't entirely aware that she had a bf. Or they may finally have had that conversation about getting it on and 1) she said no b/c she has a bf, or 2) he said she had to choose between him and you. Either way, when it became clear that they couldn't be together, the relationship cooled. Yes, you have every reason to be concerned. She was not treating you with respect, she was not honoring your requests and was dismissing your very valid concerns, and she was not being entirely honest with you - she still isn't. It's up to you whether you can live with that or not.
vivrantflo Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I started getting bothered, though, when she would regularly go to hang out with him after work and not return my phone calls until she left about three hours later. The response was that she left her phone in her coat or whatnot. Regardless it still happened pretty frequently. I think Norajane is right. I don't think this dude knew your woman is a taken woman. And don't buy that phone excuse.. a woman's cell phone is NEVER far away from them. She ignored your calls.. hiding you from this 18 year old kid. Later I noticed that she was texting and talking with him on a daily basis. They would get lunch together regularly; maybe twice a week every week. I asked about it but never really got much detail. At this point I raised an eyebrow, but still, it was more of a curiosity than a freak-out thing. Texting on a daily basis?? I would have said something at that point. That's disrespectful to you. I really don't think this guy had ANY clue that he was talking to a taken woman. Your girl is bad, bad news. Then, maybe two or three months into their friendship, I started to notice flirt-heavy texts. One, when my girlfriend was asking him to get lunch, it was "have time for a quicky? no pun intended ;-)." Another one dealt with the fact that they had a nickname of "tasty." Bro, a dude calling my woman "tasty" is fight music. There's no way I'd let that fly. Your girl is untrustworthy, and you should get rid of her. Even if she didn't do anything physical with this guy here, she has shown that she's capable of flirting with other guys.. now what if this guy was 8-10 years older, and reciprocated the flirting?? Who knows how far she'd go. 3 hours to return your phone calls? What was she doing?? She got very defensive and uncomfortable, and said that she didn't want me to be a part of this friendship. She said that it was "her thing." Of course I didn't like the answer and we fought about it. This is where I would have kicked her out of the house. What the hell is "her thing"? I'd be telling her to get "her things" and get the hell out of my place!! Brutal!! How can she say that she doesn't want u to be a part of the friendship? She obviously knows that her friendship with this guy is bothering you... But she doesn't give a F 100% she was at least emotionally cheating on you. A week or two later I actually met the kid at her boss' house and both my girlfriend and the kid were obviously uncomfortable. They stood across the room from each other, had forced conversation and barely said a word. After that, they never talked again. I asked why, and she simply said that they "had nothing left to say," and the friendship just kind of cooled off. This means.. 1. IF he knew she was taken, the reality of it was right in front of him, and figured it wasnt worth it anymore. Probably got a good look at you and knew that you can feed him his a$$ if you found out about him. 2. He had no idea your woman was taken until that night. He was un easy, nervous, probably pissed.. and she was embarrassed..guilty and probably didnt expect the guy to respond the way he did.. so it was awkward between them. Your girl is no good. Of course she denies any cheating ever happened. I want to believe her but I'm having a hard time. Now I get jealous and suspicious about so many other things because I just can't get it out of the back of my head. And it will continue to torment you, unless you get the complete truth of what happend, or didn't happen. And you'll never get that. She didn't conduct herself in a way that says she's happy to be in a relationship with you, and that she respects you. If you don't get rid of her, she'll do it again. And who knows how far she'll go?? She'll be more careful next time. Not worth it. Dump her.
Bryanp Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Your girlfriend was totally disrespecting you. The chances are pretty good that she probably was cheating on you. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your girlfriend would have put up with such disrespect from you? My guess is that it is a matter of time before she does this again. They had a nickname of tasty for each other? You would have to be in big time denial to ignore this. She was doing this while living with you? Time to look for a new girlfriend.
Author mike3434 Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 I kind of knew things weren't right, but it's just good to let it out and hear what others think. Mentioning respect is a great point. It's not even a question of if she cheated, it's bad, and if she didn't, then everything is OK. Cheating or not -- it was still really disrespectful to the relationship. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do. She says she didn't cheat. OK, so is the disrespect enough to end the relationship? I don't know. Regardless, thanks for reading, and thanks for the thoughts.
lolobear Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 it sounds like most likely she did something she feels guilty about, but doesn't want to ruin or change her relationship with you. you should breakup with her if you don't feel as good with her anymore not because you're afraid other people will think she disrespected you. tell her that whether or not she was intimate with the 18 abercrombie guy you were still hurt which means something was wrong. tell her you want to seek therapy together.
vivrantflo Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I still haven't decided what I'm going to do. She says she didn't cheat. OK, so is the disrespect enough to end the relationship? I don't know. I just think she's no good. I mean, how far could she really have gone with this guy? I'm sure he lives at home with his step dad so there's not much movement she can make. Of course she's not gonna admit she cheated. You'll kick her out! Then where is she gonna go? She's no good.. what if 3 months down the road, some greaseball 28 year old that lives on his own starts hitting on your woman. Does she seem committed enough to you to tell him to piss off?? Or do think she'll entertain his crap, and have a "friendship" with him, that's "her thing"? If you hesistate on that answer, or you're not sure.. you know she's no good.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 She simply said it was "harmless flirting" and that it meant nothing. No such thing. You should not be flirting with anyone else while in a relationship, period. I agree with everyone else--she's disrespectful, and whether or not she actually cheated, you deserve better.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I kind of knew things weren't right, but it's just good to let it out and hear what others think. Mentioning respect is a great point. It's not even a question of if she cheated, it's bad, and if she didn't, then everything is OK. Cheating or not -- it was still really disrespectful to the relationship. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do. She says she didn't cheat. OK, so is the disrespect enough to end the relationship? I don't know. Regardless, thanks for reading, and thanks for the thoughts. Simple answer... Yes, you should probably dump her with all due haste. I'd rather have my GF's respect than love. You don't have either one. Your an idiot if you stay with her.
stillafool Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure she was cheating on you. I'm ashamed to say when I was her age I was in her position and I was cheating with the guy. Being 21 (I mean you both are young and have a lot to learn) and wanting to experience so many things. I definitely don't think she meant to hurt you though. The reason I'm pretty sure she was cheating is (besides all the other obvious signs) when you two were at the party she should have been excited to hang out with you and him together. The fact that they kept their distance is so telling. He should have been over there telling you how much he's heard about you and is finally meeting you. He sounds goodlooking, why didn't he have a girl with him?
toughcookie Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 have a company deliver flowers to her work but DO NOT have any name or clue as to who sent the flowers. if she is cheating on you she wont acknowledge the flowers because what if the other guy sent them, if shes not then she will most definitely know they came from you or she will at least acknowledge the fact that she just got flowers at work
vivrantflo Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 have a company deliver flowers to her work but DO NOT have any name or clue as to who sent the flowers. if she is cheating on you she wont acknowledge the flowers because what if the other guy sent them, if shes not then she will most definitely know they came from you or she will at least acknowledge the fact that she just got flowers at work She might play it smart.. and ask the 18 year old if he sent them. When he says no, then she can go home, and thank the OP for the flowers..
Lucky_One Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Why do you believe that they never talk anymore? From an "experienced" OW, I can tell you that it is easy easy easy to hide communications. You erase your inbox and outbox religiously, or you simply don't text. Or you get a pay-as-you-go phone (although they sound too young/inexperienced to do the second phone thing). You only call at work hours or when you are alone at home. Or you IM and email at night with hidden email accounts. Or you text codes under a bogus name. You put your lover's number under a false name so that it shows up as someone "safe" in the call list. I hope you have detailed billing and that you are allowed to see her bills. Rebuilding trust is a bitch, and can be nearly impossible to do - esp when you know in your heart that someone is lying to you. Bc you know she was/is, right?
just-a-girl Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 At 23 I would say forget her and move on. That is a great time in your life and there are a lot of girl out there that will be honest with you. I would rather start fresh with someone new,fun, and trustworthy. If you were married this would be a different reply but why waste time.
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