sunshinegirl Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I had a really good 4th of July yesterday, despite being the only single person in a crowd of about 5 married couples and a gaggle of kids. I am so glad I went - these are more 'steps toward life' as I've written about in another thread. Today was a slightly harder day - I didn't have big plans which left me with too much time on my hands. But I went for a run, and I finally connected with friends and went out to dinner with them in a seaside town nearby - lovely evening with good company. We walked and window shopped afterwards, and I dropped some bucks on a great new floor lamp for my living room. Which I am enjoying right now. All yesterday and today my mind had been contemplating the stuff Trialbyfire had helped me with the other night - being clear about my values and how my ex came nowhere close to living up to those values; that he's NOT the man I thought I saw or wanted him to be. Today I added to those thoughts the realization that I wouldn't want to have a son just like him. I would have spent my parenting years trying to correct or overcompensate for his bad qualities (most especially his lack of empathy and caring). I would NOT be proud of a son who was as self-centered and closed off as him. I would also, almost certainly, come to resent him (the ex) eventually for being so closed off and unavailable. Yes, I felt alone/lonely as the only single person in our group last night, but had we stayed together, in only a year or two more, I would have felt just as lonely, confused, and possibly already resenting him. Okay, all good. But on the drive home from dinner I started crying, wishing so much for him to regret how he treated me and to offer a real apology. (Please, please turn out to be a real person with a real heart. Don't be a real-life tin man.) Part of me was missing the "stuff" we did together, for example all the times WE went to dinner in the seaside town and window-shopped. But then, all of the events surrounding our breakup came to mind and I felt a resurgence of the white hot rage I felt the day I found out he cheated on me. What kind of sick selfish uncaring bastard treats someone they care about in this way? Friends treat friends better than he treated me. Selfish, selfish, selfish! There aren't words for the evil of betrayal. And I wind up back at the thought that he doesn't deserve any happiness with the stupid hooch...and really wishing for his choices and decisions to catch up with him. AKA karma. I can't tell right now if I'm just going in circles or if I am making progress of any kind.
Lovelybird Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I am sorry you are going through this. I knew how it felt. One thing I knew is that the more you picture him black, the more pain you feel. I don't know how it works that way, but it did to me no good. Maybe my bitterness and hatred toward that man went away because the moment I realized that he is human, he made mistakes, he isn't God, maybe his grown-up wasn't smooth, maybe someone treated him badly. I pitied him. then I began to see my own weakness, it was like a blinder fall off from me, and me stand on ground, not cloud. It was good feeling, strange, but true. Like I saw the real truth about him and about myself. It took long for me to realize this. but now I can go directly to God, ask Him to reveal to me, or simply give me grace to forgive, lots of time God didn't reveal to me how others did wrong, most of time he shows me where my weaknesses were, strangely that made me forgive quickly, because I realized how I am same as others, makes mistakes, sometimes made more Everyone is different, but I believe forgiveness is a start to heal yourself. Maybe we put too much expectations too much our own happiness on a human being, when they failed to please us, we rage. Maybe the key to happiness is to find a solid ground, a ground that don't shake, then build some other things on it
inulg Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Everyone is different, but I believe forgiveness is a start to heal yourself. Maybe we put too much expectations too much our own happiness on a human being, when they failed to please us, we rage. Maybe the key to happiness is to find a solid ground, a ground that don't shake, then build some other things on it i agree, Lovelybird, ive never been one to really hate hate for long periods of time my ex... it just... makes me feel so exhausted... its been much easier for me to just look at him as another human that made mistakes. That hopefully one day they will see the mess theyve made and maybe try to change. but for now, the relationship wasnt meant to be, and maybe your breakup saved you from a worse end (being with your ex and continuing to deal with someone so selfish as he)
carrotgirl Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 But then, all of the events surrounding our breakup came to mind and I felt a resurgence of the white hot rage I felt the day I found out he cheated on me. What kind of sick selfish uncaring bastard treats someone they care about in this way? Friends treat friends better than he treated me. Selfish, selfish, selfish! There aren't words for the evil of betrayal. .... I can't tell right now if I'm just going in circles or if I am making progress of any kind. SSG, why bother comparing him to friends? Strangers treat strangers better than he treated you. Your answer is B. You're making progress. {{{{Sunshine}}} Carrot
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Over the longer term yes, I hope I see him as just a damaged person who made mistakes. Eventually I hope to forgive him. I didnt' expect the rage to return. And it's receded already - I went climbing this morning and missed him, m i s s e d him as my climbing partner. I had to consciously remind myself that even if he was a great activity partner, I need more and he is completely inadequate for any of that other stuff I need. I tried to think/tell myself how damaged he is, how wounded he is. But that's not an excuse for disrespecting me so hurtfully! The pang of missing him struck pretty deep. I am missing all our new hampshire climbing days. Crap.
Recommended Posts