Ohio14inter Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Hey all, I've been dating a woman for 2+ years in college who I am crazy in love with, and my dilemma is this: I feel like I'm very much dependent on her and when we don't see each other and don't talk much I really really miss her NON stop. I'm a very insecure guy and I worry that if we were ever to break up, I wouldn't survive it. How do I become more of a confident guy. I want to be able to live my life without feeling completely attached to her. I don't want to sit at home missing her non stop (over the summer we don't get to see each other very often). Can someone help me out?
KinAZ Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 This is probably one of those "easier said than done" situations, but try to otherwise occupy yourself. I take it that her schedule is a little busier than yours? Even when you are in love, when you have other things to do/worry about/etc, your mind isn't on that other person as much. As far as general insecurity is concerned, I think the best thing would be to find the actual root of that insecurity.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 yeah she works a lot and i work too but not nearly as much. I've always been insecure because I was cheated on in a previous relationship. I'm always afraid of losing her for some reason and once I find a reason I dwell on it, which is a trait I HATE about myself! Haha. Like just this weekend; She's been gone for a few days for the holiday up to a family cottage, and I've hardly talked to her in the span she's been gone. I just want to be able to live my life and not focus on her/losing her 24 hours a day. Oh and she did invite me on this trip with her family, but I had already committed to another trip with a friend...which turned out to be canceled AFTER she had already left! Of course...
KinAZ Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Find something else to occupy your time, a class, or basketball at the Y. Get involved with something else. I don't mean knitting, if you're just not interested in that lol, but something you like doing. The next thing I'm thinking of is... Is there anything about her behavior that reminds you of this ex, or anything about your relationship that reminds you of your relationship with your ex? The only time I've personally worried about a repeat or anything was when I noticed similar patterns or traits. So, I was wondering if that might be the case for you as well. And then, the next question is whether you feel there is anything missing from the relationship? Something she's not doing enough of for you? For instance, is the time you spend together not enough of what you might call quality time or is there anything you feel she could do to make you feel more secure?
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 The next thing I'm thinking of is... Is there anything about her behavior that reminds you of this ex, or anything about your relationship that reminds you of your relationship with your ex? The only time I've personally worried about a repeat or anything was when I noticed similar patterns or traits. So, I was wondering if that might be the case for you as well. And then, the next question is whether you feel there is anything missing from the relationship? Something she's not doing enough of for you? For instance, is the time you spend together not enough of what you might call quality time or is there anything you feel she could do to make you feel more secure? No my relationship with her doesn't really remind me of my ex. I guess my insecurities come from her being a completely gorgeous woman and me not so much good looking haha, to be honest. I guess I just don't know how I've held on to this amazing woman for 2 years which is probably what I shouldn't be thinking... And as far as her not doing enough for me....In the first year or so we hung out a lot and went on many dates and talked a lot...and now she works 2-3 jobs a day sometimes, and is always tired so she goes to bed super early. I guess I'm just not used to that...we don't get to see/talk to each other half as much anymore, and she's always leaving my place early because she goes to bed early. And I also do a lot of things for her like put little surprises in her car and what not, but she doesn't really do those kind of things for me which is probably due to the fact that she's a lot busier than I am. This is nitpicking, but these things add up you know?
KinAZ Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Do you think that making the time you spend together a little more special in some way might help at all? I know that even that can be hard sometimes when you're tired, but there might be something you two can figure out. I'm not sure how deeply you would address this with her or in what manner, but a simple reminder (to yourself) of why she is with you might be the confidence booster you need. Not to say that looks are so important that they should ever cause another person to feel less than secure in a healthy relationship, but a reminder of your other good qualities. Our healthy relationships are based on a balance of things, so even if she is gorgeous, I'm sure she still finds you attractive (regardless of how you may view yourself, as we tend to focus on the things we don't like about ourselves, while others may be more focused on the things they like. If that makes sense to you.)
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Yeah I completely understand what you're saying. Without sounding conceited, I will say that I do have a good personality that fits hers very well and we have undeniable chemistry; as well as many of the same interests, so I suppose that is the reason. But it's hard to keep the confidence with all of the big college guys surrounding us that have the ideal body and look. It's also hard because I want her to continue on her path in school and work because it makes her happy, but at the same time I don't want to be left behind...Which is impossible to say to her because I don't want to sound needy and like I'm not happy for her.
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Do you think that her being in school has something to do with it then? Not just the men, but her growth? Are you in school, did you finish, or not finish? I would try focusing on the reasons she's with you, and remembering that such chemistry (no matter who hott a guy is on the outside) isn't an easy thing to find. And if you know that your woman isn't shallow, try to find comfort in understanding that she wouldn't toss you aside for a "pretty face." And then there is your own personal growth. Now, I'm not sure if you've finished school or not or are working in your field (or if she's post-grad), but you mentioned not wanting to be left behind. I would not recommend schooling or anything of that nature to impress or keep another person, but if it is becoming an issues for you, or something that is making you look at yourself, it might be something to consider. A friend of mine started to have issues similar to this not so long ago. She has her BA, but she had friends in school working on higher degrees, and it sort of made her feel out of the loop, so to speak. As if she wasn't doing all that she could or should be doing. While there was that social element to it, it wasn't the only thing behind her decision to go back to school. But if it is something that would make you happy in general, it is something to think about.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 We actually both go to the same college, we're both Juniors right now. She's way ahead of me in credits because she took college courses while in high school, therefore she will be graduating either a year or half year before me, and then is planning on going to graduate school away from the college we currently attend (2-3 hr difference). So, this is probably my last full year with her before the long distance relationship comes into play, and I'm worried how everything is going to play out...
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 OK, now we're getting somewhere. This may be something you would want to talk to her about, and would depend on the university she will be attending, but... have you considered transferring? Summer school? There's nothing wrong with LDRs, but I'm not a fan of them. They can work out beautifully, but I understand your discomfort. If I were in your shoes, this would be time for me to have a talk about our future. No pressure, of course, but just a clear understanding of what my mate wants and is expecting down the road. (I'm big on clarity.) So, if you haven't had the talk yet, now might be the time.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 OK, now we're getting somewhere. This may be something you would want to talk to her about, and would depend on the university she will be attending, but... have you considered transferring? Summer school? There's nothing wrong with LDRs, but I'm not a fan of them. They can work out beautifully, but I understand your discomfort. If I were in your shoes, this would be time for me to have a talk about our future. No pressure, of course, but just a clear understanding of what my mate wants and is expecting down the road. (I'm big on clarity.) So, if you haven't had the talk yet, now might be the time. Yeah I'm big on clarity too haha. I can't stand when feelings are kept in and you don't always know what the heck is going on in the other persons head. I've definitely thought about transferring, but it's a really hard decision to make because I feel like a puppet just following my girlfriend wherever she goes, and not thinking about my own future (jobwise) which is a turn-off to her. It's really hard because she's set on us focusing on our future careers and not getting too serious, which I'm kind of the opposite of. I want to stay in this serious relationship because I love every minute of the great times we have, so that's why it's difficult and I'm scared to have that talk with her... Like this weekend, I felt really bad for not going on that trip with her and I sort of dragged out my feelings because I was lonely all weekend without her (Yeah, I'm a very emotional guy unfortunately haha)...while she was out having fun with her family. I felt bad because we've been dating 2+ years and those are experiences I feel I should share with her. She sort of wrote it off when we talked today with a "Yeah it's done no biggie get over it" type of attitude...Why do I feel like I'm the girl in the relationship! Lol!
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I think it's the planets or something. I've often felt like I was the guy in the relationship, so it's nothing surprising to me. (Not trying to call you a sissy or anything, of course. hehe) But seriously, if she's more career minded then that, to me, sort of sets the tone of the relationship. Because the age ranges vary so much around here, I wasn't really sure when you first posted. Anywho, if your career is leading you in a different direction (one that wouldn't agree with you transferring schools), then by all means follow it. To me, it just sounded like you felt she was going off to do something "grand" and you might be left drawing lines in the sand or something. So, I'm guess you're about 21 then? If you've already talked about this matter, then you know where she stands, and what you need to do is fill up that extra space with your own plans and future. If you like clarity, and you're an emotional guy, then I do imagine that you've already expressed what you want to her? If so, it would seem that her mind isn't on the white picket fence just yet, and there really isn't a lot you can do to make it otherwise. Just be supportive, and go after your goals. If school itself isn't filling up that extra time, look for an internship in your field (if you haven't already) so that you're not channel surfing thinking about her, while she's out doing what she has to.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Yeah, I am 21. The main reason I'm scared is because I don't want us to drift. I feel that if we both go our own ways career wise and have little time for each other that the special spark will go out. I don't believe it will for me but I really don't know what will happen with her. I'm just trying my best to hold on to that love in the meantime and be a great boyfriend, which is sometimes difficult with the hundreds of emotions running through my head. By the way thanks so much for taking the time to help me with this. It really feels good just to get it all out there; it's nice to have someone that doesn't know me to vent to!... and I really appreciate it!
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Hey all, I've been dating a woman for 2+ years in college who I am crazy in love with, and my dilemma is this: I feel like I'm very much dependent on her and when we don't see each other and don't talk much I really really miss her NON stop. I'm a very insecure guy and I worry that if we were ever to break up, I wouldn't survive it. How do I become more of a confident guy. I want to be able to live my life without feeling completely attached to her. I don't want to sit at home missing her non stop (over the summer we don't get to see each other very often). Can someone help me out? See this is what is so hard about love. One thing might seem crazy and unreasonable (and it can be on some levels), but yet it is natural. You've been dating a woman for 2+ years, my friend, there are a lot of ties there. Very few would NOT expect you to have built some dependence on her and she on you. This is the whole purpose of a relationship. But, this does not mean it comes to a point where you cannot function or become crazed and possessive of your partner either. Again very few of us who think we are in a committed and/or serious relationship feel like we can survive or move on if we or when we breakup. Again, this is a NORMAL feeling, but now your actions if this should happen is what becomes the real concern. And if you two should breakup you have to feel those feelings. Go through that pain and that depression and the confusion and chaos. Only a cold person can instantly write off a person and then move on. Their has to be a period to mourn the death of a relationship... Especially if the feelings were true. I don't see a problem really with your confidence as oppose to your feeling of being too strongly attached to the woman you love. If you feel and think this is a problem or you have dealt with such issues before and with such strong emotions, talk to a counsellor, be open and honest with friends and family members, even be honest with your girlfriend. If this is a real issue, maybe some outside help will give you some good ideas of what you can do to ease some of those fears and your feelings of being too attached. Maybe there is something wrong or maybe there isn't, but a professional can help you determine that. DNR Also a little time away sometimes help one to come more into focus. You know take a month away from the relationship to find yourself again. This does not mean you have to date other people. But, take time for yourself where you two have NO CONTACT for a specified period. This means, no email, no phone calls, no posts or looking at each other's social network pages, etc. This might even mean each of you removing photos and personal belongings of each other. Or moving out for a period if you two live together and accommodations can be made for you. Whatever you need to do. And if it is true love, it will survive and you may find your relationship stronger than ever.
johan Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 First and most important, remember this: your insecurities are your problem, not hers. I don't mean that you're flawed. I mean that you can't look to her as the cause nor as the solution. And as you've probably already realized, there's nothing she can do anyway. She could paint herself onto you, and you'd still feel uneasy. As someone else said, this is easier said than done. But you have to look inside yourself to see what it is you're so afraid of. And you have to ask yourself why you're so afraid of those things. Then you need to dig and rationalize and keep peeling the onion until you've gotten to the core of the issue. And then you need to take responsibility for it and make sure that you put her into a position of having to deal with your insecurities as little as possible. Self knowledge is critical to being a man. The less of it you have, the more of a boy you'll be. And there are plenty of 40- and 50-year-old boys out there proving me right.
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Yeah, I am 21. The main reason I'm scared is because I don't want us to drift. I feel that if we both go our own ways career wise and have little time for each other that the special spark will go out. I don't believe it will for me but I really don't know what will happen with her. I'm just trying my best to hold on to that love in the meantime and be a great boyfriend, which is sometimes difficult with the hundreds of emotions running through my head. By the way thanks so much for taking the time to help me with this. It really feels good just to get it all out there; it's nice to have someone that doesn't know me to vent to!... and I really appreciate it! Oh, no prob. But I think other activities might help the matter. (And if you haven't started an internship yet, jump on it. Not only is it something to do, it can come in handy when you graduate! A great thing to have in your corner!) Since I am a stranger, it may not seem like I know what you're saying, but I know that feeling. For me, when things just picked up or I just diverted my attention else where, when I stopped trying to stop thinking about something, I just... naturally stopped. If that makes sense. At the risk of taking this deeper than it needs to go, are you concerned because you seem to be more emotional about it than she is? DNR makes a good point about love standing the test of time. Let's just say that you focus on your schooling and your future, and she on hers, and while there may be distance between the two of you, that connection is still there. That level of dependency that DNR mentioned, well... as a current student, lol and knowing the stress of it all, while time in one another's presence may be limited, that doesn't erase that need for comforting and support. In other words, just because she can't look at you as much doesn't mean that she won't need you as much. In fact, depending on her situation, she could need you more. Before I went back to school, I ended a relationship because the guy was stressing me out. (I was going through a lot and needed more support than requests.) BUT, I ran right back to him because... he offered a comfort that I couldn't get anywhere else. It wasn't JUST the comfort, but considering the time I was having, I did feel that I needed him back in my life. Not to imply or suggest that she'll do what I did, just to emphasis that relationships offer a lot more than just seeing one another, or sleeping with one another. New friends and associates at school can only offer so much.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 I know it's not her problem that I'm insecure, I'm just trying to find ways to not be that way... I do feel like I'm too attached to her. I love her but I don't want to feel so dependent on her. What ways can I change this?
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 So Kin, you're just saying to just absolutely stop thinking about her and focus on other things? I try to do that by just watching TV shows haha. Some shows are good at taking my mind off of reality which is what I need many days... I want us to be able to focus on our career pathways, but I want to do it in a manner where I don't miss her constantly yet we're able to still talk/hang out (less frequently of course).
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 LOL I just told you, get involved! It's not going to make you stop loving her or wanting her, but it will help to put your mind on other things.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 yeah I suppose...Like I said I just want to be able to focus on myself and my relationship equally and not so one sided towards her.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 My last question is this: What the heck do women find attractive? What are they looking for in this type of a relationship or just a relationship period for that matter?
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Everyone likes different things... But I think the most attractive thing to most women is confidence (I think that's how some of us end up with conceited jerks... getting confidence and conceit confused). Some would rather a guy who leaned a little more towards conceit, while other would rather the strong silent type. It really does vary. The other things, just from my findings, most women like a man who could take care of her, who she could depend on. Not FOR him to take care of her, but simply that ability. I don't mean that he's making 250,000 a year (though there's nothing wrong with that either), but we like a guy who can change a tire, lift the a/c into the window, who ISN'T afraid of stoves and mops. Cool enough to handle crisis, sensible but not controlling. That doesn't mean that we expect him to be superman, but at least among my friends, we do appreciate a man who has that independence. On the other hand, there is something cute about a guy who can't sew a button on his shirt to me, and it makes my maternal nature kick in. But for my friends who can't sew, they just realize all missing buttons will have to go to a dry cleaner. I think a lot of that has to do with how well acquainted one is with domestic work. It's comforting to know that he knows what the Comet is for, somewhere in the back of our minds. Not only is he able to use it himself from time to time, but he also wouldn't get it mixed up with the baby powder. But, at age 21, our main concern was attraction and good conversation. A car was always great, and his own place was a bonus. Had to have a job/in school, and for him to actually be goal oriented and motivated was just the icing on the cake. (A rare treat.)
Trialbyfire Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 My last question is this: What the heck do women find attractive? What are they looking for in this type of a relationship or just a relationship period for that matter? It varies per individual. Gender aside, peoples' wants v. needs can be miles apart.
Author Ohio14inter Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Everyone likes different things... But I think the most attractive thing to most women is confidence (I think that's how some of us end up with conceited jerks... getting confidence and conceit confused). Some would rather a guy who leaned a little more towards conceit, while other would rather the strong silent type. It really does vary. The other things, just from my findings, most women like a man who could take care of her, who she could depend on. Not FOR him to take care of her, but simply that ability. I don't mean that he's making 250,000 a year (though there's nothing wrong with that either), but we like a guy who can change a tire, lift the a/c into the window, who ISN'T afraid of stoves and mops. Cool enough to handle crisis, sensible but not controlling. That doesn't mean that we expect him to be superman, but at least among my friends, we do appreciate a man who has that independence. On the other hand, there is something cute about a guy who can't sew a button on his shirt to me, and it makes my maternal nature kick in. But for my friends who can't sew, they just realize all missing buttons will have to go to a dry cleaner. I think a lot of that has to do with how well acquainted one is with domestic work. It's comforting to know that he knows what the Comet is for, somewhere in the back of our minds. Not only is he able to use it himself from time to time, but he also wouldn't get it mixed up with the baby powder. But, at age 21, our main concern was attraction and good conversation. A car was always great, and his own place was a bonus. Had to have a job/in school, and for him to actually be goal oriented and motivated was just the icing on the cake. (A rare treat.) This is VERY useful information thank you! Confidence has always been a problem for me because I view her as far superior to me so like I said before, I'm always thinking "Wow I don't know how I'm still with this amazing girl," so that is always in the back of my mind and I don't want it to be. I've pretty much put her high on a pedestal. I think she's really big into me being goal oriented as well and I need to really work on that (I have a good plan but I need to pursue it harder). But yeah, the confidence thing is big for me and I'm looking for ways to improve on it...
johan Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 LOL I just told you, get involved! It's not going to make you stop loving her or wanting her, but it will help to put your mind on other things. This is a fine strategy for distraction and forgetting the problem temporarily. But it's not going to fix this: Confidence has always been a problem for me because I view her as far superior to me Or this: I've pretty much put her high on a pedestal. When the TV show or game ends or whatever it is you're doing is done, you're going to continue seeing her as superior and on a pedestal. I think you should dig deeper than just "find something to get your mind off of it."
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