i don't want to stop seeing him, but i should

[pandagirl]

Hey guys. I’ve written about this before and I think I know the answer, but it’s not the answer I want. I need some advice/encouragement.

 

The guy I was seeing whom I told about the herpes thing and who eventually broke it off with me, is still around. We’ve “not been dating” for a month and been hanging out regularly, except now he invites me out with his friends instead on proper dates. We see each other about twice a week.

 

A part of me is really happy about this. He is making a big effort to be my friend and I enjoy the company of him (and his friends) A LOT. And I’m sure he feels the same way about my friends and I. We have a genuine connection, romantic or not. We just *get* each other.

 

However, I’m scared. I still have feelings for him, they’re under control, but I think if I keep on seeing him, it might get worse. I’m almost 100% sure he still has feeling for me, just by the way I always catch him staring at me or looking at me in a certain way or wanting to sit next to me all the time. He broke up with me basically because he is “wife shopping” and says I’m not “the one,” and though I accept that, I can’t help but not like him as more than just a friend. Good chemistry + physical attraction = romantic interest! I can't help it!

 

How long can this “Friendship” last until I get hurt? I know I need to probably just stop seeing him, but I truly don’t want to lose him from my life. I have very seldom met people, male or female, that I like so much and can talk to for hours on end with. We are quickly becoming really good friends. I’ve only known him two months, and the more time we spend together, the more I like him as a person.

 

How can I best navigate this territory without getting hurt and still able to be friends with him?

 

Possible?

[Balthazar]

This situation is not easy to navigate Pandagirl.

You say that you appreciate and want him for a friend, as does he.

This may very well be true, yet at the same you time you acknowledge the lingering feelings of romantic attraction.

 

I am sure you fully understand that these feelings will only become stronger as long as you are around him.

 

Furthermore, what will happen when he gets a girlfriend?

 

How will you react to such a situation?

 

I understand you have chemistry with this person, but I have a feeling you are just setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

 

Sill, I guess there is always the chance that your budding friendship may blossom into something more...

 

Good Luck,

[soulseeker]

You cant. You have feelings for him. He told you that you are not the one. It sounds like he enjoys your company, but as soon as "the one" comes along, he's going to say bye-bye to you. And he wont feel bad about it either, because he told you that you are not the one. No need for bad feelings, just dont waste time on this guy.

 

And personally, since he already spelled it out for you, I wouldnt waste my time hoping for that to change.

[jerbear]

Hey Pandagirl,

 

You are now one of the guys.

 

I am NOT giving you any hopes however for a guy... I'll give it as I see it. At best you'll into the FWB zone but really never back to dating.

 

I would suggest moving on at a faster pace than you are now.

 

Hanging out with the guys is really not dating, it is not even a 1-1 interaction.

 

I have been on the other end of this and it was not pretty, jealousy envelopes one and you'll most likely get heartbreak.

 

Also, being around him will only intensify the feelings you have for him and detract from those around you who might otherwise fit the BF profile.

[pandagirl]

I know. I've honestly been thinking I just need to end it with him, but I genuinely like him as a person and the thought of giving up this potential great friendship hurts more than when he broke-up with me.

 

I guess my fear is that if we take some time off and not see each other for awhile, that we will just disappear from each other's lives.

 

I am not the one. I am not hoping that by hanging out with him that he will change his mind. I'm old enough to know that you can't changed people's minds nor do I have the power to do that. The thing is, when he broke up with me he said something like, "It's not that I don't like you or have feelings for you, it's just that you aren't the one." I *know* that he does genuinely like me and still has feelings for me, but just doesn't think he will fall in love with me. I'm not in love with him, but I can't help but have these feelings.

 

It makes me sad that it seems like a lose-lose situations.

[lemony fresh]

I think you need to take a clean break from this guy. I feel he isn't being fair to you and leading you on.

[zicke]

He won't change his mind. I am sorry to say, the man just doesn't think you are it. Not that there is anything fundamentally wrong with you. I think you are hanging on cos he is the first guy to accept you after your herpes deal.

 

You do deserve better, and you will find it. It is just not with him. Herpes is not such a huge deal, and there is a guy out there, who will accept it, and will chase you and will be there for you.

 

This guy is getting his ego stroked, and you have low self esteem right now, so of course you are going to lap it up. You deserve better. Believe it.

[pandagirl]

I don't have low esteem! And I'm not worried about the herpes thing. We truly have a connection that is based on getting along and having fun together.

 

But, I agree that he is somewhat leading me on, though I don't think he's doing it on purpose. He LIKES me. I know that. He tells me I am the coolest girl he's ever met and that he thinks I am awesome and beautiful and all that other crap. He is very attracted to me, et al. But I am not The One. That is fine, because it's not like we were going to get married, but at the same time, I can't help but have feelings for him.

 

Clean break. That seems like the solution, though I don't want it to be!!!

[lemony fresh]

You never know, if you suddenly disappear, you might actually be "the one." Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[KinAZ]

I've had friends hang in there with the hopes of me one day changing my mind. And as already mentioned above, when I started dating, they could not deal with it properly. One friend managed to remain a close friend, with speckled periods because of my other relationships. Although I managed to be there for him through many things, when I had relationship problems, I actually had to listen to his emotions about them. Everyone is different, of course, but I think that's a valid point.

 

Once again, everyone is different, and I don't mean to say anything to give you a false hope, BUT, depending on your age group and many other factors, men (in my experience) aren't the same way with friendships as women. The only exception that I've found is when a man REALLY needs the support that she is offering. In terms of... he just can't get it anywhere else. Otherwise, I've found the friendship or even reaching out to be a level of interest, even if uncertain interest.

 

That doesn't mean that I think this guy will come around, or that I think you should wait for him to change his mind. I honestly believe that if your emotions are such that you can't just be friends with him, then you really should stop hanging around him. If he does happen to change his mind, he will more than likely let you know.

 

As risky as it may sound (especially to someone like me, even though I'm the one suggesting it) telling him why you just can't be friends might be the better deal as far as clarity is concerned. He might not say anything right away, but if he called you in the future, he would call knowing your feelings.

[pandagirl]

It'd be foolish of me to be his friend in hopes of being "the one." That isn't even the problem. I'm just not sure as to how to navigate my feelings without getting hurt.

 

KinAZ, we're both 30. He is divorced. He has set checklist of everything he wants his next wife to be, in terms of how he should feel and what she should be like. I just don't match up to a couple of his "standards."

 

I WANT to be just friends with him, but I can't ignore my feelings, and the more I get to know him, the more I like him, which is just a slippery slope to me getting hurt.

 

I do agree that men don't keep women around as friend at this age. I know he has feelings for me, but they're just not BIG enough for him to consider me LTR material (even though we only dated one month before he decided that).

 

I don't except us to rekindle a relationship, that isn't even my "goal." I just want to him to be in my life without it being emotionally complicated. : (

[lemony fresh]

Nope, don't tell him why you can't be friends. Then you're just further feeding his ego that he "has" you and he can manipulate you futher in the future.

Nope, just stop hanging out, be like you have other things going in your life, just can't 'hang' anymore. Having a "talk" about it just puts you in a more vulnerable position, you'll just hear him say again condescending remarks "You're a great woman, beautiful, perfect in every way....BUT..." I personally wouldn't want to hear that stuff, because if I really was that great to him, I would be the ONE, wouldn't I???

 

Ha.

[KinAZ]

Nope, don't tell him why you can't be friends. Then you're just further feeding his ego that he "has" you and he can manipulate you futher in the future.

Nope, just stop hanging out, be like you have other things going in your life, just can't 'hang' anymore. Having a "talk" about it just puts you in a more vulnerable position, you'll just hear him say again condescending remarks "You're a great woman, beautiful, perfect in every way....BUT..." I personally wouldn't want to hear that stuff, because if I really was that great to him, I would be the ONE, wouldn't I???

 

Ha.

 

Sure, being emotionally guarded is one way to deal with matters, but sometimes it just doesn't get you what you want (assuming she wanted to be a little more than friends with this man). And, I do assume that she's mature enough to handle the matter without this man taking her for a ride just because she said "Look, I really do enjoy hanging out with you, but my feelings are such that I can't." or however one might put it. Not some long drawn out declaration of love, but just letting him know, very simply, that she's breaking ties because of her feelings.

 

Nevertheless, she does sound like she is wanting his friendship at least, and not necessarily a romantic involvement.

 

So, considering that, I think the best thing would be to remove yourself from the situation. It could very well be that with time you get to know him even better and start to like him less (as that does happen as well), but personally, I wouldn't risk it. If I happened to be more emotionally involved than I should, I would drop back.

[jerbear]

I WANT to be just friends with him, but I can't ignore my feelings, and the more I get to know him, the more I like him, which is just a slippery slope to me getting hurt.

 

You're already on a slippery slope.

 

You can not be friends with someone you have interests in.

[Star Gazer]

You're already on a slippery slope.

 

You can not be friends with someone you have interests in.

 

I agree.

 

To continue seeing this guy would be masochistic.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Soon enough he will meet the girl that he will feel is "The One". And trust me, you don't want to hang around for that.

[pandagirl]

Agreed. I don't want to be around when he gets a new girlfriend.

 

I really wish things were different...I like him SO MUCH as a person. We laugh so much together and understand each other so well. I don't want to have these feelings for him, but I do, and I have to be smart about this and protect my feelings.

 

I'm just REALLY going to miss him and our conversations. And I'm not going to lie, a part of me is angry at him for not giving us a chance. I don't know how he can't see it.

[Jilly Bean]

Hey, PG.

 

When you wrote on your other thread that you slept with him and had NO feelings towards him, even when he dumped you before you had sex, I challenged you on it. I remember a few people jumped on me and defended your position that you really DIDN'T have feelings towards him, and it were merely about you wanting to get laid. I just didn't believe that you were so unemotional and detached.

 

So, thank you for finally being honest with your feelings...

 

My advice hasn't changed, PG. You need to remove this man from your life. I think he has taken advantage of your vulnerabilities and has manipulated a great situation for himself. Plus the fact, I think he's pretty FOS. I mean, who tells a woman, you're amazing, I am so hot for you, we have incredible sex, I love everything about you, but oh yeah, you're not the one. What he has done is build your ego up with sufficient sweet-nothings to keep you engaged and on the hook, but also master-minded it so he has an out as soon as he finds someone he wants to legitimately date.

 

Personally, I think he's a royal ahole, and a player to boot.

 

When he told you he didn't want to date you, but found you hot and wanted to have sex with you, you should have booted him out right there. I think sleeping with him sent him the message of a less than stellar self-esteem, and he took full advantage of that, and continues to. It was exceptionally disrespectful, IMO, and I would be totally turned off and disgusted by any guy who find me perfect to fu*k, but not good enough to date. Pfft.

 

Lose him, PG. You are SO much better than him.

 

This relationship has been, and will continue to be, leading towards a dead-end that will only leave you hurt.

 

Next go around, hold out for a guy who values, respects and desires ALL of you, instead of giving up little pieces to keep him around.

[Trialbyfire]

Another vote for playah but then, it's no secret what I think he is and how you feel v. what you're expressing.

 

You can't reel someone in who doesn't want to be reeled in. He's leading you around by the nose ring. Get out before it gets worse.

[torranceshipman]

'And I'm not going to lie, a part of me is angry at him for not giving us a chance. I don't know how he can't see it.'

 

That does sound slightly obsessive...clearly he 'can't see it' cause he isn't really that into you. He's already said you're not the one, you've tried dating and it didn't work out, he shows no sign that he felt he made a mistake in splitting up with you...so respect they way he feels, go NC with the friendship for a while and try to move on. I know its hard, but its best to face up to reality.

 

Good luck!

[lemony fresh]

. And I'm not going to lie, a part of me is angry at him for not giving us a chance. I don't know how he can't see it.

 

That is specifically the reason why you have to cut off contact completely, just disappear and not be around when he calls to hang out or whatever.

He may start missing you and realizing that you ARE the one. But after that you're always going to have to play games to keep him interested and I don't know if it would be worth it.

 

I just read Jilly Bean's last post and will have to defer to that; I agree.

[BlueEyed]

You cant. You have feelings for him. He told you that you are not the one. It sounds like he enjoys your company, but as soon as "the one" comes along, he's going to say bye-bye to you. And he wont feel bad about it either, because he told you that you are not the one. No need for bad feelings, just dont waste time on this guy.

 

And personally, since he already spelled it out for you, I wouldnt waste my time hoping for that to change.

 

 

 

Have to say I agree.

 

 

BE~

[pandagirl]

Hey, PG.

 

When you wrote on your other thread that you slept with him and had NO feelings towards him, even when he dumped you before you had sex, I challenged you on it. I remember a few people jumped on me and defended your position that you really DIDN'T have feelings towards him, and it were merely about you wanting to get laid. I just didn't believe that you were so unemotional and detached.

 

So, thank you for finally being honest with your feelings...

 

My advice hasn't changed, PG. You need to remove this man from your life. I think he has taken advantage of your vulnerabilities and has manipulated a great situation for himself. Plus the fact, I think he's pretty FOS. I mean, who tells a woman, you're amazing, I am so hot for you, we have incredible sex, I love everything about you, but oh yeah, you're not the one. What he has done is build your ego up with sufficient sweet-nothings to keep you engaged and on the hook, but also master-minded it so he has an out as soon as he finds someone he wants to legitimately date.

 

Personally, I think he's a royal ahole, and a player to boot.

 

When he told you he didn't want to date you, but found you hot and wanted to have sex with you, you should have booted him out right there. I think sleeping with him sent him the message of a less than stellar self-esteem, and he took full advantage of that, and continues to. It was exceptionally disrespectful, IMO, and I would be totally turned off and disgusted by any guy who find me perfect to fu*k, but not good enough to date. Pfft.

 

Lose him, PG. You are SO much better than him.

 

This relationship has been, and will continue to be, leading towards a dead-end that will only leave you hurt.

 

Next go around, hold out for a guy who values, respects and desires ALL of you, instead of giving up little pieces to keep him around.

 

I'm definitely not an unemotional and detached person -- quite the opposite, but i will say that at the time we had sex, I wasn't emotionally attached to him. These feelings I've been developing for him have come as a consequence of hanging out with him more and getting to know him better. I agree that he is getting his cake and eating it, too, but I will also say that he isn't an ******* jerk.

 

I am going to tell him we can't hang out anymore. He will respect my decision. As for him not thinking I'm not "the one," that's just a bucket of BS, but I also don't think he's feeding me lines to. He's not a sleazebag, he's just an idiot.

 

Something I am concerned about is that this seems to be a pattern for me. I date guys, I'm guarded, they break it off with me, but they think I'm so "cool" and "amazing" that they want to keep me around. Then I eventually start ignoring them, and they come crawling back, though I'm not interested in them by the time that comes around.

 

Maybe there is something wrong with me...

[lemony fresh]

No, there's nothing wrong with you but I would examine how you treated these guys when you started dating them. Did you give them too much too soon? Not sexually, I mean emotionally?

 

When you say you have been hanging out, does that mean you have been continuing to sleep with him? I just noticed that you put "he's having his cake and eating it, too."

[pandagirl]

No, there's nothing wrong with you but I would examine how you treated these guys when you started dating them. Did you give them too much too soon? Not sexually, I mean emotionally?

 

When you say you have been hanging out, does that mean you have been continuing to sleep with him? I just noticed that you put "he's having his cake and eating it, too."

 

When I first start dating guys, I am very cerebral and thinky, that perhaps makes me seem unavailable.

 

Since we've been hanging out as "friends" -- which has been about 5 or 6 times -- we've slept together once. However, on other occasions, I have been drunk and we've made out, although he has tried to resist.

 

It's not so much the physical stuff that is making me attached, it's more of his other actions: I'll catch him looking at me in a crowd, or he'll always sit next to me, or he'll find a way to touch me, he introduces me to his close friends, or like when I left to go out of town this weekend, he asked me: "When will you be back?"

 

Anyway, what I meant by "having his cake and eating it too" is he gets to enjoy my company and friendship, without having to date me. Really, we have the best time together. We make each other laugh!