Boinga Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I need help. My wife and I have been married for five years. Looking back on it, we probably rushed into marriage--we were both 23 at the time--but we were madly in love, and it seemed like the right choice. Our problems really began shortly afterwards. To be honest, I haven't really been happy for the last three or years, although I never really attributed this to my relationship. Until now. Last night, she suggested that she is not satisfied with our relationship. She insists that she still loves me -- and she's dedicated to making it work -- but now I'm so angry that I'm not sure if I want to stick with it. She listed a set of "grievances," which are basically the perennial issues of our relationship. Here is her list: (1) My debt I have a humanities / liberal arts degree. I have never had a desire to make loads of cash; I've always just wanted to be satisfied with my career choices. As such, I went back to graduate school with the goal of someday becoming a college professor. I'm now fairly close to achieving that dream (almost three years from finishing my PhD), but the road of a humanities graduate student is always emotionally turbulent -- it's very hard work, and you rarely make enough money while you are going through school; my assistantship pays for my degree, but my stipend doesn't pay for much more than living expenses. In addition, once I finish with my degree, I will need to find a job in the extremely tight humanities job market, although my field is a little more successful than some. My wife has a much more stable career and makes a little more money. Throughout our marriage, she has always been worried about our financial situation, and -- this is rather strange, but true -- our finances are still separate (separate bank accounts, separate bills, separate everything). She also is rather critical of the 11K of student loans that I amassed as a undergraduate, which makes me fairly angry; she had a free ride at her university, while I had to work my way through college (for the first two years, I worked 35 hours/week at a difficult job in order to pay for tuition and books, and I was able to pay for all my schooling until my last year). Before I met my wife, I felt like I had done a good job handling my finances as an undergraduate (I went entire months eating nothing but cans of baked beans in order to finance my education). Since then, I've been a little less responsible, and I've managed to acquire 3K in credit card debt. Nevertheless, I live much more frugally than my wife, who spends oodles of cash on everything from video games to role playing books. (2) My slobbiness I'm a slob. I've always been a slob, and it's been a habit that I've found hard to crack. So this is a big deal, and I need to fix it. At the same time, when we have conversations about this problem, I always feel like she is exempting herself from responsibility. I might be a slob, but she's not perfect on this issue -- in fact, I would say that she equally contributes to the problem. (3) My bad eating habits I'm a stress eater. Over the last three years, I've gained a considerable amount of weight. I've always had weight problems, and I actually lost a great deal of weight at the beginning of her marriage. Now -- this is not what bothers her -- she still seems to find me physically attractive despite my weight gain. Rather, she's upset because she claims we "reinforce each other's bad eating habits." See -- she's ALSO gained about 20-30 pounds over the last couple years. I feel like I'm being blamed for this, even if she constantly says, "We're reinforcing each other's bad eating habits." What kind of crap is that? Doesn't that seem to indicate that I'm the cause of her bad habits? So, she lays all this on me, and I thought our relationship was just fine (like I said, I've been happy the last few months). At first, I was really depressed. Now, I'm just PISSED OFF. I look back at the last five years and all the sacrifices that I made (and all of HER faults, which I just forgive and overlook). I'm a really laid back guy. I forgive easily, and I don't dwell on things. So, for example, a couple years ago, she applied for a job in a state fifty cabrillion years from our current home. At the time, if she had gotten the job, I wouldn't have been able to leave my current situation; I had just got accepted into a doctoral program in our home state. But she went ahead and applied anyway. If she had gotten the job, it probably would have ended our relationship! But I just waited and waited, and when she didn't get the position, I even COMFORTED HER! What a bunch of crap! I could continue listing similar issues. It feels like I've been naive and stupid these last five years; I haven't been noticing the signs that our marriage was in trouble. How can I stop being so ANGRY? Help me out! I constantly alternate between being mad and depressed! Looking back on it, I feel like I have been depressed because I have been trying to live up to her expectations; I've always had the suspicion that she thinks I'm a massive loser, even though she's never expressed it. She says I changed after we got married (I had some trouble getting a job, and she says that it completely changed my outlook on life). Maybe that's true, but how can I be expected to just like I was as a cocky 21 year old? Don't we realize that life is more difficult than we expected at some point? Thanks, Boinga
PandorasBox Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Since she made you list of things that bother her about you, do you have a list you can give her? I would say give her a list of three things you really like about her and, see if she can do the same, instead of her just focusing on the negative things.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I agree with Pandora partially. I agree that YOU BOTH need to make a list and work on some of these issues. And yes a list of what you love about her IS good, but what is more important are the things that get on you nerves about her. Why? It is easy to love someone when they are everything you want to be. It is easy to love them when they are taking out the trash and having dinner on the table when you get it. But, the true test is not can you love them when they are walking in the light, it is can you love them when they are NOT everything you expected they were. Can you put up with the fact she might not clean and fold the close the way you like. Can she put up with the fact that you have a stubborn streak. Are you willing to tell her you love her after she called you ever name under the book. Is she going to have your back even though you are a stress eater? Marriage is NEVER, EVER going to be all rosy and bright. As a matter of fact, it is believe the more hurdles you clear and the length of time you stay together through the bad times. The more of a chance your marriage has of surviving. But, it is going to take effort. It is going to take weathering the storms that comes from outside and within the marriage. It is going to take faith, communication, compromise, and submission on both of your parts to see yourselves through to your vows. So, be of good cheer and fight. I pray for the both of you. DNR
FlyingToaster Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I can understand that you are angry right now. I know there have been times when my H has said things that upset me and all I can do for the couple days afterwards is dwell on his faults. I get pretty ticked off, but giving things time helps me to put things in perspective. Here are some suggestions: Give yourself some time to absorb all of this. I've found that whenever my H has rattled off things that bother him, I go through a range of emotions; I'm shocked, sad, angry, in denial, finding excuses, etc. Once you've gone through those, take some time to seriously look at yourself. Be honest. If she has some valid points, accept that and decide whether or not these are things you feel you can work on. I think that you should also list some grievances that you have with your W. If she's a reasonable person, she can't possibly think that you don't have any problems with the things that she does. Give her time to absorb that and then get together and talk these things over. It's going to be a compromise so you both should figure out what you're willing to tolerate of each other, and what you're willing to work on yourself. At least your W made a list. Quite often when asked what's wrong, people have a tendency to say they don't know. Instead of racking your brains trying to read her mind, she's giving you something to work with. Take Care
michelangelo Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 she should not be giving you crap for pursuing the phd and teaching career! You both need improvements in your lives, for sure. However, keeping the finances separate is keeping you two not as a couple sharing your goals as one. If the genders were reversed? She'd darn well expect you to support her while in grad school. so she has a better job, what's up with paying for role playing crap instead of paying down the credit? OK, you did a stupid thing charging up the card with no way to pay it down. Oh wait, the shared finances of a shared life could make it happen! and blaming you for getting fat? Um, hello? Did you tie her down while she ate? Own your own obesity, she can own hers.
SunnySideUp Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 (1) My debt I have a humanities / liberal arts degree. I have never had a desire to make loads of cash; I've always just wanted to be satisfied with my career choices. As such, I went back to graduate school with the goal of someday becoming a college professor. I'm now fairly close to achieving that dream (almost three years from finishing my PhD), but the road of a humanities graduate student is always emotionally turbulent -- it's very hard work, and you rarely make enough money while you are going through school; my assistantship pays for my degree, but my stipend doesn't pay for much more than living expenses. In addition, once I finish with my degree, I will need to find a job in the extremely tight humanities job market, although my field is a little more successful than some. My wife has a much more stable career and makes a little more money. Throughout our marriage, she has always been worried about our financial situation, and -- this is rather strange, but true -- our finances are still separate (separate bank accounts, separate bills, separate everything). She also is rather critical of the 11K of student loans that I amassed as a undergraduate, which makes me fairly angry; she had a free ride at her university, while I had to work my way through college (for the first two years, I worked 35 hours/week at a difficult job in order to pay for tuition and books, and I was able to pay for all my schooling until my last year). Before I met my wife, I felt like I had done a good job handling my finances as an undergraduate (I went entire months eating nothing but cans of baked beans in order to finance my education). Since then, I've been a little less responsible, and I've managed to acquire 3K in credit card debt. Nevertheless, I live much more frugally than my wife, who spends oodles of cash on everything from video games to role playing books. Maybe you can remind your wife that your situation will probably work out better than if you didn't go to college at all and had to find a minimum wage job instead. My husband of almost 3 years is just now working on a degree, and I'm thrilled. It is near impossible to live on a laborer's salary. Life is hard. What does she expect? I've racked up close to $50k in student loans putting myself through school for two degrees, and I'm a stay at home mom now. You never know how things are going to work out. (2) My slobbiness I'm a slob. I've always been a slob, and it's been a habit that I've found hard to crack. So this is a big deal, and I need to fix it. At the same time, when we have conversations about this problem, I always feel like she is exempting herself from responsibility. I might be a slob, but she's not perfect on this issue -- in fact, I would say that she equally contributes to the problem. So she knew about this before you two were married? She can't expect you to change just because you're married now. (3) My bad eating habits I'm a stress eater. Over the last three years, I've gained a considerable amount of weight. I've always had weight problems, and I actually lost a great deal of weight at the beginning of her marriage. Now -- this is not what bothers her -- she still seems to find me physically attractive despite my weight gain. Rather, she's upset because she claims we "reinforce each other's bad eating habits." See -- she's ALSO gained about 20-30 pounds over the last couple years. I feel like I'm being blamed for this, even if she constantly says, "We're reinforcing each other's bad eating habits." What kind of crap is that? Doesn't that seem to indicate that I'm the cause of her bad habits? not necessarily...some couples bring out the best in each other and help each other grow, and some couples just tear each other apart and self-destruct...maybe you two are that last kind of couple, if you're both not dedicated to working out the kinks. So, she lays all this on me, and I thought our relationship was just fine (like I said, I've been happy the last few months). At first, I was really depressed. Now, I'm just PISSED OFF. I don't blame you. It's hard not to react strongly when someone makes a list of all these problems they have with you. It's just tactless. I strongly suggest you two see a marriage counselor. I think if you're still together there's still hope, even if there has been trouble brewing for a while. It's worth a shot at least, even if it ends in divorce. Just be humble and accept whatever help you can get. If it doesn't work out, you can move on and know you tried your hardest.
impaky Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I'm so sorry, I can sympathize with you in regards to the "list" I have done everything to make my husband feel wanted and happy and he still has complaints over complaints about me. If you don't have kids and you are not happy, leave, I have children unfortunately and although i love them more than life itself I do regret having children with my husband because I lost the ability to just leave.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 It's still possible to make it without him impaky, don't stay for the sake of the kids, that just makes it worse because they can pick up on both of your unhappyness.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Until now. Last night, she suggested that she is not satisfied with our relationship. She insists that she still loves me -- and she's dedicated to making it work -- but now I'm so angry that I'm not sure if I want to stick with it. Since I'm assuming that you don't think that it's wrong of her to have concerns about your marriage (a natural part of any ongoing relationship, eh?), how would you prefer that she'd have presented them to you? In your mind, would it be better for her to have kept quiet? Mr. Lucky
luvstarved Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I don't really see where your wife "attacked" you so I am not sure why you are so angry. I think she probably did the right thing by coming to you with the things that bother her...of course, you are free to do the same. This is how people communicate and hopefully come to mutual understanding eventually. Here's the thing. No relationship is perfect. No relationship is effortless. When someone comes to you with complaints...the response should be to open your mind to what they are saying, be honest with yourself, and acknowledge what rings true for you. Then, you consider what you can and are willing to work on, and what you are not. The other party has to decide what they are willing to accept and what they are not. For example, you acknowledge that you are a slob. You could make a concentrated effort to be less of a slob. But maybe you think that is too much to ask and it is not worth the effort it would take for you to do that, and you are willing to risk losing your marriage in order to preserve your slobbiness. That's your choice. Then, you tell your wife that you were born a slob, and will die a slob and that she cannot expect any change in that area. That's when her choice comes into play. She has to then decide whether she is willing to accept living with your slobbiness in order to preserve the marriage or whether she is willing to leave the marriage in order to get away from the slobbiness. It is all about compromise and trade-offs. Maybe you can bend and try to be less of a slob and she can live with an improvement that is less than ideal, but enough. The only reason to ever stay in any situation is because it is worth the cost. There's always a cost. You have an absolute right to be yourself and not make any changes whatsoever. But your wife has an equal right to decide not to live with that. You just need to figure out what is important to you and proceed accordingly.
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