MILLY2007 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]We have been married 20 years . 7 years into our marriage, he was unemployed and went abroad pretending it was for a job but it was to be with another woman for a few weeks.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I felt suicidal and when he came back, I was ill with non-malignant tumours and can no longer have children, despite several operations from a dedicated surgeon. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]He didn’t want to adopt and so we have no children. Then he got a job, after about 10 years of unemployment. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I was working 7 days a week to build my career and was not easy to live with. I was trying to make our lives move on from the unemployment and hard times. (I am now highly successful in my field and am able to also help other less fortunate people, as does my husband) I nagged him a lot , which I never do now. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]So, as I was not supportive of him, he started an affair with another woman abroad and they eventually engaged in a (bigamous) marriage ceremony; he is a Muslim. I found the photos and confronted him. He denied all and said it was just a big party. We have a holiday home in that country, so I will lose all that if we divorce, and I made so many personal sacrifices to build up our holiday estate there. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]He wanted space and left me for a year, saying he was living alone, but despite his denials, he was living with another woman near where we live. At this time, I was shocked and just wanted him to come back so that we could try again, and then if it didn’t work, then OK we would finish and I could cope with that, as I would have done everything to make things better. I was depressed and still occasionally suffer from PTSD.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]So he came back but we haven’t slept together for 3 years, as he said I was so unpleasant to live with a few years back before he left, that I had broken his physical desire, although he says that I am now a transformed person and a real angel now. He thinks that I have put money aside for myself from my job, but it’s not true. He keeps asking me for more money. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I now find he’s having an affair again with the woman he lived with for a year nearby. And still sees the other woman abroad a few times a year. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]He is at her place this weekend. I found out and told him to come home and we could calmly finish this. I think I am ready to move on. It will be horrendous telling my family; my father is recovering from cancer and our family does not do divorce, I will be really pitied and feel low self esteem forever there. They are wonderful people who would not dream of infidelity. His family had polygamists in his father’s generation, so they might even accept the idea of him having a few women. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]He wants to stay together. He said that he regrets not having children, but wouldn’t leave me for that. And he wants to carry on with other women, but of course denies this infidelity. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thanks for advice![/sIZE][/FONT]
norajane Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Go and talk to a good lawyer and prepare yourself for a divorce. This guy is a loser and you are never going to be happy with him. Regardless of what the financial ramifications are, and losing the holiday home or whatever, finding your freedom will be so much worth it. Don't worry what your family or anyone else thinks. They aren't living with him, they aren't the ones being cheated on, they aren't the ones who are being sucked dry by an unemployed cheating loser. Your work insurance probably pays for some therapy. Talk to a counselor to help you get through this emotionally. And don't tell your husband about getting a divorce until you've talked to a lawyer and find out everything you need to know about holding on to your assets.
Author MILLY2007 Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Thanks for this sound advice. I guess there are times to handle stuff in an emotional way and times to just get practical!
D-Lish Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 The most important thing to do is for you to find some peace and happiness. I think you have spent long enough putting up with his indiscretions. I am not sure how divorce law works with regard to offshore property- but do speak to a lawyer so you are informed of your rights.
norajane Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Thanks for this sound advice. I guess there are times to handle stuff in an emotional way and times to just get practical! Taking care of the practical also helps with the emotional. Right now, you are a bundle of fears and anxieties and worries and heartbreak. Learning about your rights and what you need to do to protect yourself in a divorce, will ease some of your fears and arm you for what is to come. The heartbreak will dull and then vanish over time, as it is replaced with freedom, and then new joys. This guy is BAD for you and has been for a long time. Holding on to him will only mean more BAD coming your way. Your path to freedom and a more joyous life is clear - do not hesitate.
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