northstar1 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 All of us have had the temptation to break NC. Some have and more often than not, it's resulted in news they didn't want to hear, or caused them to take a step back. The thing with NC that Im finally starting to grasp is that although you may think you want to hear from them, or know that is going on in their lives - you really don't. Some days it kills me that time keeps going on and I do not hear from my ex. I wrestle with the fact, that despite our lives going on separately, it seems so bizarre that we are slowly becoming strangers. However, as much as I'd like to sometimes hear from her, to know she's thinking of me, the harsh reality is that inside, I do not want explicit knowledge that she is doing great, and happy and is moving on quite fine. What good will it do me to hear that she's doing this or that, or going here or there or whatnot. I'm no longer part of that world. I have no problem with her being happy and healthy, but I'm not yet at the point where I want to actually hear about it. So, I am seeing how NC really does help. It does allow both of you to become strangers in each others lives, back to the state before you met. You were two independant people with their own lives and goals and at some point you have to return to that if you really want to move on .
kizik Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Right. The only news we get from contacting the other is bad news - news of what they are doing, the exciting turns their lives are taking, the people they're meeting and the progress they're making. The only "good" news that could ever possibly come from contact is the following: "I've missed you so much, I'm so sorry for what I've done, for how I treated you. Would you give me a second chance?" At which point you say no (which feels great but also terrible) b/c you know the same old sh*t would just happen down the road, once all the novelty and lovey-dovey bullsh*t had worn off. It's a lose-lose, it's one of those "life" things that will make you wake up and grow up real quick. No one's babying me anymore, no one's saying "Oh man, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" No one gives a sh*t, they've all been through it. No one feels sorry for you and you better not waste another minute feeling sorry for yourself. I don't love that person anymore, and I don't want her in my life. That works out great; she don't want me, neither. But North, you're right, contact from either side only hurts, and as much as I think I want it, you are surely correct that it would only hinder my progress, of which I've been making phenomenal steps.
shadowplay Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 especially because people are rarely honest about how they're doing when they speak with their exes. Nobody wants to sound weak or depressed. They try to make it sound as if they've moved on and their life is great, even if they haven't and it isn't.
ioncebelieved Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 However, as much as I'd like to sometimes hear from her, to know she's thinking of me This very thing still whips my a$$!!!!!! I mean I think about that same thing very often. You want to know that person is deep down inside missing the h e l l out of you!! At least I do. NC is the best thing and on my 5th day today I have thought of her, but definitely NOT contacting her!!!
FauxVowel Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 especially because people are rarely honest about how they're doing when they speak with their exes. Nobody wants to sound weak or depressed. They try to make it sound as if they've moved on and their life is great, even if they haven't and it isn't. That's funny, that usually IS the case. It just goes to show how psychotic my ex is. She calls and PRETENDS to be depressed (while she is really getting laid every night), so I will be depressed too or something. It's so ridiculous.
ioncebelieved Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 especially because people are rarely honest about how they're doing when they speak with their exes. Nobody wants to sound weak or depressed. They try to make it sound as if they've moved on and their life is great, even if they haven't and it isn't. Or be like my ex and say, "I have been good...well decent." Not sure what that is about. Maybe she wants me to think she has been okay then knows it is a lie.
FauxVowel Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Who cares what they want??????/!!!!!!!! **** them!!!!!!!!1111 For every single one of us in here, the next time some person wants to pull this **** with us, we walk out of their lives immediately! They'll be like damn what the ****. And we'll be like **** that that aint **** cuz I suffered on loveshack.com
KamKakes Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I'm yes and no on this, even though I just started NC - I've broken up with this person before and no matter how much I tell myself that I don't want to know, I do. Even if they are doing wonderful and have a new love interest - it might be because a lot of my relationships started off on a nice foundation of friendship. ^^; It hurts to hear it but it reaffirms that I need to continue to push on and looking back on the past and hoping will do nothing. And once I know that they ARE doing whatever, it silences all the questions in my head.
fran82 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 i agree kam! it does silence things for a while, then you get distracted cause life takes over, eventually the time in between gets longer, meanwhile your healing day by day. there can be some positive effects from being in contact. i think its important to know why you want the contact tho, theres no point abusively txting or calling, cause in the long run on one will get any satisfaction from it!
sailing Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Who cares what they want??????/!!!!!!!! **** them!!!!!!!!1111 For every single one of us in here, the next time some person wants to pull this **** with us, we walk out of their lives immediately! They'll be like damn what the ****. And we'll be like **** that that aint **** cuz I suffered on loveshack.com LOL love this post! (Only, I think it's loveshack.org - I got a whole different kettle of fish when I accidentally typed in .com once..)
CHANTRESS Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I think the reason for wanting to break NC is because the longer there is time between contact the MORE you remember the GOOD times and NOT the bad. The human mind tends to minimize traumatic events.It must be a defense mechanism..... but honestly..THAT is the ONLY thing I can think of as to WHY we continue to torture ourselves this way.....
ioncebelieved Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 This is important enough to bump!!!! Especially for those of us that still struggle with thoughts of breaking the ever so hard NC!! At times, or should I say at weaker times you think to yourself if I have contact with them they are still somewhat in your life or you have hope they will change up and get on board with you for the BIG WIN. You know what???? They are not going to be in for the BIG WIN, that job will eventually go to someone else. For a long time, I made excuses for her mixed up a$$. I lied to myself, I lied to my heart. My head knew she was NOT being fair with me. I told myself reasons why should would not be with me at the moment and in time she would get everything handled. It was that very hope that has killed me for so long. What is the truth is not always easy to see when you love. Truth being, if they wanted to be with you they would be. You would not have to analyze their actions or words. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. I always knew that but for some silly reason called LOVE, I let that true adage slip me by. BREAK NC all you want. I have broken it several times and it pushes me back that much farther. Always believe the saying if you let them go and they come back it was meant to be. Finally, at the very least NC is truly for you, but is also the only thing you have left with them in hopes they miss you enough. At least it is the only option I have left!! First is for me and after healing if she decided that I was what she really wanted then I can decide with a clearer head.
sunshinegirl Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Ugh. I can almost feel the momentum building for me to cave and contact him. In my 2005 breakup, I was strong on NC for 3 months, then I broke down and contacted my dumper. It sucked and led to nothing good; I was set back for a couple months afterwards. I don't know why I have such an insatiable desire to know how my ex is doing, particularly after his awful awful crap behavior at the end. It's like I can't get the "good Eric" out of my mind enough to focus on the "bad cheating Eric".
Author northstar1 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Ugh. I can almost feel the momentum building for me to cave and contact him. In my 2005 breakup, I was strong on NC for 3 months, then I broke down and contacted my dumper. It sucked and led to nothing good; I was set back for a couple months afterwards. I don't know why I have such an insatiable desire to know how my ex is doing, particularly after his awful awful crap behavior at the end. It's like I can't get the "good Eric" out of my mind enough to focus on the "bad cheating Eric". Hey Sunshine _ I hear you. Sent you a PM.
Author northstar1 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 This is important enough to bump!!!! Especially for those of us that still struggle with thoughts of breaking the ever so hard NC!! At times, or should I say at weaker times you think to yourself if I have contact with them they are still somewhat in your life or you have hope they will change up and get on board with you for the BIG WIN. You know what???? They are not going to be in for the BIG WIN, that job will eventually go to someone else. For a long time, I made excuses for her mixed up a$$. I lied to myself, I lied to my heart. My head knew she was NOT being fair with me. I told myself reasons why should would not be with me at the moment and in time she would get everything handled. It was that very hope that has killed me for so long. What is the truth is not always easy to see when you love. Truth being, if they wanted to be with you they would be. You would not have to analyze their actions or words. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. I always knew that but for some silly reason called LOVE, I let that true adage slip me by. BREAK NC all you want. I have broken it several times and it pushes me back that much farther. Always believe the saying if you let them go and they come back it was meant to be. Finally, at the very least NC is truly for you, but is also the only thing you have left with them in hopes they miss you enough. At least it is the only option I have left!! First is for me and after healing if she decided that I was what she really wanted then I can decide with a clearer head. Good points. I think people wrestle with the notion that if they don't keep up some contact, or email/call the ex, that they will completely forget about you and there will ne NO chance for them to ever come back. After all, for some, it's out of sight, out of mind.
ioncebelieved Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Good points. I think people wrestle with the notion that if they don't keep up some contact, or email/call the ex, that they will completely forget about you and there will ne NO chance for them to ever come back. After all, for some, it's out of sight, out of mind. That is exactly right! People and myself included, just do not want to know they were meaningless in their ex's life. It really is that small glimmer of hope that screws with you. Here I am in my later thirties and I thought that I'd been through this mess before and was immune to it. NOT!! This time around has been the worst. Your original post was dead on!
FauxVowel Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Every TIME THERE'S ANY SORT OF CONTACT YOU START BACK FROM SCRATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111 AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 PLEASE COME BACK TO ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER PLEASE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111 WHY??????????????????????????////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
LikeCharlotte Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 For me contact after the break was never about getting back together. It was about making a sad thing into something good. I liked him and I thought he liked me for who I am. It didn't work out because he didn't want to put in the effort. Fine by me. So why not just be cool? We both knew we would have to see one another. Make the best of it. I don't know, sometimes I feel like an alien in this world.
Recommended Posts