kiraknight Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I got raped back in march. Im going into my 3rd year of college. It wasnt one of those things where I got drunk and taken advantage of. I was numb with shock for awhile after it happened. I was sad afterwards but now Im home for the summer and Im more depressed than I was at school. I feel like crying all the freakin time and I get really explosive with anger and Im really moody. I will randomly burst into tears throughout the day. I have been doing friends with benefits with my ex who goes to another college far away, he broke a long period of time where we didn’t talk and told me he loved me 2 weeks after I got raped (He didnt know what happened to me at that point) Well, I’ve been extremely depressed this summer like I said, and I have gotten pretty nasty and explosive with him many times even though I love(d) him. He hasn’t come out and committed yet, so I’ve threatened to cut him off again 4 times now. I always do it when Im extremely upset and emotional, and I regret it the next day and say Im sorry and wish I hadn’t done it. I feel lonely all the time so when I get upset and he’s not there for me to talk to I get very angry. He knows what happened to me now, because I told him when I got home from school and he was sympathetic, or at least the first couple weeks he was. I did the explosive thing for the 4th time and he said "Im not attracted to you anymore" (even though he is always the one who initiates the friends with benefits and we had sex last week, to this he says "Im a guy") He said he just "put the pieces together one day" and that all of a sudden "Its your personality" and "the feelings are gone" and he doesn’t love me like he use to. I asked when this happened and he said gradually over the summer after all these fights. I said "Ok well it started happening when I became a different person after being upset all the time" because I def. do feel like a completely different person since this happened to me and everyone keeps telling me I need to accept the fact that I prob. will never be the same again. But he’s saying that’s not it and that if I get help and become happier he’s not going to change his mind. I know I should probably ditch him, I made the mistake of telling him I once wanted to marry him, so I think I scared him off for good. Hes not the guy I fell in love with anymore- the guy I dated would have never treated me like that, the guy I dated would have been supportive instead of taking advantage of me when Im vulnerable and making excuses about it. The only reason I let him treat me like that is because I have very low self esteem right now. I do want somebody who will stick by me through the pain and he obviously has no intentions of doing that. Im not sure what he expects of his relationships, because everyone has bad things happen to them at one point. What is he going to do, ditch his wife when her parents die and she becomes sad? I have started getting help but I don’t think that matters to him. I should also prob. mention the girlfriend he had before me had psychological problems too, and he ditched her and started dating me, so he obviously cannot handle emotional situations. I know I should find a better guy, but is there really no chance of him realizing what he did and coming back later down the road? I have been really crazy this summer, but maybe one day he’ll realize how much getting raped really affected me.
iwish Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Wow i'm sorry to hear about what happened to you.l That's really bad. I am so so sorry. I hope the guy got caught and one day you can put the whole horrible experience behind you. As for your ex, well i can only offer you one bit of advice and that is not to contact him. You've told him how you feel, he knows where you are. The only thing you can do now is vanish from his life. I've done the contact thing and it's not a good way to get them back. you need to just leave him alone and try and move on. Who knows, he might miss you and come calling. Or failing that, you might just get over him and meet someone better, someone who cares enough to stick around when the going gets tough. And i also recommend no more FWB. It's not in your interest to just have sex with him as you obviously want more. And it's not fair for him to get things like that without some sort of commitment, you deserve better! Good luck
Ronni_W Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Kira, I am sorry that you got raped. You haven't mentioned about getting counseling to deal with your post-rape trauma -- the depression, explosive rage, sadness, etc. It is important to be able to get a handle on that so that you can reclaim your personal power and be the 'real' you, again. Our family, friends and romantic partners do not have the insight, emotional resources and proper training to offer us the VERY BEST support that we need, after such a traumatic ordeal. They do want to help us but they just don't have it to give us, no matter how hard they try. It also is our own responsibility to do our emotional recovery work and find new inner peace. That is another reason you might want to consider counseling -- it becomes harder and harder on your relationships, because others start feeling more and more inadequate, helpless and useless to you. And when they feel bad enough about how they're not helping you, they often must distance themselves emotionally and/or physically. That isn't a "fault" of anyone, as you can see. But it still sucks if you allow it to happen to your relationships. It is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. But, in my opinion, rape survivors DO deserve to live happy and successful lives that are not forever tainted by someone else's dysfunctional thinking and actions. Counseling can help you get to a more positive place...where you totally deserve to be. Sending hugs and good wishes.
Recommended Posts