Catwomannn Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 My bf and I have been dating for about a year. About 2 months ago we had a talk about the goals for our relationship. I told him that eventually it would be nice to live together at some point but that right now I am just taking each day as it comes and enjoying dating him. He said he could never live with me because he is 40 and has been alone most of his life and he treasures his privacy too much. I told him I was fine with that....that we could just date and not live together and see how things go and I left it at that. The past week I have been noticing that he has been kind of distancing himself from me and the sex has fallen off lately. So I asked him what was going on. He blurted out that he is not sure if he is spinning his wheels with regards to this realtionship because I indicated I wanted to live with him and he does not want to live with me. I told him that I seriously was okay with it and just wanted to date him at this point and there was no pressure...I told him in the past that I was okay with just dating him and not living together and now I don't know why all of a sudden it has become and issue for him as of late. He did look after my kids this week one night and I think it freaked him out..I don't know why all of a sudden this is an issue for him when it was a non-issue for me... Thanks!
torranceshipman Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Sounds like he's not that invested in the relationship inthe sense that he doesnt ever want more commitment than what you have now (ie dating). Would you be happy with just dating on a permanent basis, or would you want more commitment eventually?
Ronni_W Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Possibly the 'relationship goals' conversation got him to thinking about his own fears and issues that he'd rather not confront at the moment...or have to confront at some point in the future. Could be a fear that he's unable to participate fully in a romantic relationship, or that you will pressure him later. Or guilt that he is unable to offer the kind of mutually enriching partnership that you deserve. Or realization that he has some emotional healing to do, for which he is not (and may never be) ready. Regardless, it has become an issue for him. Maybe the babysitting added to it but my guess is that, for him, it started before that - perhaps just on a subconscious level, after THE conversation.
Author Catwomannn Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Ronni -- I think your observations are correct -- My bf has cited that he cannot live with someone because he has lived alone for too long by himself (he is in his 40s and only lived with a couple of roomates briefly his whole life) and he says that he can't deal with children (I have two boys). I asked him -- what if I didn't have my kids - would it be different? He said that he just can't live with someone period because he is too used to his privacy. I am fine with just dating him long term and not living with him. So the way I left the conversation was I reassured him that I was fine with the fact that we could date and not live together. He said he was not entirely convinced but was okay with things now...I told him that I wanted us to have an understanding going forward that I would not bring the topic up and I was totally okay with things the way they are... But I think you are rightt that maybe he was thinking about confronting his own fears/issues or afraid that I would pressure him later...
Shygirl15 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Ronni -- I think your observations are correct -- My bf has cited that he cannot live with someone because he has lived alone for too long by himself (he is in his 40s and only lived with a couple of roomates briefly his whole life) and he says that he can't deal with children (I have two boys). I asked him -- what if I didn't have my kids - would it be different? He said that he just can't live with someone period because he is too used to his privacy. I am fine with just dating him long term and not living with him. So the way I left the conversation was I reassured him that I was fine with the fact that we could date and not live together. He said he was not entirely convinced but was okay with things now...I told him that I wanted us to have an understanding going forward that I would not bring the topic up and I was totally okay with things the way they are... But I think you are rightt that maybe he was thinking about confronting his own fears/issues or afraid that I would pressure him later... Catwomannn, girlfriend, you're not that desperate, are you? I have bolded the sentences that really torn me apart. Seems like your whole life revolves around this commitment-freak guy. I am raising a son too, on my own, and as much as I want a good man for myself, I also want a male figure in my son's life, therefore it's important for a guy I decide to date know and accept this. I think, we, as single mothers, have that responsibility for our kids. Why would you want to stick around someone who cannot deal with kids, while you have kids? What are your priorities?
trubella Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Catwomannn, girlfriend, you're not that desperate, are you? I have bolded the sentences that really torn me apart. Seems like your whole life revolves around this commitment-freak guy. I am raising a son too, on my own, and as much as I want a good man for myself, I also want a male figure in my son's life, therefore it's important for a guy I decide to date know and accept this. I think, we, as single mothers, have that responsibility for our kids. Why would you want to stick around someone who cannot deal with kids, while you have kids? What are your priorities? verrry true. i was thinkin this when i read the ops post earlier. that would be an automatic dismissal if my bf told me something like that, my son will always be 1st priority,if a guy cant accept him hes out..you've been dating him for a year now and he knew you had kids coming into this, but now its an issue? i think it might be time to look elsewhere. hes obviously not as commited to this relationship as you are. lifes to short to stick around with a commitment phobe who cant even accept your kids. why would you be ok with just dating him and nothing more, do you plan to do this with him for the rest of your life?
lemony fresh Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 So you are OK with just dating this guy forever? He has stated he will never live with you, so that is also meaning he will never get engaged to you and never marry you. It will never go beyond the stage that it is now. There is nothing wrong with wanting the next level in a relationship, don't settle for this guy.
Author Catwomannn Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Yeah this guy does have serious commitment issues. I talked to him on the phone this afternoon. I did ask him why did he ever get involved with me in the first place when he KNEW up front I had kids? He just said that it is okay if I have them - he just doesn't want to be a part of their lives and doesnt want kids in his life. I told him"Well good luck finding ANY woman out there then because I have news for you 80% of women over 30 have kids" . then I told him that it was very sad that he will not even give my kids a chance because they are two amazing little human beings if he would only give them a chance. Same with living together. I told him that I thought he was taking the easy way out and that it was easier for him to say "I dont wanna deal with it" than have to work at something. He didnt say anything. We met on line and I asked him "Why the HELL did you put in your profile "Undecided" under kids?" I feel like you lead me on? He said "I NEVER led you on...because I never told you I loved you" You guys are right --- he is an immature EMOTIONALLY RETARDED, SELFISH man...I think I am done with him...
lemony fresh Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Good for you. I wouldn't trust a man who doesn't at least try to accept your children, or one that doesn't like kids.
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