Luz Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Hello everyone, I have been dating this man for almost 4 months , have shared mutual attractions , mutual appreciation for each other's attributes , common past relationship difficulties . The level of intimacy remained " interested, flirty " , warm hugs until a week before i was leaving for a 3 weeklong vacation . He held my hand during the show , and during dinner , finally kissed me for hours before saying good bye . The following Monday , on a business trio he send me a text " so , how long you have been smoking " . I was devastated with the way h chose to bring up this issue but I also realized that I had failed to disclose to him that I have been a sporadic , stress cpoing smoker since my divorce . Because i didn't consider myself as one and it's something I also had been able to stop any time i wanted . I didn't smoke at all during my last 3 year relationship which ended last year to this date . I apologized and accepted my responsibility for my behavior and that I can understand if he feels differently about me . I'm very remorseful and beating myself up pretty hard over this . i have written and verbalized my regrets , willingness to stop smoking . We met up after i came back from my trip last Friday , I initiated the issue talk again since he still hasn't said much more than " I have an issue and this is the only issue I have with you " . He gave me a few kisses on that day , one more before saying good night . My gut feeling watching him leaving that night was the last time i would see of him . I sent him an email on Monday asking him to please tell me how and if we could work pass this ? Is resolvavble ? where does he stand ? He replied " will need a day or 2 to digest and reply " . I haven't heard from him for 3 days now . I know i have make a mistake with " deception" though I wasn't planning to . We had shared and disclosed so much about ourselves and our past together . I'm a mature, responsible , direct individual . I know he's probably checking out by his behavior because it has been 4 weeks since he brought up this issue . What to digest ? I sure deserve and wish for a mature , direct closure conversation or email . I'm so depressed over this . i do not think I should send another email or contact him to appear so desparate and crazy . He can still break up with me but I sure hope to be done with respect and dignity . how can I achieve this ?
ioncebelieved Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 He I sure deserve and wish for a mature , direct closure conversation or email . I'm so depressed over this . i do not think I should send another email or contact him to appear so desparate and crazy . He can still break up with me but I sure hope to be done with respect and dignity . how can I achieve this ? Good luck on getting the closure you seek, but the truth of the matter is you may never get it the way you seek. Yes you deserve a MATURE closure, as we all human beings do. I am still seeking mine from well over a month ago or so. It actually has been an ongoing thing all year to be truthful, where we would do NC for a few weeks and get back together. Anyways, people are selfish, people are worried about them and to break up like a human is hard for some. The only closure you may ever get is when you have finally moved on. Please do not find this out the hard way by begging and doing whatever it takes to get that person back. The old saying is true about letting someone go and if they come back to you. I wish you the best of luck and suggest disappearing for a while.
Author Luz Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Thanks ioncebelieved . I'm trying to put it behind me and stop expecting to ever hear from him as several days have gone by . Very disappointing though as he's 43 years old . I take this as a lesson to always treat people as I would like to be treated with dignity and respect .
sunshinegirl Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I'm unclear what more closure you want. It seems clear that smoking is a dealbreaker for him. What is it you want to hear from him? You owned up to your end of things; if that wasn't enough for him, it wasn't enough. I'm sorry for your pain, believe me I know that the pain of an ending sucks. I'm just not clear what more you think you will get from HIM in terms of closure.
replicator Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Closure is a myth. What else can the other person say, other than that they were wrong, and beg for forgiveness. Closure is something only you can give yourself. life is short.. there is no rehearsal for life. We think that all that we experience is so important, but in the big picture, it means nothing. We live, and we think we love, then we die. watch out for #1.. that's you.
Author Luz Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 I'm very disappointed at his lack of respect for me and for our time together though only has been 3 months but I sure ahd higher expectation for him to conduct himself more maturely and thoughtfully . At 43 years old , he should be able to to compose at least an email to let me know where he stands . i'm open for a sit down closure conversation or even on the phone . However , I do realize how uncomfortable and difficult it must be for anyone to end a relationship, therefore i chose to email him instead to give an easy way out . But still haven't heard from him though he did replied telling me he will need a day or 2 to digest and to respond.It's been 5 days . We have identified the issue but i would like to hear from him as eactly where we are at instead of the disappearing act . I know I need to achieve closure and move on without relying on him to conduct himself in ways i that would have . Should i wait for a while and send him another email to tell him how disappointed I'm to have to bring it to a close own. Thank him for all the good times and wish him luck ? Why did he continue to give me the mixed signals when we last met , giving me hugs and kisses then went silent . Was it something that i said ?
sid3 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Because he is emotionally retarded. I feel your pain. I wouldn't wait and send him another anything. Be glad you weren't even further invested. He lacks the emotional maturity that you would like him to have. Mixed messages and the silent treatment should be telling you that you dodged a bullet. See how you feel when someone pulls the disappearing act. I think you should return the favor.
ioncebelieved Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 See how you feel when someone pulls the disappearing act. I think you should return the favor. "AND YOU KNOW THIS MAN!!"" Well put indeed!! I can tell you right now he is not going to appreciate it one bit. They hate when control shifts over to you.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Because he is emotionally retarded. I feel your pain. I wouldn't wait and send him another anything. Be glad you weren't even further invested. He lacks the emotional maturity that you would like him to have. Mixed messages and the silent treatment should be telling you that you dodged a bullet. See how you feel when someone pulls the disappearing act. I think you should return the favor.I agree with sid. I jut went through something similar and its not worth trying with someone who can't act maturely. Feel better... and maybe the next time around will work out better.
Author Luz Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Great inputs , thanks everyone . Days have gone by and after much self reflections , I feel that I have handled this situation properly and with maturity . My gratitute was also ex or formtended to him for ' waking me up " to stop using Nicotine as a crutch when I'm stressed out , one cigarette or a pack a day , once a week whatever the frequency was , the fact that I smoked . And I should have told him so during our course of disclosure personal informations . A precious lesson and sifting through all past relationships , though failed but they were here to teach a thing or two . I will not contact him in any shape or form , will not wait for his response any more .
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